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The hardest post I've ever written..

(153 Posts)
dazedandtherest Sat 07-Jan-06 18:55:44 really is.
I'm sure Custy and Cod will rip pieces off me, I can just see it.

When ds was tiny (about 3 or 4 weeks) I was looking for photos of him on our PC and mistakingly looked in the wrong folder and found loads of pictures of posing girls with their names as the file names (the kind that you would email to someone if meeting up etc) I assumed that it was from my dh's past and didn't think too much of it (after all that is the way we met six years ago)

However about three or four days later I found his lap top downstairs which had not been shut down properly as totally by chance there were loads of chat windows open (private conversations) of a very lewd and sexual nature. I went loopy (blame the sleep deprivation and hormones) and without explanation hit the roof and left my wedding ring on the lap top with the windows still open and packed my bags to leave him. He was devastated and swore on our baby's life that the conversations were not initiated by him but randomly posted by others. When I tackled him about the other photos I had found (including two of his ex colleagues) He appeared to have full explanations for all of these. he sounded so entirely genuine that I was convinced. It took quite a while for me to be convinced though.

Ok well roll on a while and in a strange coincidence today I was searching for some photos to print out for relatives when I came across a strange folder containing not only more picture of girls posing in skimpy clothes (some dating back from last September) but also photos of him digital ones which look like ones he would send out.

I am at my wits end and so upset. All I keep thinking about is how my family is going to be ripped apart. I keep looking at my son and just assuming the worst but I'm just too scared to approach him. I really did feel like a stupid, paranoid insecure idiot last time but this time it's like all of those feeling I had were indeed correct and I'm left feeling numb and like it's the end of our relationship.

We went out today and it was so strange to try to act normal but I couldn't and I kept watching dh like a hawk every time a woman walked past.

I think I am going to lose my mind.

expatinscotland Sat 07-Jan-06 18:57:22


Dump the mutha f*cka already.

Sorry, but he's a liar, liar, liar.

hunkermunker Sat 07-Jan-06 18:58:59

You have to confront him about it.

Would you go to Relate or are you beyond that?

waterfalls Sat 07-Jan-06 19:00:17

Agree with expatinscotland, sorry.

Surely he would have deleted all these files last time if it meant nothing to him.

SenoraPostrophe Sat 07-Jan-06 19:01:35

i think he is a liar too. can you check his email?

MarsLady Sat 07-Jan-06 19:01:40

just echoing expat!

dazedandtherest Sat 07-Jan-06 19:02:44

oh fucking hell.

dazedandtherest Sat 07-Jan-06 19:02:56


mykidsmum Sat 07-Jan-06 19:04:11

If he is making you feel like you are losing your mind then he simply isn't worth it, sorry mate, i guess this isn't what you want to hear, but look what a state its got you in

expatinscotland Sat 07-Jan-06 19:04:12

the bit about 'randomly posted by others' conversations. yah, right! so random strangers hijacked his MSN/yahoo/IM whatever ID and had lewd conversations w/all and sundry??! and he didn't delete them, express shock or surprise?

robinpud Sat 07-Jan-06 19:04:14

So sorry for you , but this is obviously an important part of his life.. do you want it in there a space for a man with this sort of habit in your ds's life? do you have a rl friend to talk to? Why not delete the whole lot for him?

kama Sat 07-Jan-06 19:04:18

Message withdrawn

lockets Sat 07-Jan-06 19:04:23

Message withdrawn

hunkermunker Sat 07-Jan-06 19:04:46

God, don't apologise. I'd have invented several new swear words which would've melted the paint off my front door in your shoes

But you do need to talk to him.

expatinscotland Sat 07-Jan-06 19:05:16

YOU have nothing to apologise for.

Twiglett Sat 07-Jan-06 19:05:37

Is there anything about his actual behaviour in RL that makes you think he's having an affair

personally I can't help feeling that online is a place one is entitled to fantasise and play around in .. it is like interactive porn I suppose .. but I don't have a problem with porn

I just think to me it depends whether he has followed through or not into the real world or whehter to him its a little tittilation like with a jazz mag

I really think he may well have a different view to you about how serious an 'offence' this is .. and maybe that's justified

but maybe I'm speaking out of turn

all I know is until you can face him and talk to him about it rationally then you have no chance of getting through this .. and leaving him for a couple of internet postings when you are a family may be a step too far

(don't understand what cod and custy have to do with it either)

dazedandtherest Sat 07-Jan-06 19:05:38

I am in two minds as to what to do. I was thinking about printing all of the pictures(there are about 6/7 women) and handing them to him and asking for an explanation. And indeed asking why the photos would still be there if he was so devastated from last time.

dazedandtherest Sat 07-Jan-06 19:07:58

Twig the Cod and Custy references are because of how they usually deal with a a thread like this (it was meant to be tongue in cheek)

There is no way he is having an affair in RL, he wouldn't have time.

But I think what is happening with the photos is pretty bad all the same.

dazedandtherest Sat 07-Jan-06 19:09:23

Kama I have checked e mail, nothing suss there at all. In RL he is very loving and affectionate to me and ds.


How on earth do I bring this up?

hunkermunker Sat 07-Jan-06 19:10:09

I agree with Twiglett about porn in general - but it's the fact he'd got pics of himself that would concern me, I think.

Twiglett Sat 07-Jan-06 19:10:53

I can't understand why you think its so bad

sorry I am not being deliberately obtuse

but its just like a magazine isn't it?

do you think there's a chance you are taking a little harmless titillation too much to heart .. are you so totally against porn that you do not see that someone you love may get pleasure from it innocently?

dazedandtherest Sat 07-Jan-06 19:11:47

Yes HM, that is what I thought.

It's pretty obvious that they are to send out(to me) to someone. What other explanation can he have for having duplicate pictures which are cropped and in a smaller size

Twiglett Sat 07-Jan-06 19:11:59

(aside: have just decided titillation is the most marvellously appropriate word)

hunkermunker Sat 07-Jan-06 19:12:18

Are they "posing pouch" type pics or just ones of him cropped from family pics?

mummytosteven Sat 07-Jan-06 19:12:46

Twiglett - in the past some of the dodgy photos mentioned by the OP appeared to have been of his ex colleagues! and he seems to have been preparing dodgy photos of himself to send out! this sounds rather dodgier than the internet equivalent of looking at p3 girls to my mind.

dazedandtherest- can only echo Hunker. Try and get him to explain WTF is going on.

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