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Christmas dinner drama

(269 Posts)
thegreenlight Tue 19-Nov-19 19:36:56

My husband is cooking turkey Christmas dinner this year with all the trimmings. We have invited my parents and my mum said she would bring beef in gravy. I told my husband this and he was quite upset (he only really cooks at Christmas and it is kind of a big deal to him) I very gently suggested to my mum that she not bring anything and she was fine with this initially.

However, when I saw her next she said that my dad (who is in his 70s) wasn’t coming if he couldn’t eat the meat he wanted and that if he was a vegetarian we would have to cater to him and this is no different. I am now stuck in the middle and don’t know who is being more unreasonable.

My husband said that we should cancel them coming to dinner if they won’t eat what he cooks and we should just pop in to see them on Christmas day but I don’t want to drag our DDs (6 and 2) away from their presents.

My parents can be quite narcissistic and controlling and there is a bit of bad blood with my husband and them due to their previous treatment of me but they seem blissfully unaware of this. This has probably coloured DHs reaction. They do do a lot for us (my mum is looking after DD2 2 days a week until September).

I can see where DH is coming from but I don’t put as much importance on Christmas dinner as he does.

Help! I don’t know what to do. Any direct engagement between my parents and DH would cause a massive falling out as he hasn’t had the lifetime’s experience of dealing with them like I have and will just tell it as it is and that would be taken out on me. Advice please!

Bluntness100 Tue 19-Nov-19 19:38:44

For goodness sake, he's being such a precious twat. Who cares, let them bring their beef and eat it, tell him to grow the hell up.

picklemepopcorn Tue 19-Nov-19 19:39:25

Ask your husband to write it off as your dad being a dick.

He can make a lovely meal and those who wish will enjoy it. He can ignore those who don't.

StCharlotte Tue 19-Nov-19 19:41:02

Okay imagine you were the cook and your FIL insisted on bringing other food and your DH was dithering...

Altogether now: "you have a DH problem."

Your DH is making a stand. You need to back him up and your dad needs to behave himself.

PrayingandHoping Tue 19-Nov-19 19:41:53

I think your parents are being rude unless there really is a long standing fact your dad hates turkey?!!! If he was a vegetarian he would just eat the veg and not the turkey so his point is mute

In my family we have people who are veg, only eat white meat and a nut allergy! So I get dietary needs. But they are consistent and don't throw toys out the pram

Sounds like your parents are being controlling because your husband is cooking and they know it'll upset and annoy him

MegaBlock Tue 19-Nov-19 19:42:31

I don’t like turkey so I wouldn’t want to eat it on Christmas Day either. I’d let them bring their own meat.

Even though we don’t eat turkey I still do turkey aswell as another meat as for my mum and MIL it wouldn’t be christmas without turkey for them and I’d like actually like my guests to be happy and enjoy themselves.

CalmdownJanet Tue 19-Nov-19 19:42:40

Well the bad blood/controlling behaviour is a bit of a red herring given you are happy to use them for childcare two days a week.

I'd just let him have the beef, I mean they are bringing it, it's no extra work, I think your husband is being precious

MyNewBearTotoro Tue 19-Nov-19 19:44:03

Surely if your Dad wants to bring his own meat it’s no big deal, it’s not like he’s forcing your DH to cook it and I think it’s reasonable if he wants his traditional meat at the meal. It wouldn’t bother me if someone wanted to bring a dish to a Christmas dinner I was making, I’d be glad it was one less thing for me to do!

NoSauce Tue 19-Nov-19 19:46:12

My parents can be quite narcissistic and controlling and there is a bit of bad blood with my husband and them due to their previous treatment of me but they seem blissfully unaware of this

I guess that’s why your H is putting his foot down here. A long history of your dad being a selfish sod.

