Major problem - partner wants to move location and I don't.

[starshine1926]

Any constructive criticism/advice/opinions welcomed.

My partner and I have been together for 13 years but have separate houses and live together part time. We are both 50 and have a joint business.

I feel I have been living in limbo for years because he will not move in with me (doesn't like the area) and I do not like his house because he lives right on a busy main road, the house is small and requires lots of renovation work (still has the original 40 yr old carpets/curtains from the previous occupant, dry rot etc). He doesn't give a damn about the state of the house because he never intended making it his permanent home and he will not buy a house with me in this area.

I am Welsh, he is English and although he has lived half his life in Wales he hates it here. Our relationship has been strained because of his racism - always slagging off Welsh people for their faults, and the country because it rains a lot, there is no money or opportunity here (he says), nothing to do, nowhere to go etc.

He is desperate to return to England when his last child goes to college in 2 years and says he will leave with or without me. It is all he talks about and he is counting down the days. I do not get a choice in the move, it has to be the South East where he originally came from. He has no plans, no idea of where he will live or what he will do as long as he is not here. He is struggling financially and believes there is more money in the South.

I would consider moving with him if I felt he was 100% committed to me. But it is difficult when someone tells you they wish they had never met you because you 'trapped' them here and you have not 'advanced' their standard of living.

His constant moaning is spoiling my life and he is angry that I won't help him financially to make the move by selling my house. My problem is that I don't really want to move now because I have friends here and my only remaining family - no siblings or kids - is my mother in her 80's in good health but frail. I like the area where I live as it is near a national park, not far from the coast, has lovely countryside and good road links.

Admitedly, the weather is better in Kent/Sussex and they are closer to the Channel for ease of travelling. But property is expensive and I would feel guilty leaving my mother alone. That doesn't concern him because he can't stand her and she doesn't like him.

He has no hobbies or interests,doesn't socialise, doesn't get involved with anything and is continually referring to getting older. I know he is also depressed but he blames me for his state of mind which is only made better by smoking 'exotic' substances.
My friends think I would be mad to move away with someone so unreliable and don't understand why he can't appreciate what he has. He has no qualms about leaving behind his kids, grandkids or mother.

I am getting depressed with this whole scenario and feel like running away myself! Maybe he is right and I have wasted my life in this 'backwater'. However I have a feeling he would not be happy anywhere because he is always moaning about getting older, not being wealthy, envying other people. He has spent 10 years playing the 'when/then' game - when I am wealthy/have a boat/fast car/5 holidays a year/live in England then I'll be happy.I dread the thought of being left alone as he loves me and I love him. Would I regret not moving? Or have I wasted my time with nothing to show for it - no house together or kids or marriage - and I should move on.

Apologies for the long post but I am devasted for the way things have turned out and depressed for the future.

The biggest red flag for me is that he hates the Welsh. Er...you are Welsh. So does that mean he hates you too.
My x used to do this. When I was a student he hated students. Its abuse.

So to sum up - he is whining at you to sell your house and leave behind your family and other commitments because he wants the proceeds of your house sale to fund his own move (because his own is an unsellable wreck), all the while blaming you for his failures and racially abusing you.

And this is a fun relationship how ?

He sounds vile ..let him go !!!!

I wonder how the amount he spent on you (taking you out etc? Any benefit for him in that - shared meals, holidays etc?) in the early years compares to the amount he wants you to spend on helping him relocate. About the same, d'you reckon? Or... not quite so much?

I also wonder whether the time he invested training up a business partner has now been repaid by your input into the business, or whether he is still carrying you in terms of workload and/or expertise. My guess is that you're more than paying your way these days but of course I could be wrong.

Mind you, even if you'd been a hanger-on all these years you still wouldn't owe him a relationship. People cannot be bought.

His ex wife did something so dreadful to him that he had a breakdown so he has a bitter, cynical view of women

Misogynists always claim to have some woman in the background that did something so terrible that that they have to be awful to and about women. It's bollocks of course - nothing one woman can do could effect their view of all women. Think of all the women who are raped, beaten or emotionally abused who go on loving men in general, and even their abuser in particular. Your partner chooses to be racist and sexist because he's an unpleasant bitter man.

