To think DP is taking the piss now?

[DrunkanSkunkan]

Been with my DP for 6 years, live together. I have a 8 year old ds.

Dp has always had a reputation for doing stupid things when he’s had a drink. The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink. Some of these are from when he’s about 15/16 so basically from when he first tried alcohol.

Dp is 35, has a very responsible job, is kind, loving, dependable, funny… basically a lovely man, everyone likes him, day to day he’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink the house at all and goes out out maybe every 6/7 weeks. So not every night or weekend or anything like that. But when he’s had a drink he’s a TOTALLY different person. He takes it too far. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, he just acts like a total idiot and does ridiculous things. He can not be reasoned with, he will do things like run into the road, play music at full volume, put his wallet/phone in the bin, run away… just weird annoying things that are really annoying. He will disappear and be found asleep in the toilets or something. I find it SO irritating. He falls over a lot when drunk as well and has broken his wrist previously. But as I say he only goes out now and again, he’s a grown adult and my ds isn’t at home when this happens as he is at his own df’s for the night/weekend.

Tonight he has gone out. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and have to leave at 10.30. He was invited out with a group of men he hasn’t seen since prelockdown, I have no issue with him going out if he wants to be hungover for the wedding so be it, not my problem. Wave him off, order takeaway/watch a film and in bed asleep by 10. Bliss. 2am I’m awoken by a phone call from him telling me he’s walking home and he’s round the corner. It’s -3 outside and he only has a think coat on so I tell
Him to hurry home. 2.20 he’s still not here so I ring him again and he states he has no idea where he is, he’s lost on an estate?? I can hear him KNOCKING on doors, at 2.20!!!!!! I tell him to stop knocking on doors and to tell me where he is, he doesn’t know but eventually manages to send me a pin. He’s 3 miles away on the middle of a new build estate. So i go to pick him up.

He gets in the car and he’s got music playing out of his phone full blast. We drive home and I ask him to turn it off, after much back and forth he switches it off. We go through the gate and he starts opening and closing it really fast so it’s banging, I tell him to stop it and get inside because of the neighbours. Once inside in the light I can see a big cut on his forehead, not sure what’s happened there. Manège to get him up to bed and he’s talking really loud, almost shouting about his night. We live in a terraced house so he’s probably already woken the neighbours so I tell him to be quiet. He then decides he needs a drink, goes to go down stairs and FALLS down the stairs. I check he’s ok (he got up straight away), he’s fine. He’s now in bed and snoring next to me. We’ve got to be up at 7.30 for the wedding.

I love him. This kind of thing happens I’d say 50% of the times he goes out. In December he went to his works do, he’s worked there for 6 years but for different reasons this is the first Christmas do he’s been on. They had to ring me to fetch him because he was so drunk. I picked him up and on the way home he tried to open the car door on the dual carriageway 😢. The next day he was mortified. Behaviour like this happens id say 50% of the times he/we go out. His friends think it’s hilarious. His brother and dad have alcohol issues and I think he has too, not dependency or anything like that but I think he feels he HAS to drink like this on nights out either because he has low confidence or he feels he has something to live up to. If you met him on a normal day you would be shocked as to what he was like drunk as he’s so serious and dependable.

Anyway this is so long and very incoherent. I’m going to speak to him in the morning about how I can’t keep doing this. My anxiety goes through the roof. I have no issues in picking him up, he picks me up when I go out and I’d always rather fetch him then have him walking home in -3 degrees but once again he’s gone out and once again he’s not known his limits. I don’t want to come across as controlling but I need to lay down a line. It’s 3.30 am and I’m lying here wide awake feeling embarrassed about what the neighbours must think

[DrunkanSkunkan]

Oh so I suppose my AIBU is AIBU in being totally sick of this behaviour.

Yabu- he’s a grown man who can do what he is wants, leave him alone and stop trying to control him
Yanbu- he is totally ridiculous and you are right in saying no more and putting your foot down.

I know I sound stupid but my ex used to try and tell me I was controlling all the time because I thought he was cheating. Turns out he was 🤣. But obviously being told you’re controlling all the time gets in your head.

[JustLyra]

I’d be utterly sick of that.

My DH behaved like an utter prick once with drink. He was so mortified when it was all told to him the next day I’ve never seen him drunk since.

I’d be losing respect more and more every time I had to deal with him acting like a drunk teenager on their first night of sneaky booze. Massively unattractive.

