I gave lying cheating bastard husband a second chance and feel like such a fool

[brokenlady]

I have posted my situation in some of the previous threads. Married 10 years, 2DC and quite a nice life or so I thought. Found out 6 weeks ago that H had been having an affair with married woman with kids for a couple of months. He begged forgiveness, said he never intended to leave me (like that makes it ok) and that me and DC were his world and he had made huge mistake. Tentatively we began to work towards trying to make it work.

I asked that he reduced his drinking (I honestly think this is a bigger problem than the affair), quit smoking which he started again after 3 years of abstinence just cos OW smokes and not to have any contact with OW. L made it clear that if these things did not happen, I would end it.

Last night I checked his mobile bill and saw that he has been ringing her at home most days. She is SAHM. I am just devastated. Why put me and DC through last 6 weeks and give false hope of a future? He has gone in to complete melt down. says it is all my fault for checking his bill and therefore it is actually me who has ruined everything! I know that this is a protective thing - if he is blaming me then he doesn't have to blame himself. But it feels like such a slap in the face. So cruel. I feel I have been set back 6 weeks in my healing process.

He says that he was ringing to find out if her husband was likely to go after him and to see how things were panning out for them. I just don't buy it. He is adamant that it is over - she is still with her husband. I have spoken to her today and she insists she wants nothing to do with him. However, she is a proven liar with the morals of an alley cat.

I have packed his bags and sent him off to his parents again and it has disrupted DC again. He is deluding himself that we can get through this but I have made it clear I don't think I can.

So what the hell for me now? Really need some advice. Popped in to a solicitor's office today and he wants £170 per hour - not sure I can afford to divorce the philandering sod! Are there ways of keeping costs down? How do I negotiate access to DC? I work and earn 30k a year - will I be entitled to any child maintenance? Sorry I am rambling but am just all over the place.

SAFFY - thank you always for your kind words. They help so much. TSR your post is inspired.
H had DC for a few hours yesterday evening. When he dropped them back he turned up with flowers and chocs which i declined. He then started crying about what he has lost. Definitely tears for himself. I told him to go. He then reverted back to blaming me for everything. I think he realises he is no longer in control and doesn't like it. He did go and spent the evening bombarding me with texts. I sat on my hands and ignored them but it was tough.
It is no longer enough for him to tell me that he is not going to see ow again, that he is going to cut down drink and stop smoking. I need time and space to see him actually do these things. Even then i am not certain we have a future. I am frustrated with myself that i still love him. I didn't enter into marriage lightly. I truly wanted it to be forever. However i am determined to listen to my head and not my heart atm. I am holding onto the odd good hour i have here and there.
TSR think you are right about ow. She has loved been at the centre of all of this. She was telling my h that she was in love with him about a week after meeting him. However she has no longer intention of leaving her h. It was all a big game to her. I am still struggling to understand how someone can behave like this.
Today i am sorting out finances and tax credits. I know i can do this. Thank you all x

Well done BL - you're being strong when inside you're broken - I know how that feels.

It will help to sort out tax credits etc., you'll feel capable again.

And those odd good hours you have here and there - focus on them, they'll soon grow into longer times, better times.

Yes his tears are for him, suddenly his little bubble has burst and he is perhaps starting to see that you mean business.

Whatever the future holds, he needs to realise what he's lost/losing. He needs to see the consequences of his actions. You above all, need time and space, to focus, reflect and think about what you want. Someone you need to put him and what he's doing on the back burner, and just think about you. And this will take as long as it takes.

You will get through this, you're a very strong woman, who deserves better.
We'll help you.
X

That's the saddest thing isn't it BROKEN that they risk it all for some stupid bint who when you talk to them(as I did rightly or wrongly at time -not sure now) seem to have some sense of entitlement to have 'just a bit of fun' or it was just 'so exciting but my husband's my real soulmate' Wanted to slap her honestly.Your right it's a game to them.But the aftermath sure isn't fun.Or have I no sense of humour?!Wishing you the strength to get thro another day and be kind to yourself.

brokenlady if you do stay strong and decide to stay separated please try using Mediation for some issues that may arise, it's way cheaper than using solicitors.

"He did go and spent the evening bombarding me with texts. I sat on my hands and ignored them but it was tough."

That is a majorly impressive thing to do and takes a lot of willpower and self-control, especially when the urge to refute what is being said to you grows and grows. Good on you. Not responding is the best thing to do in these sorts of situations. Limit your exposure to his drama and you'll be better off- he can throw as many accusations as he likes in person or on the phone, but that doesn't make any of them true. It's just him lashing out and looking for a response.

You are not a fool. You have made sure. :)

You are not a fool for trying again, atleast you can now feel that you did your best and gave him a second chance, he messed up twice not you.

