Feeling lost with an unhappy newborn

[BungleBonce]

I am here because I am utterly lost. After a traumatic arrival (failed induction two weeks early because she was transverse, emergency caesarean and cardiac arrest), our five-week-old little girl is struggling to put on weight. She was 6lb, 1oz and is still under 7lb. I am desperate to breastfeed but have been told by my GP and a lone helpful nurse to try topping up with formula.

But she refuses both bottle and breast, screams all day even when held, and feeds so slowly I am sometimes tied to the sofa for 12 hours. She wakes herself from sleep regularly with sharp cries. Neither of us can sleep. I am getting maybe 4 hours per day. I am exhausted.

My health visitor will not visit, my midwives discharged me despite my tearful protestations that all is not well, and my GP is well meaning but just sends me away with advice to get her weighed regularly.

My husband is doing the meals and housework but he is also back at work, and I have no family or friends to help out. I miss meals because I am trying to comfort her and the house is a mess. I barely get out because I am terrified of not being able to feed her should she need it. I cannot feed her outside because she is so slow. I think she takes in too much air, which gives her pain, but she cannot get it out despite all our efforts. She also holds in her No. 2s until the end of the day, which seems to give her pain. That?s the only routine she has.

She is so unhappy and no one will help. No one will tell me how to administer top ups (what formula, how much, when, what technique) and I am being made to feel like a failure as a human being for not being able to produce enough milk. I would love to exclusively breastfeed but she was getting dangerously small. Even with the top ups she is still screaming and uncomfortable and not sleeping.

We cannot afford private healthcare but the NHS does not want to know about us.

We do not want our old lives back. We do not want a routine. We just want our baby to feed, put on weight and just look content once in a while. We have never been as tired or as unhappy and we are both tearfully ashamed at our dark our thoughts toward her are.

What can I do? Can anyone help?

Argh! I just typed a long message and the site timed out me.

Thanks everyone. Some of the advice is really helpful and the support is greatly appreciated. I feel completely abandoned by the medical professionals who are supposed to be helping me through this time (and the lack of family and friends nearby is a double whammy).

I have been expressing to try keep up my supply while we do the top up formula. I use an electric pump and have also expressed by hand. But it takes me several goes to get enough for a single feed. It's also quite exhausting - feeding on demand, following with a top up and trying to find some time to express, particularly as she just won't settle at all.

Reflux is definitely ringing a bell, coraltoes. She arches her back, screams and pulls on and off during feeds, which go on forever. Then, instead of being content, she cries. She also screams in her sleep, when she does sleep, which is very little. She'll only settle in the moby sling we bought. My husband has her in it now after she has spent all day crying. It's incredibly upsetting for us that we just can't seem to help her.

Will take her back to the GP on Monday and press for some action. Have also made note of the UCH walk-in, thanks skandi1, and will take her there if the GP fobs us off. Contemplating the weekend before that is very daunting. I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.

I'm still breastfeeding at 15 months and DS is thriving so he must be getting enough. But let me tell you this I have never been able to express even 1oz (multiple breast pumps have been tried). Don't worry that you don't get much when you express... Your baby is much more efficient than a great pump.

i am so sorry you are having such a hard time - you've brought me right back to the first couple of months with dd... you've had good advice here, i'm going to second your seeing a lactation consultant (really, hvs and gps are well meaning but don't know anything about breast feeding), and cutting out dairy to see if it helps - dd had cmp sensitivity and when i took dairy out of my diet it really, really helped, we thought she had colic but it stopped pretty much immediately. also, if you are worried about your milk supply, you could try taking fenugreek capsules for a few days: it'll make you smell like a curry house, but it worked for me. kellymom is a really helpful website.

good luck, this bit will pass, honestly.

I would definitely echo what others have said about reflux - the behaviour you are describing sounds familiar, both my DD and my DS have had it, and it is absolutely soul destroying, plus hcps don't always take it seriously as they say "they'll grow out of it" - guess not many of them have had to feed a screaming baby for hours at a time .

A book I found really useful, which has a large section on reflux is "The Sensational Baby Sleep Plan" by Alison Scott-Wright - I got a copy from the local library. It has a five page list of potential indicators for reflux that you could run through with useless GP (this is what I did, and refused to leave without some kind of prescription).

