Struggling with separation

[Vickiuk80]

Hi
My husband walked out a week ago, after firstly leaving in January for a few days but advising he didn’t know what he was doing and coming home .
He waited for me to go to bed and woke me up to tell me he hasn’t felt the same about me for 5ish years and the depression he has had the last year.was becusde he couldn’t process those emotions.

I have nearly killed myself the last year, whilst supporting my mother who is recovering from a mastectomy.
Trying to get him to spend time with me, asking him to put his god damn phone away and literally doing every household chore and parenting our kids whilst working.
He waited an hour after I told him that my mum was cancer free .... on the eve of my sons 5th birthday.

Today I have spent mainly in tears due to seeing every family in real life and on social media having a wonderful time.

I literally feel like my whole life has fallen apart and feel hopeless.
It’s like the person I trusted most is no longer there and I am struggling to see the 16years before this where he was a good person.
It’s like he has switched his feelings off.
All I feel is fear and I hate myself for it.
I hate that inside I want all this to be a mistake and it can be sorted but then beat myself up becusde I shouldn’t be treated like this.
I deserve love, respect and kindness.
It’s all gone. How can I never trust again

Ughhhhh just needed to write it down

[Cupofteaforme5]

It's not your fault but I know exactly how you feel, I went from angry/feeling quite liberated this morning to sad/exhausted this afternoon. One day at a time and we will get through it.

[Techgirldating2018]

I rarely post but I had to on this topic. Could be my post from October 2017. My ex left, came back, suffered depression and anxiety, then left again.
24 years together with my best friend, kindest man ever or so I thought to be replaced by a cold emotionless stranger. Will not talk, even this many months on he will not discuss anything about why he left just said he didn’t make me happy and wanted to be alone. As far as I know there wasn’t another woman he was just simply unhappy.
It still saddens me that I feel responsible for him being unhappy. Especially when I thought we were so good. I tried to make him happier and now I just feel stupid for trying.
For me I still have really awful days and some good ones but I went to work every day, looked as good as I could and some days are ok.
I’ve tried dating, and have been seeing someone a few months but deep down nothing is really right yet.
Tonight ironically my ex is coming to the house to pick up some stuff he left. I know that is going to set me back, every time I say I’m going to look calm and moved on, but I see his really cold distant expression and I miss the man who treated me like a princess every day.
My family say he wasn’t that nice, he messed me around a lot, we did a lot of things that made him happy I should try to remember that instead.
Not sure if that helps but I do understand the feelings of total abandonment.

[stucknoue]

In the same boat here, 25 years together and he thinks we can be amicable etc. Though small victory, he did say today that maybe I can keep the house (though I need to drag out until at least August 2020 when I have money to clear the majority mortgage.

[almond123]

Really similar boat here. My husband told me about 4 months ago that he hadnt got over his dads death three years ago and that it was still affecting him. This morphed then into worries about our relationship ('the spark' had gone). In the end he walked out last week, blaming me entirely for not supporting him enough. I do feel I should take some of the blame, as I probably wasnt there for him in the ways he wanted. But he was doing similar things to distance himself from me. He was out with his hobby 3 nights a week and usually a full day at the weekend. He did this alone with a single woman of similar age. I wasnt jealous per se, but i pointed out how much it hurt that he was persuing fun outside our relationship and I got the unfun bit. He would have a cry about how selfish he was, but would never change his behaviour.
The way he left as well was really cruel. Made accusations about what an awful person I was that just weren't necessary (or true). Its broken my heart that he said that.
For me, the worst bit is that we have. A three year old together. She was always our daughter, our responsibility (eg we were both part time) . Not that he doesn'twwant to be involved, but since hes left hes made it clear that shes my responsibility. Its like all the burdens he felt hr had (house as well) hes just pushed onto me.
My hearts broken that the man i loved and respected could do this to me, and to my daughter.

[almond123]

There are so many people on here with similar stories. Would anyone be interested in setting up a whatsapp group for us al, so we have somewhere to share our thoughts, and maybe try to give each other support. Message me if you do.

[alittlebitdemented]

@almond123 I would be happy to message you if I knew how to.

[Bigal80]

I would love to message, if I know how as well !

[VivaVegas]

In the same position after months of H messing me around.

My back story very similar to those below.

I just feel like I will never get over this, it's heartbreaking.

[MyloJesse]

Hi all,

Six and a half months ago I gave birth to my little boy. My husband and I - or so I thought - were happily married.

Two weeks ago, we decided that we were going to start trying for another baby is January. Ten days ago, he decided to tell me that he was unsure if he was still in love with me or not. Today, he's ended it.

We're now seperating, which I don't want to do, and I feel so incredibly angry that he's not been honest with me about how he's felt. He told me that he was unsure if he loved me a few weeks before I gave birth. I feel utterly broken right now and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner]

If you look on the blue poster’s name line (if you are logged in) on rhs last category is message poster.

[Bigal80]

@vivavegas
It’s such a crushing blow - one day at a time its like an army of men who can’t deal with emotions. And who can just walk away away

[Bigal80]

Mylojesse

Wow,
A friend said to me when I was crying one night that my life was a lie
She said, no his was. I wouldn’t have done anything different. I was being honest
It’s not your fault that someone was doing this

Do you have support ?

