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When the OW comes to your house......................

(157 Posts)
Beehive52 Mon 02-Jun-14 18:57:16

Long time MN have name changed as am known to some of you very well on other talkboards..... Bit of a long story - basically my husband changed jobs a couple of years ago due to cuts at work. He is a senior professional, very well known in his field, we have been married 20 years, two children, boys, 18 and 15. We relocated to a different part of the country, uprooting away from an area we loved and were loved. No family here, just spent the past year getting children settled in schools etc. I am now an SAHM, dependent on his income. Right from the word go, an invisible barrier went up, we went through the motions, not particularly happy or unhappy, I gave up my job, began job hunting, etc when we moved here. All through the year, my instincts were telling me something was wrong. Little hints, messages 'this colleague' had been to visit in the house when I wasn't there etc. Nothing specific. Asked him whether he was having an affair, answer always no.

A phone call from 'the colleague' six months on revealed a two year affair. A deep emotional affair which had started before we moved house. Myself and the children blissfully unaware. She told me. He didnt, but confessed all, how he had been lonely working away, ( we lived apart for nearly 2 years whilst eldest was in year 10) felt disconnected from me, the usual bollocks. He went to docs and is on high dose anti depressants. But I agreed to counselling because I do love him. and acknowledged the marriage had been in the doldrums for some time and we had never addressed it. We both admitted neglect of the marriage. We are both good parents, we have always been good friends through some very difficult times. Not enough. Six months of counselling with relate, some tough talking, very hard on the children. I thought progress was being made, some days away together, better, open relationship and better and active sex life. Last weekend I opened the door to her standing there. She barged in, insisted on talking to him,horrible showdown with myself and children present. He stood there like a rabbit caught in headlights and EVEN THEN I didn't realise. Over that weekend, a stray email revealed a secret email account, full of intimate messages and photos, all going back to the original phone call in October.

I kicked him out and now know we need to separate. I so wanted to forgive him, to move on with him and truly wanted to believe he was over it all. I wanted to believe it was her instigating it all, and manipulating him. Emails proved he was infatuated with her. He appeared last weekend, shattered, forlorn, ill, and begged me not to give up on him... that she was an obsession, a fantasy and that he loved me and our children. I now feel that I am back to where I was in October - bereft, deeply hurt and not sleeping with high anxiety.

I know what I have to do, please give me the push I need.

MissScatterbrain Mon 02-Jun-14 19:01:55

So sorry sad what a cruel bastard to put you and the kids through all this farce while shagging OW.

First things first - get RL support so please talk to your friends and family. You will get the support you need to rebuild your life.

TheBogQueen Mon 02-Jun-14 19:05:02

I've not been through this, but didn't 'to want to read and run.

There is one thing about all this - now you know the truth. You know.

Are you able to think about what a happy life without him could entail? Moving back to friends and family? Are you able to think a little bit about your future? Is there something you would like to do fir yourself that could give you the motivation and strength to reject him? Is there something you have always wanted to do?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 02-Jun-14 19:10:29

I'm so sorry. I don't think many couples could come back from this second lot of deceit. Horrendous.

I think the push should be showing your sons that in life you have to protect yourself and know your self worth. That you don't let anyone shit on you. I think you need to try to heal and find some peace away from your selfish, disrespectful husband.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Alwaysbuybigpants Mon 02-Jun-14 19:11:04

She's an obsession??! A fantasy??! What on earth is he going on about, this isn't Lord of the Rings!
And shouldn't YOU be the one being offered antidepressants after this horrible ordeal, not two-timing Timmy with his harem of women. What a tough life he has.
I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you, can't imagine how devastated you must be after so many years. In my opinion, it's been going on too long and gone too far for reconciliation, he's obviously a self indulgent man child who will undoubtedly repeat this behaviour the next time you ask him to cook his own dinner.
I'm being glib, I know, but only to make a point. You have given many years of your life to this man and raised his children, and he repays you for your time and effort by shagging his colleague. Don't even get me started on her coming to YOUR house and making a scene in front of YOUR family, bitch better watch out next time before she gets beat down!!
You've still got loads of time for a happy life, and to start again. Sounds like he makes a fair wage so you won't be that hard up. Courts don't tend to favour the rich philanderer. Good luck, I hope the future without your husband brings lots of great things.

