Does anyone else have a favorite child?

[SMarie123]

I am ashamed to say this... but I really do have a favorite child.

I have 2 sons and the oldest (3) is a real struggle for me and has been from day one. He is so intense and determined and he really overwhelms me. My dh is blessed with patience and really does a lot more of the hard graft. They have a great bond.

I really enjoy my second son (18 months), I feel like I understand him perfectly and I am 100% the most qualified to care for him in any situation.

I try really hard to disguise my feelings. For example I always take my older son shopping, just the 2 of us, and allow him to scan the shop. I organize lots of play dates but I feel like I am really trying to force a bond I just can't make.

My own mother was cruelly unfair to my older sister and I really thought I could be a bigger person. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

[Pinkprincess1978]

Of course I love both my children equally but yes I have one I like and get on with more. Personality wise one is like me and one is like DH and I like the one like me more. I'm close and spend quality time with the other but I do find her harder work.

[SMarie123]

Thanks for all the helpful comments. I think a lot of people said something that hits home, one is easy to be around and the other guy is just more hard work. Please don't think I love my first son less, I would lay down my life for either of them. In fact as he is much more sensitive I think I would actually worry/ care more for him. He is also more susceptible to illness.

If anything I think I overcompensate for the tricky relationship I have with my first son. I spend a lot of time thinking about things he likes (shopping, car valeting) or trips he likes, I always make sure to cuddle him just as much etc so I don't think he gets less but the time I have with him isn't easy... the second guy I can just chill out with and get on with.

My own childhood of seeing one of my siblings being the least favorite child and the other four of us swinging in and out of favour makes me very sensitive to the injustice of favoritism.

[TheLastNigel]

I don't have a favourite. Love them both immeasurably. But I do have one that is currently much easier to be around.
I have to be quite careful to still treat them the exact same despite the way one responds.If anything I do extra with the one that is more tricky just now-just as she needs that extra input.
I've really struggled with it actually-I never thought I would have a good and easy relationship with one and a more difficult time with the other-but its all down to personality I guess and how we respond to each other and to outside stuff. I've really struggled with my own reaction to it as well actually-I find it really upsetting.
I have an early teen and a pre teen, so I'm hoping that as they get older things will settle back down.

[Oblomov19]

Ds1 is harder, more challenging, not like me. I find him hard. But the wierd thing is, when he's in doubt, in trouble, criticised by others, there's a part of me that is Uber protective, so I'm just hoping that's enough to compensate.

Ds2 is just easy. No trouble.

[Blue09]

I recently read Sarah ockwell-smith’s book about having a second child. She explains it that you’ll often get on better with one child more than the other, maybe because you have a similar personality or interests. I think if you lived in a house with four other adults you’re always going to get on better with some than with others, doesn’t necessarily make them your favourite though.

[AnnaNutherThing]

For the first couple of years I felt terribly guilty that my second born just didn't really come close to the first in terms of emotional bond.

At some point it turned around and now I'd say I don't have a favourite but have a unique relationship with both. Since the younger one needs me more at the moment I'm closer.

Be open to change is the only advice I'd give.

My mum, looking back, certainly has an easier relationship with one of us. (Not me!) However she was always scrupulous over giving of herself equally, continuing with grandchildren. So although I can imagine she does in fact identify more with one family it's not noticeable iyswim.

After I'd got over the personality gap I felt with my mum growing up and becoming my own person, I realised I'm happy she has a special bosom buddy among her kids...so I think she did something very right!

[AppleJuiceFlood]

I have two very different children but I love them equally. My son is 13 and is helpful, caring and sensitive and my daughter who’s 9 is funny, Wild and a bit of a firecracker. They both challenge me in different ways and of course some days are easier with one than the other but I love them the same.

I think if you love your children differently it is quite hard to hide. ☹️

[Yabbers]

Both OH and I fall foul of the PFB effect of our older brothers. Both our mums will deny it til they are blue in the face but no matter what our brothers do, it is excused and explained away. If either of us behaved the way they have, we would be called out on it.

You may think you treat them the same but if there is a difference, your children will feel it. I guess there's human nature going on, but just be aware that you might not be hiding it was well as you think.

[SleepingSloth]

beenhereages1

You sound like you have a lovely relationship with both of your boys. I think it's 'normal' to have different relationships with each child just because of their ages, personalities etc but like you say that doesn't mean you have a favourite.

My son is 15, fairly quiet, 'just gets on with things' and is very laid back. My daughter, age 10, is very chatty and a lot more sensitive. Inevitably my daughter spends more time with me because she's younger but she also likes to tell me everything. She is very like me where as my son is very like his dad. I like and love them equally, the thought of having a favourite child doesn't sit well with me at all.

[Mrsbclinton]

I have three children with three completely different personalities. I dont have a favourite but some days depending on my mood I might prefer one "personality" over another if that makes sense!

