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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Major problem - partner wants to move location and I don't.

65 replies

starshine1926 · 02/09/2014 12:49

Any constructive criticism/advice/opinions welcomed.

My partner and I have been together for 13 years but have separate houses and live together part time. We are both 50 and have a joint business.

I feel I have been living in limbo for years because he will not move in with me (doesn't like the area) and I do not like his house because he lives right on a busy main road, the house is small and requires lots of renovation work (still has the original 40 yr old carpets/curtains from the previous occupant, dry rot etc). He doesn't give a damn about the state of the house because he never intended making it his permanent home and he will not buy a house with me in this area.

I am Welsh, he is English and although he has lived half his life in Wales he hates it here. Our relationship has been strained because of his racism - always slagging off Welsh people for their faults, and the country because it rains a lot, there is no money or opportunity here (he says), nothing to do, nowhere to go etc.

He is desperate to return to England when his last child goes to college in 2 years and says he will leave with or without me. It is all he talks about and he is counting down the days. I do not get a choice in the move, it has to be the South East where he originally came from. He has no plans, no idea of where he will live or what he will do as long as he is not here. He is struggling financially and believes there is more money in the South.

I would consider moving with him if I felt he was 100% committed to me. But it is difficult when someone tells you they wish they had never met you because you 'trapped' them here and you have not 'advanced' their standard of living.

His constant moaning is spoiling my life and he is angry that I won't help him financially to make the move by selling my house. My problem is that I don't really want to move now because I have friends here and my only remaining family - no siblings or kids - is my mother in her 80's in good health but frail. I like the area where I live as it is near a national park, not far from the coast, has lovely countryside and good road links.

Admitedly, the weather is better in Kent/Sussex and they are closer to the Channel for ease of travelling. But property is expensive and I would feel guilty leaving my mother alone. That doesn't concern him because he can't stand her and she doesn't like him.

He has no hobbies or interests,doesn't socialise, doesn't get involved with anything and is continually referring to getting older. I know he is also depressed but he blames me for his state of mind which is only made better by smoking 'exotic' substances.
My friends think I would be mad to move away with someone so unreliable and don't understand why he can't appreciate what he has. He has no qualms about leaving behind his kids, grandkids or mother.

I am getting depressed with this whole scenario and feel like running away myself! Maybe he is right and I have wasted my life in this 'backwater'. However I have a feeling he would not be happy anywhere because he is always moaning about getting older, not being wealthy, envying other people. He has spent 10 years playing the 'when/then' game - when I am wealthy/have a boat/fast car/5 holidays a year/live in England then I'll be happy.I dread the thought of being left alone as he loves me and I love him. Would I regret not moving? Or have I wasted my time with nothing to show for it - no house together or kids or marriage - and I should move on.

Apologies for the long post but I am devasted for the way things have turned out and depressed for the future.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2014 14:36

He has cocklodger written all over him, sorry op get rid and enjoy your life without him. Thanks

hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2014 14:41

and she doesn't like him
Listen to your mother!
She knows best!

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2014 14:42

Why do you think he loves you and what about him could you possibly love?

Let him go and get on with your own life. You'll be much happier.

dreamingbohemian · 02/09/2014 14:43

Good god. Why are you even with him? Let alone thinking about giving up your life for him.

I don't mean to be harsh but if you can't bring yourself to separate from someone who is so awful, you should really look into therapy to help you do so. The way he acts toward you is not normal or healthy and you would be so much better off without him.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/09/2014 15:03

Tell him to get to fuck, racist, moody twat. I live in Essex and while it's beautiful, its not the holy grail of places to live. Get rid, get out there and start enjoying your life.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/09/2014 15:12

He's struggling financially. Does that mean you are too when you have a business together?

He's trying to blackmail you in the most cynical way possible. I have a feeling that this type of person would be a bloody misery lying on a beach in the Bahamas.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/09/2014 16:06

You love him and he loves you...... How does he demonstrate that exactly?

Terrierterror · 02/09/2014 16:14

Start getting any capital you have invested out of the business. Then wave him goodbye.

IrianofWay · 02/09/2014 16:25

Send him on his way with some nice sandwiches for the trip. THen get on with your life without the miserable bastard.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/09/2014 20:21

I'm not surprised your mother doesn't like him. I don't like him either, and he's not even moaning at dating my daughter.

Bunbaker · 02/09/2014 20:26

What positive aspects does he bring to the relationship?

Twinklestein · 02/09/2014 21:01

and you have not 'advanced' their standard of living

He's the one who's done f all to his wreck of a house.

OP, he's a revolting, racist, negative, manipulative, blaming user. Why are you even with him?

Of course you can't leave your mum, and the weather in Kent is hardly any different from Wales. Wales is lovely, I've spent a lot of time there, the people are lovely. The only blot on the landscape is your godawful partner.

Cabrinha · 02/09/2014 22:57

You love him... WHY?!

antimatter · 02/09/2014 22:59

why are you with him?

