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Does my mum owe my money, or AIBU?

(200 Posts)
Toddlertown Tue 07-Apr-20 21:00:44

Genuinely conflicted on this, so need some non biased opinions.

I’ll try to keep it brief.

When I was in my early 20s my mum split with her then partner, she had enough money for a deposit on a flat but couldn’t borrow enough on her earnings alone so I went on the mortgage with her. She did not live there, she lived with her new partner.

I lived in the flat with a flat mate & we split the mortgage & all bills equally so mum had no expenses.

Two years later, she sold the flat for 30k more than she bought it for, she then went on to buy a house with her partner & I went back into private rental.

I gained nothing from it but I never expected/wanted to. It helped my mum out & I thought at the time, it didn’t really make any difference to my life so that was that.

Fast forward some years & I now have a partner & young children of my own. We have recently been looking into buying after being left a generous, but not huge amount of money from DPs nan.

Now going through the mortgage application, I have found out because I am not considered a first time buyer (because of the flat with mum when younger, despite no financial gain.) the stamp duty for us is almost 5k more then it would be if I hadn’t had that mortgage in my name. 😮

5k is a huge amount of difference!! & I never knew this!

Now my AIBU..!

AIBU for thinking my mum should be responsible for paying the increased amount? I can’t bare the thought of asking her & feel like I’m being a shitty person. But equally I didn’t gain a single dime from that flat but now I’m looking at being 5k down because of it and that doesn’t seem fair either?

YABU - it’s your responsibility to pay the extra
YANBU - your mum should help you


EmmaGrundyForPM Tue 07-Apr-20 21:03:11

That's a tricky one. Was the rule about stamp duty and FTBs in place when you bought the flat with your mum?

LockdownMayhem Tue 07-Apr-20 21:03:32

When you say you went in the mortgage with your mum because she couldn't on her own, did you put any money in originally?

heartsonacake Tue 07-Apr-20 21:03:43

I think YABU. The onus was on you to check what ramifications there would be if you wanted to buy in the future ie. not receiving first time buyer discounts.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend Tue 07-Apr-20 21:06:21

It’s up to you as an adult to understand the consequences of signing on a mortgage for someone else. If you didn’t do your homework that’s on you.

coconuttelegraph Tue 07-Apr-20 21:06:31

How long ago was this? Did the first time buyer stamp duty thing exist at that time?

Toddlertown Tue 07-Apr-20 21:06:32

@EmmaGrundyForPM - I have no idea!

@LockdownMayhem - No I didn’t put any money down I had none, but did pay the mortgage for 2 years? Although living there so just like renting really...

@heartsonacake - ahhh yes me now would definitely do my research, me at 21? Not so much grin

EineReiseDurchDieZeit Tue 07-Apr-20 21:06:58

As shitty as it is for you, and as frustrated as you are I don't really think your Mum has any actual obligation here...

TriangleBingoBongo Tue 07-Apr-20 21:07:58

The FTB stamp duty came in in 2017 or thereabouts I believe.

Toddlertown Tue 07-Apr-20 21:08:06

22 November 2017

Just googled & this is the date the first time buyer stamp duty reduction was introduced so no it was not in effect at the time.

Soontobe60 Tue 07-Apr-20 21:08:36

Why don't you actually ask your dm? If I was your mum in that situation I'd give you the 5k, and I would also have given you some of the money made on the flat when it was sold in the first place.

TriangleBingoBongo Tue 07-Apr-20 21:09:22

Yes, Nov 2017.

You weren’t to know but neither was your Mum. It would be nice if your Mum helped you. But she’s clearly not morally nor legally obliged.

Toddlertown Tue 07-Apr-20 21:10:19

@Soontobe60 I don’t know! I wanted to find out whether I was being completely ridiculous to even consider asking her first.

My dad thinks I definitely need to ask her

& DP thinks I definitely shouldn’t so I’m just not sure.

lifestooshort123 Tue 07-Apr-20 21:10:26

Sounds as though you have a good relationship with your mum so perhaps you could give her the facts and ask her if she would be able to help you out with the £5k. Personally I would avoid using words like owe or debt - you helped her out when she needed it and it would be great if she could do the same for you now. She's either in a financial position to do it or not.

TiptopJ Tue 07-Apr-20 21:11:08

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask her. I'm kind of leaning towards your mum has actually screwed you over a bit if I'm honest. I think she should have given you something out of the sale of it, she wouldnt have even had the flat if it wasn't for you, shes put a deposit down but then basically had you pay the mortgage and shes walked away with all the profit. Your friends money can be considered rent that's fair enough but I dont see why you shouldn't have seen at least something from the sale of it

BackforGood Tue 07-Apr-20 21:11:25

I think YABU to think she is "responsible".

I think, if she is now in a comfortable position, you could tell her about how the rules have changed since that all happened, and, because your name was on that mortgage, it now puts you at a disadvantage financially, and puts the house you were hoping to buy out of reach.

It would then be up to her to see if she feels she would like to help you, if she can afford to.

It really isn't her 'responsibility' though.

coconuttelegraph Tue 07-Apr-20 21:11:30

If it didn't exist at the time no one is at fault, it's really bad luck but I don't think you can expect your Mum to pay anything. Would you have paid her £5k if the law had changed in some way after the fact that meant she had to pay something extra?

Wynston Tue 07-Apr-20 21:12:13

Have you spoken to a mortgage advisor about this??

screwcovid19 Tue 07-Apr-20 21:12:25

I think it really should have been figured out at the time. I don't think a couple of years later you can ask for money. I really think she should have given you something at the time though.

Graffitiqueen Tue 07-Apr-20 21:13:22


sleepingdragon Tue 07-Apr-20 21:14:16

How much was the mortgage comparable to renting? It's possible you saved money compared to if you were in a market rent. I think it's just one of those things, like people who didnt have to pay university tuition fees or who got to retire earlier because of their age. If I was your mum I would have given you some of the money I made on the flat though too.

user1493413286 Tue 07-Apr-20 21:14:21

I don’t think you should ask her and there is no real reason why she should pay it but I’d tell her about it and see what she says.

Toddlertown Tue 07-Apr-20 21:14:55

Thanks all for your opinions so far I am taking them all in. I think it probably is affordable for her, but probably not ‘won’t think twice’ about it affordable... it might impact her a lot & I really don’t want that.

But this could put us back a few years so it’s equally as bad for us. It’s really tough.

If I asked mum & she said I’m sorry I really don’t have that sort of money I would understand & it would be forgotten. I just don’t know if I should even ask...

siblingrevelryagain Tue 07-Apr-20 21:15:33

Didn’t she pay half mortgage and bills whilst she wasn’t living there, or have I misinterpreted that? If so, you benefited greatly by having half the expenses paid (if not then ignore my post!)

Toddlertown Tue 07-Apr-20 21:17:42

We paid £500pm each, including bills. We’re in the south east, so it would have been about the same renting privately. I know mum didn’t profit from us being there.

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