Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

(677 Posts)
Amisillyornot Fri 22-Oct-21 08:32:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP’s posts: |
JaneDoe21 Fri 22-Oct-21 08:35:53

YANBU. I'd be done too only 3 years earlier. Once a cheat always a cheat sorry to say.

Hopeisallineed Fri 22-Oct-21 08:37:02

I think he lied to you firstly, on several occasions, not least about having ‘found a phone’ when he knew it was his. I would not be happy with this and probably never believe another word he says. You need trust in a relationship and there is zero trust so I would not be hanging about.

LawnFever Fri 22-Oct-21 08:37:25

How bizarre, even if this was an old phone he used to contact OW on why on earth did he bring it home, tell you about it and pretend he didn’t know where it came from??

Something makes no sense here, even if he was using it to get her number again he could’ve copied it off the phone, I wouldn’t let this drop it just sounds odd.

lynntheyresexpeople Fri 22-Oct-21 08:39:38

LawnFever

How bizarre, even if this was an old phone he used to contact OW on why on earth did he bring it home, tell you about it and pretend he didn’t know where it came from??

Something makes no sense here, even if he was using it to get her number again he could’ve copied it off the phone, I wouldn’t let this drop it just sounds odd.


Yeah, this - he's lying

Fluffycloudland77 Fri 22-Oct-21 08:39:56

You don’t trust him and I don’t blame you. If there’s no trust the relationships over isn’t it?.

It’s a burner phone isn’t it?

HollowTalk Fri 22-Oct-21 08:41:00

I don't understand. Is this his secret phone from when he was having his affair? Was he trying to pretend he'd just found a Phone?

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yeahitsabadidea Fri 22-Oct-21 08:41:15

I'm sorry.

But as pp have said. He's already lied how can you trust anything he says. His story's changed already. How easily he lies.

How did you see the phone? Was he open about it?

PersonaNonGarter Fri 22-Oct-21 08:41:21

This story is weird. Why did he bother with bringing the phone home?

Amisillyornot Fri 22-Oct-21 08:41:51

@LawnFever - my mind is going into overdrive - didn't sleep a wink imagining all scenarios and I think that maybe they have now broken up and thus he doesn't need the phone anymore so thought he'd delete everything and bring it home but he forgot to delete contacts, just deleted call logs.

OP’s posts: |
CounsellorTroi Fri 22-Oct-21 08:42:29

This is so bizarre. He brought the phone home and told you he’d found it, then admitted it was the one he used for his EA but that he’d not used it in three years?

Whattheschitt Fri 22-Oct-21 08:43:58

Who was the other number listed?

Amisillyornot Fri 22-Oct-21 08:44:56

@Fluffycloudland77 - not sure what a burner phone is but this one is a pay as you go phone.
@yeahitsabadidea @HollowTalk - yes he handed me phone. Saying he found it in his work drawer, new office where they moved into in January 2021.
@PersonaNonGarter - only reason I can think of is that he doesn't need it anymore?

OP’s posts: |
Amisillyornot Fri 22-Oct-21 08:45:40

@Whattheschitt
both numbers were of OW as in Anna1 and Anna 2

OP’s posts: |
Amisillyornot Fri 22-Oct-21 08:47:15

CounsellorTroi

This is so bizarre. He brought the phone home and told you he’d found it, then admitted it was the one he used for his EA but that he’d not used it in three years?

Yes - exactly that. He only admitted after I found the number on contacts. If I didn't I would be none the wiser and I was trying to find a number or email to tray and find the owner!

OP’s posts: |
Hopeisallineed Fri 22-Oct-21 08:47:31

@Amisillyornot maybe he wanted you to find out his ‘emotional affair’ is not truly over? Easy than telling you?

Theunamedcat Fri 22-Oct-21 08:48:46

Why would it have a charge on it after 3 years?

Amisillyornot Fri 22-Oct-21 08:49:03

Hopeisallineed

*@Amisillyornot* maybe he wanted you to find out his ‘emotional affair’ is not truly over? Easy than telling you?

I do not know - then he would have just said ok when I said we are done. Am at work and he has tried calling me 5 times already and I am not answering. He tried talking to me in the spare room yesterday and I did not respond.

OP’s posts: |
TheChip Fri 22-Oct-21 08:49:13

Not exactly helping himself with the broken trust is he by lying about the phone.

Why bring the phone home now?
Why pretend he found it?
It would have been far better had he of said "I found this in my drawer at work. It is what I used to contact OW. There is nothing on it, but just brought it home as I don't know what to do with it"

Maybe that is why he brought your attention to the phone. Maybe he couldn't say it in those words exactly, but wanted you to be aware of it.

If I was you, I'd suggest that you keep the phone on your person for a week or so. If she tries to contact, then you know he has been up to no good again.

ACCx Fri 22-Oct-21 08:49:46

If the affair ended 3 years ago why would it be in his new works office draw? Surely if he hasn’t used it for 3 years he wouldn’t have kept the phone. Sorry to say but I think he’s lying. I hope you’re okay OP xx

Amisillyornot Fri 22-Oct-21 08:50:37

@Theunamedcat - that is a very good point. I did not think of that. It would obviously not. Unless he has charged it to delete everything before bringing it home.
He has been working from home over the last 18 months and has only been going to the office fully for 2 weeks now.

OP’s posts: |
BrilliantBulb Fri 22-Oct-21 08:50:42

Regardless of whether or not he’s still seeing her he is still lying. He performed a whole pre-prepared scene to you about finding someone’s phone when it was actually his. That’s pretty manipulative.

yeahitsabadidea Fri 22-Oct-21 08:50:51

But it's a burner phone. It's designed to be cheap and throw away. I'm guessing it's not a fancy phone? Why bring it home? Do you have young kids who might need their first phone soon?

But otherwise it strikes me as cocky. He's bringing it under your very nose. Not even hiding it.

Why did she have two numbers? Was one a house/work line or did she also have two phones?

QuentinBunbury Fri 22-Oct-21 08:50:58

God. That's weird. I'd wonder if he's enjoyed lying to you and wanted the thrill of giving you his affair phone.
Or it hasn't stopped but he needed the phone at home to contact her as he's WFH and was trying in a ridiculous way to set you up so you wouldn't question the phone being in his office drawer.
What a knob. There is no good explanation for this

ParmigianoReggiano Fri 22-Oct-21 08:51:55

Maybe I'm naive too OP as I think it could be true that he hasn't contacted her for years. Otherwise why would he bring the phone home?

However, what I think it does mean is that there was more to the original incident than you found out at the time. Surely you wouldn't need a special phone to contact her if it was "just" an EA? Sorry but I think he was sleeping with her OP.

If it all happened three years ago (but was more serious then than you thought) and has been fine since then, it's a hard decision for you. Maybe counselling would help you?

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