I would expect them to prescribe Gaviscon on its own first "to see if that sorts it out" (IME it hasn't, albeit on a limited sample of 2 babies), before starting on ranitidine and/or domperidone, or potentially Losec. My DS is now nearly 4 months, and is so much more settled now (on gaviscon and ranitidine), so there is hope

A couple of things which may help in the short term - i) offering a dummy - stimulates saliva production which dilutes acid in the oesophagus ii) putting baby to sleep on tummy (with a movement monitor) - something suggested by Alison Scott-Wright - controversial, but has worked for us.

Hope things improve soon

Sorry, haven't read whole thread, but...

Topping-up doesn't have to be the start of a 'slippery slope' (as some would see it) to FFing. MY first baby was v small, fractious, a terrible sleeper and a truly hopeless feeder. I read so many books (alas, mostly crap ones ) in his first few weeks, as I was pegged to the sofa for hours at a time. If I wasn't doing that, I was pounding the streets trying to get him to sleep.

I topped up with formula for the first 6-8 weeks as he lost so much weight after birth, and regained it v slowly. In the meantime I went to a drop-in BFing clinic weekly for support and the chance to offload a bit to the lovely women who worked in it and struggled on with BFing. Like you, I wasn't able to get much out by expressing (plus I absolutely hated it, and couldn't face it after having had DS attached to me for so much of the day and night).

It finally started to come together when he was about 8-9 weeks - he started getting better at feeding (or maybe I was positioning him better, making sure he was supported, had straight neck etc), feeding more efficiently and then being fuller and more content. At which point, I was able to ditch the top-ups, which was good as I found bottles a faff and really wanted to BF.

You sound so down (not at all surprising, you must be so exhausted ) - I'm so sorry that your introduction to motherhood has been so traumatic - it's really hard to deal with when it's like that, plus the inevitable guilt on top. I really feel for you, and remember it vividly from when DS1 was born. I really hope that you get some proper help and things start to pick up for you all.

As a new mum I can't attempt to add to the advice you have already been given. But I did have a really tough time the first few weeks with my dd and just wanted to say it does get better. It is clear how much you care about your baby and that is the most important thing.

I hope you get the support you need in terms of the health care professionals ASAP.

In terms of not having friends or family close by. If you feel you have no one to talk to and you don't feel ready to go to local groups and meet mums (I totally understand given your birth and current worries) you have found mumsnet! So come here and let it all out. It has helped me and many others that I know.

Wishing you all the best.

I really sympathise. my dd was traumatic delivery, fed every 2 hrs for an hour. please beleive this will get better, you just have to get through this even if it takes a while. eat cereal & ready meals one handed. husband can do house work when he gets back.

what worked for us was osteopathic childrens centre www.occ.uk.com/
they are a charity, knowledgable and won't tie you to more appointments than you need. two appointments did it for us.

I second getting feeding help.

OK... totally exhausted but slightly relieved update. Baby's condition got so distressing last night - gaping for air, wheezing and refusing food - that my husband called 999 for an ambulance. The paramedics were great and told us we had done the right thing. They gave her oxygen and took us to hospital, where she was quickly diagnosed with silent reflux. We got back home about 3 am this morning. My husband is going back shortly to pick up her medication (pharmacy was closed last night), so fingers crossed this makes a difference for her. I will try respond to some of the lovely people here when we've had some rest, but thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. Some of the comments were really reassuring.

God I remember not knowing how I would survive the coming day, or the days stretching away before the next appointment...

Anyway, can I second all the people who are suggesting you give cranial osteopathy a try? We didn't get a miracle cure like some, but it certainly helped DS1 to calm down as a baby.

Am so glad that you have some answers and that things should get better from now on. Keep us updated.

Bugle just wanted to add my support. It's terrible that things got so bad you needed emergency help but I'm really pleased for you that you finally got some real help! I hope the medication helps and things start to settle down for you. Having a new baby is tough, especially when you're so isolated. I'm in similar situation with my family all in another country and in-laws across the country and I've found it really, really tough at times. I really hope this is a turning point for you .

I'm so sorry that you had to get to that situation in order to get the help that you need. I really hope that your DD now goes from strength to strength and you continue to have the support of the hospital.

bungle there are many potential reasons for reflux, and while medication may well help and give you the break you need right now, when things settle a bit you may find yourself in a place where you can try to get to the bottom of it.