I would hate to think I favour one over another as I think that would be awful for the child.

[NotWhatWhat]

BTW I don't have a favourite and my kids know that. They are all different to one another and I love their differences. My kids are adults now and it's been amazing to experience how my relationship with them has changed over the years. The toddler years seem like a blip in the past.

[NotWhatWhat]

I wouldnt worry about it either. Just carry on doing the right thing all the time and make sure you never ever show it. Some kids aren't as 'likeable' as others but that doesn't mean you don't love them all. Also 3 year olds are really really annoying. I get they are cute and lovable a lot of the time but they are also very, very irritating. They do that fake crying thing when they don't get their own way. Ugh.

So He's annoying and you are tired. It's not a great combination. This will change as you get older.
I guess if it's a matter that you don't love him at all or something then that's a more serious matter and perhaps you should seek some counselling.

I have always told my kids that whoever has last made me a cup of tea is my favourite. It means there is less confusion.

[SleepingSloth]

Some of the most 'damaged' people I know have parents who had or still have a favourite....and not all of them are the least favourite child, it affects the favourite as well. It's not just their relationship with their parents but their relationship with their siblings and wider family and friends as well. Seek help, all the children involved will be aware when they're old enough no matter how much you think you hide it.

[Wallsbangers]

I'm the unfavoured child. It was obvious the whole way through my childhood and it's miserable now we're adults. Parents obvious favouritism led to wider family favouritism.

[beenhereages1]

I don't have a favourite, but almost have a different relationship with both of my boys.

My eldest (15) is like my best buddy, I was a single mum to him when he was little and we've always had a tight bond. He's got the same sense of humour as me so we really get each other. I'm very proud of the young man he's become.

My youngest (10) has got my daft ness so we love prancing round the house together. We spend a lot of fab time, just the two of us, so are very close. He also has health issues and learning difficulties so I'm very protective of him. We've been through a lot with DS2.

I feel so honoured to be mum to them both.

So very very different but in no way is one my favourite. You just couldn't compare them.

[cliquewhyohwhy]

Mine changes each day to how difficult they are being. Today my youngest is the most likeable, didn't have any back chat whilst getting everyone ready for nursery/school but the oldest two were nightmares!

[Chocolateisfab]

I have many many dc, they often ask if I have a favourite - I say I hate them all equally! No favouritism, though obviously due to ages /amount of physical /mental care, ebb and flow of ease of relationship is normal ime. An 'easier' relationship isn't a better one, just different.

[Mumshappy]

Yes i do. Its human nature. I dont love them any differently i just prefer parenting one of my girls over the other. She is a joy to be around whilst my other dd is very difficult and always has been. Im not factoring ds nearly 1 in this.

[EmrysAtticus]

I do yes but that's because I only have one DC. If you have a favourite child you really need to get help as soon as possible as it is incredibly unfair on both of your children.

[cleomummy]

I wouldn't say I have a favourite and love them both the same, unconditionally. But my second is so much easier to be around, I enjoy her company more and I understand her more. We have wonderful days together and I adore her.

Ds is hard work, he tests me constantly, he irritates me easily and I find him very complex. We just rub each other up the wrong way if we spend too much time together. There have been times when I have had to get away from him and dreaded waking him up in the morning or collecting him from school as I don't know which ds I am going to get. There have been times where I simply don't want to be with him and would rather be at work- I feel very guilty for that.

[Namenic]

I dunno - I personally wouldn’t beat myself up about it. Seek help with PND. There are always people you ‘bond’ better with due to personality etc. Why expect it to be different with siblings, parents or children?

Love isn’t a cuddly feeling. It’s being thoughtful in your time, effort and resources. If it doesn’t come naturally, then do exactly what you are doing and purposefully make time even if you don’t feel like it. Think of what is fun for him - i’m Sure looking back he will appreciate it even if you don’t have that much in common with him.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Oh god this thread is scary. Those poor babies. 'Oh but I don't show it' - yes you do

I agree! Taking a 3 year old shopping ( scan the shop?) won't make up for the fact you think he's doing something 'wrong'

Please seek help.

[NoNewsisGood]

I am not the favourite child. Interestingly, I was the one who was a difficult birth and then my colic probably also contributed to parents divorcing. I am coming to terms with that it wasn't my fault at all but neither of my parents show the bond or concern for me the way they do my older sibling who cannot ever do a thing wrong (they can, just in parents' eyes they can't!) whereas everything I do is crap apparently.

Not sure how you fix it, if you can, but as others have said.....they will know.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Oh god this thread is scary. Those poor babies. 'Oh but I don't show it' - yes you do,

[RobertSmithdoesmyhair]

I love my 2 oldest teens to bits. They are kind, caring, funny and good company. My youngest, however, is nothing like any of us and i don't really like him very much..