36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

[theotherfossilsister]

Hello, no useful advice but handhold. I think your partner sounds scared and maybe controlling but it's hard to understand how you're feeling from outside.

Could you have the baby and bring him or her up on your own?

[TheCanyon]

You want the baby yes? You're just swayed because of your partner. Honestly at 35 I would have to go for it, even if that was alone.

[Rollingpiglet]

From what you have said, you already have your doubts about the relationship, so it doesn't sound that hopeful that it will go the distance. I would be thinking about whether you want the baby, based on the idea that you will be bringing it up alone.

[Firegirl35]

Hi, thanks for the hand hold much needed.
If I had the baby on my own I think I would struggle financially just my income, although he would by law have to pay child maintenance? Which makes me feel kinda shit as why should he pay for something he doesn’t want. Now he knows I didn’t take the pill when I was ill he’s blaming me for not stopping him and said he wouldn’t have come anywhere near me had he known. I guess I just missed the closeness and intimacy.
Practically, I have lived in the area for a couple years but don’t really know anyone, I’m guessing I would once I join baby groups etc, and I would also hope that my parents would move down to support me at least initially. I know my dad is very bored now he’s retired LOL. We’ve spoken of them moving down in past but it would take a couple years for them to sort out their ties up north. In meantime I wouldn’t mind them living with me.
My work could be supportive, I confided in my manager who was worried about me and asked him what would I do if I was single and back to work after a year as I do day and night shifts, and generally you only have babysitters in the day? He told me not to even think about that now (maybe they would be flexible given my situation), but I did think that could be a reason to ask my parents to move down. My OH is self employed and can work fairly flexible hours, I think he would in the end support me as much as he could with child care (especially if it meant he wouldn’t be paying out maintenance). But I do think he thinks we’re doomed if we go ahead

[Firegirl35]

@TheCanyon yes I do want it... I told him had he been even mildly happy there would be no question as to if I was keeping it. He was stunned and said You’d risk having a baby with someone you’ve only known 5 months? And I said yes I would, I know what it’s like to have a termination.

When I’ve said stuff like that he’s told me I need to get my head together or be strong. That as hard as it might be, having a kid would be a hell of a lot harder.

For him, obviously...

[MzHz]

If you have a kid with this bloke, you’ll be stuck with him and his kids with the ex, and the ex forever. He sounds really crap as a man and in this short space of time you’ve seen he’s not at all very nice.

My advice would be to get yourself out of this mess with him completely

I had my son at 38. You’ve got time fgs don’t settle for a bloke like this

Anything is better than that.

[Firegirl35]

@Rollingpiglet you may be right...
and also do I want him involved in anyway together or apart in raising it. He’s got a great family who are local who I think would be very shocked but supportive when it comes to it (though he’s told me his mum would go mental). I think he’s using some manipulative tactics on me

[ArchbishopOfBanterbury]

I think it sounds like you want to go ahead. If your relationship wouldn't stand through it, would single parenthood be an option for you?

[Firegirl35]

@MzHz wow I really appreciate your honesty Thankyou. You think he’s a waste of space? Of course I’m telling you all the bad lol. This is why these forums are so good. How old were you when you met your sons father?

[StoopDragon]

Go with your gut feeling and at 35 remember you are already termed geriatric in childbearing years left ahead. Practical thinking tells me he couldn't juggle his other kids part time and this one to a kid maintenance so you will get financial support if you split. You have your own home. If money is tight you may need to take a lodger don't be scared. Keep the baby try to make the relationship work but recognise that if it doesn't you will be ok

[Aquamarine1029]

I think your relationship is doomed either way, honestly, so the only thing you have to decide is if you want to keep the baby.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Dump him, have the baby, don't put him on the birth certificate.

[zafferana]

Your DP doesn't sound like much of a catch tbh OP. He's a lazy dad to the two kids he has with his ex and he only has them half the time so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. Do you really want that for yourself? I can see your dilemma, I really can, and at 35 you're right to think that this might be your only chance to have a baby, but I'm worried about your precarious financial situation. When you say your parents would support you, would they help you out financially? Can you afford to do up your new place and support yourself and a DC on your salary? I wouldn't judge you at all for going ahead, but I think that given you really want this baby, you need to figure out how you can afford it on your own, because from what you've said about your DP I don't see him a) sticking around or b) helping you out financially. So if you do this I think you have to be self-sufficient and know you can manage on your own. Look into what benefits you will be able to claim and sound out what sort of support your parents will be able to provide.

Benfits calculator: www.entitledto.co.uk/

[bearfood]

The way you've worked out that you could tell your parents the baby's sex on a certain date says to me you've already made the decision in your heart.

[Rollingpiglet]

That is something else to consider. You won't be able to control how he reacts to continuing the pregnancy. You can't make him be involved if he doesn't want to, and you can't stop him if he does want to be involved, or at least, you probably could but it would be very unfair to him and the baby.

