Feeling lost with an unhappy newborn

[BungleBonce]

I am here because I am utterly lost. After a traumatic arrival (failed induction two weeks early because she was transverse, emergency caesarean and cardiac arrest), our five-week-old little girl is struggling to put on weight. She was 6lb, 1oz and is still under 7lb. I am desperate to breastfeed but have been told by my GP and a lone helpful nurse to try topping up with formula.

But she refuses both bottle and breast, screams all day even when held, and feeds so slowly I am sometimes tied to the sofa for 12 hours. She wakes herself from sleep regularly with sharp cries. Neither of us can sleep. I am getting maybe 4 hours per day. I am exhausted.

My health visitor will not visit, my midwives discharged me despite my tearful protestations that all is not well, and my GP is well meaning but just sends me away with advice to get her weighed regularly.

My husband is doing the meals and housework but he is also back at work, and I have no family or friends to help out. I miss meals because I am trying to comfort her and the house is a mess. I barely get out because I am terrified of not being able to feed her should she need it. I cannot feed her outside because she is so slow. I think she takes in too much air, which gives her pain, but she cannot get it out despite all our efforts. She also holds in her No. 2s until the end of the day, which seems to give her pain. That?s the only routine she has.

She is so unhappy and no one will help. No one will tell me how to administer top ups (what formula, how much, when, what technique) and I am being made to feel like a failure as a human being for not being able to produce enough milk. I would love to exclusively breastfeed but she was getting dangerously small. Even with the top ups she is still screaming and uncomfortable and not sleeping.

We cannot afford private healthcare but the NHS does not want to know about us.

We do not want our old lives back. We do not want a routine. We just want our baby to feed, put on weight and just look content once in a while. We have never been as tired or as unhappy and we are both tearfully ashamed at our dark our thoughts toward her are.

What can I do? Can anyone help?

[cleoismycat]

I really feel for you and hope you get some good advice from all the lovely people on here. The first few weeks are hard and it sounds to me like you are a teriffic mummy that cares very much.

I'm assuming they mean to top up with a bottle, you may have to try several types/teats before she finds one she likes. We prefered tommee tippee and got the ones with the tube in to help with wind.
xx

[slowshow]

Your poor thing. I'm pregnant with my first so I'm afraid I can't offer any useful advice, but maybe you should post this on the breast / bottle feeding board, as a lot of your questions are to do with feeding.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding

[RuthChan]

I am so sorry to hear about your predicament.
I am appalled that the professionals who are supposed to be there to help you are not.

Firstly, I would recommend contacting the Le Leche League.
They will be more supportive in your breast feeding and may be able to ask someone to visit you and give you advice.
www.laleche.org.uk/

Secondly, although she is feeding slowly, please don't worry too much.
She is still very small and is not yet strong. As she grows her feeding strength will increase.
You need someone to check her latch and make sure she is correctly attached. Maybe the intake of air is due to that.

I understand that it is unbelievably tiring.
You MUST look after yourself in order to be able to look after your baby.
You must not miss meals.
I became an expert at single-handed eating while BFing my DCs. I was forever sitting at the table eating with a baby latched on at the same time.
Even a sandwich, which can be eaten while sitting on the sofa is better than nothing.
You also need to keep up your fluid intake to avoid dehydration.

Don't worry about the house work.
Nobody will think the less of you for having a messy house under such circumstances. Just let your DH worry about that on the weekend, while you worry about yourself and your baby.

[cockle84]

have you tried winding her before she feeds to make sure there's no wind in her system making it painful to feed. My baby used to takes ages to feed but they get quicker as they get older. My baby really struggles with wind and it is very stressful but sounds like you're doing a great job! Also try putting the bottle into her mouth quite firmly so it replicates your breast pushing against her. Has your husband tried giving the bottle-that could help so she can't smell your milk. Good luck. I'm sure everything will come together soon. X

[HappyHollydays]

Oh bungle your dd sounds so much like mine did after a traumatic delivery. I am so sorry you're going through this. It's not right that you are so unsupported.