I don't think he is responsible for turning you around after a breakdown, I think that was all your own work and he happened to be there.

But even it worked then it's not working now, what you may have settled for back then is not something you need to settle for now you've progressed in your life.

This is the perfect opportunity to get rid and find someone much nicer to spend your time with.

It sounds like the relationship ran it's course a few years ago. It was great for a while and you both got something out of it but it's over now. You might still love him but maybe that's just being scared of being alone? Anythings better than nothing right? Wrong. Leave him and enjoy yourself.

If you cut down to the bare bones of your first post he loves you for your money. Not for you.

well i would just let him go .without you .if after 13 years you are not married/living together .i would have left long ago .if he slagged off my home country/people .a partnership is a two way street .

He won't be happy in the South East, do you realise that? He will find new things to pick at and moan about. He isn't going to turn into a lovely guy. Your situation will be even worse because you will be away from your own support system and you won't have any capital of your own because you will have to sell your house to fund his dream.

Don't do it. If you do, you will regret it bitterly. Let him go and sort himself out. If you want to stay with him, then have a LDR for a while and if he does turn out to be the fun guy he always thought he was, then you can follow him in a year or so.

Whatever you do, don't let him bully you into selling your house to fund him.

Imagine how lonely you would be if you went with him - don't do it!

OP (bar a few years age difference and working together) I have been in your shoes. I was constantly being told how boring I was and how his life was going to be so much better after moving away. He too wouldn't move in but wanted part of the equity in my house before making a 'commitment'.

One day after one too many of his rants, i woke up and we split. It was daunting and i felt lost without him. So I started thinking about what I wanted and needed. Funnily enough I decided to move a short distance to somewhere ideal for me.

I did all the work to get my house ready. He would hang around being super nice. I almost fell for it and we tried to get back together but it was straight back into him being abusive. When I told him my plans, the one that were actually organised including social events not just ideas, he would up and leave as he didn't want to listen. Off I went and I still look at that period of my life as one of the happiest and most wonderful times.

Not long after my move I got a phone call at work. He had packed his stuff from his manky place into his car and was supposed to be leaving but was having doubts and wanted my advice. I declined and said he had to make the choice. He stayed op didn't even make it to the end of the road. You'd think he would have been happy but no, he was the same miserable person.

I (stupidly) let him visit my new place once and he spent the evening banging on about 'I can't believe you have the life I want'. Then found other things to berate me over. I saw him for what he was and the relief I got rid is immense. My story ended well as I met DH in the new area and I'm now happily married with 2DC.

Exdp got in touch with a family member a few months ago. Guess where he is and whats he's doing, yep exactly the same things in the same place. Break free and make youself happy op, they will never change and are not worth it. I guarantee when you do the nice qualities he 'has' really won't be that much of him when you look back.

Good Lord OP, I don't usually agree with the automatic 'LTB' comments on this board, but really I'm flabbergasted.

Yes, you met when you were at a low ebb and he helped you out of a bad place; but it sounds as though he's driven you back in to it now. Step back a little and think about you, and your life. What would it be like without him? Could you run the business on your own?

You're still young enough to have another rewarding relationship, if that's what you'd like. Or you might find you're very happy being on your own without this awful man bringing you down and whingeing at you all the time.

Stop making excuses for him!

You are justifying his racism, sexism, pessimism, failure to take control of his own life and are diminishing your own needs.

Lots of people have bad things happen to them. That is no excuse for being abusive. Maybe it can help you to understand why he is how he is. Understanding is OK, excusing and tolerating is not OK.

He is 50? This is him. The real him.

There are parts of Kent and Suzsex which probably have more potential for financial success than parts of Wales. But not for negatively minded grumps with no vision and no focus .

You seem to be both his prop and his scapegoat. Exhausting and debilitating.

Your instincts are right.

Wave him off with a smile OP.

I am sure life has far better in store for you than this wankbadger.

OP, you will have a much better life without him, but first you have to leave him. but if you don't leave him, you just have more of the same to look forward to.

It is never too late to start again. It might seem daunting, but I promise it will be worth it.

FWIW I am also 50, in a newish relationship with another 50something. There are nice men out there too