I would highly recommend an appointment with Ann Dobson (www.ann-dobson.co.uk). She is an IBCLC (properly qualified lactation consultant) who specialises in tongue tie (very few people are able to actually work out whether this is a problem, so even though you've been told she's not got one, it's worth getting Ann to check) and also in the kinds of physical stresses that babies are put under when they are lying the wrong way in utero, and are pulled around by a traumatic delivery.

All these things (including tongue tie) can cause reflux. By treating the underlying cause you may be able to stop the reflux, get her feeding well and and not have to use medications. Other reasons for reflux include cow's milk protein intolerance so if you can keep breastfeeding, and at some point stop the formula top-ups, you can remove the cow's milk protein from her diet. You may find that dropping anything with dairy in from your diet (including foods with "whey" in, or skimmed milk powder, etc - read the ingredients list) helps her.

With regards to the milk you're making, as many people have said, the amount you can express is totally unrelated to the amount you're making. However, as she's struggling to feed it's likely despite her endless feeding sessions she's not telling your body to make enough milk. The good news is that given everything you've said, it sounds like if your milk supply is low, it's because of the feeding problems, rather than a low milk supply causing the feeding problems - and therefore once the underlying problems are solved your body should be able to make enough milk quite happily.

In the meantime, you are not alone, and this will be resolved. You have been through an incredibly bad time and it is not supposed to be like this. It will get better, one step at a time.

op i had similar trauma with my last baby now 5 months,tough delivery em c section,poor feeder,cleft palate,reflux and eventual pneumonia.I felt deperate and so unhappy and all the things you describe,i wished id never had her and cried all the time.hated my life and wanted to run away.
Now ill tell you the interesting bit, SHE IS MY 5TH BABY,if it got to me i can only imagine how you feel.I am an old veteran but reflux almost broke me.
The good news is that after getting the right meds and some high cal milk to help with the weight gain she and i couldnt be happier,id say it had got easier by about 8 weeks.Can you say where you are?Im sure someone close by would help you out with bit of hand holding.Hang in there tho,having a baby is extremely stressfull and a big shock but i promise it will get better.

Hope you and you DD are doing okay OP.

You've done so well to get to 5wks without giving up already. I ended up in A&E with my DD when she was 2 days old as she hadn't eaten anything. She has been on formula ever since because I got paranoid about her getting enough to eat. Sounds like you're working really hard to make BF work. You should be very proud of yourself for that.

Can your HV put you in touch with someone from HOMESTART that can help you feel a bit more on top of things to give you the energy to stick with it.

I second someone's advice to get to your local Children's Centre. Mine was a real life line in the early days and I've since made some really good friends there. (And trust me, I'm really not a baby-group type of person!!)

I found plastic cuttlery, paper plates, petrol station sandwiches, cartons of juice and cereal bars got me through the early weeks. Anything I could eat, drink and not have clear up after.

Which part of London are you in? I'm up in herts if you're nearby.

Sorry to hear it had to end with a trip to hospital in ambulance. However pleased to hear you finally got the help you needed.

Silent reflux is treated very successfully with medication. My only experience of it is through friends with reflux babies. Can't offer much advice other than the medication can take a little time to fully work. And sometimes you need to try a couple of differernt combinations before it's 100% effective.

There is an excellent MN silent reflux support thread on here. There you will find lots of fellow mums who have been there. They will have advice on medication and tips on other stuff like keeping baby upright 20mins after feeds and the dairy intolerance which has been mentioned by others here.

Once you have it under control, you will see a very happy baby emerging.

Wish you all the best.

There's loads of support here, and I didn't read every post in detail, but as soon as you feel up to it see if you can find an nct (nhs) post-natal group. There's nothing more supportive than a group of other mothers with similar worries.

I'm glad you've got medication. I also want to second cranial osteopathy - it's gentle and has amazing results for babies who have had traumatic births.

My dd was a nightmare - her birth was very quick and battered her a bit, she then had horrendous colic from the age of 2 weeks. It was hard, hard work and I felt like I was underwater never able to come up for air (I also had a 1 1/2 year old to contend with!). She's now almost 4 years old and a happy, bright amazing little girl. You and your little girl will get there.

And SOD the housework!

Let us know how you're getting on.