[IWouldBeSuperb]

You poor thing - I'd be absolutely fuming and asking him to give up the booze entirely.

He clearly can't handle it and I would never risk my son seeing him in that state.

Did you have to get your DS out of bed in the early hours to collect him?

[Sparklfairy]

Look, its not controlling to not want to get dragged into the drunken childish debauchery of a 35 year old man, so get that idea out of your head.

His behaviour is extreme. You either need to do what I did which was leave him to it (even if they fall into a bush outside your front door and fall asleep there like my ex did) or tell him if he's going to get rat arsed and stupid then he needs to make other arrangements for where to stay as you're not picking him up.

Unfortunately I think that once he gets a few drinks him he'll ignore any agreements he made and call you anyway, so really he needs to realise its time he grew up and stopped drinking. That is a conclusion he needs to come to though, and I dont think he will, despite you being the one who has to deal with the fallout every few months.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

YANBU. At all. He needs to grow up.

[SallyGoLucky]

Christ, what a nightmare. YANBU.

I'm all for people having a good time, and enjoying themselves but he clearly cannot handle his drink. He's a danger to himself.

I'd be having serious chat and letting him know you cannot keep going through this and it isn't fair. Surely, he's so embarrassed and affronted that he knows himself he needs to stop drinking. I would be.

I'd be worried sick every time he went for a drink. Just not worth the hassle.

[Marmelace]

I hate dickheads like that, probably scaring other peoples kids whilst being a menace. Absolutely no excuse for him.

[DrunkanSkunkan]

No I have never and would ever get my DS up in the middle of the night. He’s never been drunk when DS is in the house and as I said we don’t drink at home at all.

I’m going to speak to him in the morning (we’ll, in 3 and a half hours!) I am SICK of it. It’s not every time and he doesn’t go out all the time but when he does I’m on pins. I feel like I can’t relax. If we go somewhere together I again feel like I can’t relax. For example we went to a festival a couple of years ago. First night was absolutely amazing, we were tipsy but had a good time, no issues. Second night he just got bladdered, went to get food and never returned. We spent ages looking for him (I was with his sister snd her husband). We eventually found him in the car park???? He didn’t know how he’d gotten there. If we hadn’t have looked for him god knows where he’d have ended up as we were in a different city and we were camping on site.

As I’ve been typing this hes jusy gotten up and tried to pee in the corner of the room. Im absolutely raging, and quite disgusted. He’s gone to the toilet now. Im going to try and get some sleep but im not doing this again. It’s an absolute piss take, it’s embarrassing and I deserve better

[DrunkanSkunkan]

And yeah I worry myself so death when he’s out. He is literally a danger to himself and I worry he’s going end up trying swim in the river or climb out of a window or soemthing like that, that’s how wreckless he is when he’s had a drink and how much he just doesn’t engage his brain. What a dick.

[WilsonandNoodles]

Tell him if he goes out again to have a hotel booked as he isn't welcome home and that you won't be running the around after him protecting him. Let him get arrested or end up in a and e. As bad as he sounds he clearly isn't taking it seriously when you tell him what he is like and probably just thinks its funny. Its a complete level of disrespect for you.

[DrunkanSkunkan]

And he is, he gets so embarrassed when I tell him the next day. I can’t believe it’s 4 am, the weddings at 12 and I’m lying here wide awake.

[Rainbowqueeen]

He has alcohol issues for sure. And this is not normal.
I could not live like this. Do you want more children??
I suggest you get in touch with Al-anon for support. Also have a good think. How will you feel if you are dealing with this in 10 years time.

[SallyGoLucky]

Aw OP, I'm sorry. This is so unfair on you.

He's already ruined a lovely day for you tomorrow, and most likely the entire weekend because you'll be so tired.

I know you prob don't want to come across as demanding, or controlling. But his drinking doesn't just affect him. It's affects you too, and this just isn't on. He's a grown man!

[StruggleStreet]

No of course you’re not being unreasonable. He’s a binge drinker isn’t he. Just because he isn’t drinking every day doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem. He clearly has a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
It sounds as though he maybe has some kind of weird need to live up to his reputation now too. It’s time to grow up though, it’s highly embarrassing for a grown man to be acting like that and if he can’t control himself after a few drinks then he shouldn’t drink at all. Not fair at all for you to have to deal with him when he’s like that.

[AnonyMum21]

I think you sound lovely - but understandably fed up.
And equally, he sounds lovely, just can’t handle his booze.

