Why does my son HATE me?

[MootingMirror]

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

[MatildaTheCat]

How distressing for you. Have you asked for any professional advice? I imagine a child psychologist would want to observe you interacting to assess the dynamics between you.

I’m sure you have been asked this and it must be annoying but has this become a vicious circle whereby you become tense when you are with him? I think if you look into Theraplay activities you could find stuff to do together that should improve your bond and sense of security together.

Ask your HV for advice on strengthening the attachment between you and if she’s not helpful ask your GP for a referral.

Lastly, I’m certain he doesn’t hate you but I understand why you feel as if he does.

Best wishes.

[MootingMirror]

@MatildaTheCat

How distressing for you. Have you asked for any professional advice? I imagine a child psychologist would want to observe you interacting to assess the dynamics between you.

I’m sure you have been asked this and it must be annoying but has this become a vicious circle whereby you become tense when you are with him? I think if you look into Theraplay activities you could find stuff to do together that should improve your bond and sense of security together.

Ask your HV for advice on strengthening the attachment between you and if she’s not helpful ask your GP for a referral.

Lastly, I’m certain he doesn’t hate you but I understand why you feel as if he does.

Best wishes.

Everyone I've spoken to has just dismissed it. They've said it's normal for a child to have a favourite parent and that's it's because I see him more or because I don't see him more etc etc.
I'm not tense with him - I've tried so hard so be happy and positive and play nice games. Sometimes DH will nip out of the room and I won't even notice before DS starts to scream. If I were viewing it from the outside then I'd think I must've done something awful to him.
DH is really struggling with it because he knows I'm more patient and positive and engaged than he is but DS just loves him and hates me. I think the people at nursery are a bit shocked because every time I pick him up or drop him off, he's screaming - but he's happy with them all day.

[mrsb00]

OP this sounds really stressful for you! Try not to take it personally (although I think DS hates me if he has one day like this so you’ve coped extremely well so far). I would also suggest child psychologist? How is he with you when he knows your DH is out of the house? I know my son will sometimes play up for me if he knows daddy can hear him and will likely interject in the situation.

[OverTheRainbow88]

Sounds really stressful and upsetting.

Can DH go away for a few days so You two have Unlimited time together with no distractions?

[justilou1]

I think you should ask for an assessment ASAP. (For you and DS) Perhaps this is a sign of some kind of ASD...?

[MootingMirror]

@mrsb00

OP this sounds really stressful for you! Try not to take it personally (although I think DS hates me if he has one day like this so you’ve coped extremely well so far). I would also suggest child psychologist? How is he with you when he knows your DH is out of the house? I know my son will sometimes play up for me if he knows daddy can hear him and will likely interject in the situation.

He screams. That's what it's like today. I can WFH and DH can't. DS's nursery had a confirmed Covid case so he's having to isolate. So, DH has gone to work and I'm alone with him. He's screamed ALL day. He hasn't eaten anything, he hasn't drunk anything, he hasn't napped or played with anything. I've had to cancel everything at work. He's just been devastated all day - he screams like he's in physical pain. Lord knows what the neighbours think is going on!
I know that he's not playing up for attention because he's done it since the day he was born - far too young to be manipulating the situation.

[Missandra]

It is normal to a certain extent but this sounds a little different.

I definitely agree with pp to speak to a child psychologist. Also mention it to your health visitor.

[MootingMirror]

@OverTheRainbow88

Sounds really stressful and upsetting.

Can DH go away for a few days so You two have Unlimited time together with no distractions?

Between September and March, DH was working so I had DS all day and nothing ever improved. He could go away but it feels cruel to DS.

[MootingMirror]

@justilou1

I think you should ask for an assessment ASAP. (For you and DS) Perhaps this is a sign of some kind of ASD...?

Isn't he too young for an ASD assessment? He doesn't have any symptoms of anything like autism or ANYTHING. DH is a teacher and DSIL is a doctor and they've never thought anything of his behaviour.

[MootingMirror]

@Missandra

It is normal to a certain extent but this sounds a little different.

I definitely agree with pp to speak to a child psychologist. Also mention it to your health visitor.

We don't have another HV thing until he's five apparently. I mentioned it at the last one and she said it's normal.

[jetadore]

I'll preface this by saying I have no experience or expertise in this field. Two suggestions:

1. Carry on as normal and hope he grows out of it. Maybe when he's talking more you'll be able to reason with him or him explain why he does not like you?
   

1. Contrive to be left alone with him without dh, say over a weekend. I very much doubt he can scream for two days straight or refuse food once he starts getting hungry. Probably will be really tough at first but just stay calm and try to act normal, maybe that will break the habit.

[MootingMirror]

@jetadore

I'll preface this by saying I have no experience or expertise in this field. Two suggestions:

1. Carry on as normal and hope he grows out of it. Maybe when he's talking more you'll be able to reason with him or him explain why he does not like you?

1. Contrive to be left alone with him without dh, say over a weekend. I very much doubt he can scream for two days straight or refuse food once he starts getting hungry. Probably will be really tough at first but just stay calm and try to act normal, maybe that will break the habit.