[Firegirl35]

@archbishopofbanterbury It’s really hard to know whether I would cope or not as a single mum, I guess I would have to. An advantage would be that I would be making the decisions regarding that child and parenting how I see fit, but then actually if he has them half the time/weekends I have no control over that. I know now after living with him 5 months what kind of father he is...
We were very active in summer, going out for bike rides, ice cream etc, but that effort all stopped with November lock down and since... He’s never hit his kids and doesn’t tend to shout at them to discipline but he used to shout as his son when he was younger and regrets it now. He can get quite stress/impatient and sort of shouts at himself (like shouting Oh for fcuk sake!! when he opens a cupboard door and things fall out. Other common phrases include “I’m going to lose my tits in a minute” and “I’m going to get the raging arsehole”.) I think he could put more effort into his kids, eg talking more... his DS has been assessed as being dyslexic and he should be reading with us every night to improve his confidence and ability, but OH rarely does this. He went through a phase where he did but it was short lived. He just let’s his DS spend hours on the DS in his room. He does all the grocery shopping and cooking for the family, mainly proper meals like stews, curries etc with some convenience thrown in like pizza. I’m jokingly not “allowed” to do the cooking as I’m a bad cook but I think he just likes control of the kitchen. I was a vegetarian when he met me and now I’m a meat eater for ease. I know. He can be tight with money- eg even though he has 10k in his current account we shop at Lidl/Aldi and he’d always look at restaurants that have offers on or deals elsewhere.. yet he’s got the kids everything they want for Xmas and more and is thoughtful in his presents. He struggled when he first had them and became depressed- I’m talking very depressed, he didn’t work for a while and had to change his job and go self employed. He’s said he’s still got things to work on before he wants to be a dad again. I think he might be telling me what i want to hear to persuade me to have a termination, and I told him I wasn’t sure but he said he wouldn’t lie about anything so serious and important. He’s very loyal and extremely honest. I don’t even know if any of this is relevant I’m just sounding off

[Firegirl35]

@StoopDragon I hadn’t even considered having a lodger with a child in the house! I guess I could though from toddler sort of age? That would help financially. I’d have to trust them obviously. But there’s room for it ( not parents too by that stage. Love how I’ve already moved them in lol)

[Firegirl35]

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam that would mean I wouldn’t be entitled to any child support though wouldn’t it? I’m not sure...
If I told him I’m keeping it and he protests I could always say you don’t have to be involved they don’t even have to know you’re the dad. That sounds So harsh

[Firegirl35]

@zafferana Thankyou maybe you’re right about him not helping financially, my parents would never see either me or their grandson struggle and my dad has already helped me out a lot in the past, including getting the house. I wouldn’t want to rely on them too much as that’s not fair, I’ll look at that link you sent Thankyou.

Before finding out I intended to get a second job so that I could afford to do some things to house- new flooring throughout, sofa and new kitchen. I could have eyes second job due to the shift patterns of the fire service, but now I’ll be taken off the run and put in an office for mon-fri 9-5, so I’ll not have the opportunity. I could just get cheaper sofas and wait for everything else. I’m sure my parents would help with large costs like nursery and pram.

[AKissAndASmile]

If you abort this baby you'll probably resent him in time so your relationship is doomed. It doesn't sound like he will ever want another child either. So my advice is either keep the baby in the knowledge you're going to be a single parent, or have the abortion and leave him so you can find someone to have a family with. You really dont have time to waste at 35. Your relationship with this guy is over. And he doesn't sound like a good catch.

[Blacktothepink]

He sounds a right arsehole, think very carefully about this. He already has the other 2 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance.

[Firegirl35]

@bearfood exactly that

But I’ve also not been taking folic acid, I started, then I stopped now wish I hadn’t. The GP prescribed me 5mg and I’ve since found out it should be 400mg plus?! So I’m worried there could be damage from me not taking it, my nutrition ever since has been bad too as I’m so sick

[Ginfizplease]

You need to get out of this relationship. I rarely comment on threads like these, but I had to on this one.

5 months is nothing at all. If I think back to what I was doing in July it feels like just a few weeks ago! As hard as it is, separate your desire to keep the baby from your relationship with him. I don't think you should bring a child into this relationship. But I do think you can (and should) do it alone.

You aren't too young to start again. But, also, don't count on your fertility. You may fall pregnant easily now but may meet someone who has fertility issues/an older man who's had a vasectomy. Don't stick with this man because it's easier. Rip the plaster off and go an enjoy your life - with or without a baby.

[ShalomToYouJackie]

You want the baby, that's enough reason to not have an abortion.

Your only reasoning for having one are what he wants. Don't let anyone else decide what happens to your body.


Your relationship doesn't sound like it will last anyway (sorry) so if it were me I'd keep the baby and ditch the man child. He doesn't sound like someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with if this is how he is after less than half a year together.

he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids!

[Firegirl35]

@AKissAndASmile I think you’re probably right.

I think in an ideal scenario by age 35 I would be married and bringing much wanted kids into the world, but I’ve never seemed to follow the norm and been like all my school friends etc... so being a single mum would fit into that unconventionality.. The alternative like you say dump him as soon as I move out, and move on. Modern dating SUCKS though and especially with covid I feel like my chances are slim.
Before we got together I had even looked into co parenting (with a gay man for example), and fostering. For the latter I might need to leave my job if I was single due to the hours I work