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Brother smashed mum's phone in a rage(174 Posts)
Brother is showing signs of depression again over the past few days (crying every day, hurting himself e.g. biting himself, pulling his hair, saying he doesn't like anything, saying he hates everything). He has been on antidepressants in the past.
He is 21.
Our mum was very concerned about him and contacted his uni tutor (who has been so helpful in the past when brother was depressed and really a godsend).
Mum told brother yesterday that she contacted his tutor. Brother got very angry, saying why did you do that, we aren't in term time anymore, this is personal.
Later in the evening he flew off the handle at her, saying he wanted to kill her (he wouldn't) and himself, throwing everything on the floor (pillows etc) and unfortunately he also threw her phone which this morning is very cracked and the screen is completely black, you can hear the phone but the screen is black.
My view is that he should pay for her phone. When I told him I was very disappointed in him and pointed out that mum's phone was broken, he said "it's her fault". Mum is of the view that her phone was old anyway, she's just glad he got the rage out of his system. WTF??? and she told me not to say anything to him today as he's on his internship.
Please help, I really don't know what to do especially when my mum is not supporting me.
I’d stay out of it. It’s between them, not you.
Your mum is better off calling his gp than his tutor though, he sounds like he needs some help.
@PurpleDaisies he is refusing to call the doctor as he thinks there is nothing they can do as he doesn't want to go on antidepressants
I'd hate to see my mum treated like that but if she chooses to let it go there's not much you can do.
Telling a depressed person "you're disappointed with them" won't help - it will just make them feel worse. If your mum is happy to let it slide, then let it slide.
Stay out of it other than to say to mum to phone the gp. If he’s on an internship you don’t want to stress him out while working. I think you need to concentrate on the fact of convincing your mum he needs more help than on the monetary issue with the phone. He may (if he’s doing anything to cause his issues like excessive drinking/drug taking/opting not to take prescribed meds ) also need punishment and I’m not saying don’t have that conversation with your mum if it’s needed but stay out of the whole phone thing.
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Your mum shouldn’t have called his uni tutor. He is an adult and it’s not up to her to do that.
However, at the point when he was threatening to kill both her and himself she should have called the police.
The phone is not something to get worked up about here when your brother is self harming, depressed and possibly considering suicide from what you've written. I know from personal experience it's tough to deal with someone who needs help but refuses it and can't take accountability for their actions.
Labouring the point re the phone won't achieve anything at the moment.
I suggest that you have a look at some of the info on the mind website to get some perspective. This might help you have a conversation with your brother and hopefully persuade him to get some professional help. There is lots the GP can do other than antidepressants but it was hard to access this pre covid and can only imagine it'll be harder at the moment.
Lots of online CBT courses though which are very useful for learning coping techniques. This will only help if he is open to it though.
You have my sympathies as it is tough!
Just read your update re him not wanting to go on antidepressants. Definitely still don’t tell him you are disappointed in him. Maybe say “listen I know you think she brought it on herself but what if you had really hurt her, I’m scared for you and for her, please consider getting help.” Then find an anecdote of someone he knows who has been on antidepressants and tell him there’s no shame in being on them.
If he’s on an internship you don’t want to stress him out while working.
There’s depression and then there’s physical aggression, violence and destruction of property, which are abusive behaviours.
I’m not sure tiptoeing around him is a great idea if he’s crossed the line into abusiveness. If it isn’t made clear to him that crossing that line is unacceptable, what’s to stop him making this a routine mode of expressing his “depression”? Frankly he sounds controlling.
Sounds like he’s on the spectrum.
I had something similar with a close family member of mine but tbh it’s the you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink scenario. If they won’t accept the help offered there’s not a lot you can do I’m afraid especially since your brother is 21 but when you say your mum is not supporting you, what kind of support are you looking for? It’s a difficult one for your mum too she’s got to live with it and you are both her kids she’ll just be trying to keep a calm head on things and keep the peace.
Call Mind www.mind.org.uk/ for advice
Sometimes it takes time & effort to get support from the NHS, and someone has to push for it. These services can help your brother get the support he needs.
Your Mum should have called a gp not the tutor
Why for gods sake does this sound like he is on the spectrum??? I love the easy diagnosis by one action
Sounds like he’s on the spectrum.
FUCK OFF WITH THIS SHIT. SERIOUSLY. FUCK THE FUCK OFF.
Because someone always has to say it on these threads
Sounds like he’s on the spectrum.
I can’t say the description is pinging my aspie radar. Any particular reason you say that? Or do you just imagine autists as incredibly angry people who throw things?
Sounds like he's turned into an abusive male using the excuse of depression/MH to control her.
Tell him that if he ever so much as mutters a bad thought in her direction, you will be calling the police, as they don't need your DM to cooperate to arrest him for domestic violence or to get him assessed by a psychiatrist.
And then do it.
He needs to see a doctor asap.
I would be thinking about contacting the police, OP.
He sounds violent and out of control.
it is perfectly reasonable to call police if someone is threatening to kill someone,
it is not reasonable then expecting them to be grateful they only got a smashed phone instead of death,
That’s not depression, it’s abuse.
He may very well also be depressed, but it doesn’t excuse his actions.
I wonder if he’ll shout, throw and smash things on his internship? Probably not, so he’s perfectly capable of controlling it if he needs to.
I’d hate for my mum to be treated like that but if she’s going to continue to allow it I’m not sure how much you can do sadly. Do you live with them too?
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