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To expect DD to report dope brought into school?

(167 Posts)
valhala Wed 30-Sep-09 22:50:57

DD1 (14) told me tonight that a girl in her year brought "£5 worth of pot into school today". We have had serious words as she doesn't want to inform the school of this, saying it's not her business, not her problem, she doesn't want to tell tales on the girl and that the pot belongs to the girl's brother anyway (who is not a pupil but at a college) so its not an issue.

I think it IS an issue. Sure, it happens everywhere, from Eton to the worst comps, but if no-one takes a stand we have only ourselves to blame when drug abuse escalates amongst our youngsters, both in and out of school. I have explained, not for the first time in her life, that small-time drug abuse/thinking its cool can lead to far greater problems and although its not necessarily a case of "Dope today, heroin tomorrow", it can be.

I'm also disappointed in DD as I have brought her up to know that drugs are dangerous, often giving the example of a relative who is a very violent, unpleasant addict with a long criminal record as a result, and I expect a better sense of responsibility from DD than this. I'm tempted here to say a social conscience, but don't want to sound too up myself!

AIBU?

colditz Wed 30-Sep-09 22:52:56

YABU

She's 14, as far as she is concerned, she HAS reported it. She's reported it to YOU.

It's YOUR choice now what happens, you're the adult.

cornsilk Wed 30-Sep-09 22:53:15

I wouldn't expect a 14 year old to report that TBH. We look at it with different eyes as adults.

cornsilk Wed 30-Sep-09 22:54:58

Good point colditz. It's great that she's speaking to you about it.

valhala Wed 30-Sep-09 22:55:41

Fair point Colditz and Cornsilk. Would you report it if you were me?

KembleTwins Wed 30-Sep-09 22:56:19

YANBU to expect her to report it - and she has - to you. YAB a bit U to expect her to march straight to the headteacher and report it there - she is 14 and will, fairly naturally, have concerns about being found out as the one who told tales. She doubtless does understand that drugs are dangerous and should not be in school, but that doesn't mean that she is confident eonough to speak out about it publicly. She has told you, and, if I were you, I would now inform the school myself. I totally agree with you that drugs have no place at all in a school, and the child in question should not have had them in school at all - for whatever reason (invented or otherwise) Most schools will have a zero tolerance policy. I assume that you DD was not the only student who saw/knew about this, and so if you report it to the school yourself, there is no reason she would be suspected as the source - I would imagine this is her main concern.

alwayslookingforanswers Wed 30-Sep-09 22:56:49

I would report it - drugs (even dope) can have horrible consequences.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 30-Sep-09 22:57:00

Your DD is 14 which is old enough to have opinions and to have them respected. She doesn't want to be a grass and it isn;t her business. £5 of cannibis is NOT a big deal, and if you do something officious like ring the school and grass up this other girl yourself you will be doing a whole lot of unecessary damage - to the other girl's prospects, to your DD's standing with her peer group and above all to your DD's trust in you.

3littlefrogs Wed 30-Sep-09 22:57:03

She did a brave thing telling you. She was probably hoping you would deal with it discreetly without dragging her into it.

Please - think carefully - if you rant and rave at her she will never confide in you again.

She is 14 - you have several years of this kind of challenge ahead of you. you need to work with her, not have a go at her.

colditz Wed 30-Sep-09 22:57:54

I'm not you ... my personal belief is that pot is a good deal less damaging than alcohol. HOWEVER. Given the age of the young people involved, I think I would have to report it, but try to do it so your daughter cannot be identified.

addictedtomn Wed 30-Sep-09 22:58:59

i actually agree with colditz, she told you about it. you could always ring up the shcool and report it yourself.

she probably doesnt want to be a tattle tale, but if you tell the school then when/if her friends find out it was you who told she can blame her 'uncool non understanding' parents and not loose face iyswim.

valhala Wed 30-Sep-09 22:59:07

Dopey me, I didn't see it from the viewpoint that DD was bringing my attention to it and effectively reporting it to me. Remiss of me, my only excuse being that my brain is filled and addled with dealing with school over her younger sister's bullying problems.

Thank you for pointing this out to me, its a valuable lesson.

Squishabelle Wed 30-Sep-09 22:59:58

YABU Reporting this isnt going to stop anything. Its a widespread problem. As long as your DD knows the dangers involved then I think thats enough. Dont be disppointed in her for not wanting to tell tales.

addictedtomn Wed 30-Sep-09 23:00:00

gha, i'm too slow a typer xpsted with just about everyone!

alwayslookingforanswers Wed 30-Sep-09 23:00:37

colditz - the paranoia and other consequences of dope use can be just as bad as the effects of alcohol. There is little to choose between the two of them, except one is legal and the other isn't, both have potentially awful side effects.

Squishabelle Wed 30-Sep-09 23:01:23

I completely agree with SGB. It really isnt such a big deal.

cornsilk Wed 30-Sep-09 23:01:33

I would report it yes - but I would not want my child identified.

valhala Wed 30-Sep-09 23:03:24

Btw, DD refused to name the girl involved, saying just that she is a friend but not a close one. I can believe that relationship as over the few months she has been in this school I have not met or heard of a friend with a brother in the college mentioned by DD so suspect that the girl is more aquaintance than close buddy.

valhala Wed 30-Sep-09 23:04:46

Sorry, by explaining that DD refused to give the name, I meant to add that therefore if I did report it, the staff would have to call DD in to talk with them. Hmmm....

colditz Wed 30-Sep-09 23:05:51

yes they do, but I think I'd equally report someone lugging around a half bottle of Vodka aged 14.

If they are stupid enough to get it out at school, they are probably too stupid to use it safely.

saying that...

If I thought for one second this would backfire onto my daughter, I would keep my mouth tight. £5 of dope is not worth 2 years of being labeled a snitch and a grass.

alwayslookingforanswers Wed 30-Sep-09 23:06:58

what so if something illegal, and potentially dangerous is widespread we shouldn't bother reporting it - because it's widespread?

alwayslookingforanswers Wed 30-Sep-09 23:08:18

£5 of dope today, another £5 2 days later, £10 worth the next week........

and the concern about it not being used safely is EXACTLY why I would report it.

nancy75 Wed 30-Sep-09 23:08:43

i would not report it if there was any chance that your dd could be found out to be the one that had brought it up. 14 year old girls can be horrible and this is the kind of thing that could lead to her being bullied and loosing friends. i also think you would lose her trust

KembleTwins Wed 30-Sep-09 23:09:32

Possibly, but a sensitive teacher/ sensible school would have ways of dealing with it. I used to work for a school in London with a fab headteacher and a lot of serious problems, but she had ways and means - bringing it up in assembly, reminding kids of "no tolerance" attitude, and so on. We had real problems at this time of year with fireworks being thrown around inside the building, so she would do random (voluntary, obviously, but went with "if you have nothing to hide you have no need to object") bag and pocket checks and so on. If it was, as your DD says, a fairly small amount, then perhaps a general "chat" with Yr 10 (9? Not sure which your DD is in) will be a sufficient deterrant, espcecially if it's coupled with threats of things being taken much more seriously if anything comes to light again. If you're concerned, phone the school. And make it clear your DD is not to be involved with any "investigation"

valhala Wed 30-Sep-09 23:09:47

Again, very good point Colditz, but is it right to teach our DC that its okay to turn a blind eye to crime and/or something as potentially damaging as drugs? What sort of message does this send out?

Damned if I/we do, damned if I/we don't.

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