If he could stick to just a few drinks - and remain tipsy (like you describe the first night of that festival) that would be fine but getting so drunk that his behaviour is reckless, stupid, possibly dangerous and definitely annoying is not acceptable. And while his friends may have found it funny when he was young, surely that must be wearing off now you are all getting older?

The really good thing is that when he has sobered up he does seem to be ‘mortified’ about it. Hopefully that will mean he takes you seriously and will do something about the situation if you have a calm and rational talk about it. Whether that means he needs to stop drinking altogether or not depends on how he feels about limiting himself to just a few, or if he is prepared to even try that.

Maybe you could actually try drinking at home sometimes? Just the two of you having a few glasses of wine, or beer to get him used to the idea that alcohol can be consumed in moderation… (obvs when your DC not home, just in case). This is tricky (and maybe a controversial suggestion on here) because it sounds mad to encourage drinking but he doesn’t sound like an alcoholic - he just doesn’t know how to stop/slow down before it adversely affects his behaviour and judgement. It may that he just needs some practice?
Failing that - he needs to stop drinking.

I do suggest though that you don’t try and discuss it until you have calmed down, don’t try and bring it up while you are still cross and emotional. You are being very reasonable in your approach, and should not have to put up with this behaviour but I believe (from what you have said about him) that he will agree things need to change.

Good luck, and hope you can enjoy the wedding

[JollyHolly30]

He sounds like a pathetic embarrassment of a man.
I'd show him this thread tomorrow.
Good luck making it to the wedding 😔

[timeisnotaline]

Is the wedding friends of yours? Would you have a good time if you went without him? I’d do that- he’s not going to be the best companion while you are fuming at him anyway.
Totally agree this is not reasonable or ok.

[Plutoisaplanet]

@DrunkanSkunkan did you leave ds at home while you went to collect DH?

[MizzFizz]

I went through a phase (due to some trauma) where I couldn't drink without blacking out/acting quite crazy.

When I realised it was affecting DP I stopped drinking like that. Haven't been like that in probably 10 years?

Your DP is "mortified" by his drunken behaviour and yet continues to choose to get drunk like this? I would not have any more time for this. He is CHOOSING this. He can make different choices if he wants.

If I were you I would think hard about what boundaries I would need to set to feel ok in this situation. You can't change him but you can choose what you'll put up with / not put up with.

[nettie434]

You sound very patient DrunkanSkunkan. It does sound as if your DP has an alcohol problem but as he doesn't drink at home and has rarely gone out drinking in the last two years, he does have some positives that he can work on and there is hope he can learn to separate having a fun time and drinking. Unfortunately for him, a lads culture hasn't helped. Does he have any friends who are more responsible who he could talk to about this situation and who could be a safety buddy for him when he goes out?

[Totalwasteofpaper]

Agree with @MizzFizz

I couldn't live like this and honestly I would film him to show it back to him to really press it home next time. And there will be a next time.

Ultimately he needs to accept he has a problem and either gets on the becks blue, stops drinking at all or he needs to go.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

@MizzFizz

I went through a phase (due to some trauma) where I couldn't drink without blacking out/acting quite crazy.

When I realised it was affecting DP I stopped drinking like that. Haven't been like that in probably 10 years?

Your DP is "mortified" by his drunken behaviour and yet continues to choose to get drunk like this? I would not have any more time for this. He is CHOOSING this. He can make different choices if he wants.

If I were you I would think hard about what boundaries I would need to set to feel ok in this situation. You can't change him but you can choose what you'll put up with / not put up with.

This...

Many years ago, I was, a binge drinker ... Always happy, never abusive, just daft...

But got myself into so many embarrassing, / difficult situations... Or ones where I was acutely vulnerable - lost keys/wallet at 3am in the depths of winter with no coat /acting daft...

I stopped... I used to get embarrassed when I'd hear tales of what I'd done.... My partner was completely fed up-of having to rescue me /being worried where I was.

For at least a year... I stopped drinking alcohol at all, it seemed if I drank anything, I was in party mode.... It was like a switch being flicked.

Years later I can drink a few social drinks and enjoy them with who I'm with.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

PS I'm really much happier now with this... And it's a lot cheaper

[girlmom21]

Oh OP what an utter arse. You shouldn't have to deal with that.
You shouldn't have to be worrying whether he's coming home or if he's going to die from hypothermia while you search for him in the middle of the night.

He's a childish, selfish twat. He needs to stop drinking.