Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

(527 Posts)
onlyjustgettingby Tue 18-Dec-12 11:53:50

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

Convict224 Tue 18-Dec-12 11:57:01

So he loves his wife? Are you just his recreational shag on the side? If so how does that make you feel?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Tue 18-Dec-12 11:58:32

It's not so much what you're doing is wrong as what he's doing. i.e. having his cake and eating it. You'll be the one sat alone on Christmas Day, twiddling your thums at weekends or going on holidays solo. He gets to do the Happy Family thing and parade his lovely wife and three kids in public.... plus shag you when he feels like. If that makes him a 'soulmate' you've got really low standards or you're ever so slightly delusional.

You really could function without him, you know. He's treating you with contempt.

onlyjustgettingby Tue 18-Dec-12 11:59:17

Yes he loves his wife, they have been together for 20 years, I am not anyones recreational shag, I have a mind of my own, it works both ways.

onlyjustgettingby Tue 18-Dec-12 12:01:15

I wont be sitting anywhere alone or holidaying anywhere alone I have 2 children and plenty of friends, I am happy in my life, as he is too.

He really isnt treating me with any contempt at all, he simply isnt like that, he has never had affairs before and I know he wouldnt again if we were to end.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Tue 18-Dec-12 12:03:05

So if you're happy do nothing. Good luck

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 18-Dec-12 12:03:08

You feel no guilt in your part in putting that poor woman in exactly the same position as you when you were desperately unhappy at your exH's affairs ?

You deserve happiness love, but not at someone else's expense

Find someone with no ties.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 18-Dec-12 12:05:01

< arf > @ he's never had an affair before, and would never do it again

I expect that's what your H kept telling you

Have you learned nothing from your experiences ?

EdithWeston Tue 18-Dec-12 12:05:59

I can see why you might want an emotionally unavailable man at the moment.

But you are his recreational shag on the side. It's up to you whether you settle for that. A man who is lying and cheating towards his wife cannot be a good partner, and although it is possible to be the OW and not erode your self-esteem, it's pretty rare.

PepperMincePie Tue 18-Dec-12 12:06:36

Well, what advice are you after exactly? If you're not a recreational shag and you have your own life and are very happy thank you, I'm not sure it's our advice you're after.

Perhaps you need some therapy? [hmmm]

PepperMincePie Tue 18-Dec-12 12:07:12


GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Tue 18-Dec-12 12:07:17

So, excuse me, have you decided that you just wanted to let another woman experience the same hurt in her marriage as you had in yours?

I have to break it to you, it is not his wifes fault that you married a loser and a cheat. It is also not her fault that you have decided to adopt your ex husbands low morals ; Those of an alley cat.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 18-Dec-12 12:07:42

Hi there pepperMP smile

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 18-Dec-12 12:08:44

Hi Op

This is a little bit like life imitating art..

What your ex did to you, you are helping to visit on to someone else ie
another wife. The one thing I would advise is go see a good counsellor and get in touch with the feelings that you felt during his many infidelities and think about how it would feel for this wife and her kids.

Did you think you deserved to feel like this or be put through this?
There is not a right thing to do per se but there is a moral question about what is right, the right thing is break it off and let the woman have her life back if that is possible.

The other aspect is why have you chosen a guy who is unavailable to you?
This is the part that seems deliberate to me, it is almost like because he is cheating and you know and its not on you, its ok and makes you safe.

Unconsciously you know this guy is never going to be with you in the future
because lets face it, you would probably start changing your mind if he suddenly did leave his wife etc. You wouldnt trust him, he would become a parody of your ex.

You have set yourself up in a way that causes as least amount of pain to yourself and surprise or so you thought, but in reality you have put in place a situation that is un winable if you expect anyone to get out of this unhurt.

There are reasons you have done this, and they need to be explored because a lot of them are hidden deep in side of you, before you cause untold misery to someone innocent and her kids, please go and explore them professionaly.

Pootles2010 Tue 18-Dec-12 12:09:13

But you must see he is treating his wife with contempt? Perhaps try to detach yourself and look at this objectively. This man says he loves his wife. He is also doing something that he knows would destroy her, and their family. Do you think this man is someone you can love? Really?

I think you've been blindsided by the 'romance' of it all to the point that you can't/don't want to see the grubbiness, the nastiness of this situation. I can see why you don't want to sad but i think you must.

SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell Tue 18-Dec-12 12:09:23

Is this a piss-take? Because I bloody hope so!

PepperMincePie Tue 18-Dec-12 12:09:28

Hi there name change therapist smile

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 18-Dec-12 12:11:11

There seems to be a little blip of extra "I am having/have had an affair and I don't care" threads in the last couple of days.

PepperMincePie Tue 18-Dec-12 12:12:52

I wondered about that not half an hour ago AF. Is it Christmas do you think, with the associated guilt of playing happy families etc, that is causing all these people to 'fess up at this time of year and/or end it?

ClippedPhoenix Tue 18-Dec-12 12:13:12

What sort of advice?

The only advice I can think of OP is for you to work on your self-esteem.

Why on earth would you want to be a shabby second?

Fragglewump Tue 18-Dec-12 12:13:15

This is tricky but for me having half of the person I loved would be untenable long term. If you can settle for that then maybe you have a future. The likelihood is that his wife would leave him if she found out about his affair. Often when this happens the man comes to stay with the 'mistress' but with all the pressure of his familys heartache and the thrill of the illicit affair over quite often the relationship fails anyway. I understand how hard it is but I honestly believe that you deserve your own partner and not snatched times with someone elses partner. Good luck with whatever you do. Oh yes if you really are soulmates then you will end up together but I would personally step away from him so that he can try to save his family.

noddyholder Tue 18-Dec-12 12:13:49

You are disrespecting his wife and children end of story and if you believe in karma you will both get your come uppance.

AlexanderS Tue 18-Dec-12 12:14:16

You can find somebody else who's single who you like as much - then everybody can be happy (I don't believe in soulmates - there are 6 billion people out there, you are going to be compatible with more than one of them). Also I think it's highly unlikely you'll end up with this guy eventually. Like others have said, he's having his cake and eating it - where's his incentive to get together with you? This is not love - it never can be in these situations because one person is not free to give themselves fully - just the thrill of illicit sex.

Tamoo Tue 18-Dec-12 12:14:40

Your OP is quite contradictory.

You lost respect for your exH because of his affairs; what's different about this guy?

You say he is happy with his family and you don't want him to leave, yet you feel that one day you will be together; how would that work, and how do you envisage that happening?

Not flaming you, just think it might be helpful for you to analyse your own logic. Would also echo what others have said that you have no proof this man has never had affairs/flings/ONS before. If he can lie to his wife of 20yrs and the rest of his family he can easily lie to you.

flurp Tue 18-Dec-12 12:14:54

I'm not sure what you want us all to say...
You aren't going to get any advice on here telling you to continue with your sordid affair, but you seem to want to justify it.
He is using you. If he loved you he'd leave his wife for you. If he loved his wife he wouldn't be shagging you.
If you are happy being used like this then more fool you just carry on the affair and take the consequences when his wife finds out, because she will (same as you did when it happened to you!)
Seriously, you should see a counsellor or someone to get to the root of why on earth you think this is enough for you. Your ex husband really has screwed up your values and your self esteem.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: