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Relationships

Illicit Encounters - what should I do now?

59 replies

Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 09:25

Hi there

I have changed my name for this as I don't want people who know me on here to know yet.

I have been married for 10 years and have 3 children. Work PT. DH works full time in quite a stressful job. We have our ups and downs but are (I thought) basically stable and quite happy.

On Tuesday I managed to tip a cup of tea into my laptop so it's being repaired. I got home last night and wanted to check something online so used DH's Mac. He was out but I have used it before and he knows I know the password (used to stop the children getting at it) so I logged on and opened a new page. It then offered me "top sites" or favourite sites - where is shows you a choice of the pages you keep going to or have been to before and one of them was the Illicit Encounters website. I clicked on as I didn't know what it was and was very upset. A quick trawl through the history on the Mac reveals he only looked at it on one night in the last few weeks but there are 32 different pages stored, including register and sign in. His search terms appear to be woman 40 to 49, but I can't work out any more from the webpages. That would figure as he is 46 (I am 44).

I went to bed before he came home and in the morning asked him if he minded me using the Mac today as I don't have my laptop at the moment. He was absolutely fine with this, which is odd as if I'd been on a site for people looking for an affair, I'd probably not let him near it.

What do I do now? He is at work and I am here, supposedly working at home but getting nothing done. What do I say? What possible excuse can there be apart from looking for a shag / relationship elsewhere? I can understand looking at the site if someone else had mentioned it or because he was bored etc but he seems to have searched for people which I suspect you can't do unless you register (and probably pay lots of £££).

I am not good at using the Mac as it is slightly different from my PC but I don't think I can have got this so wrong, can I?

I want to tell a RL friend but feel so ashamed. Plus we are going to a friend's 50th on Saturday and have another friend staying from tomorrow so I am not sure how I am going to handle it all.

I feel sick. Anyone got any ideas about what I should say when he comes home tonight?

Sorry this is long and rambling. Not thinking especially clearly.

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Quitelikely · 03/07/2014 09:32

Have you tried logging on from somewhere else so you can see if he is on there? If he is I would set up a fake profile and send him a message and see how he responds.

Don't tell him you k ow without trying this first!

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WildBillfemale · 03/07/2014 09:33

This search would show up on my laptop too - only because I overheard some gossip about a 'Jack the lad' at work being on the site and looked out of curiosity. I'd never heard of it before this so had a nosy around. The log-in page came up automatically as you can only look at limited details. I searched for his age range too (I'm sorry childish I know)

I don't know why your H was looking but there is always the chance it could be curiosity?.

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WildBillfemale · 03/07/2014 09:34

must add - it was possible to search for age and location without being a member.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2014 09:34

"Saw something very odd when I used your lap-top. Want to tell me what 'Illicit Encounters' is all about...?' If you've been married ten years, you should know by now when he's being evasive.

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Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 09:51

Ok, so I have just had a quick play with my phone and managed to search the men. There are loads of them so the chances of finding DH on there are minimal I reckon.

I suppose I am going to have to say something tonight. Oh God.

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FatherJake · 03/07/2014 09:55

Doesn't sound like he's been on it very much, could well be curiosity/titillation. If he's registered it may well be for free and you can have a look around. If you have to start paying to search then that raises the possibility that he's in a bit deeper.

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grandfathersflumpet · 03/07/2014 10:00

Any chance he could have been searching to see if someone he knows (or you even!) is on it? The age range he was searching is quite specific. You don't always need to register to search a few times.

I once joined a swingers site because it was rumoured a relative of mine was on it. Curiosity got the better of me and I signed up. DH knew about it but if he hadn't and he'd found out I would have had some explaining to do :)

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Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 10:01

How would I find out if he's registered or paid anything? I did look in his inbox for a welcome email but couldn't see one near the date. I suspect he would use a separate email account thug
h....

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Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 10:01

thug = though

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mumtosome61 · 03/07/2014 10:11

If I'm honest, I've had a poke on a few dating sites and looked in searches. Not because I am looking to find anyone - curiosity (especially if it's controversial) and because I have a friend who is online dating and sometimes if she links me to her profile to see if it reads right, I may have a browse just to see what they are like now. I used to use them before I met DP (3 years ago).

Sometimes I just like mooching around and seeing the types of things people say for themselves. It's sort of like Facebook for me. You can often search without actually registering.

If he's been pretty comfortable with you using his Mac and hasn't been particularly evasive, I'd probably say it was a curiosity thing rather than an secretive thing. I know full well if my DP was snooping around dating sites he would delete his history or withhold access to his computer and it would be pretty obvious.

