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AIBU?

Rubbish proposal

253 replies

Fidgetthefluffer · 07/08/2020 03:47

My DP proposed the other night and it was completely unexpected. To put it in context we have had a fucking horrendous year. Hes in court with his ex on an ongoing basis. We argue constantly about everything involved and his lack of boundaries with her have caused us massive problems. 2 weeks ago, we had yet another massive argument as he wants us to move towards joint finances. I lost my temper and pointed out amongst other things that he had never even taken me out for dinner despite earning over 3 times more than me. For a long time, he was in debt as he pays his ex so much money, is rubbish at budgeting and so was living on credit cards. They were both terrible with money and got themselves in loads of debt which he took on at the end of the marriage. The only reason he / they did not go under is he earns a massive wage and it kept them afloat. I however am a saver and am very different. I used to treat him but soon realised he preferred much more expensive things then I was prepared to pay for. With a LOT of my help he has now got out of dept but as he now has so much more disposable income he spends thousands every month on random stuff. After a while it has started to grate that we are living these very different lives where he buys stuff constantly – He can afford it but doesn’t save – and I save obsessively so have some capital behind me but no nice “stuff.” It worries me for the future. I think at our age and position in life ( i.e. we are both very behind!) we need to be saving as much as possible regardless of how much we earn. Day to day its not an issue as we do not have joint finances and we spend our time together going hiking / inexpensive things that we both enjoy. Anyway, I was very fed up after conversations and randomly got an email from my favourite jewellery designer with 20% off. Totally out of character I decided to buy myself a ring for approx. 100 quid. It was beautiful. I loved it and to be honest I was fed up of never doing anything nice for myself. It was also one if not the cheapest in the whole collection. I love all his work but can’t justify spending too much. That night I mentioned it to my partner who went white and told me he had bought me the same ring. (He got emails as well as bought me a birthday ring there once.) I was really touched by how thoughtful he had been and that my remark has gone home. A bit of me was upset as we have talked about getting married and 5 years in, I’m starting to wonder what is going on. He has frequently told me he wanted to get married but nothing ever happened, and I realised that if he was buying me this ring then he was unlikely to be buying an engagement ring any time soon. I need to point out that this ring is as far away from an engagement ring as it is possible to be. The designer does make engagement rings as well but are obviously more money. They are stunning! I admit that if we ever got engaged, I was hoping to get rings from there. To be in perspective it is still less then 1/10 of his monthly after-tax income. Both rings arrived and it was very funny. I did not open mine as I thought it was so lovely of him to have bought it and wanted to wear his. He was out last night with work and rolled in absolutely hammered. I had spent the evening kid wrestling and was just ready for bed. After telling me about his evening he said oh let’s check out the rings and ripped open the box. He then just asked me to marry him… it was unexpected to say the least. Sitting in my pyjamas in the kitchen. He could barely stand up. He was lovely and said lovely things, but it felt so completely random and un thought through. He has been out having loads of fun drinking cocktails all night and Id been sat at home. To say we were on different wavelengths does not really cover it! I said yes as I do want to marry him. I was completely shocked by it all. He then fell asleep and I was awake thinking how the whole thing had felt so ridiculously un-special. I couldn’t imagine going to work the next day and suddenly being engaged. Calling my family... Honestly, I know its childish but we go hiking, we go to the beach, we climb mountains. Why he couldn’t have waited for something, anything, that could be even a little bit special. A massive issue in our lives is how fucked up he is by his ex-wife. I can’t help thinking about all the amazing holidays etc he took her on and I get a kitchen proposal. It really hurts. Especially the 100 quid ring which was 20% off. If he was a changed man and since paying off his debt, he had stopped spending them it wouldn’t sting so much but he spends 1000s every month on his hobbies. He continues to pay for his ex-wife’s expenses (separate from child support. A LOT more then 100 quid ) I dunno, just this once I wanted to feel a bit special. Have some romance.

I know I`m being ridiculous. I lost it a bit the next morning and told him I didn’t want to get engaged like that. I said I was over the moon that he wanted to marry me and I definitely wanted to marry him but I wanted to have some better memories around it and make it special. I also want all the lawyer stuff to be over so that for once its about me and him and not him and his ex. He was understandably confused by it all and upset by my mixed messages. Arg I messed up fairly royally. Give me a talking to mumsnet. I’ve read all the other posts around this. Getting married - Its not a fairly story etc etc. I get all that. I’m def not looking for 20k rings and flash mobs! Just a bit of thought. Maybe a river or something? A scenic hill. Fuck even a glass of wine in the garden! A ring that is a bit more special than one I buy as a treat for myself. Am I being totally unreasonable? Or do I have a bit of a point? I literally don’t know!
I’m rereading my massive essay (sorry!) and am even judging myself. So basically, you are pissed off that he spends money on himself and exwife and you don’t get any. I guess that is a massive part of it! Still would have liked a beach or something

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Am I being unreasonable?

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Bitchinkitchen · 07/08/2020 04:03

OP he's a selfish twat who isn't going to change. Get rid, you deserve better.