DragonflyInn Tue 19-Nov-19 19:48:39

Oh my gosh. Surely for the sake of good family relations you let them bring a plate of beef! It’s no bother and not a slight on all the other lovely things being cooked. If it’s a problem relationship with your parents though, I would get that perhaps you wish to make a stand - if you weren’t using them for childcare. Honestly I have to make all sorts of compromises with my in-laws. A plate of meat would be the least of them!

Winterdaysarehere Tue 19-Nov-19 19:49:42

Suggest dh will serve beef also. See if they still insist they bring it. Bet they just won't accept dh being The Chef.
If they insist just suggest they stay home.

Bluntness100 Tue 19-Nov-19 19:49:54

Your DH is making a stand. You need to back him up and your dad needs to behave himself

Making a stand that people must eat his turkey! That's the best thing I've read on here all week, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

CheeryB Tue 19-Nov-19 19:50:03

If he was a vegetarian he would just eat the veg and not the turkey so his point is mute

Really? If I invited a veggie to Xmas dinner I'd cater something for them even if it was just a nut roast.
Some people just don't like turkey, I don't like it much, it gives me stomach ache.
I think the DH is bvu and quite childish.

CalmdownJanet Tue 19-Nov-19 19:50:15

But happy to not put his foot down when accepting two days free childcare for the selfish sod? Nah sorry fuck that, that's not how it works nosauce

CalmdownJanet Tue 19-Nov-19 19:51:01


NoSauce Tue 19-Nov-19 19:51:24

It’s obviously not just about the beef. I doubt the husband here would give a fig if his in-laws hasn’t been controlling for years.

But for the sake of Christmas Peace he should probably just suck it up and allow the beef.

Thatnovembernight Tue 19-Nov-19 19:51:47

My Dad doesn’t eat poultry so my parents either bring a bit of beef or a pie. All the rest of the Christmas dinner is the same. It’s never entered my head to get uptight or offended about this.

InACheeseAndPickle Tue 19-Nov-19 19:52:00

Your parents are being rude but I'd probably encourage DH to roll his eyes and let them get on with it - especially since they're providing childcare.

NoSauce Tue 19-Nov-19 19:52:55

You’re ok with people being narc and controlling just because they help out with childcare Janet?


ThisIsReworked Tue 19-Nov-19 19:53:10

You cannot force guests to eat anything! There is little or no additional work for your DH, so he really needs to get over himself. They will surely have all the other bits he makes.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 Tue 19-Nov-19 19:54:20

You're dh is being a dick here theres no issue with you're parents bringing beef. I'm not fussed in Turkey either. Slagging you're parents off but using them for childcare nice.

NoSauce Tue 19-Nov-19 19:54:34

OP what sort of behaviour are we talking about from your parents re their narc and controlling tendencies?

JoObrien7 Tue 19-Nov-19 19:55:16


Not everyone likes turkey I find it a bit bland and wouldn't care less if I never ate it again. I think he should be allowed to bring his beef and your husband should remember it is Christmas and make allowances for an old man. My grandmother who has been dead a long time now insisted we had this horrible Walkers Christmas pudding because she always loved it when she was a young girl. We would steam the horrible thing and eat it even though it was like rubber and had chewy cherries in it. Sometimes you have to give and take at Christmas.

UnaCorda Tue 19-Nov-19 19:55:16

If he was a vegetarian he would just eat the veg and not the turkey so his point is mute

On the contrary, it sounds as if it's being made very vocally by both the OP's parents...

NoSauce Tue 19-Nov-19 19:55:59

My parents can be quite narcissistic and controlling and there is a bit of bad blood with my husband and them due to their previous treatment of me but they seem blissfully unaware of this. This has probably coloured DHs reaction

Are people wilfully ignoring that ^

babydog Tue 19-Nov-19 19:56:06

if your DH doesn't want them to bring a plate of beef (confused) then, will he cook beef as well

is it not a bit weird/controlling to invite guests and insist they can't bring alternative food because they have identified that they don't like what you are cooking, ahead of time. I know, in that circumstance I would either cook an additional dish or let the guest bring their own

would your DH insist your friends are food that they didn't like, when they visit your house?

