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AIBU?

Mothers - who’s is more important?

452 replies

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:02

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

341 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
46%
You are NOT being unreasonable
54%
Rumblebear · 30/05/2020 12:04

Neither is more important. My mother was fab at looking after me as well, which helped, but I also loved having my MiL around. I think my husband would say same in reverse.

7ofNine · 30/05/2020 12:04

If it's a case of one additional person only, the father trump's anyone else, surely?

Hopoindown31 · 30/05/2020 12:05

Totally agree with @Rumblebear

FourPlasticRings · 30/05/2020 12:06

I'm confused by the question. Are you talking about mum's mum Vs mother in law or mum's mum Vs baby's dad?

smeerf · 30/05/2020 12:06

I think the mum's mum takes priority as they're there for the mum AND the baby, the MIL is just there to see the baby. But that's if you HAD to choose just one.

Saltystraw · 30/05/2020 12:07

I would say the mothers need to have their mother is more important then the fathers need to have their mother. Some circumstances would be different.

After I had my baby, my mother was crucial in helping me physically and mentally, I was dealing with hormones and afterbirth pains and all sorts of private stuff that my mother helped me through while my partners life carried on relatively normal.

CovidicusRex · 30/05/2020 12:08

@smeerf I think that only true if you have an arsehole MIL.

peachgreen · 30/05/2020 12:09

In the immediate aftermath of birth, the mother's needs should be prioritised, whatever they are. Personally I would have wanted my MIL more than my own mum.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 12:09

Just responded to this but the post isnt here Confused

The question is unanswerable.

Relationships vary.

TARSCOUT · 30/05/2020 12:09

I really think it depends on the person.

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:09

Yeh so this was born out of my best friend, who is due in 4 weeks, asking her husbands family who live 3 hours away to not visit for about a month until they get a routine settled with the baby and also see what the COVID situation is.

Her mum however lives 15 mins down the road and will get to meet the baby post birth but still not touching/holding him/socially distancing

OP posts:
lanthanum · 30/05/2020 12:10

If this is "who comes to stay for a bit after the birth", I think you have to go with whichever is likely to be more helpful, if there's no obvious way to decide things. Possibly MiL has the advantage that if the father isn't doing enough, she's more likely to tell him that!

UnderTheBus · 30/05/2020 12:10

I think we need a bit more context. Generally the postpartum period is much harder for the mother - recovery from the birth, raging hormones, lack of sleep, discomfort of breastfeeding.
In my experience the first time father is a great help but doesn't have to deal with anywhere near as much emotional and physical difficulty.
So i would say having support for the new Mum would be more important than support for the new Dad.

peachgreen · 30/05/2020 12:10

Not because my mum is awful but because MIL was a midwife and would have been an amazing help. Sadly she passed away before my DD was born.

Cheeeeesecaaaaakkkeeee · 30/05/2020 12:10

Personally, seeing as the woman is the one putting her body through hell I think she gets to decide who is there. Even a straight forward birth needs a lot of recovery time and your hormones and emotions are hell. There’s a lot of other factors though as well like how well all parties get on. I was quite laid back about who came to visit with my first and nearly all our friends and family were round at our house within the first two days. My mum was present for my labour and I had a home birth. If Id had a more traumatic birth in a hospital I might have thought differently though. Really depends on the circumstances I guess.

needanewusernameplz · 30/05/2020 12:10

No one is more important. They're all family so should be treated the same, but you should decide whats more important and what works for you and your partner.

GoingBackTo505 · 30/05/2020 12:10

I think it depends on your situation. Some people are closer to their mother in law then their own mum. Some people can't stand their mother in law. I think the new mother is the most important and the days after giving birth, she should feel comfortable with who's around whilst she's recovering. Just different for different people though.

GabriellaMontez · 30/05/2020 12:11

Agree with peach. Also, antenatally, in the delivery room and postnatally the Mothers needs should be prioritised.

UnderTheBus · 30/05/2020 12:12

I cross posted with you. In this case I dont see why it has to be either/or. If it's safe for the mum to come and see the baby from a distance, it's safe for the MIL to come and see the baby from a distance. The stuff about needing a month to get the baby "into a routine" sounds like a way of fobbing them off to be honest and is not fair.

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:12

My friend has a....strained relationship with MIL. They don't NOT get on but the MIL is apparently quite difficult and their relationship over the last 6 years hasn't been easy!

Her mother is her best friend and raised her as a single paren

Her husband is also v close to his mum

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 30/05/2020 12:14

Surely the mother of the child gets more say since shes the one thats just gone through birth and is feeling uncomfortable in her body.
It's not about it's his baby too. It's about who's leaking from their nipples with an ice pack against their privates.

MummytoCSJH · 30/05/2020 12:14

I think it's the mum giving birth who should decide who she wants around whether it's for the birth or to see her at possibly her most vulnerable at home after the birth. Shes the one going through a potentially traumatic experience and the aftermath of that plus there is so much demand on her and her body even after the baby is born, she's the one who should decide where that support comes from.

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MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:14

Yes maybe a better was to summarise this is - should the birth mothers needs be prioritised over the fathers

I'm not sure what they're doing about the corona virus and her MIL staying - I think she would have to stay for one night as she lives far away but I didn't want to include that as it's about corona virus and social distancing and I didn't want to make the tread go into a tangent

OP posts:
bee222 · 30/05/2020 12:14

MIL is just there to see the baby

Maybe if your MIL is a horrible person.

My MIL is one of the loveliest, kindest and sweetest women I have ever met. She treats me like one of her own children. Of course she will want to see me as well her son and our child.

VettiyaIruken · 30/05/2020 12:15

When you have just given birth, you're feeling bruised and battered, bleeding, hormonal, etc - who will be best for you? Your mother - who loves you, raised you, cared for you when you were ill... or your mother in law, who is only in your life because you married her son and who will most likely see it as grandchild first and you second?

When it comes to the grandchild, both sets of grandparents are equal, but when it comes to your needs... you need your own mum more than you need someone else's mum.

(Usual disclaimers about good mums v bad mums, abusive/toxic etc)

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