Rebecca2014 Mon 02-Jun-14 19:23:03

How horrible, what sort of woman would burst into someone else home and do all that in front of your children? Sorry but that just angers me, your kids didn't deserve to see that.

It was an two year affair, he is the ultimate selfish cheating bastard and I am not sure if you can get over it. He is an serial cheater, he will not stop cheating, he wants to have both of you...yes let the ow have him as he is certainly no prize. The fact is you forgave him and all he did was cheat again, there is not going back.

Toohardtofindaproperusername Mon 02-Jun-14 19:23:38

Did you relocate from where you lived and were lived to a place that was geographically closer to the person he was having an affair with?
Was he going to relate with you and seeing her at the sane time as claiming to work on your relationship? Did you ever discuss an open relationship? What did you give up to move and how do you get it back? He's not worth it. Sorry - just had a close friend whose husband did the same and it was the lying whilst going to relate that killed it for her - understandably. If you post a lot yourself try posting an answer to yourself under a new/changed name to support yourself in this. Reading your own advice might help..

HecatePropylaea Mon 02-Jun-14 19:26:53

He sounds like a self indulgent whiny cock.

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 02-Jun-14 19:28:36

I'm so sorry beehive - I can't imagine what that was like for you and your DCs x

Beehive52 Mon 02-Jun-14 19:31:41

Thank you to everyone for your replies flowers and advice. At the minute I just can't imagine my life without him, despite everything he has done. He lied throughout our time at Relate and to the children and myself, giving us false hope. Since November I have been living under the illusion that he genuinely wanted to reconcile ( he still says this!) - but that he was in too deep with her. She is very high flying ( needy) -( her own husband has MS ad she has just bought him his own flat and shunted him off there because her life is too stressful with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). He is not the man I have known for the past years, caring, gentle, moral, it is like he has had a personaility transplant. Yes, we moved to be near his job ( 250 miles away from friends and family - I am in a part of the country I dont really know, and have few RL friends here, so feel very isolated). My kids are just going through A LEvels and GCES respectively so my job at the moment is to support them both and then t hink about he future.

Rebecca2014 Mon 02-Jun-14 19:34:22

When you found out he was still cheating was he having sex with her or was it just messages, photos?

Nevergrowingup Mon 02-Jun-14 19:36:06

Beehive, first of all don't blame yourself. These two have colluded in this affair, before and after you knew so anyone who is prepared to do that to the mother of their children does not deserve to be treated lightly.

The blatant disregard for your privacy and home. How dare he let it get to the stage that the OW came to your home to make a scene. Each of the things you have described would alone be enough to kick this man into the kerb. This is the time for you to call a halt to it all. He may be senior and well respected in his profession but his private life is at odds with that. So many men in a role like that have an ego to go with it and they think they can bring the same attitude into their home. No, they can't.

Get professional advice. Get support in RL and start preparing for a formal end to this farce. An obsession? Really? How old is he?

Take care of yourself and get a solicitor pronto.

Nevergrowingup Mon 02-Jun-14 19:37:30

One of the great things about MN is that you are never isolated. There are always wonderful people to help get you through this.

Beehive52 Mon 02-Jun-14 19:39:03

Very intimate photos, stupid arse, really can't believe he would be that stupid, hes nearly 60 FFS) - he promised he wasnt having sex, over and over again. However I have found emails about 2 occasions, at her house ( once husband had been moved out) and away on a conference. He is currently abroad with her at the moment, having 'promised' that it would be the best test for him..... God, I sound pathetic and weak, its just that I have already been through this once, and now feel knocked flat again by it. sad. My kids are wonderful, really, I don't know how he could contemplate stuffing them up in such an important year for both of them, -but that is the problem in a way, I am part of a 'package' -it is like he has lost touch with reality. It must have damaged his reputation and integrity at work, I just dont know how he is living such a life.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 02-Jun-14 19:42:09

He's not the man you thought you knew. You have to treat it as if he has died. That night seem harsh but he's not there anymore. Please don't waste any more of your precious life on this cheat and liar.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Mon 02-Jun-14 19:46:17

Didn't want to read and run.

