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To not know how to deal with ds behaviour

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Failureforaparent01 Thu 16-May-19 16:16:16

MN has always been great at giving advice and I've posted about this before but I'm really at rock bottom now.

I have a ds who will be 5 soon, since the summer of 2017 he was been wicked towards his sister(born Feb 2017) at first it started with snatching toys off her and laughing.
Then it progressed to hitting her, kicking her.

The hitting and kicking stopped but he has got obsessive over her, if she is in the kitchen he has to be too. He wont play if she isn't outside.
If she sits on the floor he will sit right beside her.

Recently he has;
Pushed her head into our fence. Made her eat stones and smacked her when she refused. Put her toys in a bucket and slap her when she goes near them. He throws her dinner on the floor, pours out her water(doesn't want her to have them is his answer)

I have since had a baby and a few times he has dropped toys on her head - he can't give me an answer why.

I am sitting here wishing I was dead to be totally fucking honest. I hate my son, it probably shows. I am sick to the back teeth of my daughter being hurt.
Many times I've contemplated suicide just so I don't have to deal with this kid. I have no will to go on, I'm completely done.
I've begged SS to take him(not as simple as that I know!) But they don't do anything.

I need immediate help, I'm failing, every single fucking second of the day and I can't get a grip on anything 😢

holdingonbyathread Thu 16-May-19 20:14:11

I'm an SLT and I'm really saddened to hear yours isn't helping you more. There are no quick fixes and they certainly can't get your boy talking quickly but they should be listening to what you're saying here, making observations of your son in terms of SN and making appropriate onward referrals (such as complex needs team, portage, paediatrician, ASD ax team etc)

Put your SLT on the list to phone tomorrow. Tell her everything you've said here and that his communication (the behaviour) is meaning your other children are at risk and so are you and you need emergency help. If I took your call and heard you say what you've said on here, I'd walk down to the paediatricians office, talk to them at length and probably get you and your son in to pead short stay assessment unit to get all the agencies talking and a plan in place for you.

Aprillygirl Thu 16-May-19 20:14:53

Blimey OP you are screaming out for help and nobody is helping you! I am appalled at this, and feel so sorry for you-who is obviously doing your best- and your little boy. I've nothing more to add to the advice given here but just wanted to say stay strong and I hope you all manage to get the help you so obviously need very soon [Flowers]

CarrotVan Thu 16-May-19 20:23:11

If he starts school in August it might be worth talking to the school now so they can be on it from day 1 with referrals and assessments.

If you can find time write everything down and take it with you. Book a double appointment so you can talk through your son’s issues AND the impact on your mental health.

Ask the GP to refer to social services (might carry more weight).

crispysausagerolls Thu 16-May-19 20:25:17

It’s disgraceful how you are not being helped.

It will definitely get better though - keep trying and trying and someone will eventually help, or DS will get a diagnosis.

This is NOT your fault.

danni0509 Thu 16-May-19 20:28:07

What's his sleep like @Failureforaparent01

coffee675 Thu 16-May-19 20:30:12

OP, your children would be much worse off without you. Please do not hurt your child. You need to be relentless about asking for help. If you are fobbed off, (ie SS say they aren't really able to help) ask what do they cover?

I agree, drop the HV - I always found them useless. It might be worth to have one final go with them on a fact finding mission. Ask the below of every one:
- what services are available for child mental health
- my mental health is at breaking point, who do i call
- if i'm worried i'm going to hurt myself who do i call
- if my children are being seriously harmed by DS who do i call
- what are lead times
- for the SLT: what are the criteria
- is the fact he isn't being referred to do with this age

It may also be worth calling the school your DS is about to attend to see if they have any recommendations. Contact your local MP and councillors with a diary of behavioural issues, and appointments that have lead nowhere.

I don't think you can expect respite or someone coming to watch him but you can expect appointments to work on his behavioural and SL issues.

Don't let people off the hook with turning you away. LIke i said earlier have a diary of the behaviour to show them.

DisappearingGirl Thu 16-May-19 20:34:22

Some of the comments on here are absolutely shocking. When the OP is at the end of her tether and has said she is feeling suicidal.

OP you are not a failure. If I had a child behaving like this plus two little ones I think I would feel suicidal too, I mean it.

I echo previous posters in saying please go and make a massive fuss till you get the help you need. flowers

crispysausagerolls Thu 16-May-19 20:37:56

Where do you live OP?

800msprint Thu 16-May-19 20:38:43

Please please get help! You can do this. You will get through this. You need some space and support to cope. You have a son who desperately needs your love and I know it's seems impossible right now you have to keep going and be an adult and care for him as well as your daughter. He is four. He is not evil. You just need some decent longer term help and support. Flowers, a hug from me. X

Failureforaparent01 Thu 16-May-19 20:40:24

I will stick with my plan for the GP tomorrow, I know I need to be doing things ASAP but I fear if I try to take on too much too soon I'll be in an even worse position so I reckon if I nail it down, a service a day(so gp tomorrow, SS Monday, HV tuesday) type thing then at least I should get clear answers of where to seek help.

I'm not even sure if that makes sense, I just don't want to get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing when you've all been so helpful and honestly each of your sentences telling me to fight for more help are resounding on my head. I can hear you all, I promise.

I'm about to read ds his story, I will give him the biggest squeeze ever and tell him I love him. I do try to use positive language (if he sits for 5 mins then I go all out for praise, if he manages to eat breakfast - usually he gets up looking for dd, throws his cereal to get her attention and so on - more praise maybe even a sticker, if he gets dressed and puts away dirty clothes allows him 5 min on my phone) so he does hear positive language.

