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Does anyone else have a favorite child?

(36 Posts)
SMarie123 Tue 02-Apr-19 21:56:54

I am ashamed to say this... but I really do have a favorite child.

I have 2 sons and the oldest (3) is a real struggle for me and has been from day one. He is so intense and determined and he really overwhelms me. My dh is blessed with patience and really does a lot more of the hard graft. They have a great bond.

I really enjoy my second son (18 months), I feel like I understand him perfectly and I am 100% the most qualified to care for him in any situation.

I try really hard to disguise my feelings. For example I always take my older son shopping, just the 2 of us, and allow him to scan the shop. I organize lots of play dates but I feel like I am really trying to force a bond I just can't make.

My own mother was cruelly unfair to my older sister and I really thought I could be a bigger person. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

moita Wed 03-Apr-19 00:59:16

Sad to say yes I do. My son is very hard work but we have an incredible bond. He is very like me in personality in some ways and has traits I wish I had (bags of confidence). I had a dream birth with him and really did fall instantly in love with him.

I had a very scary pregnancy and birth with my DD and she was taken to NICU. I had PND with her and although we have bonded I find I have to make more of an effort with her.

I do feel so sad and guilty but am hoping this is just a phase?

motherofdxughters Wed 03-Apr-19 01:05:11

My favourite changes depending on the day. They're both so incredibly different right now and I'm talking polar opposites in everything except general behaviour which is good. I find myself drawn more to my youngest as we're quite similar but I just adore how my eldest can bring me out of my shell so for different reasons, they both have their favourite duty times depending on their age, the day, my mood etc.

StormcloakNord Wed 03-Apr-19 01:06:48

I wonder if this will happen to me. I had severe PND with DD. I love her more than anything now but it really took a while to get there.

Were TTC 2nd and if it all goes smoothly they might be the new fave grin

colehawlins Wed 03-Apr-19 01:07:26

You should probably seek therapeutic input now rather than wait until the patterns are set.

SMarie123 Wed 03-Apr-19 07:26:49

I did have post traumatic anxiety with my first son and found maternity really very lonely. I went back to work pregnant, which was exhausting then a new baby and a 19 month old wasn't much fun. I hope my general anxiety has not affected my judgement of him. Somehow I feel totally different towards ds2. I put it down to him but maybe it is me

colehawlins Wed 03-Apr-19 08:27:40

* Somehow I feel totally different towards ds2. I put it down to him but maybe it is me*

Honestly? There is absolutely nothing a pre-schooler could do, or present with, or behave like, which would make them less in need of - or deserving of - whole-hearted love from his or her mother.

Most mothers do feel passionately in love with their babies and toddlers, irrespective of how challenging (or ill or disabled) they are.

Rationalising your feelings is completely normal.

PTSD or PNS having this effect makes total sense.

This is not your fault.

But I think you need some outside help to correct this before it solidifies into a dysfunctional family dynamic thanks

colehawlins Wed 03-Apr-19 08:32:45

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rZmb7SCreBk&t=275s

Meshpregnancy Wed 03-Apr-19 08:34:18

It may change as they age.

My first was a dream baby, I had such a fun maternity leave and I felt nothing but positive about parenthood. My second was a fractious baby and toddler while her sibling remained sunny and sweet. Also i found two under two a nightmare and hated maternity leave. Has you asked me back then I would have had to admit number 1 was my favourite.

Now number two is an amazing, funny, smart, kind and passionate child and I adore her. I love all my kids unconditionally but number two is something really exceptional. So my feelings have really changed.

TeddyIsaHe Wed 03-Apr-19 08:36:25

Absolutely, but I only have one.

I will say that no matter how hard you try to hide it your children will know as they get older. I certainly did with my parents and it left me with a massive resentment towards them. Seeking help now would benefit both your children.

crimsonlake Wed 03-Apr-19 08:52:21

I have 2 children and they are both my favourites... my favourite youngest son and my favourite oldest son. This is what I tell them when they ask who is the favourite, they are both grown up now.

RobertSmithdoesmyhair Wed 03-Apr-19 08:56:35

I love my 2 oldest teens to bits. They are kind, caring, funny and good company. My youngest, however, is nothing like any of us and i don't really like him very much..sad

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 03-Apr-19 08:59:46

Oh god this thread is scary. Those poor babies. 'Oh but I don't show it' - yes you do,

NoNewsisGood Wed 03-Apr-19 09:03:16

I am not the favourite child. Interestingly, I was the one who was a difficult birth and then my colic probably also contributed to parents divorcing. I am coming to terms with that it wasn't my fault at all but neither of my parents show the bond or concern for me the way they do my older sibling who cannot ever do a thing wrong (they can, just in parents' eyes they can't!) whereas everything I do is crap apparently.