I am not an expert but I can tell you what worked for us.

DD seemed to cry no matter what we did. I couldn't put her down and was also encouraged to top up buy a breastfeeding counsellor told me would be the end of bf and in her opinion our DD didn't need it.

We took DD to a cranial osteopath for some treatment. She said this behaviour was common in babies after traumatic births. DD was forceps delivered and had some painful moulding on her head which the osteo worked on. DD was better after 1 session but like a different baby after 3 (we couldn't take her for more due to distance).

I also discovered baby slings and carriers and kept DD close. This seemed to encourage her to feed lots and kept her calm.

We also did lots of skin to skin, bed, bath etc. She was very calm in the bath with me and sometimes it was the only was she'd feed.

Is she gaining weight? Plenty of wet nappies?

I would also recommend seeing a bfc about the top ups issue. LLL are very good, they will recognise if topping up is needed but are also amazingly supportive of mothering issues generally not just bf. Building a real life network of support will help enormously.

Keep posting on MN for support too, it kept me sane in the early days (my first post was about feeling so trapped by a crying baby I couldn't comfort that I wanted to walk out and never come back).

I'll keep listening if you want to talk x

[Disco1975]

Hi there. Congratulations on the birth of your DD! I've never posted any advice on here before but you sound really desperate so I'll just tell you what helped me in the early days.

I found breastfeeding quite difficult to start with but what helped me was to start expressing. Try to get the best pump you can (I had been given a Medela one by a friend) and express a little after each feed. It will help to increase your supply and also mean that your DH can feed the little one a bottle in the evening to give you a break.

Also, check in your local area if there is a breastfeeding support group you could get to. You'll get lots of help there from feeding support workers as well as giving you a focus for getting out of the house and meeting other new mums who are going through the same thing. You also won't have to worry if you are feeding the whole time you are there. At my local group they even supplied a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit!

You should find that when the baby starts feeding well she'll be more settled and may even sleep a bit longer! That was my experience anyway. My DS is now 8 months old and life is a lot easier than in those early days so keep going and you'll get through it. Hope that helps!

[HappyHollydays]

Yes ruthchan has great advice too.

Sandwich wrapped in the fridge before your dh leaves for work so you can just grab it when you need to feed etc.

A sports bottle of water to keep nearby so you stay hydrated and go easy on yourself. It's all new, you're having a hard time. You should be able to rely on HCPs for support but LLL helped fill that gap for me.

[BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte]

I agree with everything already said.

Firstly, sod the housework. Your DD and you are the priority. Could you afford to few sessions of a cleaner?

Secondly, look after yourself. Being underfed and stressed will not help your milk production. Even if you end up eating a few too many takeaways or ready meals, it'd still be better than simply missing meals. And is there anything that your DH or family or friends could do to help you relax? Might just an hour in a hot bath help? It could be that the way you're feeling is inhibiting the oxytocin necessary for the let-down reflex to start the milk flow, and this may be why DD is taking so long to feed.

Thirdly, your DD. It sounds as though you need some better support and more focused advice, and it's a real shame your HV isn't being more helpful. Topping up with formula does work for some women, but it does reduce your milk supply and so may create a vicious circle of making breastfeeding even more difficult for you. Even though you can't afford private healthcare, could you afford a doula?

Really feel for you. Please, keep posting...

[MigGril]

With such a slow weight gain I think it's improtant you see or at lest talk to a Breast feeding counciler. These are trained volantires who are experst at helping with feeding problems.

