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Original poster

Illicit Encounters - what should I do now?

59 replies

Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 09:25

Hi there

I have changed my name for this as I don't want people who know me on here to know yet.

I have been married for 10 years and have 3 children. Work PT. DH works full time in quite a stressful job. We have our ups and downs but are (I thought) basically stable and quite happy.

On Tuesday I managed to tip a cup of tea into my laptop so it's being repaired. I got home last night and wanted to check something online so used DH's Mac. He was out but I have used it before and he knows I know the password (used to stop the children getting at it) so I logged on and opened a new page. It then offered me "top sites" or favourite sites - where is shows you a choice of the pages you keep going to or have been to before and one of them was the Illicit Encounters website. I clicked on as I didn't know what it was and was very upset. A quick trawl through the history on the Mac reveals he only looked at it on one night in the last few weeks but there are 32 different pages stored, including register and sign in. His search terms appear to be woman 40 to 49, but I can't work out any more from the webpages. That would figure as he is 46 (I am 44).

I went to bed before he came home and in the morning asked him if he minded me using the Mac today as I don't have my laptop at the moment. He was absolutely fine with this, which is odd as if I'd been on a site for people looking for an affair, I'd probably not let him near it.

What do I do now? He is at work and I am here, supposedly working at home but getting nothing done. What do I say? What possible excuse can there be apart from looking for a shag / relationship elsewhere? I can understand looking at the site if someone else had mentioned it or because he was bored etc but he seems to have searched for people which I suspect you can't do unless you register (and probably pay lots of £££).

I am not good at using the Mac as it is slightly different from my PC but I don't think I can have got this so wrong, can I?

I want to tell a RL friend but feel so ashamed. Plus we are going to a friend's 50th on Saturday and have another friend staying from tomorrow so I am not sure how I am going to handle it all.

I feel sick. Anyone got any ideas about what I should say when he comes home tonight?

Sorry this is long and rambling. Not thinking especially clearly.

OP posts:
Golferman · 03/07/2014 15:29

My wife is on IE as its free for women. I'd join but it's something like £120 a month for men to join and send messages.

AbbeyBartlet · 03/07/2014 15:34

*Have you tried logging on from somewhere else so you can see if he is on there? If he is I would set up a fake profile and send him a message and see how he responds.

Don't tell him you k ow without trying this first!*

Shock I can't believe people actually do this. Perhaps the OP could, y'know, TALK to her DH about it (or is that not cloak and dagger enough).

Keepithidden · 03/07/2014 15:37

Perhaps the OP could, y'know, TALK to her DH about it (or is that not cloak and dagger enough)

If there is a history of subterfuge this may not yield truthful results.

I acknowledge it's a pretty big "if" though...

AbbeyBartlet · 03/07/2014 15:38

If someone asked me anything In a sort of "What the fuck is this about?" way I would get defensive! I would suggest just asking (not accusing) - then you can gauge his reaction and see where you want to go from there.

Quitelikely · 03/07/2014 15:40

Abby men tend not to own up to these things! Or did you just think they confess everything the minute they are questioned!

AbbeyBartlet · 03/07/2014 15:40

If there is a history of subterfuge this may not yield truthful results.

Very true.

If there is a history, then surely that's the OP's answer - if she can't trust him, then it almost doesn't matter whether he has cheated or whatever else. If he has lied before, then he is dishonest and untrustworthy.

Greenrememberedhills · 03/07/2014 15:42

If it was my H and I found that, I would take it he had been looking. I would definitely have a proper search; under the circumstances it is justified.

AbbeyBartlet · 03/07/2014 15:43

And that's why I said to gauge his reaction (not just take his words at face value!) - I presume that after being married 10 years, the OP would have a good idea of when her DH was lying.

AbbeyBartlet · 03/07/2014 15:45

WildBill Couldn't agree more! If you need to do something like that, you are either in a relationship with a liar (in which case, run for the hills!) or have trust issues (in which case, let him run for the hills).

xrach90 · 03/07/2014 16:09

Wildbill and abbey... The relationship would already be destroyed if he was looking at these kind of websites... I haven't used it myself but my friend has and she found her imagination was alot worse than what he actually WAS looking at, therefore relationship saved, no confrontations... £20 well spent IMO.

xrach90 · 03/07/2014 16:10

And as said above... This is well justified in the circumstances

LuisSuarezTeeth · 03/07/2014 16:18

I would get all the information you can. If the login page is in the history, the chances are you will be able to login automatically.

I'm really sorry, I don't think there is an innocent explanation Sad

AbbeyBartlet · 03/07/2014 16:23

My issue is that, however much suspicious behaviour is going on, if I found that a partner was spying on me, that would be a deal breaker.

Trust him, don't trust him - really don't demean yourself by spying on him.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/07/2014 16:38

OP I'm sorry about what you found.

TBH from the outside it looks very much like he has an account.

I found my exDP's details on a very similar site after finding his registration emails. (I then went on to find much much more but that's another story!) Even with written evidence he denied it. So I doubt your DH will admit anything if you confront him with what you've got. Chances are you may never find thetruth (I never did - well not from him anyway!) so you have to decide for yourself whether you trust him of not.

Original poster
Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 16:54

Thanks for all the replies.

How can he do this yo me and our beautiful children? I feel sick. I am so tearful I think he will guess that there is something up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 16:56

I don't want yo spy on him and would never normally look at emails or at his phone. He does take his iPad to work every day so I think I am going to have to start typing the web address into safari and see if it is in the history and comes up. Then I will know.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/07/2014 17:08

Wearing who knows why they do it? Because they can?

Best case scenario is that he registered so he could look / was curious and didn't message anyone. Either way it's grim Sad

Original poster
Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 17:21

I had a look today without registering so its probably not that alas. I suspect you can look yo see what's on offer but if you want to contact anyone you need to register.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 17:22

Had a look on phone so not on his laptop.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/07/2014 17:25

Oh I don't know. ExDP was on a different, equally sleazy one

My exDP tried to persuade me that there was someone with the same, nationality, height, build, postcode and cock as him. Yeah. Right

eatmoretoast · 03/07/2014 17:29

Sorry to hear of this.

Do you think he would have the opportunity to cheat?
Does his work allow him free time, or hobbies etc?

Original poster
Wearingadifferentnametoday · 03/07/2014 17:41

He does long hours and goes out with friends from time to time but I wouldn't have thought he had the time. I always assume when he says he is out with mates that he is. Perhaps my trust is misplaced.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/07/2014 17:50

There's always opportunity. Lunch hour. Sneaky half day. Working late. Out with mates. Working away. Believe me, where there's a will there's a way

eatmoretoast · 03/07/2014 18:01

I can understand how difficult this can be.
I would find it hard not to ask outright as I would be feeling upset and acting differently. On the other hand I would find it useful to gather more information beforehand as he will obviously deny any membership and say he was browsing through nosiness etc.

I don't think it's impossible that he could be nosing at the site without any intention of becoming involved in it himself. I have done it myself with POF.
I know colleagues are on there and I have gone on the site to nose at their profiles.

If it turns out he is a paid member than you know he has been up to / attempting to get up to no good.
I've done a bit of googling on Illicit Encounters just now. It seems that you can look at profiles without paying. If a man in there wants to message a woman he must be a paid member.
It also states that you can pay for your subscription discreetly. If you use a debit or credit card to pay it will show on your bill as "online tech support".

Golferman · 03/07/2014 18:23

Just looked again, it's £449 for twelve weeks!!