Following from a thread earlier (I have namechanged for this)..I read the thread and almost everyone said they loved their children equally.
Well I don't think I do. I kiss or hug my DS (5yo) and these huge waves of love engulf me. I would do anything for him. I bonded with him from birth.
My DD (7yo) in my head she is amazing, wonderful, clever. A pain sometimes. But totally worthy and deserving of soooo much love. But no wave of it engulfing me. I can find her very irritating.
It must affect how I deal with them (I know I am harder on her).
And the worst thing? I experienced favouritism as I was growing up. I was the golden child as far as my DM was concerned. Recently my DSis (we are close) has started to get some counselling to deal with her relationship with our parents and her self esteem issues.
The thread this evening really just slammed it right in my fucking head. I could not say "Yes I love my children equally". How fucking awful is that? There are potentially so many "reasons". Multiple miscarriages before we had her - I know I never truly felt I would have a baby in my arms until she finally arrived...and then crushing PND followed. My relationship with parents...who knows. But I have to, have to, have to fix it. She deserves so much more. They both do. And actually, fuck it so do I.
Anyway. Not quite sure why I am writing this. Am in tears. But DH is out. My best friend is going through a major relationship crisis so cannot call her and I think it would be crass of me to call my sister. So I needed to tell, to confess. To acknowledge I am fucking repeating history. Fuck.
Before doing this post though I have spent the last hour researching local counselling services and emailed one.
I need to deal with this. I am going to deal with this.
Please be gentle with me. Is there anyone who has been through this and got out the other end? Surely I cannot be the only totally crap one. Fuck.
Sorry is so long.
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Relationships
I do have a favourite. And I feel sick about it.
MyFirstName · 27/02/2014 23:06
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