Taking a long time to feed and slow weight gain makes' me think it's a poor latch but you can't really tell unless your seen by some one. So ring one of these helplines

National Breastfeeding Helpline
0300 100 0212

The Breastfeeding Network Supporterline
0300 100 0210

NCT Breastfeeding Helpline
0300 330 0771

La Leche League Helpline
0845 120 2918

Association of Breastfeeding Mothers
08444 122 949

There may also be a drop in group in your local area, ask your HV if they know of one. Or you could try your local sure start centure they offten have drop in groups. You could also check out the BFN's web site www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/support-centres.html to see if we have a group local to you.

There is also a really good website hear www.kellymom.com/bf/index.html with lots of great advice on breastfeeding. You don't have to top up with a bottle has anyone measioned cup feeding? You don't need to use formula either if you can express then breastmilk is the best thing to top up with as it will preseve your supply untill you can get some propper BF help.

I do feel you really need some real life help if your not getting this through your HPC then please do try these volantry groups they are all there to help.
Good luck

[matana]

Oh i am so, so sorry you're having such a hard time.

Firstly, your DD is putting on weight, she's just putting it on slowly. So you're doing something right. I am not convinced when people advise women to 'top up' with formula. Not because i think it's poison but because they've chosen to breastfeed and should be supported to continue if that's what they want to do. Besides which, topping up means your milk production will always lag behind your DD's needs. As tiring as it is at first, you need to feed little and often to build up your supply. Are there any breastfeeding cafes near you or do you have a number for a breasfeeding support counselor? Talking to other women will also help - and the breastfeeding cafes will help you get out of the house.

You must eat properly yourself, this is so, so important because it's tied in so much with how you feel. Can your DP make up a big batch of pasta, or bolognaise sauce etc etc over the weekend so you can grab something? Bananas are also really good for energy and very quick to grab.

Yes, invest in a sling. Your DD will love being close to you. Consider co-sleeping so you can get more sleep at night too. Ask for help from family and friends.

It does get easier - you've just had an awful start and no support. If you can get the feeding sorted everything else will fall into place.

Good luck.

[Allegrogirl]

We had a similar experience with our DD1 and felt very let down by HCPs. Told to top up by MV but not how and when. She was eventually diagnosed with reflux at nearly 4 months. Do you have any breast feeding support groups locally? You will hopefully find some practical advice from peer supporters. Ours also have a bf friendly MW or HV at each meeting.

Is there another HV you can see? We have various clinics locally and as I don't like our HV I shopped around until I found one I did like.

I eventually took DD1 to a cranial osteopath at 3 months. It cost about £100 for 4 treatments but it was totally worth it. What a difference. I also used a sling all day to keep DD1 close which really helped.

Having been there I really feel for you. It's not your fault and it will get better. Don't worry at all about routines for now. Your baby will grow out of this and will be happier. It will start to come together for you.

I'm almost in tears remembering the first first months with DD1. She's an extremely robust 3 year old now. DD2 was a doddle in comparison and made me finally see that out earlier problems were not my fault.

[Chipotle]

I have nothing to add that other posters haven't said already.. just want to send rounding very UN-mumsnet hugs.
Maybe post in your local section a fellow mum with or without breastfeeding advice might be able to visit you, meet you for coffee and a chat?

[Chipotle]

'rounding'???? Should read 'you'!

[Birdsnotbees]

OP where are you? If you're near me I'll come visit. Your post had me in tears - you sound like you're having such a tough time & I remember what it was like for me with DS.

others have said, but I expressed and syringe fed DS as he was prem, jaundiced & such a slow feeder - it meant he could get more milk down before he got tired.

By all means use formula thru a syringe - we did that too for a few weeks when he got v bad jaundice. And I pumped every 2 hours to maintain my supply, adding what ebm I got to the mix.

Do seek further help. Sadly the NHS seems only to work on a 'he who shouts the loudest gets help' basis. Don't be polite. Don't take no for an answer (& apologies if you've done this already).

Big hugs - you sound like a brilliant mum.

