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Anyone had an affair and not regreted it?

(417 Posts)
kitty1 Fri 20-May-11 21:43:30

I had fling with someone and never have regretted it. It helped me realise that my marriage was well and truly over and i couldnt go back.
By the point i had this fling my ex h and i hadnt had not been having sex because he had some issues he coudnt/wouldnt deal with.

I read some where once that when a woman emabarks on affair she has mentally packed her bags and left the relationship , when a man does it its usually because he is bored and craves excitement.

Anyone here feel the same?

lookingfoxy Fri 20-May-11 21:45:24

Well we're probably going to get our arses kicked here kitty, but im pretty much in the same situation as you.

twostraightlines Fri 20-May-11 21:54:23

You both should have left your marriages, if they are that bad, before you embarked on your affairs. It is very weak and selfish to claim otherwise.

kitty1 Fri 20-May-11 22:01:09

lookingfoxy, yep i know, thats why i started this topic. Despite how common affairs are it seems that having sex outside a relationship no matter what lead to that, is akin to a serious crime imaginable. I discovered parts of my self that i had long forgotten existed, I may have never had the courage , the confidence or strength to get out with out that experience

insertfunnynicknamehere Fri 20-May-11 22:07:03

No one ever needs t have an affair. Leave the relationship you are in if you want to be with someone else. All you do is hurt others when you have an affair.

Caro1302 Fri 20-May-11 22:12:18

Same here. I had a year long affair in my first marriage and yes, mentally packed bags just about sums it up. I thought I might want to be with the man I had the affair with but I didn't and ended it. It gave me the confidence and strength to end the marriage about a year after the affair ended. I have unusual views on affairs in that I don't think it's necessarily the worst thing that someone can do- as Kitty says affairs are so common. I think sometimes we overlook the underlying reason why the affair took place.

TheOriginalFAB Fri 20-May-11 22:14:59

I had an emotional affair with an ex which went on for over 2 years. I totally regret the pain I caused my husband. I have also hurt myself a lot and still struggle but I don't regret it. I wish I could say I did.

twostraightlines Fri 20-May-11 22:31:28

Why don't you regret it? Are you still with your husband?

WhenwillIfeelnormal Fri 20-May-11 23:17:31

It's pretty tasteless starting a thread like this when there are live threads from posters whose lives have been wrecked by infidelity, but I think some of the observations here are naive, simplistic and self-delusional. It's absurd to divide infidelity along gender lines and the research just doesn't back it up any longer. Not all women who have affairs want to leave their marriages and not all men are just looking for some brief excitement.

Having an affair is a strange way of gaining "courage", but it is ultimately a selfish and cowardly act. And people who think that affairs are justified in some circumstances will retain their individual vulnerability to infidelity, regardless of the relationships they go on to form with others. What you are effectively saying is that if you become unhappy again, rather than being honest with a partner about ending a relationship, you might be unfaithful again. Infidelity doesn't happen just because a relationship is unhappy - there are all sorts of reasons, but it has more to do with the person practising it and making that choice, than any other factor.

tadpoles Fri 20-May-11 23:27:10

Oh come on WWIFN - a marriage is a rather absurd artificial union that in the past had pretty much nothing to do with 'being in love'. And even today - a marriage can be lots of things - but it does necessarily have anything to do with 'being in love' or even being faithful - sorry, but that is the way it is!

WhenwillIfeelnormal Fri 20-May-11 23:31:44

For you, evidently Tadpoles - but for me, marriage is not an absurd artificial union. So that's not the "way it is" and it's ridiculous to say so.

kitty1 Fri 20-May-11 23:37:49

I know there are live threads about infidelity, I thought id start a conversation about the issue from the other side. I dont think its a cowardly act, there are huge risks involved, but I agree it is selfish.
All relationship breakups are painful, and I dont want to make the same mistakes again.
Although i am questioning the ideal of life long monogamus relationships.

kitty1 Fri 20-May-11 23:39:35

TSL, no i am not still with my husband.

lookingfoxy Fri 20-May-11 23:42:17

Well I do feel weak and cowardly that I still haven't found the strength to properly finish my current relationship, we both know its finished, I just don't think either of us has the strength right now to go through the ending of it at the moment.
I have certainly left 'mentally'

WhenwillIfeelnormal Fri 20-May-11 23:51:26

I think it's sensible to question monogamy if it isn't for you - and to question it as the default option. But there's a difference between being ethically non-monogamous and pretending to be monogamous, deceiving another person and taking away their choices in life. That is indefensible in my view and I'd question why you or other posters don't regret being deceitful and telling lies. I think it is absolutely cowardly, because you are making a hidden choice when you are having an affair and are therefore failing to own those choices.