ToniHargis Tue 19-Nov-19 19:56:43

I'd let them bring it but they also have to heat/cook and serve it as they want it served. It would be extremely rude of them to bring something and expect your husband to get it table ready.
Other than that, I can understand why he's upset if this is just another of their controlling ways, but he can just make the most fabulous meal and everyone else can enjoy it.

Halo1234 Tue 19-Nov-19 19:57:52

They are all as bad as each other. Either one could choose to be more reasonable. Your dad could have his beef that night at home. Eating one meal that isnt to your exact choice isnt going to be that much or a hardship. Equally your dh could let him eat what he wants without a fuss. Its christmas let him eat beef if he wants. Dont know who is being more unreasonable. They both are. I feel for you and your DM. Because he is older and your parent I would probably back him out of respect for elders and parents but I am torn dont think either is behaving well. Good luck.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 19-Nov-19 19:57:54

Why didn’t he offer to also do beef? I’m veggie, DH and DSC all like different meat so we have a choice of things. One of my brothers is veggie and doesn’t like nut roast so when he comes for Christmas while I love it I do a different veggie main. That’s just good hosting. If they’re your only guests you accommodate their tastes.

I get that your DH hates your dad so is making an issue of this but when you host people it’s your job to give them what you know they’ll enjoy and it sounds like he didn’t want them coming over so this is a convenient excuse.

How on earth will your Christmas Day be if the two of them aren’t talking?

DonKeyshot Tue 19-Nov-19 19:58:54

What would it take to put a small joint of beef in the oven with the turkey, albeit that the beef would go in the oven at a later time? The trimmings will be the same for both meats.

Of course your df should eat the meat he prefers and I can't see that your dps' request is in any way onerous.

Your dh is being a dick and needs reminding of what it would cost to put your dc into daycare for 2 days a week.

MadameButterface Tue 19-Nov-19 19:59:15

Your dad is being a nob and your dh is being a diva. If this is the hill your dh wants to die on he better come up with a childcare plan and the cash to pay for it, can he do that? He could buy a marks and spencer beef in gravy and stick that in and have done. I don’t get people who are precious about what they eat on christmas day, and i equally don’t get people who are precious about other people being fussy about food, it’s their loss. Either tell them to sort it between them or tell yr parents just to come before or after the meal, but if they really are pwtty be prepared for the childcare arrangement to either end or become untenable due to further shenanigans

MadameButterface Tue 19-Nov-19 19:59:27


NoParticularPattern Tue 19-Nov-19 20:00:09

Hang on. So when invited your mum just told you she was bringing beef in gravy? It’s one thing to offer to bring something/do something to help out and reduce the stress of catering for lots of people, but quite another to just state that you’ll be bringing your own meat. Sorry but your parents are being unreasonable. If they don’t want to eat the meal that your DH is cooking then they are free to go elsewhere, not just shoehorn their food into his plans. You need to back him up. You say yourself your parents have narcissistic tendencies, you know they’re being unreasonable because that’s obviously what they do. Tell them that DH is cooking and has no need for the beef. They are very welcome to join you or they are welcome to pop in at some other point in the day. Failing that you’ll see them another day with the kids.

JoObrien7 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:00:18

I am going to my local pub for Christmas dinner and I am having beef wellington grin

CheeryB Tue 19-Nov-19 20:00:31

I wouldn't want people with whom I shared 'bad blood' looking after my children.

ALadyofLetters Tue 19-Nov-19 20:00:34

Why does he only ever cook at Christmas?

Just let your dad bring the beef. If your dad was insisting that you cook him beef then I can see the problem but bringing it with them?

ELM8 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:00:36

I'm on your husband's side with this BUT as you're getting childcare out of them I think he needs to suck it up. You can't make a point with someone over a dinner and then expect them to have your child two days a week.