I got back with ex p many times and always felt stupid, but never had solid proof he was cheating and he would never admit it.

But last time I got back with him, he was flirting with other women, and I left him and do not regret leaving or even regret giving him that last chance. As now I feel i did everything I could do to work at our relationship. He is now living in the past arguing with me about our relationship that ended nearly a year ago while I am trying to move on, and not missing him atall.

Re: maintence, he should have to pay 15% of his earings for 1st dc, not sure n=how much more for 2nd.

Good luck

Thank you all again. I look forward to coming here and reading your thoughts. It helps me stay strong and that i am doing the right thing.
Yesterday was tough. I just really missed him. You see i always thought of him as my best friend as well as well my husband. Do i sound pathetic? i really wish i could just switch my emotions off. I just keep wondering why he did this to me. He says he liked the excitement and thought it was a laugh. I feel like the one that doesn't get the joke.
I kept busy with DC which helps the time to pass. I also sorted out a single claim for tax credit which felt productive. And not as difficult as i anticipated.
Have friend from work who knows everything coming over with his wife today so that will be a good distraction.
H seeing DC tomorrow so need to stay strong and show that i mean business even though i am dying inside.

Thank you all again. I look forward to coming here and reading your thoughts. It helps me stay strong and that i am doing the right thing.
Yesterday was tough. I just really missed him. You see i always thought of him as my best friend as well as well my husband. Do i sound pathetic? i really wish i could just switch my emotions off. I just keep wondering why he did this to me. He says he liked the excitement and thought it was a laugh. I feel like the one that doesn't get the joke.
I kept busy with DC which helps the time to pass. I also sorted out a single claim for tax credit which felt productive. And not as difficult as i anticipated.
Have friend from work who knows everything coming over with his wife today so that will be a good distraction.
H seeing DC tomorrow so need to stay strong and show that i mean business even though i am dying inside.

You will miss the "him" that he was before all this came out but it was all a lie. You have to remember that.

There are plenty of others in the world who can become your best friend and will treat you with much more respect.

Being given a second chance is lucky. To throw it in your face is just a complete lack of respect and he deserves everything he gets.

The pain will lessen after a while and you can start to rebuild your life.

Maleview is right about respect.Don't think my DH understood the full implications of his behaviour as it progressed but when reality hit and I pointed out that it showed a total lack of respect for me/ us and everything we'd been thro and worked together for over the years the penny finally dropped.If he had then continued contact with her that would have been it for me I'm almost certain.But of course you miss him.It's a form of bereavment and you are grieving.Altho we stayed together and in many ways are stronger maybe even better I still have days where I mourn the simpler, more trusting and totally secure way I felt.Hope your friends give you all the support you need this weekend.

broken so sorry to hear about what youre going through, give yourself time, dont rush into anything, dont reveal your hand to your dh, let him stew, whatever you do dont tell him what you intend to do; see how he behaves and whether you can truly get over this

Ok so i am awake super early on a Sunday morning and fretting about seeing h when he comes to get dc later this morning. Yesterday was tough and i cried and cried but had support from a good friend.
I am determined that h will not see me in a state though so will get myself ready and grit my teeth.
He continues to beg me to have him back and of course there is still a part of me that would welcome him back with open arms. But i won't. He has not proved himself and talk is cheap.
Therefore i am determined that dc and i will.move forward. I have done little things for Myself - signed up for local 10k run, arranged nights out with friends etc... I am also taking dd to lapland on my own in demember. I am determined that h will see that i can cope and that i am not going to let him destroy me completely.

Morning BL - I know exactly how you feel. I remember the early days after we split and ex came round to collect YS for rugby. I hated it, I dreaded it. In the end I just stayed out of the way. Easier for me because mine are teenagers. He always collects YS on Saturday morning for the day. I still wake up full of dread. I just hate that he's back in the family home. Hard to explain.

Don't expect to much from yourself, if you do get upset, then it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean that you're weak. It means that you're still grieving for what you once had and the future you thought you would have. So don't beat yourself up about getting upset (if you do).

And well done on planning for the future, arranging little things really help. (Although a 10K run isn't a little thing!) Well impressed I am!

Take care, and keep strong. Above all, he needs to realise that you need as much time as you need to decide what you want. He won't like this - but tough - he caused all this, so now it's on your terms.

Hope you have a nice day and keep posting.

My DH's loathsome brother had an affair. His wife of over twenty years who had been a rock for him while he had a nervous breakdown ended up divorcing him but the slimy shit wormed his way back into her life saying how much he regretted his actions and promising it was now all over. She remarried him - I remember screaming 'Oh No!' when DH told me.

