Illicit Encounters - your thoughts?

[MumtoMilo]

Hi all, yesterday morning I caught a few minutes of "this morning" and they were talking to the woman who runs this dating/marriage destroying website and a woman who was using it to cheat. Afterwards while baby was sleeping I thought I would take a look and see what all the fuss was about, I signed up so I could have a good old nose to see if anyone I knew was using it. Couldn't find anyone I knew but found plenty of people local to me were using it.

What really shocked me though was the amount of men who contacted me, I must have had about 25 emails when I went back to close my account later that day. I never for a second intended on using it to meet with anyone but I was so shocked to find so many people willing to stray.

Surely there's enough problems in people's lives that they shouldn't have to worry that their man is advertising themselves up for affairs. Last night I really felt sick to my stomach at all the women oblivious to this other side of their man, how can these websites exist it's just so wrong! :(

The good thing about websites like this is ath people who use them are generally clear-eyed about wanting a little discreet casual sex rather than anything more. Mess and fall out occurs when people have extramarital affairs with people who decide they are In Love and therefore can't keep their mouths shut.

A discreet shag on the side is often the best solution all round for a couple where there is a major libido mismatch and the low-libido partner is not prepared to make any effort to compromise, but where ending the relationship would mess up several people's lives.

I've used this site in order to have a fling with someone who wants no more than that. It's honest for the people using it, everyone is aware of the boundaries, and I have found the people that I've 'met' there have been extremely honest about their situations.

People don't need a website to cheat. They can just as easily find someone down their local if that's what they want

Divorce would ruin lives but secret infidelity wouldn't? I don't agree. Not at all. Having a high libido is not a reason to put someone's health at risk. It is the secrecy not the sex and the arrogant presumption that one partner has the right to decide for the other partner what is best for them. No problem with it if it is agreed, only with the secret.

So the people sneaking around on sites like that are to be commended for being sensible and what, protecting their families?
Jolly good.

No one, No one, I don't care what the situation at home, has the right to lie and betray their partner - it is never justified, never.

A discreet shag on the side?
How did you get such a fucked up view of relationships?

And I would be the spouse in our marriage who is more likely to stray... Much, much more likely. More likely to do it secretly and hurtfully too - I'm not a prude by any stretch but it isn't fair to exchange bodily fluids with someone else in secret. Don't buy the "poor me, I am just not satisfied" line either. What bullshit, having a sexual "need" does not entitle you to abuse someone else's trust and put their health and feelings at risk.

Are some of you seriously suggesting that the married men and women using this site are being honest, please dont make me laugh. They maybe many things but honest is not one of them, if they want to be honest then they need to tell their spouse that they are not happy and work on their relationship or end their marriage and give their partner the chance to find someone that is honest and prepared to consider their feelings rather then worrying about the fact they are unhappy or not sexualy satisfied.

Look, the OP is a new poster who is obviously trying to advertise this ghastly business. This thread is on repeat every 6 months or so when the owners of the firm want to re-advertise for free.

You'd have to completely disengage your brain if you thought that a woman only had to watch shit daytime telly to register on that site, get a load of offers and then decided to join Mumsnet to tell us all about it . Don't fall for it and don't feed it, unless you want a bunfight with the same old deceit apologists and to attract new punters to the site mentioned.

There are circumstances when a discreet no-srings affair is the best solution. FOr instance, if your partner is severely, longterm, mentally or physically unwell, sometimes a discreet affair, occasional stretches of time for yourself that are about being a human being and taking pleasure rather than the endless grind of being a carer - well, sometimes that's the only thing that keeps you going.

I registered once. I'd found out DH had been having an affair, and after a year of counselling etc. I was still miserable, so gave up and thought 'well if he can do it, so can I.'...but got cold feet.

Any woman with a half-way decent profile, will will inundated with offers the minute she puts something up. It was like a stampede at a cattle market. The men have to pay, I think, so they are all desperate for you to give out your number (don't want the wife finding the credit card bill). They can be quite pushy - it's no place for romance!

Apparently there are a lot of prostitutes on there too, so if you are 'genuine' you will be very valued.

Anyway, I had some nice email chats with a couple of guys before I pulled my profile. I think you are either morally OK with them lying and cheating on their partners and being involved in that or you aren't, and ultimately I wasn't. So I have to say, the site doesn't really make a difference - people who don't want to cheat, won't go there.

That's the most insulting and disgusting thing I've ever seen you write SGB.

A no strings affair while your partner is ill/disabled/dying? - what kind of disgusting human being would you have to be to comtemplate that ?

I hate this site and the users.

My Ex-H had THREE affairs by using this site. He paid a monthly fee, so effectively paid for sex (in my very strong opinion).

