Not doing ok...think I need to stop...

[Maggie272]

...I know I've posted here before about the meds not agreeing with me, so I hope I'm not pushing it. To be honest, I've reached my limit and I feel hopeless...I can't live like this anymore. I keep thinking that I don't want to be here at all.

I had a transfer on Monday...so am at the start of my two week wait, on 8mg of estrogen and 1ml progesterone shots a day. But I don't know if I can wait two weeks before coming off the medication. I know the embryo won't survive, but I'm not sure I will either.

This isn't me...I was a really happy person, now I can't cope, I can't stop crying, or thinking that everyone would be better off without me. I've never felt so desperately low, and a stranger in my own skin. The clinic don't really acknowledge the problem, and don't hesitate to increase my dosages even though I tell them how I feel.

My head is so foggy that I don't know what to do - stop the meds (there is a voice in my head saying, Jesus, stop taking that shit) or keep going til the 2ww is over.

thanks for reading
xxx

[LaurenN23]

@Maggie272 we're here to listen! Please don't feel alone, it's definitely best to talk than keep things bottled up. Do you have the capacity to finish this cycle and then take a break if things don't go to plan? It sounds like you need to shut off from it all to heal a bit. I often feel like I've lost who I was before infertility so you're not alone x

[InThisMultiverse]

Hopefully no one will be along with an unequivocal suggestion one way or the other, as your circumstances sound very complex. Although it is not uncommon for depressive feelings to be a side effect of progesterone, clearly there is a difference between feeling somewhat low and not wanting to be here. Do you think the clinic’s counselling service would be of any use? If not perhaps make a GP appointment first thing to discuss how the medication has been affecting you. It is likely to be useful to have a record on your medical notes of your reactions to the treatment.

[GaaaaarlicBread]

Not sure what to say but I wish I could help you, so I am sending you so many hugs 💐💐💐💐

[Lalla525]

You are not alone. My co-worker did ivf (or better say, his wife did) and he told me he was an easy journey. I underestimated it and now I find myself in severe depression, which I'm trying to fight as best as I can. You're not alone.

[physicskate]

I'm very very lucky that I didn't follow through with my plans this time two years ago. They were dark dark times.

Hugs. It's shit.

If you're feeling this low, maybe Samaritan's might be a good idea? Gp in the morning. This qualifies for n emergency appointment, I should think.

But definitely take pause nd try to carefully weigh up any decisions. Maybe with the help of your clinic's counsellor?

[Maggie272]

Thanks so much guys, it helps knowing that I am not the only one. @Lalla525, would you put your depression down to the IVF process? I can't think of anything else that would have triggered this off in me...cos we have had a really relaxed attitude to the gains and losses...we have a nice life.

The clinic counsellor is nice but all she says is she understands, and asks if this is what we really want. I suppose you can't do it without meds, and that's that. @InThisMultiverse I had been to my GP about 6 weeks ago (I have been on meds since 2nd August). He said he thought I was on a bipolar 'spectrum' and prescribed me some medication. It didn't feel right, so I stopped taking it. I agreed to be referred to a psychiatrist.

Every morning is the same, the second I am awake the dread and pain descends, and it's all I can do to get in to work. I'm glad no one knows. But tonight driving home from work I thought, I just can't, I can't do another second, and I almost didn't go home.

It's easy to think, just stop taking the meds...but what if i am pregnant now..

@physicskate thank you so much for sharing that...that's so kind of you. Yes, how did I become like this? I was a happy person. Now I am thinking these thoughts..

I can't thank you enough for replying. I hope you are all ok xxx

[Persipan]

First thing in the morning, get yourself to a GP appointment and tell them what you have told us. If you are at the point where you are having thoughts of ending your life, that's very serious and you need and deserve support. If things worsen overnight, you can call the Samaritans, and if necessary go to A&E.