Not long after he was back seeing the OW, who didn't have the decency to bow out after causing so much damage and hurt - to his children as well as his wife. DH said he couldn't understand it - 'She's a right old bag.' Men! 'Would it have been ok if she were some hot young babe?', I enquired. 'Of course not', he replied, recognizing the tone in my voice.

When it came out (mobile phone bill!) as it was bound to, SIL pressed the ejector button - for good this time. Now, out of his three DCs, only the DD will speak to him. His two DSs not only refuse to have any contact with him whatsoever but have changed their surname to their mother's maiden name to symbolically sever the link. I hope he thinks it's all been worthwhile. Last I heard he'd finished with the OW and had moved on to someone else.

Why I'm going on about this is because my SIL told me recently that she has finally moved on and feels her life is fantastic. She too remembers the early part of their marriage and wishes that it could have turned out differently, but now has peace of mind, and is happier than she could have thought possible a couple of years ago. She says it would be nice to meet someone else, but she now knows that being with a man is not essential to her well-being.

I'm sure this light is waiting for you at the end of the tunnel, too, if you find yourself having to go down it.

I hope you manage to bear up today - and good luck for the future.

I initially coped with seeing him on Sunday as well as I could under the circumstances. DC were pleased to see him and I never want to lose sight of the fact that he is their father and they love him. I want them to have a good relationship.
When he dropped them back, it was more difficult and I allowed myself to get into a conversation with him (a moment of weakness!). He remains steadfast in his view that we can make this work and it is exhausting for me to have to keep explaining why I can't have him back. Of course I ended up tearful and felt angry with myself for giving him the satisfaction of seeing that he had got to me.
I spent the rest of the evening alone and obsessing about OW which I know is unhealthy and pointless. She is a plain plain 40 year old - unpleasant inside and out. I really feel like he had steak at home (I am 34 and am told that I am wearing well!!) and went for the cheapest burger in town. Even OW has said that I am far prettier than her and that she knew she was punching above her weight. Of course I know that all this is irrelevant and affairs are not really about physical attractiveness. He was attracted to the secrecy, the excitement, the fun element etc... My self esteem has taken such a battering that I seem to focus on this stuff.
I really hope that the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel comes for me soon. Deep down, I know that I can cope on my own. I have a career and can be finacially OK, I am bright and capable and can manage running a home on my own, I have good friends and family so will never be completely alone. I also know that I don't NEED a man (especially a lying and cheating one) to make me happy. So why is it I still feel so utterly heartbroken and bereft?

I think it's quite simple BL, but I wondered the same thing at your stage.

It's simply that your heart hasn't caught up with your head.

Your head is telling you all the things you've just posted; you're attractive, you're a coper, etc. Your heart however is still grieving for the love you once shared.

It just takes time. I'm nearly four months down the road you've just started on, and I still wonder why it all went wrong and miss the happy times in the earlier years we shared together. Like you, I can rationalise it, but my heart still says "hang on, this isn't right".

Him telling you that it can still work, is what your heart still wants to hear, but your head is telling you that you need to stick to your guns. So there's emotional turmoil and conflict.

Your heart will start to catch up soon - I promise. Well done on getting through yesterday. Your tears proved that you're a caring, decent compassionate woman - the best kind.

So, he's ignoring your needs and requests.Bombarding you with his presence, texts, flowers etc. Begging you to take him back. Crying. Asking you justify your decision to end your relationship again and again. Instigating fraught discussions. (Harassment, basically).

Still in touch with OW. Still not told you truth about their relationship.

And, when you refuse to have him back, moving very quickly indeed to anger and blaming YOU for "throwing it all away".

Bet he's still smoking and drinking too much - and blaming that on you too.

Shame on him.

His behaviour just now is surely further evidence that you've made a good decision?

What's he doing to help YOU right now? Or the DCs? Not a lot probably, too busy feeling sorry for himself, boozing and emotionally blackmailing you. Wearing you down.

Try to set up some stronger boundaries if you can, to get some space.

Spot on DOZER. Still smoking - apparently the fact that i have kicked him out of his home makes it too stressful to stop right now! the drinking also goes on and on. I truly believe that his alcoholism is by Far the biggest problem and has been for a number of years. The irony is that i work within a clinical addiction team so know what i am talking about. In rare moments of clarity he will admit to a problem but just doesn't follow through with actions to try and resolve it. Setting firmer boundaries is a good idea and will definitely follow through on that.
On the whole, today has been better - at least i haven't had to see him!! i have been at work which gives me another focus.

Glad you had a better day, take care.

Nadia this is a zombie thread! You need to begin a new thread of your own!!!!!!

With paras!

I'll wait for the film version of Nadia's epic paragraph-free post to be made.......