If possible, screenshot the "history" page which shows historical visits to the page if you feel you'd need it in the future. To be honest, I'd just be upfront about finding it - you will work yourself up and possibly upset yourself unnecessarily. I hope it works out.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2014 10:14

Other than finding he has looked at this website, do you have any reason to suspect he is unfaithful? Have the 'ups and downs' that you mention in the past involved other women, for example? Is the relationship more distant than it could be? Naturally you want to know what's going on but you seem reasonably convinced already that he's up to no good

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Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 10:17

No other woman that I know of. We are more distant than we have been and there's not much sex going on, which again makes me wonder.

I don't think I am convinced he is up to no good. It just seems an odd thing to be browsing, esp when you have checked out the profiles of numerous women in your age group.

Perhaps I am unduly suspicious.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2014 10:25

Distance and lack of sex is why you're suspicious. It is definitely an odd thing to be browsing and I think that's how you phrase it when you talk to him. But I also think it should be a springboard to a bigger conversation about how you can get closer and more intimate as a couple.

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Jan45 · 03/07/2014 10:27

No you're not unduly suspicious, he's on a dodgy website looking up women, whether for curiosity or for an intention, it's not acceptable or right, nothing odd about it, it's shitty behaviour in my book.

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WildBillfemale · 03/07/2014 10:28

I once joined a swingers site because it was rumoured a relative of mine was on it. Curiosity got the better of me and I signed up. DH knew about it but if he hadn't and he'd found out I would have had some explaining to do smile

ha ha - I best let H know about my noseying at illicit counters too...

Must admit I'm often looking at dodgey sites like ladyboy sites and so on, I search for 'mail order husbands' and suchlike, It's more educational/curiosity than anything.

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xrach90 · 03/07/2014 11:20

Hmmm... Dont say anything until you're sure... if you mention it now, he will just get better at hiding it. I would download SSPro... it costs about £20 but it is so worth it for peace of mind. It's a secret programme that runs in the background and can take screen snapshots and log websites used. I know it seems very deceitful but he might be! He wouldnt be able to find it on his computer and you can just check it when he is at work. Good luck! Take my hat off to you for not mentioning it straight away!! xx

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Jamie1981 · 03/07/2014 11:36

I think its perfectly normal to go looking at these sites when things aren't going well at home. However, there is a huge link between looking at them and actually taking action, particularly for people who have been in long relationships.
I'm not sure i'd even mention what you've seen because that will just make him defensive and embarrassed. The fact that he's not worried about you using his laptop suggests that he doesn't have much to hide.
I'd focus on improving your own relationship, while maybe just keeping a weather eye on his browsing history from time to time.

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WildBillfemale · 03/07/2014 11:45

I would download SSPro... it costs about £20 but it is so worth it for peace of mind. It's a secret programme that runs in the background and can take screen snapshots and log websites used

God this is awful, you may as well just get divorced if you are even considering this - relationship is clearly over!

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alphacourse · 03/07/2014 11:45

It shows up as a foreign currency transaction for about £25 on bank statements.

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Jan45 · 03/07/2014 11:53

So every time there is a blip in your relationship and let's face it we all go through them that entitles you to go sniffing elsewhere - how is that normal - it's not, it's shitty behaviour no matter how you look at it, Illicit means just that, behind your partner's back!

Sorry but if a man or a woman goes looking it usually means they're not actually committed to said relationship.

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GirlWithTheLionHeart · 03/07/2014 12:00

Narrow Down your search to his age and your postcode

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YoBitch · 03/07/2014 12:17

what a load of bollocks saying it's 'normal' to look at websites like this when there's a blip in your relationship. that's just your normal - don't tar us all with the same brush.

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kaykayblue · 03/07/2014 12:28

I think rather than sniffing around and trying to work it out for yourself, you just need to speak to him about it. Directly. In a sort of "What the fuck is this about?" way.

I would find it totally abnormal and hugely disrespectful to be looking at sites like that, for any reason other than "oo I heard my cousin is on this site! Let's see!!" in which case, he most probably would have told you beforehand since it's good gossip, or "shit I've found my partner on here. Fuck". Which is never good.

If he's looking at sites like that then imo he has already got a foot out of the door.

You have every right to be angry after finding something like that on his computer - if he's innocent then he will realise how bad this looks and go to all lengths to reassure you he hasn't been/wasn't planning to stray. Because that's what you do when you realise you have done something which makes your partner doubt their trust in you.

If he gets angry and defensive...then you have your answer.

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Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 12:58

Thanks for all the replies.

I still don't really know what to think or indeed do about it. I would be inclined to think that he has forgotten about it as it was a couple of weeks ago, hence his willingness to let me use the laptop. I wonder about the iPad and his phone as I've no reason to use either of those.

I don't want to become super sleuth and start poking around to see what other info I can find bit the temptation is very strong.

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GirlWithTheLionHeart · 03/07/2014 14:52

But, kay he would most likely just lie.

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