DH went to strip club last night. 3 dances. Am I stupid & naive to feel so sad about it?

[bail]

DH came in at 5am last night. I was relaxed about it as he only goes out infrequently (every couple of months) and I trust him (or should I say, I USED to trust him).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, after initially lying to me, I discovered he went to a very swish and expensive strip club in near Mayfair. He had three dances.

I am upset, I keep imagining gorgeous girls dancing for him, wearing next to nothing and then my DH handing over money to them for the pleasure.

What do others think about this?

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

I couldn't be with a man who thought women were there to be bought and sold.

It's disgusting, and then men who take part in it are scumbags.

He spent family money to abuse another women.

I'd be packing his bags.

[SalmeMurrikAgain]

I can understand why you are upset. We used to live in Edinburgh and for a period of time DH and I both worked in the dark satanic mills of the life insurance industry. DH's office was near loads of strip clubs/lap-dancing establishments and suchlike - in fact that set of streets was known locally as 'the Pubic Triangle' Quite a lot of DH's colleagues went to these clubs and saw it as a bit of harmless fun, but DH never took up their invitations, commenting that he found the whole idea of it a bit sleazy and discomfiting (he has seen strippers at club nights and stuff in his youth and didn't like it then, either).

In your shoes I think I would be explaining that this stuff upsets me and asking for his assurances that this will be a one-off.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

You are not stupid, nor are you naive. You are sad and probably disappointed, angry and confused. You have discovered a completely unknown and unwanted side to your DH. One that he tried to hide from you by lying. Which has made things worse.

I don't think you should "pack his bags", but I do think that you need to have a serious talk with him about how you feel and what he needs to do regain your trust and respect.

[BitOfFun]

I'm not surprised you're upset. I'd find it really offensive.

[moondog]

Christ.
How much does it cost each time?

[TheFeministsWife]

I agree with SheCutOffTheirTails this would be a deal breaker for me and I couldn't stay with him. He's cheating basically Oh you'll get people coming on and telling you not to be such a prude it's "only" a lapdance. But you are entitled to your feelings and they are very valid. It's up to you how you deal with it obviously, I hope you can over come this and feel better at some point. Just know that it is not a reflection of you at all, it says a lot more about your DH than it does about you. Especially because he lied about it.

[Happydogsaddog]

Its the fact that it was 3 dances, as if the 1st wasn't bad enough, he paid a further 2times.

[Fluffycloudland77]

No i'd be furious too, I did not take my vows to have him looking at naked women.

WTF??

What does he have to say for himself?

[inatrance]

I would be furious in your shoes, I don't know if I could forgive that YANBU.

[EweLoveIt]

I would be more upset at him lying, spending family money and the lack of respect for you.

[SpeedyGonzalez]

Wow. I am not surprised you're upset about it. What a moronically disrespectful thing to do.

THREE bloody dances. As if going to the place wasn't bad enough. That is disgusting.

What has he said for himself? Does he have any remorse? I also agree that this is cheating: cheating and treating women like a piece of meat.

Would he be happy to tell your children (do you have any daughters? would he tell them?) about this, either now or when they're older?

Poor you. I would not consider it unreasonable for you to ask him to leave for a few days as a way of showing how utterly disgraceful you think his behaviour is.

[tallwivglasses]

How refreshing that no-one has said 'get a grip, it's nothing, you're a prude, etc'
(so far)

I've seen some useful links in the past which look at the exploitation involved in this aspect of using women as commodities. Hopefully someone will find them? It might give you some ammunition if you think your relationship is worth the time and effort.

[SinicalSal]

Nope of course not your feelings are totally valid.

Course nowadays we're all supposed to see it s harmless fun, the women all choose it and are putting themselves through medschool and all this old empowerfulised nonsense. It's possible your DH has just gone long with the mainstream view, rather than being aware of all the issues. He should be bollocked. He should respect your feelings on this.

[Tortington]

you see heres the thing - i dont understand women who honestly truly and utterly believe that that would throw away a relationship, marriage, partnership, parenting of children, split finances divorce and all that entails becuasr their dh or dp went for a lap dance

now, if my dh went for a lap dance - i woudl damage everything he holds dear to him., not sleep with him for ages - well for a bit - when you need it you need it ifywim , be generally of the disgusted and not talking to him - making him think that the relationship is on the brink - maybe even counselling

but i wouldn't leave him cos he had a lap dance - i'd get mi best tut n dress on and tell him am off on a night out - with the friend - the slutty one - he hates and doesn't trust the most

[lookingfoxy]

Im pretty liberal (re porn etc) and I would definetly have a problem with this!!

[lookingfoxy]

Yeah, im more along curstardo's lines that the castrate him brigade!

[AlfalfaMum]

I'd be gutted, not least because I'd find it really fucking hard to love and respect a man who thinks it's okay to buy women's bodies.

[AlfalfaMum]

oh fuck, apostrophe catastrophe there

[BitOfFun]

I don't think that everybody is saying that it's a divorcing offence, more that he needs to realise quite how destructive he has been to their sense of trust, and her respect for him.

[southofthethames]

I would be very annoyed about that. I think it's different if it was, say, a stag do and he'd told you beforehand that "the guys want to take the groom to this kind of club, how would you feel about me going too", and you'd discussed it beforehand. Coming back late and not being honest about it at first is not good - there must be some underlying issue (even if that issue is just immaturity/laziness, or something deeper) as to why he won't come clean with the truth.

[aurynne]

How would your DH feel if it had been you the one paying 3 times in a row for a male stripper to dance for you?

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

I don't understand women who think that the trouble involved in divorce is a reason to stay in a relationship with a man who has revealed himself to be a worthless misogynist.

An affair I might attempt to forgive. Being the kind of person who thinks women's bodies are for sale isn't forgivable - it's just a fact. You can either live with someone who holds those views or you can make a life for yourself that doesn't involve compromising your views that women are full members of the human race.

If it turned out DH was prepared to buy a woman's sexual services, it would mean our entire relationship to this point was a sham. I would never knowingly have committed myself to a man who could do this.

[proudnscaryvirginmary]

I wouldn't end my marriage over this - no way.

BUT that's basing it on my dh. He is a lovely chap and we have a very close, happy marriage. So I would tell him how deeply upset I was and how let down I feel and say I would consider it a huge betrayal if it ever happened again. And don't get me wrong I would be devastated - I get what you mean about THREE dances.

What I'm say is, only you can decide based on the rest of your relationship and what he is like as a husband, father, man whether he can be forgiven and you can move on from this.

What is his general attitude to women and to sex?

[bail]

Ok just spoke with him. Stupidly mentioned that consensus on Mumsnet was that his behaviour was disgusting and some said pack my bags.

His response... Why don't you post to see if any of the mumsnet clan will take you in?

We have spoken about it, and although upset I believe him when he says he won't do again (except on a stag do). He is a loving good honest man, and his view is that men keep a great deal from their partners and wives.

My view is that it is better to be honest, discuss, argue even and come to an agreement about it. I do trust him completely. Despite this sordid little blip!

[Hassled]

He won't do it again except on a stag do. So he will do it again then, won't he? Why would a stag do make it OK if it's not OK otherwise?

Men don't keep a great deal from their partners and wives. Not nice men, anyway.