[Pesephone]

I absolutely recomend you get along to see a Breast Feeding Councelor, the majority of health care profesionals know next to nothing about breast feeding or worse they think they know some things but are just spreading myths and misinformation. I second re posting this in breast and bottlefeeding too there are some really great posters in there who could help you.
slings are superb for settling a fussy baby and help with breastfeeding too.
And try to remember you are not a bad parent or a faliure you are the victim of system which fails to support mothers properly. volunteer support groups are brilliant and a qualified bfc can make all the difference to your bf relationship. :) take care.

[BlameItOnTheBogey]

There's much better advice than I could hope to offer already posted here but one thing I would say is to accept that you are going to spend a lot of time sitting on the sofa for a few weeks. Maybe most of the day. Once you give in to that and set yourself up with food and water at hand and some good DVDs then psychologically it gets a lot better. If you need to sit and feed her for hours then do that. Then let her sleep on you until she wakes up and wants to feed again. I did this with DD until she was about 8 weeks old.

Good luck - it sounds really tough.

[TheBluthCompany]

Not an expert - but I agree with lots of the suggestions here. Cranial osteopathy or cranial-sacro therapy can help after a traumatic birth.

Sling during the day to keep her close. you might want to try a few different ones if you can to find one she likes to be in, but wraps are generally good with newborns.

Co-sleeping can make a real difference, especially if you can feed her lying down. Check out safe co-sleeping guidlines.

To help her poo you could try holding her legs up, or holding her against your chest, facing out, with her legs up, so that she is in an upright, squat position which may help her go. Also baby massage can help - there are videos on line which show how to do this to help relieve wind and get things moving.

See if you can get to a bf support group or phone one of those helplines - they are often better than (some) HVs or midwives.

Finally, you are doing a fab job. Hang on in there. Things will get better.

[BungleBonce]

Thank you everyone. I have my hands full (when don't I?) but I will read your lovely messages properly when I can.

I have been to a feeding session and been told everything is fine (although she was asleep for almost all of it). But when I express using an electric pump, even in the morning or a while after a feed, I never get more than 1oz. That is what prompted my GP's advice to top up. I simply am not producing a lot. I really agree breast is best and I know the argument that in less developed countries that is the only option, but don't those countries also have appallingly high infant mortality rates? I just feel that the NHS and all the support networks discourage formula feeding rather than encourage breastfeeding. I am already upset at having to supplement her feeds, but cannot see another way. My midwives didn't even look at how she fed. They just glanced, said it looked fine and filled out their notes. I had the same in the hospital - boxes on my notes ticked to say my sheets were changed, water supplied, etc, etc, and none of it actually happened.

We are in London. All the services here seem horribly over-stretched.

I called the national breastfeeding helpline. The lady was lovely, but it still doesn't help me produce more milk. :(

My husband makes breakfast and dinner and leaves all the things I need for lunch, but I still struggle to pull myself away. And I have a stomach ache and feel sick all the time because I am so stressed by it all.

I will repost this in the feeding section as advised.

Thank you again all.

[Marabou]

I'm so sorry to read you're having such a desperate time; being a first time mummy of a 9-week-old I really feel for you!

Unfortunately I don't have the wisdom to provide much advice, but I just wanted to send you some hugs and well wishes.

I'm exclusively breastfeeding, but I pump every day to let my DH to give DS his final meal of the day after his evening bath. DS has reflux and I bought a breastflow-bottle (www.breastflow.co.uk/) on the advice of someone on here and I've noticed that it really helps. There is another bottle as well, which works like a breast, but unfortunately I don't remember what it's called and I bought the breastflow one, because it was a little cheaper..

I'm sure it will get easier in time! X

[Birdsnotbees]

I can only express tiny amounts too - it's not an indication of how much milk you are producing (if that's what you're worried about)? Have you asked for advice on mix feeding?

[GruffaloMama]

I'm so sorry you're not being supported properly by your HCPs. There is some great advice here - I second Kellymom and also the BFing helplines. They really helped me. You might need to leave a message but they always called back. The NCT also have a Post-natal helpline on 0300 330 0773 (as well as the BFing one) that may be able to help you talk through your concerns and difficulties.

