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Illicit Encounters - your thoughts?

(84 Posts)
MumtoMilo Thu 06-Jan-11 10:10:10

Hi all, yesterday morning I caught a few minutes of "this morning" and they were talking to the woman who runs this dating/marriage destroying website and a woman who was using it to cheat. Afterwards while baby was sleeping I thought I would take a look and see what all the fuss was about, I signed up so I could have a good old nose to see if anyone I knew was using it. Couldn't find anyone I knew but found plenty of people local to me were using it.

What really shocked me though was the amount of men who contacted me, I must have had about 25 emails when I went back to close my account later that day. I never for a second intended on using it to meet with anyone but I was so shocked to find so many people willing to stray.

Surely there's enough problems in people's lives that they shouldn't have to worry that their man is advertising themselves up for affairs. Last night I really felt sick to my stomach at all the women oblivious to this other side of their man, how can these websites exist it's just so wrong!

StuffingGoldBrass Thu 06-Jan-11 10:13:30

Yawn. NOt everyone is monogamous. Not everyone behaves ethically about their desire to escape the monogamy cult.
However, women 'cheat' just as much as men do. If you are a raving monogamist, the best thing to do is find another one to marry, rather than attempting to enforce monogamy on someone who;s not that into it.

blinder Thu 06-Jan-11 10:16:27

Well if those men (and some women) aren't into monogamy they probably shouldn't get married. Not the fault of the person they lied to!

alexsdad Thu 06-Jan-11 10:21:30

Good job you're not a bloke. According to many on here, merely looking at porn, let alone actually signing up for a dating site are grounds for divorce, physical removal from the household and restraining orders being issued. Seeing as how there is no way a man could be doing such a thing just to 'take a look to see what all the fuss is about'.

Not meaning to make a point about the OP - but the hysteria which sometimes seems to erupt when people people find their (male) partners have even thought about such things is often rather OTT (in my opinion).

Dons flameproof jacket and hides.

prh47bridge Thu 06-Jan-11 10:25:40

What about all the men who are oblivious to this side of their woman? It cuts both ways.

Without defending this site, I would make the point that many of the people who use it are in fact singles (usually divorced or separated) looking to avoid commitment. Of course, there are also a lot of married people claiming to be single on singles sites.

beingsetup Thu 06-Jan-11 10:30:34

ermm which site is it?

MumtoMilo Thu 06-Jan-11 10:31:14

Fair enough, I'm not for a second thinking that we live in a world filled with sunshine and bunnies and everyone loves one another, I'm merely saying how bad it is that they make it so accessible for "people" to cheat, I'm not saying there's not people like me having a nose but there's plenty on there taking it deadly serious, using the fact that they work away a lot as an opportunity for no-strings sex, nope not everyone is into monogamy but I am.

If you think cheating is perfectly acceptable then thats fine I'm not here to cause arguments just raise a conversation.

MumtoMilo Thu 06-Jan-11 10:32:06

beingsetup - illicit encounters

MrGrumpy Thu 06-Jan-11 10:35:56

I have to say alexsdad, I'm in total agreement with you.

The (sometimes) hysterical 'lynch him' reactions from some here put me off posting for a long time.

Yes, there are plenty of men who cheat, similarly there are plenty of women who do likewise, it's wrong on both sides.

thell Thu 06-Jan-11 10:37:38

MumtoMilo, I think you're right - it's horrible.

I'm much more open minded about 'open relationships' and couples that contain more people etc, if that's what everyone involved really wants.
But to enable people to lie to their unsuspecting partners is pretty horrible.

Curiositykilledhaskittens Thu 06-Jan-11 10:42:22

Cheating in itself is not acceptable hmm

Cheating is cheating isn't it? Whether you believe in monogamy, have a monogamous relationship or not...

Can see the OP's point. Some people believe in and want monogamy, some people believe in monogamy but it isn't what they'd ideally like and some people just don't believe in or want monogamy at all. The OP's point is nothing to do with those choices people make in their honest relationships, it is about enabling spousal abuse which is really what enabling married people to have SECRET extra marital sex is. It might happen fairly frequently but that doesn't mean it is right.

blinder Thu 06-Jan-11 10:46:06

Those men are probably cheating already. The website is simply another avenue to meet women.

