Does anyone else have a favorite child?

[SMarie123]

I am ashamed to say this... but I really do have a favorite child.

I have 2 sons and the oldest (3) is a real struggle for me and has been from day one. He is so intense and determined and he really overwhelms me. My dh is blessed with patience and really does a lot more of the hard graft. They have a great bond.

I really enjoy my second son (18 months), I feel like I understand him perfectly and I am 100% the most qualified to care for him in any situation.

I try really hard to disguise my feelings. For example I always take my older son shopping, just the 2 of us, and allow him to scan the shop. I organize lots of play dates but I feel like I am really trying to force a bond I just can't make.

My own mother was cruelly unfair to my older sister and I really thought I could be a bigger person. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

I have three children with three completely different personalities. I dont have a favourite but some days depending on my mood I might prefer one "personality" over another if that makes sense!

I would hate to think I favour one over another as I think that would be awful for the child.

beenhereages1

You sound like you have a lovely relationship with both of your boys. I think it's 'normal' to have different relationships with each child just because of their ages, personalities etc but like you say that doesn't mean you have a favourite.

My son is 15, fairly quiet, 'just gets on with things' and is very laid back. My daughter, age 10, is very chatty and a lot more sensitive. Inevitably my daughter spends more time with me because she's younger but she also likes to tell me everything. She is very like me where as my son is very like his dad. I like and love them equally, the thought of having a favourite child doesn't sit well with me at all.

Both OH and I fall foul of the PFB effect of our older brothers. Both our mums will deny it til they are blue in the face but no matter what our brothers do, it is excused and explained away. If either of us behaved the way they have, we would be called out on it.

You may think you treat them the same but if there is a difference, your children will feel it. I guess there's human nature going on, but just be aware that you might not be hiding it was well as you think.

I have two very different children but I love them equally. My son is 13 and is helpful, caring and sensitive and my daughter who’s 9 is funny, Wild and a bit of a firecracker. They both challenge me in different ways and of course some days are easier with one than the other but I love them the same.

I think if you love your children differently it is quite hard to hide. ☹️

For the first couple of years I felt terribly guilty that my second born just didn't really come close to the first in terms of emotional bond.

At some point it turned around and now I'd say I don't have a favourite but have a unique relationship with both. Since the younger one needs me more at the moment I'm closer.

Be open to change is the only advice I'd give.

My mum, looking back, certainly has an easier relationship with one of us. (Not me!) However she was always scrupulous over giving of herself equally, continuing with grandchildren. So although I can imagine she does in fact identify more with one family it's not noticeable iyswim.

After I'd got over the personality gap I felt with my mum growing up and becoming my own person, I realised I'm happy she has a special bosom buddy among her kids...so I think she did something very right!

I recently read Sarah ockwell-smith’s book about having a second child. She explains it that you’ll often get on better with one child more than the other, maybe because you have a similar personality or interests. I think if you lived in a house with four other adults you’re always going to get on better with some than with others, doesn’t necessarily make them your favourite though.

Ds1 is harder, more challenging, not like me. I find him hard. But the wierd thing is, when he's in doubt, in trouble, criticised by others, there's a part of me that is Uber protective, so I'm just hoping that's enough to compensate.

Ds2 is just easy. No trouble.

I don't have a favourite. Love them both immeasurably. But I do have one that is currently much easier to be around.
I have to be quite careful to still treat them the exact same despite the way one responds.If anything I do extra with the one that is more tricky just now-just as she needs that extra input.
I've really struggled with it actually-I never thought I would have a good and easy relationship with one and a more difficult time with the other-but its all down to personality I guess and how we respond to each other and to outside stuff. I've really struggled with my own reaction to it as well actually-I find it really upsetting.
I have an early teen and a pre teen, so I'm hoping that as they get older things will settle back down.

Thanks for all the helpful comments. I think a lot of people said something that hits home, one is easy to be around and the other guy is just more hard work. Please don't think I love my first son less, I would lay down my life for either of them. In fact as he is much more sensitive I think I would actually worry/ care more for him. He is also more susceptible to illness.

If anything I think I overcompensate for the tricky relationship I have with my first son. I spend a lot of time thinking about things he likes (shopping, car valeting) or trips he likes, I always make sure to cuddle him just as much etc so I don't think he gets less but the time I have with him isn't easy... the second guy I can just chill out with and get on with.

My own childhood of seeing one of my siblings being the least favorite child and the other four of us swinging in and out of favour makes me very sensitive to the injustice of favoritism.

Of course I love both my children equally but yes I have one I like and get on with more. Personality wise one is like me and one is like DH and I like the one like me more. I'm close and spend quality time with the other but I do find her harder work.