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To think that I can have a full time job and still be an attachment parent?

(302 Posts)
GingaNinja84 Tue 14-Jan-20 18:56:27

All kicked off on my baby what’s app group. Basically I returned to work this week....couple days a week for a couple months, eventually going full time in the spring.

Mentioned this on my baby group what’s app, and another mum made a snarky comment about ‘how does it feel to be leaving all your work with attachment parenting behind?’

Am I wrong to be royally pissed by this, or is she right?

I get it. The main principles of AP imply that you’re barely supposed to be separated from your baby for those first few years. But I can’t afford that. I need to go back to work to pay bills and afford to raise my little one...and now this woman is making me feel like all of a sudden I can’t be attached to my baby any more?!

For the record....I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping and everything else AP entails. I just won’t be with my little girl between 9am - 5pm Monday to Friday.

AIBU to believe I can be an attachment parent and still work full time? Or am I physiologically damaging my child by going back to work? She’s 11 months old.

Cath2907 Tue 14-Jan-20 18:59:16

You can be a loving, kind and caring parent. You can support your child, enjoy time together and show them your love. None of that is ruined by working. I’m not at all sure it needs a catchy name.

audweb Tue 14-Jan-20 18:59:53

I was a breast feeding co sleeping mum who went back full time when my daughter was five. Sure these things were important, and continued to be important - but so was feeding that child food and having a roof over my head. Oh, and my life and career. My daughters now almost seven and is super confident, and still super attached to me. Nothing to worry about, if she can make the choice to stay at home, that’s on her, but it sounds like you are making the right choice for you. And you can still continue to breast feed and co sleep - by that point my wee one could go a day without milk from me without issue.

Doggodogington Tue 14-Jan-20 19:00:04

No, you will not be an attachment parent as you are working 9-5. No, it will not scar your child for life hmm

daisyflett Tue 14-Jan-20 19:00:50

In the long run you will be exactly the sort of parent you and your LO need, and any definition of the kind of parent you are is irrelevant.

The whole idea of attachment parenting is a big guilt fest. There is no evidence at all that your baby or your relationship will be harmed by you working (The cortisol studies are bullshit)

Step away from those who label you. Be the mum you need to be. It will all be okay.

audweb Tue 14-Jan-20 19:00:53

Ha! That was supposed to say eleven months old she wasn’t five when I went back to work!

Footiefan2019 Tue 14-Jan-20 19:00:54

Oh for gods sake. Why does everything have a name. And it’s called ‘using a baby carrier’, you wear a pair of shoes, not a person.

Sirzy Tue 14-Jan-20 19:01:13

Why add extra pressure on yourself by trying to label it? From the post from the other mum I’m guessing you may have made quite a think about the approach?

Parent the way that works for you as a family. It doesn’t need a name

EmrysAtticus Tue 14-Jan-20 19:01:32

Why do you need to give yourself a label? Just do what works for your family.

museumum Tue 14-Jan-20 19:01:44

No you won’t be an “attachment” parent. But no that won’t damage your child either. Do what works for you and drop the labels.

Tombliwho Tue 14-Jan-20 19:02:56

Leave the stupid group and drop the stupid labels. Just be a normal parent making their own choices for their child.

BecauseReasons Tue 14-Jan-20 19:02:58

Hmm. I work and consider myself to be an attachment parent because I have put attachment at the forefront of all my parenting decisions. So, I picked a nanny rather than a nursery (and would have picked a childminder if I couldn't afford a nanny) so that my child can create a more solid attachment to the person caring for her when I'm at work. I think attachment parenting is more to do with your priorities than following a specific set of rules.

Footiefan2019 Tue 14-Jan-20 19:03:00

My mum is the best role model I’ve ever had and she worked super hard, doing shifts, with a chronic illness from me turning 1yo. I went to a combination of childminders, family members and then day nursery then school. We are very close and she could a) do a bad-ass job at work and be someone I was proud of and b) have money for me to do hobbies and have nice stuff

Macandcheeseplease Tue 14-Jan-20 19:03:47

Forget labelling it. Are you being the mum you want to be? And are your babies needs being met? That's all you need to be bothered about. Don't listen to anyone else. People feel they need to comment on other people's parenting choices, ignore them.

Pilot12 Tue 14-Jan-20 19:04:31

You won't be an attachment parent but you'll still be a great parent.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze Tue 14-Jan-20 19:05:09

I think labels like attachment parent are really unhelpful.

EmrysAtticus Tue 14-Jan-20 19:05:36

Also you will find that the older your child gets the less this stuff matters.

WhyNotMe40 Tue 14-Jan-20 19:07:04

I think you can be an attachment parent and work - as long as you prioritise repairing your attachment to your child at every pick up. It's hard work as naturally after a day at work you want to get home, cook, eat, get kids in bed etc - but as an attachment parent you first need to reconnect. I'm not sure how possible that is to do if you are full time, but it is certainly possible part time - especially if you use childcare that prioritises the child having an attachment to the carer - so a warm empathetic childminder / nanny / grandparent etc. Or a nursery that can guarantee the children's key worker is actually the one looking after them.
There is nothing in attachment parenting to say that noone else can care for your child - especially after the 4th trimester - but that the number of carers should be less than 5 and the primary carer should repair the relationship after any separation.

user159 Tue 14-Jan-20 19:07:16

Yep, ignore! I've had similar and have taken a step back from the group as it's not true friendship. True friendship is supporting each other - not judging what others do.

Whoops75 Tue 14-Jan-20 19:09:26

She’s a cow
You’re doing what’s best for your family x

gamerwidow Tue 14-Jan-20 19:09:40

You can’t do ‘attachment parenting’ if you are at work full time but this does not mean that you won’t be a very close loving child focussed parent. You don’t have to follow any prescriptive definitions of parenting who cares if your not following a method 100% just take the bits that work for you. You don’t need to put yourself in a box.

flooredbored Tue 14-Jan-20 19:09:49

Have you been talking a lot about being an 'attachment parent'?

VioletCharlotte Tue 14-Jan-20 19:09:54

I would ignore her. I don't think labelling everything really helps. All that's important thing is you're being a good, loving Mum, looking after your baby in the way you know is best.

Thoughtlessinengland Tue 14-Jan-20 19:10:21

Why this need for a label? Some of these groups and cliques are toxic, anti-women spaces. Why ruin the first few years of parenthood by engaging with these spaces?

There is an alternative here. Enjoy parenting. Enjoy work. Enjoy hobbies. Enjoy your child. Just live.

PlanDeRaccordement Tue 14-Jan-20 19:10:40

The main principles of AP imply that you’re barely supposed to be separated from your baby for those first few years.

That’s not AP. That’s some idiot taking AP to the illogical extreme.

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