Secondly I just wanted to say that the first few weeks are desperately hard (even if you didn't have the additional trauma of a difficult delivery). I thought I went into it with my eyes open but I couldn't have possibly understood how tough it would be. There is a real low point a few weeks in - IME any first-time parents who tells you that they didn't have a stage when they looked at each other and wondered 'what did we do?' are lying. It doesn't matter how much the baby might be wanted and is loved - the first month felt like a desperate battle. You deserve a bloody big hug and to know that even by seeking out help and support you are doing the best thing for you and your little one.

Practically:
I agree with other posters about keeping your food levels up - it won't affect your milk supply (you'll keep on producing as much milk as your baby needs irrespective) but it will make you feel better. I like the idea of your DH making up 'packed lunches' in the fridge - they could be leftovers from dinner that you can heat up and eat one-handed or sandwiches. Also having snacks you can grab - yoghurts/nuts/dried fruit/cheese and biccies/choc/fruit juices kept me going on days when even getting out of my pjs seemed like a major achievement.
Try to get out every day. Even into the garden. See other humans if you can. BF cafes are great or you might find that there's a local NCT / Netmums or other group that organise coffee mornings. The groups tend to be smaller than 'big' toddler groups etc and therefore easier to contemplate in the early days. They wouldn't blink if you arrive halfway through and feed all the time you're there.
Take any chance to sleep - or lie down. The housework will wait. It REALLY doesn't matter. Ask the BF counsellor to show you how to feed lying down.

Please be kind to yourself. Big hugs.

[cockle84]

try drinking a pint of water with every feed. Might help to increase your milk supply. X

[RuthChan]

Please don't judge how much milk you are producing by how much you can pump.
When I pumped, I never got more than 30ml from both breasts. This seemed like a tiny amount.
However, neither of my DCs ever went hungry.
Babies are far more efficient at expressing milk than a pump is and they tend to get a lot more out.

I completely agree with everyone who has mentioned slings.
They are fabulous for keeping baby close and quiet while you go about your day. Once you can get off the sofa you will find that she nods off in the comfort of your sling while allowing you to have your hands free.

One tip for the pooing. When my two were tiny and seemed in pain, it really helped them if they lay on their backs and I moved their legs in a bicycle motion. It seems to help the movement through the bowels.

[MoonFaceMamaaaaargh]

op, i'm so sorry you are having such a rubbish time.

As others say, please do not see pumping as an indication of supply. It isn't. And by thinking it is your gp has revealled that they know nothing about bf. It's rare that they do.

From what you say here i don't think there is any reason to think you can't get back to ebf. You need help from a bfc, either in rl or on here (tiktok).

Eat any old crap that makes you feel good. It does not affect your milk.

Has your lo been checked for a tongue tie?

[spiggy]

Don't judge your supply on what you can express. I had a massive oversupply with DS1 (I would leak constantly- through breastpads, bra, t-shirt and jumper in 5 mins) but could not get the bloody stuff out with a breastpump. I would have been made up with 1oz (especially after a feed)

DS1 was also an unhappy baby- what he needed was to be close at all times. Co-sleeping, sling wearing, anything that meant he could touch me. It was much easier when I stopped fighting it and did what he needed. Co-sleeping was particularly good as I could feed lying down. Both of us could sleep then and I started getting 4 hour blocks of sleep (previously he had gone 20 mins at most) Co-bathing is good as well when they are fussy. Nice warm bath and baby on your chest so they can feed. DS1 loved his "poolside cocktails" as DP called it!

Expert help with the bfing will help identify any probs. DS gulped a lot and it was because I had a very forceful let down. Once I knew what the problem was I sorted it in 2 days.

Good Luck- it is truely horrible when you are going through it but it WILL get better. Hope you get the help you need.