Original poster
starshine1926 · 02/09/2014 23:19

Thanks for the feedback everyone.
I stayed in the relationship because I met my partner at a low ebb in my life. I had just recovered from a mental breakdown and he helped rebuild my confidence and turn my life around. Also he is the first serious, long term partner I have had and I had been single for ages.

He has a great sense of humour, is not a liar or a cheater, doesn't look at other women, is a good cook and an adventurous, unselfish lover. He was generous and paid for everything in the first few years of our relationship. We have had some good times together. I have learnt a lot from him about the business we are in as I was a novice in the same business when we met.

Unfortunately, he has lots of issues - he had an abusive childhood with an absent father and a mother who really is a vile woman. His ex wife did something so dreadful to him that he had a breakdown so he has a bitter, cynical view of women. I guess I thought I could 'fix' him. I know that he loves me but only as much as he is capable of doing. And he blames everyone else for his unhappiness.
I too had a crappy childhood in that I was badly bullied at school and my father was a drunken, critical, argumentative monster who gave his family years of mental/emotional abuse. So I never had much confidence with men.

OP posts:
Isabeller · 03/09/2014 00:51

I also have a partner I don't live with and can identify with some aspects of your situation but I'm afraid that when I read the bit about not 'advancing' his standard of living I swore out loud Blush.

I've experienced DV and I think you'd get something from the Freedom Programme another poster suggested. I imagine it will be very difficult to untangle yourself even though you are not living together but I hope you can really lean on MN for the gentle support you need to do this.

Don't listen to the voice that says you've wasted your time and then cons you into wasting the next two - or ten years 'just in case'. Let his unreasonableness open your eyes to the possibility of a much happier life on your own terms.

It will take massive courage but you can move on.

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 03/09/2014 01:02

He loves me and I love him?????

JapaneseMargaret · 03/09/2014 01:38

None of that means you have any obligation to stay with him.

Maybe the two of you would simply be happier apart. I don't see how you could be anything, but.

Pickledradish · 03/09/2014 04:43

I really can't see what benefit you would get from moving to the South East.

He wants you to fund the move for him, but he won't live with you now - thats very telling. Even if he did relocate, he would still bring all his problems with him.

When you get to your 50's people think about eventually leaving the South East to go to West Country and Wales for a better quality of life, not the other way round.

He blames you for his state of mind - time to let him free!

joanofarchitrave · 03/09/2014 05:07

Everything you've posted sounds absolutely awful. But you've been with him 13 years - there MUST be something positive about the relationship? You say that you love each other - how does this manifest itself?

What's his exit plan from the business - is the idea for you to sell jointly?

The thought of you and him, separated from your mother and friends, cut off from the west in Kent (I grew up there - we never went to Wales because it's a long frigging drive, and if he hates it there you'll be doing that solo if at all), no house of your own, no business, listening to him blaming you for the continued lack of speedboats in his life - you are absolutely not selling it. I don't think you want to go, and you'd be right not to.

MexicanSpringtime · 03/09/2014 05:35

He sounds like a very dear friend of mine, actually, though I never understood the women who got involved with him. He is permanently dissatisfied and, unlike your partner, has moved all over the globe and been miserable everywhere.

I think in your partner's case, these are dreams born of weed. He is not making an effort to improve his life. He lives in a tip, won't commit, blames everything on the nationality of the people around him and his location. So sad.

Maybe instead of selling up, he should just move as a renter and see how it goes.

I can't really advise you on your decisions everyone else has.

hesterton · 03/09/2014 06:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryWestmacott · 03/09/2014 06:43

End the relationship, just because it suited you and was good for you doesn't mean you have to put up with it now when it doesn't suit anymore, you aren't committed to each other so you can walk away.

Rather than disentangle your money from the business, could you buy him out? Give him the capital to go follow his dreams and keep the business you've built up.

I wouldn't be surprised if after you've split up, and given him money from the business sale he still doesn't move, because right now he can blame all his crap on that.

Or maybe he'll go, and find suburban kent is very similar to suburban wales, only more expensive.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2014 07:12

"I stayed in the relationship because I met my partner at a low ebb in my life. I had just recovered from a mental breakdown and he helped rebuild my confidence and turn my life around. Also he is the first serious, long term partner I have had and I had been single for ages".

Thought you met this man at a low ebb and he acted like your knight in shining armour. This "love" you have for each other is really an unhealthy co-dependency and this relationship is truly dead now. He probably wanted to rescue and or save you just as you did with him. Being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works.

Do not invest any more in this, this is clearly not working and he is simply dragging you down with him now.

I would look into doing Womens Aid Freedom Programme as well as working on yourself to unlearn all the crap and damging stuff you've learnt about relationships to date.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/09/2014 07:22

He's completely awful. A poor childhood doesn't excuse the way he behaves now, and of course you can't bloody fix him. If I were you I would accept that this relationship has run it's course and cut your losses.
Whatever you do, do not sell your home. His treatment of his own house shows how much care he would take with your investment and I'm afraid he's just using you as a passport to buying a property in the south east.
Also, I live in the south east and really wish I didn't. It's too bloody expensive.