PrayingandHoping Tue 19-Nov-19 20:00:48

My veggie sis in law happily just eats the veg 😂 but we do cook a lot of variety of it!! We all cook together and she was asked and the only request is veggie gravy which I'd happily made lol

thegreenlight Tue 19-Nov-19 20:03:03

It doesn’t help that my family have a tradition of having a number of meats and a number of starter choices and a number of deserts so to me it’s not a big deal at all. I think this is my dad being a stubborn sod but mostly my DH not liking my parents. He used to like them very much but as he’s got older and we have had children of our own he has become less and less tolerant of their behaviours. It is heartbreaking for me as I still love them despite their moments and would hate to hurt or upset them.

Cheeserton Tue 19-Nov-19 20:03:05

Have you seriously not stopped to think quite how utterly ridiculous this is to be making a fuss about? "Taking a stand" indeed! grin Ye gods...

CalmdownJanet Tue 19-Nov-19 20:03:40

Well I'm no user so if I felt like that about them I wouldn't be using them for childcare at all. You can't have it both ways.

PrayingandHoping Tue 19-Nov-19 20:04:43

That's a clash of traditions then OP.... 🤷‍♀️

JayDot500 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:06:52

Yuk Turkey.

If I was coming to yours for Xmas dinner, I'd be dreading the idea of no alternative meat options. On Xmas of all days. I can't fathom chewing that dry ass meat for what feels like years per forkful. My husband is like your dad. For him, most English foods are totally bland to him, so we pretty much always bring something he'll eat alongside trimmings. No one has cast us out onto the streets yet. One friend asked us what he liked and cooked that alongside her original menu. My husband was very grateful and my friend felt great because he was complimenting her cooking.

As much as there is history between your folks and DH, DH is being unreasonable here because he even didn't offer to provide an alternative. Your mother offered to bring the meat, so as to not inconvenience you/him but instead now your DH wants to cancel everything. Sounds like toys being hurtled from the pram...

ASundayWellSpent Tue 19-Nov-19 20:08:25

Your update could have been me OP. If it were a problem of mine with the ILs I would suck it up for the sake of one meal and one day. But if it were my DH wanting to stand up to my parents (who deserve it as do yours from the sound of your post) I would have to back him up and ask them to either follow our plan or make alternative arrangements for seeing them. Its bloody awkward and sad, but let the man have some self respect.

Aroundnabout1 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:08:36

Your dad and husband are both being a bit awkward and difficult. Its insulting to bring their own meat but i dont like turkey either. If i was your husband I would rise above it and be the adult.

UOkhun77 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:10:18

Your DH sounds as narcissistic and controlling as your parents to be honest. It’s rude of your Dad, I agree, but it’s also a bit out of order for your DH to insist he eats his turkey or doesn’t come.

This has got me wondering whether I could get away with taking a full Christmas dinner to my in-laws this year given what a horrendous cook MIL is... grin

Soontobe60 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:10:23

Your DH is the one being controlling here. I've made Many Christmas dinners, and I would always cater for everyone. I ask all the guests what they like beforehand so I can plan it, then cook whatever they ask for, so beef, lamb, chicken or pork if necessary. I never cook turkey because I'm rubbish at it, so if someone wants it I usually ask my sister to do one and bring it. ( we have a big family btw)
It sounds like your DH is just trying to make a point and dare I say it be macho with your DF. As in, 'I've invited you to MY house so you'll eat what I say'

Satsumauma Tue 19-Nov-19 20:10:59

Do your parents like to eat turkey but prefer beef? Or do they not like it? If it's just a preference I wouldn't let them bring it. What would happen if every guest insisted on bringing their own thing.

tiredybear Tue 19-Nov-19 20:11:02

if it were just the meat, then your DH is bu, but it's not. I see where he's coming from. But he needs to be the better man and not lower himself. Let them eat their beef and just make a big deal of how lovely your DH's cooking is. Remind your DH that as they are narc and controlling, surely getting upset about it is playing directly into their hands - much better to let it go and enjoy your day.