No he has never witnessed DV, not in this house. Mot with his dad either but his dad did SA me (sorry if I'm derailing) that was when he was about 2 month old, he just stopped coming to see him eventually. I have moved since then as he used to message me saying he would do the same to dd sad and I got so terribly scared that I couldn't sleep. But heard nothing.
I feel for ds not having his dad on the scene but he was scum. It's a shame I didn't realise it before falling pregnant!!

800msprint Thu 16-May-19 20:42:01

Keep talking on here OP x

Nearlythere1 Thu 16-May-19 20:45:00

Yep, OP, I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel worse but I suppose i'm despairing from afar for you, and to see you still in the same situation.

I think GP should definitely be high on the list because you're feeling suicidal. Also, show him your DDs cuts and tell the doctor it was your son. The GP should know who to contact and you need to show them how serious it is, both physically and mentally. Good luck!

coffee675 Thu 16-May-19 20:45:39

Well done OP! Keep going. Also ask the GP for help for yourself (antidepressants maybe or counselling). You have to take care of yourself. Your children do need you and you are enough for them. As long as you have a plan then you are moving in the right direction.

Failureforaparent01 Thu 16-May-19 20:47:10

His is my only child that sleeps grin goes to bed for about 7.30 and is awake for 5.30
I could probably let him stay up but I'm just too tired for that, during the weekends and holidays he is up until 8-15 but still wakes really early! I'm usually up with the girls anyway so doesn't matter.

It's truly hard to believe he isn't evil, he smacks her because she doesn't eat stones?
He spat on her for touching one of her own toys?
He throws her food on the floor(his reason was he simply doesn't want her to eat) if you were reading that in a paper, and that was happening to a child but it was an adult doing it then you'd think they were evil. I certainly would. How is it any different because he is a child?

Not to mention when they shared a room, he would press on her stomach to make her sick (he used to be obsessed with waking her up) he has pushed her down the stairs, smothered her with blankets (hasn't done that since she was a baby but still!)
And I stupidly bathed them together once and he forced her under the water. That to me screams quite evil and calculated behaviour.

It's like he gets a kick out of hurting her

coffee675 Thu 16-May-19 20:47:50

Make sure you call the school too OP. They will have someone who can look at getting something set up before your DS starts.

Also. don't be afraid to ask for help from people around you. Could the nursery manager come to some meetings with you? Or write a report on their observations? They might help moving things along too.

Failureforaparent01 Thu 16-May-19 20:52:01

Imho I don't think there is any SEN, I genuinely think he is extremely jealous and he doesn't quite know how to deal with that (nor do I? Is it normal to be jealous 2 years down the line!!)
It's like jealousy that has manifested and maybe because of his hormones/growing up has gone haywire somewhere down the line.
Maybe my parenting style hasn't helped, obviously not has having another baby but that's by the by I can't exactly send her back.

I just lost as to how to get back on track, the quick fix seems like getting him out of here asap but deep down I know it's not, he doesn't deserve that and I think that would immensely confuse him.

Aprillygirl Thu 16-May-19 20:53:42

OP I think you're doing a brilliant job,and you have a helluva lot on your plate so one step a day sounds a good plan. Just don't let them fob you off whatever you do,you're doing this for you and your whole family don't forget x

Failureforaparent01 Thu 16-May-19 20:54:32

It's usually my sons key worker that comes to meetings which include an EYP behavioral specialist, the HV and ss.
But the nursery say he is a lovely little boy who is settled in really well, enjoys helping at snack time. Has 1 friend that he can be quite obsessive towards but nothing on the scale of what I mentioned sad
Which is great in a way, I'm glad he isn't behaving like this to the other children, but why is he so determined to hurt his sister?
I honestly believe if I left them alone in the house (I wouldn't be so stupid don't worry), I believe he would kill her.

DisappearingGirl Thu 16-May-19 20:55:07

It sounds incredibly hard OP. Well done for putting together a plan.

crispysausagerolls Thu 16-May-19 20:58:48

Is there some sort of behaviouralist specialist you can have stay with you for a week or so? To watch the behaviour and suggest solutions?

crispysausagerolls Thu 16-May-19 20:59:41

Child psychologist?

Do you have the money to pay for things like that? Might be more helpful if the GP route is slow - just until you get somewhere.

Mammatino Thu 16-May-19 21:02:56

I just wanted to send you some love. You poor poor lady and your poor little family. Well done for getting a plan together, I know you don't feel positive right now but that's such a positive step. You will get there step by step. There has been some great advice here, maybe write some bullet points to take to your gp so you don't get side tracked. Call your local mental health unit and read out your posts from here. You need some help and support to get yourself in a better place to get your little boy sorted x

ZootSuit Thu 16-May-19 21:10:00

I didn’t want to read and not comment. This has just made me feel so sad, and I can’t offer any better advice than already given I just really hope you and your ds can get the help you so desperately need.
Keep pushing your GP and stick to your plan of action x

lickthewrapper Thu 16-May-19 21:19:48

This sounds very difficult, my heart goes out to you. Maybe your son has twigged that bad behaviour gets him attention (even "bad" attention is a good deal to a 5 year old). Or maybe he has other issues? Like Autism? I think it would be good to see a GP, as you are obviously struggling. It's not normal to feel suicidal at any time.

RivkaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 16-May-19 22:21:17

Hello Failureforaparent01, we're so sorry to hear you are feeling this way - it sounds like a really difficult time indeed.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on jo@samaritans.org. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We'll move this to Mental Health now, which we feel is a more appropriate topic than AIBU.

Wishing you all the best OP and hope you can access the support you need. flowers

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