I promise that you are not going to feel like this forever, whatever you ultimately decide you'd like to do going forwards. For right now, just focus on whatever self-care you can manage, and seek the support of anyone around you who can be a help to you. Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

[Lalla525]

I most certainly think IVF was a major contributing factor. I am not dismissing the fact I might have had a latent depression and IVF might have ignited it, but however you see it, i was ok before and I'm not ok now. Lost interest in my relationship, in my job, etc. Also, this state makes me question a series of life choices that I've made, which makes everything harder because I feel I'm stuck.

How much can this continue? I dont know but certainly I'm not at a steady state. I feel like I'm in a very precarious position and it can go either way - I.e. I can get better or things might get significantly worse, but I don't see this as being a stable situation.

What generally helps me is having plan B, C, D in case plan A was not working. I'm open to donor eggs, surrogate, adoption, you name it. The problem with this horrible process of having kids is that it takes a huge amount of time and can not be solved, as I would like, in a speedy fashion and this makes my anxiety and depression worse. Every week feels like 6 months. And the anxiety mounts.

I really hope you feel better and find the peace of mind you need.

[Bitofeverything]

Hope you’re feeling a bit better this morning.

[SourAndSnippy]

Hope you have got some RL help. 💐

[Maggie272]

Thank you so much, I'm afraid I am not feeling much better this morning, the second I wake up I feel consumed by terror...sorry to be such a downer....
I have an appointment to see the GP tomorrow. I'm sure he thinks I am just looking for attention. He is not the most sympathetic
@Lalla525 that's awful, but I know how you feel. I'm not even thinking about the transfer I had on Monday, I just feel so down. I don't want to feel bad - or spill over onto other people. I'm so glad this space is here, cos I could never tell my friends or family.
thank you all so much xxx

[moodolph]

I agree with @Lalla525 op. IVF triggered a very dark depression in me which I have only recently come to understand or realise.

Again it may have been lurking somewhere but a combination of the brutal process, the stress, the medication, the whole thing really all brought it to the fore.

See your GP.

I can't tell you what to do I'm afraid like others have said. If it was me, I would try and get to the end of this two weeks and go from there. I think hindsight for me would have been horrendous if I had stopped at this stage.

It was a failure for me in Any event, twice but I still think I would say to get there if you can.

Are you off work? Echo others get as much rest and support as you can, talk here, we are listening.

[Maggie272]

Thanks girls this really means a lot. I am on my own - married, but my husband is recovering from a brain injury, and is not as present as he used to me. None of my friends or family know I am feeling like this, so it's great to hear your responses. I appreciate that no one can advise regarding the transfer, but I am on day 3 now, so will keep going for another while

@moodolph I am still working, I'd go crazy altogether if I wasn't. My job involves supporting other people, and I love doing it.

I am still feeling very dark, I feel it in my chest, like a wave hitting every few minutes. I am usually very good at picking myself up. I have lots of tools, but nothing is working. It is a very dark time, and I should be filled with hope and positivity after my transfer xxxx

[moodolph]

Gosh that's difficult op.

What do you have for you? Eventually the thing that saved me was a dog. We got a new puppy for dh and she chose me instead. That transfer of worry, she needs walked, fed etc really shifted my focus if that makes sense.

[lowwintersun]

Op. That sounds really tough. And it doesn't sound like you're getting answers despite vocalising how you feel? Are you saying that whilst the IVF process is undoubtedly challenging, you feel it's more the meds are creating a chemical downer for you that is difficult to deal with?

[drspouse]

Voice from the other side here. We did not do IVF so no drug effects but the whole cycle of hope and disappointment (several miscarriages in my case) is really bad for your mental health.
What helped us was to say "the limit is here" and go no further than that. We decided after X years we'd stop, and move on to adoption. I know others make different decisions but it was having a limit that helped.

[Maggie272]

@moodolph yes! I have my dog...she is my best little buddie. I love walking her every day. Today she met her friend Cleo - another Collie, and they were running and playing together for a whole mile! so that makes me smile, and want to get through this. My husband wouldn't be able to look after her if I wasn't here.

