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Wtf am I meant to do about this?(229 Posts)
Well I know I'm not being unreasonable, but posting for traffic I guess.
I'm due to give birth any day now. I'm 39 weeks plus. Got a DD aged 6. My DP has a history of heavy drinking and we've had a lot of trouble regarding this in the past but I thought we were passed it all. DP has been drinking heavily for weeks now (approx 25 units a night, 4-5 nights a week). We've had a huge argument about it lately and she called me controlling and selfish for me wanting her to stop.
Her adult DD is staying with us due to lockdown, and the pair of them are drinking yet again. They'll be up until about 4am probably, then knackered tomorrow, DP will sleep until early afternoon. DP is meant to be my birth partner, DSD is meant to be looking after my DD when I'm in hospital. I have no alternative childcsre for this, as my family are 300 miles away and DP's family are working all kinds of shifts in health care, both households have a member working with covid patients and I can't risk DD staying with them and bringing covid home to the baby. Also, she's never stayed there before and both houses have dogs she's scared of.
I'm clearly going to go into labour at some point in the next 2/3 weeks and neither DP nor DSD seem to think they will need to stay sober to deal with this. Tbh, I'll happily go into hospital and birth alone, as I'm so fed up with DP that I don't think our relationship is going to survive this. But I'm worried about leaving DD, if I end up going into labour when they're both pissed.
Like I say, when I suggested quitting the drink, I just got called controlling. I know in the long run I need to leave. I'm just worried about the giving birth bit.
That's pretty shitty of your dp. Have you tried having a conversation when she's sober about her needing to stay in a fit state to care for your dc at least?
That's spectacularly shitty behaviour. Do you have anyone else as a birthing partner? Totally not ideal but I'd be massively reconsidering the relationship.
Yeah, her response was to storm off and get pissed, send me a message about something I said last summer (admittedly horrible and though I've apologised I can't ever take it back) calling me a nasty bitch, and the next day when I woke up she'd added snide lines onto my shopping list like 'a personality' 'a life'.
Like I say, long term I'm not sticking with it, but short term I'm stuck. I'm too far gone to drive to my family with DD too.
I don't care about a birth partner but I want someone sober at home for DD.
Oh fuck that. I’m sorry but this sounds dead to me.
LTB. You need to think about what's best for you and your LO at the mo.
COuld you move to stay with family? Could they come to get you?
Can you hire a nanny to look after DD?
Expensive but safe at least?
You know it’s time to break it off. Start making plans now.
Would she be able to stay with any school friends? I would absolutely take in a friend of my DS (same age as your DD) in this situation.
Or could you ask a family member to come to you?
Definitely no money to hire a nanny. Don't want to risk even being driven 300 miles away by someone else. I don't know where my family would stay - no rooms here and nothing is open to hire. And they'd have to get here from first warning of labour, before I go in. Either that or drop everything and come and stay here tomorrow potentially for 3 weeks. But still, nowhere is open to stay.
School friend might be a possibility.
Those saying LTB - I know and thank you for the encouragement, it's definitely something I need to do. But that doesn't help now.
I am keeping my fingers crossed labour starts when they're in a fit state, or at least quickly recoverable.
I'm going to have to try to talk to them again tomorrow, and really guilt trip the pair of twats into it.
Does your daughter have a father in the picture, or maybe paternal grandparents? Would one of them be willing to watch her?
I feel really sad for your situation. I don’t need to tell you obviously, but this ain’t what you need at this time. You really need these two like a hole in the head I reckon. Is your partner even going to be a reliable birth partner? Is it worth looking at very short term foster care for your little girl? Is it available? Not ideal of course, but safe at least.
Do you have any local friends that could look after DD while you're in labour?
If not, then I'd really recommend you and DD going to stay with your family, despite the long distance.
Maybe speak to your midwife to see if she can put you in touch with any organisations that can support you.
Last resort, could you kick out DP & DSD and have a home birth?
I have friends who have moved very late into pregnancy and just rung up local midwives to explain. Your DP is abusing you. You could leave and go to live with family. I'm a bit worried about you from what you've said that your DP can be that horrible when you are about to give birth and is drinking so much they can't care for your DD.
Is your DP the other parent to new baby? If you aren't married and they aren't biologically related then please don't put them on the birth certificate.
Guilt trip them into what?
Your sd is not someone you should be leaving your dd in the care of, OP.
I really think you need to end this and fast. And I would 100% go the school friend route. Who owns the house?
Just asking, but is it possible to ask her to leave now?
I’d want things as sorted before the baby came but I appreciate that’s not straightforward.
I’d call my DD’s best friend’s mum, explain the situation and arrange that, then tell your partner and that’s it’s over and it’s time to part ways and spend the last week or so getting the house how you want it.
I appreciate this night not be practical.
Sorry to hear this you shouldn't have to put up with it. Are any air bnbs open near you to move to temporarily with another family member as well? Some are taking bookings near me for essential short term accomodation reasons like yours (not for holidays obviously).
Leaving your DD in the care of either DP or DSD is just not an option. That means you need to pick a “least worst” option from all of the others.
I’d pick a school friend first.
If not, as long your family members can drive and are generally nice people I think I’d ask them to come pick the two of you up. 300 miles in a car sounds horrible for you, but it’s a lot safer than leaving her with someone you know is or will get drunk.
If your DP drinks 25 units in one night, that would take 25 hours(ish) for the body to deal with. Which means she’s rarely sober. Your DD won’t be safe in her care.
It's like you're living in a flat share - she's just doing her thing and in no way being a partner. Extraordinary. She doesn't seem to even think there's anything wrong, it's like this is just your thing (giving birth etc) and that's that.
But you wouldn't be doing this if you were on your own. It's supposed to be both of you. God how awful.
It sounds like from hereon in you are effectively a single mother and need to assume that for everything you do. Unfortunately you are just going to have to hope DD is ok, get home with the baby when you can and then start thinking about where the three of you will live, and how.
You poor thing. I can't even think how stressful this must be. You'll get through it - but it won't be easy at first. Maybe someone at the hospital knows somewhere you and DD could go?
First, call your midwife and tell her exactly what you said here. When she arrives the two of you should call the police, tell them you are experiencing coercive control and want an occupation order and a non molestation order. and have the two of them removed.
Then a social worker can be assigned to watch your 6yo dd while you are birthing and support for afterwards. You can't bring a newborn home to that love. You'll end up losing both your kids. Be strong, be safe, but do it soon.
The pair of them will probably not be in a fit state to do anything,as in just like that, as alkies can't just stop instantly and stay sober. It is hard to have them around it seems, and maybe won't be good when you bring your baby home either. I am not sure how you can get help in this awful situation, other than a good friend to take care of your other child, which will obviously cause more problems with your partner I assume.
Good luck, in getting something sorted out, it is not the time for you to be worrying about things now.
@ProfessorSillyStuff has given excellent advice. Good luck with everything
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