VignetteStonemoss Tue 19-Nov-19 20:11:35

Your dad is being rude and your dh is being uptight (although given the history I'm not really surprised). I don't know what to suggest really as either way it's going to cause a problem and leave people feeling resentful.

I've been in this situation with my FIL who insists my MIL makes certain food to bring with them whenever we invite them for dinner. And it's always food that doesn't go with what we're eating- like a plate of boiled onions and liver when we're eating lasagne. He does this just to try and stir up issues between me and dh, to hint that my cooking isn't good enough for him and just generally because he's a contrary prick. I just ignore it and let him get on with it because I know it riles him up more when I don't react.

MurrayTheMonk Tue 19-Nov-19 20:12:04

Oh for gods sake.
If the problem is actually the beef just forget it. Let him bring it. Who cares really?
It's not worth an argument. I love a two meat roast personally. Get in! That's what I'd be thinking.
If it's the fact that your parents get on your and you DH's tits in general and the beef is a red herring, well disinvite then. But don't expect them to look after your kids for free anymore...

NoSauce Tue 19-Nov-19 20:12:12

What sort of stuff have they done OP?
Stop being vague. I don’t understand why you use them for childcare personally if their behaviour is bad.

CalleighDoodle Tue 19-Nov-19 20:12:51

Wtaf does your dh only cook at christmas?!

justasking111 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:12:58

My narcissistic mother spoilt more family events than I can count, thank god I finally put a stop to it. Tell your parents you will see them sometime over xmas maybe Boxing Day and they can put that in their pipe and smoke it. If they refuse, shrug and say OK. No drama just OK.

PepsiLola Tue 19-Nov-19 20:13:21

I would just say sorry, this is what we're having at on our Christmas Day, you are more than welcome to join us and eat with us, but it's pretty insulting to bring your own food rather than eat ours. If you don't want turkey that's fine, you don't have to eat with us and we'll see you Boxing Day instead

Anniegetyourgun Tue 19-Nov-19 20:14:23

Another turkey non-fan here. My theory is that Christmas dinner has to have "all the trimmings" so you get some actual flavour going on.

Pussinboots25 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:15:25

Hmmmm, it’s no big deal is it. I feel like there’s another problem between your parents and husband for him to suggest cancelling them over this. My partners dad doesn’t eat certain meat or anything with fat, therefore my mums doing chicken separate for him. It’s christmas ffs

Mercedes519 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:16:14

Reverse this and we have a really common story on MN. ILs who have a history and a DH who doesn’t stand up to them and won’t admit they cause trouble, just wants to keep the peace.

Sounds familiar? “You have a DH problem” “Go low contact”

But because it’s the DH standing up to them he’s now being macho and difficult.

This isn’t about meat OP. You need to choose whether you back your DH or spend your life torn into two by trying to please everyone.

FenellaMaxwell Tue 19-Nov-19 20:16:49

Your problem here is not the Christmas dinner menu. It’s that your lazy husband only cooks once a year!

Supersimkin2 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:17:06

Your parents are rude, whiny and annoying. Wouldn't you have a lovely Xmas without them?

Celebelly Tue 19-Nov-19 20:18:46

Why can't he just bring the beef and your husband do turkey (maybe even a smaller turkey or a turkey crown or something) and then everyone is happy? My parents are vegetarians but we have turkey when we go to theirs for Christmas and they have their own 'main'. It works fine, no stress.

Sarahandco Tue 19-Nov-19 20:18:59

I would tell your husband that his turkey will be much nicer than dads beef in gravy. Try and get your husband to see the funny side if you can. Maybe make it into a bit of competition, see who has the nicest meal. As long as that does not cause a big family argument of course!

escapade1234 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:19:29

How can this matter to any of you?

NoSauce Tue 19-Nov-19 20:19:47

Your problem here is not the Christmas dinner menu. It’s that your lazy husband only cooks once a year!

What has that got to do with anything?

MustardScreams Tue 19-Nov-19 20:20:14

So your dh will use your parents for free childcare but won’t let your dad bring some beef to Christmas dinner?