Hi - oh, your post sounds exactly like me 9 months ago! Please believe me when I say that this time WILL pass and you will all-too-soon have a bouncing, crawling, laughing baby.

My LO had weight issues for months. I called the NCT breastfeeding counsellor in my area and she came round my house, listened to my birth experience over and over, held me when I cried, checked LO for tongue tie and helped me with the latch.

I too was determined to BF and refused to top up with formula. I felt horribly undermined by healthcare professionals who kept telling me to give formula, while handing me 'breast is best' leaflets.

What I did: I fed every two hours in the day, and every three at night. I pumped whenever I had the energy to increase supply (never got more than 20mls but assumed this was a good thing as baby must have had the rest). I also took fenugreek tablets and ate loads of porridge - oats are good for supply. I also took LO to several cranial osteopathy sessions but I think he is the only baby in the world who doesn't appear to have been helped by them! I carried baby in a sling and co-slept.

I also read Dr Sears' website about High needs babies and this really helped lessen the guilt I felt that my son was so distressed.

Some babies just struggle to cotton on to what they are supposed to be doing on the outside more than others. Mine was very unsettled until for about 3-4 months but one day it was like he just decided to accept that he wasn't going to be let back inside and everything picked up. He's still darn hard work, mind you, but brings great joy with it. Hang in there! xx

Sorry that I haven't read the whole thread, but I'm another who would like to recommend cranial osteopathy - from the sounds of some of your LO's behaviour (struggling to sleep, hyper-alertness, severe upset when laying down), is sounds like she could really benefit from a few sessions.

In fact, I've read on a website that midwives actually recommend that all children have one session as it can't do any harm, but can do the world of good, especially for babies that had a traumatic birth.

Our DS hardly slept, and screamed all day, every day for the first 8 weeks of his life. After one session he was a completely different child, it was unbelievable. We went to the Brackenbury clinic in West London (Hammersmith) if that helps.

I hope your DD improves soon, I know how utterly exhausting and debilitating it can be when nothing you do seems to work. Good luck!

Hi Bonce, you poor lady!

I sympathise with you SO much. We didn't have anything that severe but I do remember moments when I thought I might throw my baby out the window. All that crying and back arching. Oh dear!!

For us, it was simply a matter of time and our daughter grew out of that phase.

A friend had similar difficulties to you and everything improved when she put her daughter on formula.

Anyway, I don't really have any advice apart from THINGS WILL GET BETTER.

Where are you in London? I'm also in London and am Australian. If you fancy a chat some time, email me directly on [email protected]

BungleBonce has the medication helped your DD?

Personally, I wouldn't go anywhere near a bfing counsellor they'll just tell you not to give formula.
BF as much as you can. Eat lots of protein! Get some DVD's.
Buy a few single cartons of formula and see which one she likes the best.
Make sure you warm it before using - a little warmer than skin temp.
Use a very slow teat and feed her slightly upright.
Make an appointment here if you're in london. Its cheap and it did help my very collicky first born (I'm now on DC3)
www.occ.uk.com
Have a nice big glass of wine every evening.

It'll probably be a very bad memory in a few weeks time x

Hi - lots of great advice here. I just wanted to also recommend a sling of you don't have one. Dd loves her baby bjorn and they are very cheap on eBay. Also re being sofa bound, I've found making up flasks of herbal tea invaluable whilst BF. I get 4 large cups out of my thermos - keeps me well hydrated.

Hoping things improve for you all very soon
Xx

Hi everyone,
Again, thank you for the support, and apologies for the delayed reply. The wee one and I were actually admitted to hospital on Thursday morning when she was checked in clinic and found not to have gained weight.
We were just discharged this afternoon when I begged to come home. I couldn't bear another night without support of husband (DH?), even though a couple of lovely night nurses would spirit her away for a few hours each night. We also weren't allowed out of our room because she's not immunised yet, which made it all a little claustrophobic.
But she had her meds upped while we were there and her feeds were monitored. Still doing combination feeds, which are best for her at the moment.
We're seeing some signs of improvement, which is good news, but I know there's still no overnight solution.
We do have a babybjorn, which we've found invaluable in the days before we went to hospital. She'd been too small to use it before that, but it's rapidly becoming our go-to when she won't settle.
Will definitely check out that osteopathy centre that a few of you have recommended.