So sorry for you flowers

Hope you find the strength to leave x

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Mon 02-Jun-14 19:49:20

This won't be a test. If they are alone together , you know what will be happening. How fuckng dare he go away with her again. He should of left his job!

Kick him out, let her have him. Please don't let this continue for the sake of the kids.

ChangelingToday Mon 02-Jun-14 19:54:17

Hugs for you xox so sorry you are going through this sad

WisemansBridge Mon 02-Jun-14 19:54:20

Oh bless you, of course you're going to feel bereft, hurt and anxious. You're probably suffering from complete shock. Disappointment. A roller coaster of emotions. Bit this will pass, I promise. And you will rebuild your life without your husband.

You need to let him go now. The trust has gone. He blew his chance. Counselling didn't work. He disrespected you, lied to you. I too hope you find the strength to leave him. He doesn't deserve you. flowers

magoria Mon 02-Jun-14 19:54:22

The best test for him!?!? What a joke!

Surely the best test would have been the last six months seeing his devastated wife and children as they all went through this.

Or his devastated wife and upset children when OW came into his house and exposed all this.

It's not a test for him it is a test for you. Will you put up and shut up and allow him to go off for weeks at a time with OW 'for work'?

Are you going to pass his test and allow him to carry this on or show that you are worth more that his pathetic offerings?

Beehive52 Mon 02-Jun-14 20:02:43

Thank you again everyone, softly, he told me he really didnt want to go away with her, and has supposedly distanced himself from her (t hey share an office at work) - My feeling is we could have probably made a go of it if they hadnt been working at close range- he told me he felt 'shackled to her'. I believe he has tried to do this, but realistically he has been weak and pathetic. 20 years of marriage is pretty hard to throw away but I really feel I have no more to give now, so why do I still love him so much? The thought of taking our retirement in a couple of years, gone. Our future, gone. It is unbearable.

I read the threads on here, the lives of so many lovely women who are treated so appallingly and with so little love and respect, it is heartbreaking.

Alwaysbuybigpants Mon 02-Jun-14 20:03:01

He's on shitting HOLIDAY with her?? Oh my god, this gets worse and worse - I thought he was begging for your forgiveness five minutes ago?? The ultimate test?? What is that supposed to mean?! He sounds like a man I'd quite like to punch. Hopefully he breaks something on his hols - nothing serious, just something annoying, like a thumb.
Anyway, I digress...... Don't let the fact that your kids are doing their exams have any Influence on your decision to stay/leave. (Hopefully kick him out). Kids go through divorce, bereavement, break ups, all sorts during exams and most of them do fine. You are not damaging them in any way by leaving him, he's already done the most damage and they will not be any better off if you stay in this god-awful sounding marriage. In fact, by the descriptions you are giving of him, the kids are probably better off with you for most of the time anyway, seeing as he doesn't seem to have any of the traits needed to be a good person or a reliable father.
I'm looking forward to hearing about the massive party you have when arse wipe finally leaves.

ChangelingToday Mon 02-Jun-14 20:04:26

Sounds like by coming to your house the ow wants him to choose between you now? She obviously wanted you to know it was ongoing and is probably counting on you ending the marriage now. So him thinking he can swan off to her and expect both Beehive and the ow to put up with that will probably not be ok.

Beehive52 Mon 02-Jun-14 20:08:09

Always - no not on holiday, a work visit ( he is usually away 10 weeks or so a year). He asked not to go, but it was non negotiable 9 apparently).

You are right about the kids, they are both so devestated, but the endless arguing, reconciling, inexplicable fighting ( picking a fight about rubbish things) was all protracted and probably more damaging. Its just me now, I have to deal with it. I always imagined us an old happy couple - its just trying to get through the false hope and find peace now - sounds trite I know, but after months of anxiety I now realise I have no choice.

magoria Mon 02-Jun-14 20:08:29

He is on holiday with her? I assumed it was a work trip!

And you are still contemplating a relationship with him!!!

OMG speechless. Just how much shit can you allow this man to dump on you?

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