Not sure how you fix it, if you can, but as others have said.....they will know.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Wed 03-Apr-19 09:04:35

Oh god this thread is scary. Those poor babies. 'Oh but I don't show it' - yes you do

I agree! Taking a 3 year old shopping ( scan the shop?) won't make up for the fact you think he's doing something 'wrong'

Please seek help.

Namenic Wed 03-Apr-19 09:16:31

I dunno - I personally wouldn’t beat myself up about it. Seek help with PND. There are always people you ‘bond’ better with due to personality etc. Why expect it to be different with siblings, parents or children?

Love isn’t a cuddly feeling. It’s being thoughtful in your time, effort and resources. If it doesn’t come naturally, then do exactly what you are doing and purposefully make time even if you don’t feel like it. Think of what is fun for him - i’m Sure looking back he will appreciate it even if you don’t have that much in common with him.

cleomummy Wed 03-Apr-19 09:17:39

I wouldn't say I have a favourite and love them both the same, unconditionally. But my second is so much easier to be around, I enjoy her company more and I understand her more. We have wonderful days together and I adore her.

Ds is hard work, he tests me constantly, he irritates me easily and I find him very complex. We just rub each other up the wrong way if we spend too much time together. There have been times when I have had to get away from him and dreaded waking him up in the morning or collecting him from school as I don't know which ds I am going to get. There have been times where I simply don't want to be with him and would rather be at work- I feel very guilty for that.

EmrysAtticus Wed 03-Apr-19 09:25:59

I do yes but that's because I only have one DC. If you have a favourite child you really need to get help as soon as possible as it is incredibly unfair on both of your children.

Mumshappy Wed 03-Apr-19 09:30:05

Yes i do. Its human nature. I dont love them any differently i just prefer parenting one of my girls over the other. She is a joy to be around whilst my other dd is very difficult and always has been. Im not factoring ds nearly 1 in this.

Chocolateisfab Wed 03-Apr-19 09:33:38

I have many many dc, they often ask if I have a favourite - I say I hate them all equally! No favouritism, though obviously due to ages /amount of physical /mental care, ebb and flow of ease of relationship is normal ime. An 'easier' relationship isn't a better one, just different.

cliquewhyohwhy Wed 03-Apr-19 09:35:57

Mine changes each day to how difficult they are being. Today my youngest is the most likeable, didn't have any back chat whilst getting everyone ready for nursery/school but the oldest two were nightmares!

beenhereages1 Wed 03-Apr-19 09:42:53

I don't have a favourite, but almost have a different relationship with both of my boys.

My eldest (15) is like my best buddy, I was a single mum to him when he was little and we've always had a tight bond. He's got the same sense of humour as me so we really get each other. I'm very proud of the young man he's become.

My youngest (10) has got my daft ness so we love prancing round the house together. We spend a lot of fab time, just the two of us, so are very close. He also has health issues and learning difficulties so I'm very protective of him. We've been through a lot with DS2.

I feel so honoured to be mum to them both.

So very very different but in no way is one my favourite. You just couldn't compare them.

Wallsbangers Wed 03-Apr-19 09:46:20

I'm the unfavoured child. It was obvious the whole way through my childhood and it's miserable now we're adults. Parents obvious favouritism led to wider family favouritism.

SleepingSloth Wed 03-Apr-19 09:46:25

Some of the most 'damaged' people I know have parents who had or still have a favourite....and not all of them are the least favourite child, it affects the favourite as well. It's not just their relationship with their parents but their relationship with their siblings and wider family and friends as well. Seek help, all the children involved will be aware when they're old enough no matter how much you think you hide it.

NotWhatWhat Wed 03-Apr-19 09:49:12

I wouldnt worry about it either. Just carry on doing the right thing all the time and make sure you never ever show it. Some kids aren't as 'likeable' as others but that doesn't mean you don't love them all. Also 3 year olds are really really annoying. I get they are cute and lovable a lot of the time but they are also very, very irritating. They do that fake crying thing when they don't get their own way. Ugh.

So He's annoying and you are tired. It's not a great combination. This will change as you get older.
I guess if it's a matter that you don't love him at all or something then that's a more serious matter and perhaps you should seek some counselling.

I have always told my kids that whoever has last made me a cup of tea is my favourite. It means there is less confusion.

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