Two solid suggestions but I just don't know. I can't take it anymore and feel like the longer it's left, the worse it'll be. But also, he went to bed at 7pm last night with milk and woke up this morning after DH left for work. So, he hasn't had a sip of milk or water in 18 hours and he won't take it from me and won't pick it up if I leave it in his reach - so I feel like he might genuinely dehydrate himself to a dangerous level if he's left alone with me.

[Unsure33]

I have never heard of this before .

Is it when he sees you even in the room ? Or when you get close and try to physically interact with him ?

Something about your appearance that scares him ? can you eliminate that by trying some kid of child friendly cuddly mask or outfit ?
It does seem strange

[LucyAutumn]

I could have written this myself OP when my DS was in his first year, it was awful and caused me a lot of distress and pain at the time, especially when others couldn't see it. The relationships become better over time but there are still things he does with me that he doesn't to others and nursery are now looking into any possible SEN due to him being behind, having no grasp of danger or feelings and looking vacant when given instructions... there's so much more and I have no idea if any of it is related or indeed if he is even SEN but that's where we're at right now.

[ImMoana]

In our area they get a HV assessment between the ages of 2-3 so you should see them again at some stage but I wouldn’t leave it that long personally. I would seek help from the GP. Partly for your own peace of mind and partly in case someone raises a concern about your care for him, given his reaction to you. It might be worth getting the issue documented for your own protection.

[omega3]

Could it be your perfume/soap or deodorant? Is it hair/glasses? Just throwing it out there.

Dh's neice screamed every time she saw a man with a beard for the first year.

[CloudyVanilla]

This sounds so extreme. I didn't even know 16 month olds could do something like stop themselves crying and pretend to be asleep.

Is he your first DC? What is your support network like? What are your day to day interactions with him from your side?

[MootingMirror]

@Unsure33

I have never heard of this before .

Is it when he sees you even in the room ? Or when you get close and try to physically interact with him ?

Something about your appearance that scares him ? can you eliminate that by trying some kid of child friendly cuddly mask or outfit ?
It does seem strange

He's fine if he sees me as long as he's not alone with me - but won't let me touch him. So, DH and I will be on the sofa and DS will be playing on the floor - DH goes to make a cup of tea, as soon as DH leaves the room, DS will scream. But, if DH and I both left and DS was alone in the room, he won't scream. And that's true if you substitute DH for any other person (like my mum for example.).
I don't think I look scary. I'm 5'2, around 60kg, no tattoos or piercing on my face or anything like that. Never considered I might look scary if my bearded, 6ft, 100kg rugby player DH doesn't haha.

[MootingMirror]

@LucyAutumn

I could have written this myself OP when my DS was in his first year, it was awful and caused me a lot of distress and pain at the time, especially when others couldn't see it. The relationships become better over time but there are still things he does with me that he doesn't to others and nursery are now looking into any possible SEN due to him being behind, having no grasp of danger or feelings and looking vacant when given instructions... there's so much more and I have no idea if any of it is related or indeed if he is even SEN but that's where we're at right now.

I'm sorry - that's so tough for you although I'm slightly relieved I'm not the only one. He doesn't seem to have any other SEN issues, he's fine with instructions and eye contact and communication in general.

[peachgreen]

Goodness, how distressing for you. I would absolutely keep pushing for a referral, this doesn't sound like normal parental preference.

[MootingMirror]

@omega3

Could it be your perfume/soap or deodorant? Is it hair/glasses? Just throwing it out there.

Dh's neice screamed every time she saw a man with a beard for the first year.

I've changed perfume and deodorant and everything that isn't the same as DH's. I don't wear glasses and my hair is just standard long brown hair - he does it if my hair is tied up or down etc.

[JovialNickname]

It does sound a bit different OP and I second (third) a child psychologist. Don't allow people to fob you off, your baby is being more than a bit fussy if he hasn't taken any liquids in 18 hours, that's not right. It's probably something really trivial that everyone has so far overlooked but I agree it needs further checking. I hope you are OK it sounds like a hard situation to deal with x

[ChrisPrattsFace]

I don’t know why you’re asking, you should be speaking to a medical professional and making sure they listen.

[notalwaysalondoner]

Agree - this sounds way more extreme than normal, and particularly strange that it started at birth. You need to bang your own drum with many medical professionals sadly, and not just say 'oh, OK' when they say it's normal and you don't need a referral. You are going to have to stand up for yourself and for your DS so you get the help you need.

[Haworthia]

You sound so low and desperate OP, which is understanding given how miserable this must be.

One thing I’m wondering though, is whether your perception of things is entirely objective. You said

When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up

And, I say this kindly, I don’t think a baby of 16 months is able to think “Oh no, it’s Mummy, I don’t want her to pick me up, so I’ll pretend to be asleep”.

I do believe you. I do believe there is something going on here, behaviourally, that might warrant further investigation. What you describe definitely isn’t normal. But I also wanted to point you that you sound incredibly depressed, and that you’re maybe interpreting some of your baby’s behaviour as being sly and manipulative, when it isn’t.

I think you need help, for your mental health and your baby. You need to be really frank with a GP and HV or both.