People on the site talk about how they want to be 'HONEST' - what a load of rubbish. Anyone on the site that is married is being totally dishonest and deceitful.

Ex-H went on there because I wasn't giving him enough attention (my Dad was ill) and he felt un-loved.

Subsequently we have separated, Ex-H has suffered from depression, all in all his family life has been totally wrecked at his own hands.

Anyone else on there deserves the same fate. If you're unhappy at home, you OWE it to your partner to talk about it - not fuck strangers.

Malificence: Do you not get that being sole carer to a very sick person is not necessarily very rewarding? it can be a real hard grind (particularly if the relationship prior to the partner's illness/incapacity wasn't great) and the only thing that keeps the carer sane is having some time for him/herself - this is the sort of occasion when a discreet affair may well be just what's needed.

Of course it's a real hard grind, we supported my FIL for the 3+ years it took my MIL to die a degrading and drawn out death, perhaps we should have hired my FIL a whore once a week to make the whole thing more bearable instead of DH taking him to his car club meetings for some time out?

Do you not get that when you marry someone, you promise to love, honour and cherish, not to go off and fuck someone else when the going gets tough.

Do you think that everyone is so selfish to think that their sexual needs should be met no matter what, no matter who else gets hurt?
Decent , caring people don't think that way at all, ever.

Nope, I don't think any one solution works for everyone. Monogamy certainly doesn't.
ANd while you were supporting your PIL you were not doing it alone and you were not doing it full time: you and your H got time off and time to spend with each other.

The whole point of a discreet bit on the side is that no one gets hurt.

So being discreet makes scabby, paid for sex OK?? How??

Is it any less OK than expecting a partner to live entirely without sex just because you don't want to have sex ever again? Of course sex is not important to everyone, but if it's not important to you and you're not very interested in it, why would it bother you if your partner wants to do it with someone else?

Personally speaking, my Ex-H and I were regularly having sex, so in my case your argument does not hold water.

I think that until you have been on the receiving end of such coniving and hateful behaviour, you cannot fully appreciate the horrendous impact on a relationship (married or not).

And with regards to "Is it any less OK than expecting a partner to live entirely without sex just because you don't want to have sex ever again?" - the person that wants/needs to have sex in such a relationship, should go ahead - just as soon as they've discussed their feelings and needs rationally with their partner, and have agreed a way forward (counselling, separation, divorce, whatever it takes). But NEVER EVER use a vile internet site that promotes adultery, and actively participates in the breakdown of families.

Aye, MumtoMilo ought to change her username to SpamelaSpamderson.

These feckers always use this sort of tactic to attract attention and discussio.. ooops!

I realise that this might be stupid question (given the name of the site)but, is this site actually promoting sex between married people?

I don't want to visit the site if others already have as that just increases their internet hits and will encourage the spamming approach and will (in the mind of the website owners) provide validation for their sordid venture.

If so then I can see the reason for the discontent but as others have said people who are set on cheating probably don't need a website in order to be able to hook up after all affairs have been going on since well before the intenet was invented.

I guess I am getting on a bit, but I have registered, watched, nd unregistered with these sites, they are an abolute scream! For men, almost all robots or shills. And DW knows, has watched. If I want an "Illicit Encounter" all I have to do is leave the house! And I am by no means, Don Juan. Not by any means you could imagine. I would suggest, if such things are a concern, you should, perhaps, wonder, whether the SO is a buddy, or a trophy... Since this is about parenting, yes, I did earn enough to educate DD and DS privately, rather nicely, but when I met wifey, neither of us had either notion nor expectation this would happen. I simply fall about laughing, feel like calling 999, when I hear of broken marriages due to porn, and other uninformed, trivial insecurities. You won it, probably by means of deception, it's there to lose, only, now, for you.

This year, is, by the way, our 25th. I look forward to greeting you all on our 50th. DW is out tonight, with her mates. Probably, in all probability, chatting up gentlemen, lewd propositions being something of the order of the day, for those, rather naughty, girls!

It might be of interest that she has rather lovely blue eyes, so does my son. Mine, alas, are brown...

"But women cheat even more than men" exclaim men rushing onto a site primarily populated by women to defend infidelity website.

Being somewhat elaborately educated myself, I have had the good fortune to encounter, in my early years, young ladies for whom such considerations were ephemeral. Our first party, was formative. Although not, at this early stage in our relationship, permitted to participate, it was, quite unignorable, that the ladies were involved in some kind of round-robin arrangement, the gentlemen having been both invited, and, when seen to be present in insufficient number, acquired from a nearby hostelry. The activity noticeable, since, apparently, privacy neither needed nor lack of it required for play.