Honestly. Both of you give your head a wobble and stop being so bloody ridiculous. It’s beef! At Christmas. Who gives a fuck what anyone eats, really?

Ragwort Tue 19-Nov-19 20:20:32

I think your DDad is being rude and trying to ‘assert’ himself over your DH. If he had a genuine allergy to turkey that would be different but just because ‘he doesn’t like it’ hmm - tough, we’ve all had to sit through meals that we don’t particularly like, it’s just being an adult. My dad doesn’t like turkey, but he always has a small helping on Christmas Day and fills up on other parts of the meal.

ElleEmDee Tue 19-Nov-19 20:20:43

Remind your DH your parents are providing significant (presumably free) childcare for his child in the coming months and perhaps he just needs to suck this one up. With such pigheadedness on both sides, you risk this getting blown out of proportion and you might find the childcare offer withdrawn.

Spitsandspots Tue 19-Nov-19 20:21:29

my family have a tradition of having a number of meats and a number of starter choices and a number of deserts so to me it’s not a big deal at all

Nor me. As pp said, clash of traditions. I personally HATE turkey, would rather just eat potatoes and veg dry than have any turkey & turkey gravy BUT I would totally understand someone wanting something else on offer other than turkey, even outside of my family, anywhere else I’ve been I have always seen least two meats offered.

DH is BVU, especially being as they are looking after DD and have offered to bring the alternative meat.

Also My husband said that we should cancel them coming to dinner if they won’t eat what he cooks and we should just pop in to see them on Christmas day

Him cooking the turkey & them bringing beef is a COMPROMISE. DH is saying that they shouldn’t come if they bring beef! So, who is more controlling here?
Strikes me you have swapped living with one controlling family for another controlling situation.

Loopytiles Tue 19-Nov-19 20:21:45

WTF: you’re fine with your “narcissistic” parents looking after your DC 2 days a week, and DH peackocking/showncooking only once a year, but not fine with your father offending your H’s chef ego.

donquixotedelamancha Tue 19-Nov-19 20:22:26

If he was a vegetarian he would just eat the veg and not the turkey so his point is mute

I think you'll find it's not a mute point. It's a moo point :-)

FenellaMaxwell Tue 19-Nov-19 20:22:46

@NoSauce the DH is being particularly sanctimonious about the meal because it’s the only one he cooks in the whole year. If he did his fair share of cooking then he wouldn’t be fussed remotely about someone bringing beef.

flouncyfanny Tue 19-Nov-19 20:22:56

I'm team DH.
If you are invited for a meal, you accept what is provided for you - you DO NOT BRING YOUR OWN which is basically what your mum will do for your dad.
NO. they can choose to come and appreciate a meal cooked for them, or stay at home and eat their own food.

I love that your DH is standing his ground against them, it's for you - you do realize that, don't you?

NoSquirrels Tue 19-Nov-19 20:25:03

They do do a lot for us (my mum is looking after DD2 2 days a week until September).

(he only really cooks at Christmas and it is kind of a big deal to him)

Any direct engagement between my parents and DH would cause a massive falling out

He used to like them very much but as he’s got older and we have had children of our own he has become less and less tolerant

Your DH is being a very ungracious host.

He knows everyone eats all year, right? One roast dinner doesn’t make him The King of Catering.

Either it’s a celebration meal, in which case cater to the guests you have invited (or let them bring their own dish to contribute) or don’t offer to cook.

Sorry, maybe your parents have been controlling in the past but he’s acting like a wanker on this one. A somewhat controlling wanker, quite honestly.

thegreenlight Tue 19-Nov-19 20:25:51

It’s me that insisted on mum doing childcare x he’s never been happy about it and has just reminded me of that loudly. She looked after my first and I wanted my second to have a good relationship too.

misspiggy19 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:25:58

This is just another way of your parents controlling you. I’m with your DH on this

NoSauce Tue 19-Nov-19 20:26:07

FenellaMaxwell I see what you mean but I think it’s more the beef ( see what I did there ) he has with his FIL in general why he’s behaving like this.