And I still think it's tasteless to start a thread with such a glibly-worded OP, when there are posters reading this who are enduring physical pain and the worst kind of mental anguish, after their recent discoveries.

bleedingstill Sat 21-May-11 00:51:00

No, but it seems a perfectly reasonable topic for discussion.
In fact it is very interesting to hear all viewpoints. Mumsnet gets a bit one sided sometimes.

wileycoyote Sat 21-May-11 01:02:01

Yes, I've been in a relationship with a married man and I don't regret it. I loved him and he loved me and his wife appeared to tacitly accept it by turning a blind eye.

maundymoney Sat 21-May-11 01:57:50

Crikey! All affairs give heartbreak and torture to someone!!!

caramelwaffle Sat 21-May-11 05:01:36

"Add message | Report | Message poster  WhenwillIfeelnormal Fri 20-May-11 23:51:26
I think it's sensible to question monogamy if it isn't for you - and to question it as the default option. But there's a difference between being ethically non-monogamous and pretending to be monogamous, deceiving another person and taking away their choices in life."

What WWIFN said ^ (my italics)

MissGreenEyes Sat 21-May-11 10:08:03

I did, although ex and I were over and I had been asking him to move out for MONTHS! He was aggressive, abusive and a heavy drinker and spending most of the family income on his habits. Not sure it was an affair strictly speaking as I had quite clearly many many times told ex it was over.

Someone showed some interest in me and I am afraid I went for it. It brought things to a head quickly and ex H finally went kicking and screaming all the way.

I don't regret it really, it was my route out of a horrific situation. My only regret is the OM turned out to be a complete tool as well with Red Flags, the size of table cloths flapping around all of his own.

justforthisonepost Sat 21-May-11 10:17:08

Me.

(name change)

Ex and me had been over for years. Literally.

Didn't sleep in the same bed, or even be in the same room together. We never even spoke to each other. He was emotionally and physically and verbally abusive.

A friend made it clear he was interested in me. I got drunk at a works do and stayed the night. We had an affair for about 6 weeks and then me and my husband split up.

Then me and the affairee split up. I think I had used him to get some affection, some care, some validation that it wasn't normal to be treated the way I was.

I am not proud of it - what I did was a terrible thing.

Three years down the line, and after both seeing other people, me and affairee are back together and happy. He is the man for me, he is my soulmate, he is my one and only.

kitty1 Sat 21-May-11 11:42:39

yeah , my situation was pretty similar to Missgreeneyes, and Juststforone post.
My self esteem was at all time low partly as result of a difficult , emotionally distant relationship , years of being ignored. SO yes I responded to attention. I had told my H that i thought the marriage was over before anything ever happened with the affair. In the end i had to physically move him out of the house because he just wouldnt go.

I am now involved in an ethical non monogamus relationship(though funnily enought im not seeing anyone else). Ive learnt how important open communication is and that should never take the other for granted.

chubsasaurus Sat 21-May-11 11:57:31

I was the OW. DP left his XW. I have never felt guilty neither as he - she was fine and was with someone else (who she was already having an EA if not a full on affair with) within days weeks. In an ideal world DP would have ended his long-over marriage before hand but life isn't always that simple and he ended it after about 3 weeks. We couldnt be happier, she's fine.

strawberryjelly Sat 21-May-11 17:08:05

I don't think it is tasteless to start this thread. If anyone thinks that, then the assumption is that this forum is simply for women whose partners have been unfaithful- and need support- and anyone who dares to talk about the other side is somehow out of order. Not so.

Interestingly, in the Sunday Times last week there was a feature (I didn't read it but someone has told me about it) which actually reinforces the gender stereotypes - through scientific research on brain waves- about women's and men's emotions and sex. The research based on MRI scans showed that women's emotions were much more engaged during sex than men's.

That aside, I think it is perfectly acceptable to broach this issue here.
Affairs happen for a reason. Yes, they do sometimes give women- or men- the final push to leave a relationship. It is generalising to say that anyone should regret an affair. Why should they? It may be that a woman or man has been in an abusive or emotionally dead marriage for years but lacked the courage to leave. No one is perfect- not everyone can leave before they begin something else.

I actually think it is better not to have regrets about anything, as regret is often a destructive. There are always consequences to any action ( for every action there is a reaction- basic physics)- but that is not the same as regret.

I also think that an affair is not necessarily the deal breaker or worst thing a human being can do to another. Think of violence, gambling, debt, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, emotional and sexual abuse within a marriage or perpetrated by a partner- surely these are worse than having sex with another person?

There are also women who have affairs because their man is useless at sex, or they have mis matched libidos, but who stay put for the sake of young children. If they are discreet, never found out and loyal in other ways- is that such a bad thing?

deburca Sat 21-May-11 19:07:20

Guys, my first husband had an affair and strange as it may sound I dont think having an affair is the worst thing in the world either. what it did for me was clarify - not when i first found out about it - eventually that my marriage was making me unhappy and that we shouldnt be together.

I dont agree whenwillifeelnormal that it is an insensitive post - this forum is for people of all opinions and everyone has a right to voice theirs. as a previous poster mentioned not all affairs end up causing hurt. I appreciated wwifn that you may (i dont know for sure) have been invovled with someone who had an affair and that it has hurt you greatly - but I dont think that you can speak for everyone and call another person selfish etc. Some affairs do work and people do stay together. I was very hurt when I found out about my husband and the ow but do you know what, I got on with things, if he didnt want to be with me fair enough - its life - it happens, no one has the right to be anyones moral judge in my opinion. Can I ask does anyone else think mumsnet has been getting a tad bully-ish of late - especially with topics like these? its starting to put me right off

anyway thats my 2 cents worth

x
deb

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