[VivaVegas]

I just feel so lonely and sad about losing everything I thought I had.
He claims he wasn't happy for a while but just never said anything and that I should have noticed how unhappy he was and the fact that I didn't shies how little attention I gave him. So that makes me think it's my fault.
Whereas the reality was if he was that unhappy he was a pretty good actor, his behaviour didn't differ much to how he always was (he's never really helped much at home even though I work full time) and if it was that bad why didn't he say anything. I was blindsided, and still am.
This has gone on for months with him basically keeping me dangling and giving me mixed messages and false hope (with a lot of lying thrown in and possibly OW which has been and is denied to everyone).
So as we are now done DC will be told and I need to try and get myself in a better place than I am now - easier said than done.
I hate what he's done, I hate he threw everything we had as our family away and that the future we had planned is no more. I can't help thinking how this could be avoided if only he had said whenever he became unhappy but I don't think he even knows that.
I've seen the GP, I see a councillor, I exercise and I see friends but nothing is making me see any positivity at all.

[stucknoue]

Day 5 here, he claims it's been many years in the making, in fact everything together has been because it was easier than splitting - why now then? Well youngest turned 18! He says no coincidence but I'm not convinced. I couldn't live with someone I didn't love... though the irony here is that his pipe dream is once we've sorted stuff we can still do things together (I don't mean family stuff), does cake and eat it spring to mind??? He actually said no point in cancelling things like theatre subscriptions because we will still use it. I've booked Relate, you never know

[VivaVegas]

Interestingly my H still thinks we should be friends, I've told him I have enough friends, I want to be his wife or nothing. Although because of the DC will still need contact which makes it harder as if just rather not see him, every time I see him it makes it worse.

[Bigal80]

Vivavegas

We could tell the same story, I started running and counciling and yet I am the issue.
He’s just so cold and he will not talk to me face to face only via text
So I am sure he does feel guilty so not seeing me helps.

I just am so angry and that on a whim he can destroy everything and then say well how can I help you with the house.

You didn’t help for 2 years I won’t be asking ever again

[Bigal80]

@stucknoue

Mine waiting to hear my mum was cancer free. Waited 1 hour and my son turned 5 2 days later but apparently there wouldn’t be a good time
What kicks is that he wasn’t a support anyway -

[KOKOtiltomorrow]

OP and those in early stages - it really really does get better! My H (married 23 years and 2 grown up DC) left last June to start a physical relationship with a colleague he had been having an EA with. I was bereft. I got the "love you but not in love with you" speech. He came crawling back in December and I was so happy....but very soon realised he was no longer the man I thought he was - until then, I would have literally bet my left arm that he was the most honourable guy on the planet and would never deceive or hurt me and the DC. The scales started falling from my eyes and I started to recognise behaviours and events over the years showed him to actually be quite selfish and controlling. I always thought I was so lucky to have him (he made me feel like that my telling me about other women coming on to him as he works in a mainly female profession) when I now realise he was lucky to have me.

So once the initial raw emotion, shock and fear start to subside- these feelings won't go away completely for a long time - you will start to see them for the people they are. Yes, everyone has the right to leave a relationship if unhappy, but they can't expect the other person to assume all the child care, the worries and the financial fall out.

I can honestly say that I have come through to the other side and am enjoying life again. I still worry about the future (selling the house in a couple of months and buying another on my own is scary even though I'm 54!) but there is something great about being in control of your own life too.

The only advice I would give is not to focus on trying to get "answers" from them. They will either avoid, lie or confuse. You will never know what went on in their head and at the end of the day, it won't change the here and now And that is what you must deal with. Google grey rock- that is your best strategy at this time. Good luck.

[Twitchingi]

Mine left 3 weeks ago, 21 yrs married, completely out of the blue. Has barely seen the children in that time as too busy sorting himself out and enjoying his hobbies. We meanwhile are totally blindsided.

[VivaVegas]

Jeez is there an epidemic of men just doing this completely out of the blue?

[Bigal80]

Do you think it’s a generation of men that are unable to communicate ?
We are women who seem to be able to deal with most thrown at us.
I’m just so angry today

Twitchingi - I think that they moved on months ago and assumes they may have given a “signal” that marriage vows mean shit these days

[VivaVegas]

Possibly, I am told it is my fault for not noticing how unhappy he was. Trouble is he was as he always was, went to work, did sweet FA to help round the house (I work full time) came home and sat in front of the tv, same as he's always done. But I'm sorry if it was so bad for so long (which I don't believe) he should and could have said something. I thought we talked about everything, apparently I am hard to talk to so that's my fault as well.
He's had depression on and off since before I met him and never dealt with the cause and is in a mess which is why I've held on for so long as I do think he is unwell but now the mud is being firmly flung in my direction I've had enough.

[Bigal80]

Struggling tonight, the evenings are the worst. I just feel such shock and feel such fear tonight.
I hate being afraid like this. All the thoughts are rushing, will my kids be so badly affected by this.
Will I ever feel happy again, carefree even.

I really thought I was in a partnership, I really did.

[Yellowshirt]

I'm a man who was heartbroken 8 months ago after 8 years. I lost my best friend and my only friend really. ..my wife. There was a another man. They are both middle managers in a secondary school. I still have my 13 year old daughter but she sees me breaking down and just laughs and tells me to pull myself together. But her mother is perfect in her eyes. I'm at breaking point at the moment and no one understands

[Bigal80]

Wow @yellowshirt
Teenage girls are difficult, if she has difficulty dealing with seeing you emotional she prob is just saying that as I think it’s so difficult to see a parent upset.
I keep my mask on around the kids, I sob when they are in bed.
You are in shock, and you have been betrayed. Can you reach out to anyone for support ?