JasonPollack Tue 19-Nov-19 20:29:30

I'm with your DH, i would find it rude also. And your dad is being a controlling child. Do you always give in to your parents? I think your husband has a you problem!

plightofthealbatross Tue 19-Nov-19 20:29:46

I really struggle to see how how your parents bringing some beef to enjoy with the rest of the meal is a big deal.

Bluerussian Tue 19-Nov-19 20:30:28

I think your parents - particularly your dad - are being very unreasonable. It is not, however, unusual to have another meat alongside turkey - pork, beef or gammon. Would your husband consider doing that?

If you put it to him like that he might be more accepting of your mum bringing beef and gravy, her way of 'helping/contributing' if you like.

I really do hope all goes well, Christmas often seems to bring out the worst in some families.

justasking111 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:30:47

They do free childcare, well they have you over a barrel for now. I can see why your DH isn`t keen on them having the children if they think it gives them carte blanche to set the rules.

Having said all that I would love a huge rib of beef on Christmas Day rather than a turkey grin

BillHadersNewWife Tue 19-Nov-19 20:31:14

Ridiculous! Some households have three or four types of meat at Christmas! Your DH is like a child!

MustardScreams Tue 19-Nov-19 20:32:01

I can’t imagine ever being so ridiculous that I would begrudge my own parents, or my PIL bringing some food they liked for Christmas.

Is your life so very dull that this is the only thing you have to worry about?

TatianaLarina Tue 19-Nov-19 20:32:14

I'm team DH.
If you are invited for a meal, you accept what is provided for you - you DO NOT BRING YOUR OWN which is basically what your mum will do for your dad.

Absolutely. Staggeringly rude.

When I’m asked out for dinner I don’t ask what the menu is and if I don’t fancy it announce I will bring own roast duck or I’m not coming.

Christmas in our house is turkey and all the trimmings. If people want to join us they are more than welcome. But that is the menu. Veggie I can accommodate because they don’t eat meat. But if you eat meat, you simply don’t fancy turkey that’s fine go somewhere else.

ReanimatedSGB Tue 19-Nov-19 20:32:32

I think the H is as controlling/self-obsessed, if not more so, than the parents. In fact, OP, did you find your parents 'difficult' when you were growing up, or is it just since your H decided that he had to be the most important person that the relationship became strained?

An H who was a reasonable person, and who perhaps did his share of the cooking on a regular basis (rather than doing one performance roast a year and no doubt sulking if you don't all have orgasms over it with every bite) would just shrug and laugh and go along with it - not least because, if you do have a guest who is doing this for attention and drama, cheerfully accepting them bringing their own food tends to spike their guns.

scubadive Tue 19-Nov-19 20:33:10

You need to make light of it, tell DH your Dad is old, stuck in his ways and to just ignore him like everyone else does. Then let your mum bring the beef, yes incredibly rude to bring your own food not tell DH he should rise above it.

TatianaLarina Tue 19-Nov-19 20:33:27

And your dad is being a controlling child.

Yup. No doubt they are controlling in other ways. OP needs to take a stand.

NoSquirrels Tue 19-Nov-19 20:33:51

This is just another way of your parents controlling you.

It’s beef in gravy. No one else has to eat it except OP’s Dad (and maybe her Mum).

Isn’t it possible for a grown-up man to rise above this?

He’s not being asked to ONLY serve MIL’s beef in gravy. He’s not being asked to eat it, and neither is anyone else- they can eat the World’s Most Special Turkey Prepared Annually Only by Male Hand and ooh and aah over it.

It may be on the rude side to insist but honestly if you host, then bloody well HOST, man. Take some pride in rising above provocation and be considerate of your guests.

It’s one meal. Peace and goodwill.

BlouseAndSkirt Tue 19-Nov-19 20:33:57

Stuck between a knob and a diva.

