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No kids out-of-town wedding, no kids after-wedding brunch...on Mother's Day?!

(159 Posts)
WombOfOnesOwn Fri 06-Mar-20 20:32:07

I'm in the US, so I think our dates for Mother's Day are a bit different.

We've been invited to the wedding of one of my husband's closest friends from when he was younger. I really adore this friend, though have never met his wife-to-be. The wedding is in a destination requiring 6 hours of flights each way for us, but it was a no-brainer that we'd go. The groom was one of the groomsmen in our wedding, after all!

The wedding has been scheduled for Mother's Day weekend. And no children are allowed at the ceremony or reception on Saturday, or the rehearsal or dinner on Friday. Now it turns out there's also a Sunday brunch on Mother's Day, again with no children invited.

Nearly all the groomsmen have children; I have no idea about the bride's side.

What once seemed like an obvious wedding to go to has become a huge problem: to go, we will need to either figure out hotel childcare in a strange city for events ranging over 3 days, or leave the children with my MIL while I totally miss them even being awake on Mother's Day and just have to go to work on Monday morning as usual, after a cross-country flight where I get back only in time to give my kids a kiss when they're sleeping. It guts me. They're only 4 and 2, I haven't had that many Mother's Days, and I'm pregnant again.

AIBU to think this is a very strange weekend to have a wedding and especially a post-wedding brunch that the wedding party is expected to attend, if you're not allowing children and much of the wedding party has chidren?

I find myself feeling quite frustrated with them for these restrictions, and even though I know it's their wedding and their choice, asking people to be in your wedding party at a travel cost of thousands of dollars, then ensuring that they spend their mother's day brunch with the wedding party and not their kids, seems very strange and selfish to me.

OP’s posts: |
TheThingWithFeathers Fri 06-Mar-20 20:36:51

It's not a strange weekend to have a wedding. It's spring. confused

Msmcc1212 Fri 06-Mar-20 20:37:22

I’d be a bit miffed too. It is their wedding so they have a right to do what they want but they will also need to accept some people won’t be able to make it because of childcare issues. May be if you let them know that it’s difficult to sort out and that Mother’s Day is important to you.

I went to a wedding recently and they had organised a children’s entertainer while the speeches were in. It worked wonderfully.

mindutopia Fri 06-Mar-20 20:42:01

It’s bizarre to have a childfree wedding when you know you have guests flying from far away who have children. We’ve been invited to 2 childfree weddings, one 3 hours from us and one abroad.

It’s just not the spoof thing that’s possible if you have no family help. In each case, dh went by himself (they were his friends; he was best man in one wedding). I stayed home with dc and saved the effort of travelling and sorting (non-existent) childcare.

mindutopia Fri 06-Mar-20 20:42:59

*sort of thing

Mamato2gorgeousboys Fri 06-Mar-20 20:49:06

It’s not odd to have the wedding then at all as it’s spring and if they don’t have dc, they probably didn’t think about Mother’s Day.

Could you not just say that you’ll miss the brunch on Sunday as it’s Mother’s Day so you have an early flight to get home? If you make the effort to go and are there on Friday or Saturday, I can’t see them having an issue with that.

WombOfOnesOwn Fri 06-Mar-20 21:08:48

That's about where we're at. We may just send my husband on his own, as well. It's a pity, I was looking forward to the venue and the event itself, plus meeting the bride -- and I never mind the opportunity to get dressed up a bit, they're few and far between these days!

The way time zones and flights align, even if my husband (or both of us) left the reception by midnight, drove straight to the airport (a 4 hour drive, that's the US for you), got on the first plane home at 5 AM, we'd arrive home totally wiped out at around 2 PM, short on sleep and probably snappish. Getting a flight that would let us get a few hours of sleep beforehand wouldn't get us back until the kids are sleeping. Either way, Mother's Day is pretty well shot just by the wedding itself. It'll be a shame to have to celebrate it without my husband here (especially since it's not as if a 4 and 2 year old will exactly roll out the red carpet for mom, let's be realistic, they'll be as crazy as any normal day!), but I don't see any real alternative.

It sucks. I know it's horrible and selfish but...my small birthday celebration has already been cancelled for this year (we were going to be spending it somewhere that's now full of coronavirus and where everyone's hunkering down indoors!), and now will involve making my own cake and staying home. 2 years ago I was 40 weeks pregnant on my birthday and had to cancel my own birthday dinner, and 4 years ago I was newly in recovery from a c-section for it and could do nothing but stay in bed.

My first Mother's Day as a mom was the very last day of my maternity leave, and I spent it weeping over leaving my 8 week old baby the next day. My third Mother's Day, I'd just gone back from maternity leave the week before, flown cross-country repeatedly all week, and came back the day before Mother's Day to find our entire house was flooding with sewage, and our (modest) plans for a celebration were cancelled while we dealt with the damage.

