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No present for oldest child?

(195 Posts)
Wingingit247 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:28:10

I have 3 DC and my eldest is from a previous relationship. We don't see DH's dad that often, but when we do he always brings presents for the two youngest but not the eldest. He is a lovely chap but AIBU to want to throttle him?? My eldest always looks a bit crestfallen but accepting, like he understands he isn't as important, breaks my heart!

Wingingit247 Mon 18-Nov-19 19:13:35

FIL just isn't the most aware person in the world, I genuinely don't think he realises. He even gave the younger two a pound each last time while my eldest looked on sadly. I was itching to say something! I gave him some money for a game to help make up for it, but it doesn't does it? I keep saying stuff to DH about it but he seems to find it have to talk to his dad for some reason.

BlueJava Mon 18-Nov-19 19:15:00

That's horrible, not nice for eldest DS at all. However, if it's been happening since he was 2 you aren't going to resolve it without a lot of hassle I think. I think he's actually thought about it and it's deliberate. Sorry OP

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily Mon 18-Nov-19 19:19:12

Why haven’t you said something to him, OP? Stop being so bloody passive, while your poor child is being made to feel like shit. Spell it out to the bloody man, that it’s either all three or none. Tell him that your oldest loves him, but that what he’s doing is breaking your child’s heart. It’s horrible, absolutely horrible. My mil even included my sister’s children, with the grandchildren when I’d visit with them.

Dollymixture22 Mon 18-Nov-19 19:22:39

It sounds like he is being deliberately cruel. No one is this stupid.

Mothership4two Mon 18-Nov-19 19:25:09

How would he feel if he remarried and you left out his new wife because she's not related? Guessing no mil on the scene from what you wrote.

Spitsandspots Mon 18-Nov-19 19:25:46

“Thank you FIL It’s nice you want to treat the children but in future either treat them all or none at all..... would you like a cuppa?”

Wingingit247 Mon 18-Nov-19 19:26:11

I'm feeling terrible now that I haven't made more fuss about this sad

Mothership4two Mon 18-Nov-19 19:26:57

I keep saying stuff to DH about it but he seems to find it have to talk to his dad for some reason

Then you do it (and DH should grow some balls!)

Contraceptionismyfriend Mon 18-Nov-19 19:27:29

I would defiantly make a fuss about this. Completely unacceptable.

But I'd also ensure that DS knows that there is a difference. Not in a cruel way but just to prepare for the inevitable future of when he isn't in their wills but his siblings are.

Henhophouse Mon 18-Nov-19 19:29:02

I think you need to make more fuss of it and very quickly. It’s extremely unfair and it needs to be made very clear that unfair treatment of the children isn’t going to be tolerated. This sort of thing damages children, I know because I was one. The feeling is worthlessness and the realisation that you don’t mean anything to the person giving the gifts is damaging.
It’s especially worse if it’s just token gifts - why can’t they ALL have token gifts? Awful of your FIL and bad of your DH not to deal with this directly and strongly.

Winterdaysarehere Mon 18-Nov-19 19:32:03

One Xmas my df turned up with 3 Xmas presents.
A selection box each. Not grabby, didn't care less what the gift was (despite him having had a 'big win' not long before...)
Except I had 4 dc...
He claimed he didn't think the youngest (11 months) would eat chocolate!
Your dh should have spoken to him many moons ago op.
Your poor dc.

Justaboy Mon 18-Nov-19 19:33:06

Tight .. Mean .. Barstardsad

Wingingit247 Mon 18-Nov-19 19:33:12

Thank you so much to everyone! It's clear that I should have done something before now, sometimes you just need it spelling out. I'm fiercely protective of my eldest usually so I didn't want to be unfair on FIL if I was just being over the top. But it seems I'm not so that's really helped! Action will be taken directly!

MacabreMannequinFun Mon 18-Nov-19 19:34:57

Wow this is so sad, your poor son must feel like shit. I'd not let the fool back in and I'd be ignoring my husband until he grew a backbone.

CountFosco Mon 18-Nov-19 19:36:03

That is so cruel. I never understand how people can do that to a child.

I have a relative who fosters (short term so they have a different child with them pretty much every time we meet up). And yet everyone in the family always gets a little something for the foster child at Christmas or when visiting etc. Because how much will it mean to the child vs how little effort it is for the adult (foster children actually often end up with the most presents at Christmas because their own family will buy from them as well).

Winterdaysarehere Mon 18-Nov-19 19:36:14

Remember op , your dh and his family didn't' take ds on 'as is the awful phrase - but you kindly allowed them to share your amazing dc. And he should be bloody well appreciated and loved.

Abouttimemum Mon 18-Nov-19 19:36:57

It’s mean. My sister has two step children and we buy for them the same as I buy for all my nephews. My other sister has two grown up step children and we used to buy for them and now we buy for their children (albeit token gifts as there’s six of them!)
My parents have always bought for their step grand children the same as they have their grandchildren.

They are my sisters’ families and therefore our family.

DishingOutDone Mon 18-Nov-19 19:37:39

What a spiteful thing to do, and and your DH have enabled it for many years - he must be a manipulative man, I dont but the "FiL is not very aware". Your poor DS.

DishingOutDone Mon 18-Nov-19 19:38:07

"dont buy" not don't but!

Beautiful3 Mon 18-Nov-19 19:39:27

I honestly would have said, "where is x present/pound too?!" And "come on, don't leave x out, it isn't nice". You really should be sticking up for him and saying something at the times it's happening. If he says, hes too old for the presents. Just reply he likes chocolate and money.

FenellaMaxwell Mon 18-Nov-19 19:39:55

I don’t understand how this has gone on for a decade and neither you nor your DH have done anything about it.

Tooner Mon 18-Nov-19 19:42:20

He must be aware that he is leaving your Son out. Three kids and he only gives to two. Christ, if I gave my young nephews a pound and their friend was there I would give him a pound too. You don't leave kids out like that, it's nasty.

plightofthealbatross Mon 18-Nov-19 19:42:26

Your DH needs to be very specific with him: no presents for the children unless he brings something for ALL the children. It's creating bad feelings and sadness, and surely he would hate to be the cause of that when children are involved.

Honestly, people suck sometimes. Even my paternal asinine grandparents knew to include children who were holidaying with us when we met up with them on holiday.

HeyNotInMyName Mon 18-Nov-19 19:43:12

Why have you not addressed that in the 10 years you have been together? Or at least when you had your first child with DH and the problem started.

I think it’s a crap move from your FIL but so hard t change now afetr so long.

SunshineCake Mon 18-Nov-19 19:46:40

I think not buying a child ages 11 months a box of chocolate is not the same at all hmm.

I lived in lots of different places. I was always the child that didn't get anything. Not the real daughter, sister, niece so...

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