But I wonder if in some ways at least it's up front with the other woman who isn't being deceived about his relationship status.

Doesn't excuse the infidelity however.

Alexdad this thread isn't about porn. Got a one track mind much wink?

Gay40 Thu 06-Jan-11 10:49:10

People have always cheated (some people). A website won't make any difference. If you are going to cheat, you will. The only thing that enables a person to lie is their own mind.
Also, registering to see what it is all about? Aye...riiiiiiiiiiiiight....

Curiositykilledhaskittens Thu 06-Jan-11 10:52:35

My personal problem, and I suspect the OP's (projecting?), is that just because some people cheat does not mean you have to set up a website to help them do it. I find the idea of it morally distasteful and the operator/creator morally distasteful too. In a similar way to how people are often told not to meddle in other people's infidelities...

Gay40 Thu 06-Jan-11 10:57:30

We should close down pubs, clubs and workplaces too, because people may meet other people there and have an affair.

tadpoles Thu 06-Jan-11 11:03:52

A friend of mine (then separated, now divorced) registered as she wanted to dip her toe in the dating water again and was considering dating someone in a similar situation (eg: separated or maybe in an open relationship). After a fairly miserable monogamous marriage, she was not necessarily interested in a particularly conventional set-up.

Anyway she was literally INUNDATED with replies. At first, she found it quite flattering. But after a bit, she started to find it more and more depressing. Eventually, she realised it was all about male ego massaging. None of the men were remotely interested in her, they just wanted some no-strings sex on the side. She is attractive but if she had described herself as a model with a voracious sexual appetite who made no other demands she probably would have received over a million replies!!

Those sort of sites peddle an illusion - eg: that you can have some sort of fantasy (sex) life away from the humdrum of marriage.

batman47555 Thu 06-Jan-11 11:08:24

having used sites like this myself
there are lot or members but sometimes not a lot comes of it, too many timewasters, or criteria freaks!

Curiositykilledhaskittens Thu 06-Jan-11 11:10:16

<<prepares to head of down to illicit encounters for an innocent drink and to socialise with friends, maybe watch a band, have a dance etc, wonders if they serve real ale>>


Yes, it is completely the same thing as a pub or club(!)

Also, I never said it should be closed down. I was asked to provide a moral judgement, if my moral judgement has that amount of power and significance I am very surprised!

Malificence Thu 06-Jan-11 11:15:53

It's advocating deceit/betrayal/lying/whatever you want to call it, which is pretty much the worst thing that one person can do to another within a relationship, bar violence, obviously.
That's why it's vile.

Gay40 Thu 06-Jan-11 11:16:10

It is the same thing. People who want to have sex outside of their marriage find a way. Always have and always will.

As we all know, many people are completely oblivious to their partner's shenanigans. A website won't impact at all, unless they are looking.

Malificence Thu 06-Jan-11 11:18:08

Why make it so easy for the shitbags though Gay? It also reinforces their belief in their right to cheat, surely?

Gay40 Thu 06-Jan-11 11:20:45

I don't think it is making it easy. In terms of effort, it's quicker and easier to go into own and meet someone.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar Thu 06-Jan-11 11:23:26

I do think that if you're a cheating whatsit, you'll find a way regardless of websites like this. What leaves a bad taste in my mouth is the cynical cashing in on deceit. That makes me a bit sick in my mouth.

Curiositykilledhaskittens Thu 06-Jan-11 11:26:13

I'm not saying the website will impact at all, I completely agree that it is entirely unnecessary where cheating is concerned and I am not talking about it corrupting people in any way. What I mean is that the morality of setting up a website designed to deliberately facilitate someone being able to cheat (not conduct an open relationship or have honest no strings sex etc) and therefore sexually abuse their partner who is being denied knowledge of this is pretty awful. The morality of the act of setting up a website like this.

The comparison of the website to a pub or club is meaningless and is rather like comparing a home to a brothel.

singingcat Thu 06-Jan-11 11:27:52

I don't really care.

If someone's going to cheat they don't need a website

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