Christmas lunch is not the moment to 'make a stand' about a portion of beef in gravy.

There are loads of 'trimmings' that your DH is cooking, all of which are more fiddly to make than the actual turkey, and presumably your Dad will be eating these?

Will your DH throw a hissy fit if your Dad declines to eat any red cabbage? Take a stand and make him sit at the table til he's eaten it?

What if they bring a bottle of Liebfraumilch because they don't like the Chablis your DH serves with the prawn cocktail? Will your DH tell them they can't come?

Your Dad is obviously being a nob, too. But your DH needs to find another occasion to make his stand.

Jeez, two men making life difficult for two women. Who'da thunk it.

Travis1 Tue 19-Nov-19 20:34:27

Who only does turkey on Christmas Day though? I’d be gutted turkey is the worst meat. grin

blackteasplease Tue 19-Nov-19 20:35:26

They all sound awful tbh. Your parents and DH. No one should be making a fuss about this - either insisting on bringing the beef or insisting on it not being brought.

I also wonder why you allow narcissistic people to care for your DC. Your later post about them caring for first DC does not clear that up!

Does your DH have a deeper problem with them - he must do - and what is it?

Whilst i think he’s being precious about his big deal dinner, I also think it’s ridiculous of them to stick their heels in about the beef.

TFSRM Tue 19-Nov-19 20:35:36

It is one meal!!! Your dad is being unreasonable. He can eat what everyone else eats for one meal. This is not the same as being vegetarian.

MrOnionsBumperRoller Tue 19-Nov-19 20:36:50

Your DH is being a controlling egotistical twat and turkey is the MDF in the world of meat. Y(He) ABVVU.

MustardScreams Tue 19-Nov-19 20:37:19

But it’s christmas. Why shouldn’t everyone have what they enjoy eating?

Turkey is shit anyway, I’d bring my own beef if that was the only option.

ShippingNews Tue 19-Nov-19 20:37:25

This is just another way of your parents controlling you

No it isn't ! It's a plate of meat !. At my place we normally have about 3-4 different meats on Christmas Day. And about 10 different vegetables and salads. Why on earth is a plate of beef causing such angst ? Just let both men provide the meat they like , and enjoy Christmas.

DriftingLeaves Tue 19-Nov-19 20:38:16

I think your DH is every bit as controlling as your parents.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Tue 19-Nov-19 20:39:01

You are caught in the middle. Each side testing you to see who you will choose.

I sympathise.

Take a stand. Tell them all they are making you miserable.

Don’t put up with this shit any longer.

Though I have to say if your DH only cooks once a year I’d not really defer to his preferences in that scenario. He sounds no less controlling than your parents. And a bit odd.

You are in a difficult position. Put there by people who are supposed to love you.

NoSquirrels Tue 19-Nov-19 20:40:07

Jeez, two men making life difficult for two women. Who'da thunk it.


Your DH clearly doesn’t want to spend Christmas with your FIL.

Your FIL doesn’t want to spend Christmas with your DH either.

Neither of them are thinking of their wives, or of the children.

Lunde Tue 19-Nov-19 20:40:34

So you have been conditioned by your parents to give in to their want "to keep the peace" even if it upsets your DH. You have got your way on the childcare issue, now Christmas dinner and probably other things as well.

I think your DH must be feeling pretty undermined by you and your parents that he is always overruled by what they want. Your DH must be feeling that you are not a team and what he wants is never good enough. You don't see a problem with them bringing roast beef - but presumably they will want oven or hob space that your dh will be using for his turkey dinner.

You seem to be saying that your dh should once again suck it up so that you can pander to your parents

Pomley Tue 19-Nov-19 20:40:45

It's some meat, for goodness sake, do people not have anything else going on in their lives that they can get worked up about this?

babydog Tue 19-Nov-19 20:40:57

in this (ridiculous) situation, I would sack them all off and go to McDonalds on my own for a toffee latte (I don't even like McDonalds)

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