I'm not really a "everyone has to celebrate MY SPECIAL DAY" person, I'm not. My idea of a wonderful time for Mother's Day or my birthday is a handmade drawing by the kids and a meal out at a restaurant I enjoy and that will be friendly for the kids. I just feel kind of disappointed that even this seems to be out of reach, not just once or twice but pretty much half the time since I've become a mom.

That's probably why this one stings a little more than it otherwise would. I am just one guest among many and of course they don't know my unique situation, I'm just having a little pity party anyway, and keep hoping for things to stop interfering so, so frequently when I might have expected a bit of celebration just for myself.

OP’s posts: |
VenusClapTrap Fri 06-Mar-20 21:08:59

The Mothers Day thing wouldn’t bother me at all. It probably didn’t even occur to the bride and groom if they don’t have kids. I don’t think they are being at all unreasonable.

But, it bothers you, so you’ll just have to decide which is your priority. You can’t do both so you’ll have to choose. You will only get the one chance to go to their wedding however, whereas Mothers Day happens every year.

PurpleDaisies Fri 06-Mar-20 21:10:33

Can’t you just celebrate mothers the weekend after?

WombOfOnesOwn Fri 06-Mar-20 21:13:04

We probably could. Nowhere will have the special mother's day menus, and the celebrations where everyone's there with their young kids, which I'm always fond of, but these things seem to keep falling by the wayside no matter how much I romanticize them.

OP’s posts: |
BobbyBlueCat Fri 06-Mar-20 21:14:23

They're 4 and 2. They won't have a clue what day it is.

If you don't go and your husband does, as you're saying might now happen, they aren't exactly going to burst in your room with homemade breakfast on their own at that age are they? You'll just be spending a day as normal with whiny kids wanting attention.

Just go and have a nice weekend another time.
It's Mother's Day, not your 100th birthday.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Fri 06-Mar-20 21:15:06

Are you british or have any british connections? Then you have a reasonable excuse to celebrate it on the UK date?

Purpleartichoke Fri 06-Mar-20 21:15:46

The child care situation would be unworkable for us so only DH would go or
Maybe he would skip the whole thing.

The Mother’s Day overlap is just the cherry on the top of the inconsiderately planned event,

Chippednails Fri 06-Mar-20 21:15:55

Tbh a child free Mother’s Day sounds like a perfect Mother’s Day to me grin

OoohTheStatsDontLie Fri 06-Mar-20 21:16:17

Also the missing mothers day wouldnt bother me. The pre ans post wedding celebrations probably would since its childfree so I'd just fly in and out for the ceremony and main wedding (miss rehearsal dinner etc)

fairislecable Fri 06-Mar-20 21:17:39

You can’t move the wedding date but you can celebrate Mother’s Day the weekend after.

Just arrange dinner out, gifts, cards etc for the following Sunday.

It’s an invented date anyway so it really doesn’t matter.

TheSandgroper Fri 06-Mar-20 21:18:28

How many guests live near you? Would it be worth investigating the cost of a private flight? It might be more expensive but could mean skipping that 4 hour drive.

Nothing ventured and all that.

BewilderedOwl Fri 06-Mar-20 21:25:17

Your kids are too young to know its mothers day, why cant you tell them it's a later date and do something as a family? You would be doing what you would on the day anyway which is most important, right?

20Newnames Fri 06-Mar-20 21:25:28

I initially voted YANBU, it is an odd weekend to have a child free wedding. (And I am one of those who likes child free weddings).

BUT, you have having quite a pity party and I think you are over reacting to your ‘loss’ of not having the desired Mother’s Day. You can easily celebrate the next week or a few days afterwards.

Zilla1 Fri 06-Mar-20 21:29:48

That does seem an odd choice, OP and presumably the couple will have a range of no shows. Happy to be wrong but I'd expect a proportion of the guests to set more store by Mothering Sunday than many of the PPs and you wouldn't be on your own to decline the invitation.

Babybel90 Fri 06-Mar-20 21:31:19

I wouldn’t go and my DH wouldn’t want to go if his wife was de facto not invited, in my opinion if you put conditions on an invite like 6 hours away and no kids, that mean someone couldn’t possibly attend, then it’s not really an invite.

londonrach Fri 06-Mar-20 21:32:09

Its a made up day. Your children are too young to understand a made up date. Ignoring the made up day do you want to go to this wedding..if so go if not Dont. If you cant get childcare you dont go. Its an invitation not a court summons. Yabu re your over reaction to the day the wedding on. Weddings happen in spring!

Ginger1982 Fri 06-Mar-20 21:34:00

You have years of Mothers Day celebrations ahead of you.

datasgingercatspot Fri 06-Mar-20 21:36:46

People tie themselves in knots enabling wanky weddings. I wouldn't go to this at all. It's too bloody far for a weekend, expensive and you have no childcare. If I were your H I wouldn't go, either. 'Sorry, no childcare'.

Tokenismjest Fri 06-Mar-20 21:39:31

A weekend away with your partner sacrificed for a day that your kids know nothing about? Go and enjoy yourself for god’s sake!

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