@lowwintersun I feel it is the medications, for sure. I was fine before this, I was happy. We had three failed, unmedicated IUIs, and I was really fine, until early August when I started on the pill...about a week into it my husband and I took a short trip, just an overnight trip to the seaside. When we checked into the hotel we went to our room, and I told him I had to leave immediately, get home to make sure the house wasn't on fire. It's been like that since, but it feels like it's gone deeper, into my very being. I do not have depression, or bipolar. I am naturally upbeat, kind, and positive. I sat with my husband for 6 months when he was in hospital, and I never felt this.

@drspouse thank you so much for your reply! that must have been so hard, I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I haven't had that, just two chemical pregnancies...I was ok. We are realistic about the whole thing. We have a limit, for sure. We won't be doing IVF again, possible go back to unmedicated IUI. I'm perfectly healthy...we needed treatment because of my husband's illness. The idea of having a limit is crucial, I agree...life is too short, and not having children does not mean any less of a life.

Thank you girls so much for replying, I feel so much less alone than I did last night when I first posted....much love and gratitude xxx

[lowwintersun]

If you know it's the meds, then it will be the meds. I think the treatment, plus your husbands condition (and subsequent partial loss of his support), are a hell of a lot on your plate. May I ask what stops you sharing how you feel with friends or family?

[Maggie272]

@lowwintersun yes you are right, and I know I'll feel better once I'm off them. If it's a negative test then that will be one good thing.

My family don't really do feelings...my mum will ask me how I am but if I let on that it's hard she freezes up. I'm the complete opposite...!

[Sylva123]

Hi @maggie272, I'm not doing IVF but am on progesterone treatment and the impact on my mental health has been very similar to what you've described.
You've had some really thoughtful messages here so I won't repeat whats already been said, but wanted to recommend googling "Better Stop app" - it's an app that helps when you're in those really really dark spaces. Also you can text SHOUT to 85258 and a counselor will have a text chat with you if you're feeling like you can't go on. I used them when fertility & hormone things got a bit much as I wasn't comfortable calling a helpline or speaking to my GP. I also use the Calm app.

Remember that it feels so intense and hard at the moment, but it does pass and you will feel happy again even if you can't imagine it right now.

It isn't you, it's the hormones. Xx

[lowwintersun]

I understand. Those around us are often not equipped to hear our struggles for whatever reason. I'm a major fan of talking my problems through with an "independent" person. Does your work have any counselling resources you could access? Or perhaps is there a person in your sphere who might be receptive to letting you talk it out without freezing or judging? I do think it's important to have a plan of self support for however long the fertility journey is for you; especially to remind yourself it's the meds talking and a temporary a state. You mentioned that you "should" be full of joy etc after the transfer- your emotions are valid whatever they are.

[Maggie272]

@Sylva123 thank you so much! You are so kind to share this - it means more than I can say. I knew everyone would be impact by the hormones, but although I would never wish it on anyone, it heartens me to hear your stories. You are just brilliant.

@lowwintersun Thank you again for continuing to post here, I feel so supported by everyone. I did go and see my own therapist today and she was wonderful. What I love about her is that she doesn't have children and she kicks ass. I was able to untangle a lot today, and feel so tired now, wonderfully tired.

You have all been just amazing here. I hope that all my stress, terror and despair didn't make it's way down to the embryo. Keep us in your thoughts...women are incredible beings, resilient and strong, and no matter what happens we will be ok
Love, Maggie x

[Maggie272]

I tested today 5dp5dt, and it's positive : )
had chemical pregnancy the last two times, so keep your fingers crossed
cramping and hoping it's nothing.
And I'm reluctant to say it, but I'm considering that the pain of the past few months has been worth it to see the positive line xx

[peachesforfree]

Whoohoo! Great news

[Ohhgreat]

So pleased for you - fingers crossed for the next 8 months!