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AIBU?

Absolutely fed up of being married to a manchild

198 replies

ncmarriedtoamanchild · 15/10/2019 13:01

DH contributes very little to the housework, leaves mess behind him which I am left to tidy up or look at for weeks until he does something about it. I cook the majority of our meals. He can’t do DIY, doesn’t do gardening unless asked, I do our washing - his last attempt at resulted in my white shirt being dyed and our clothes not drying due to being thrown bunched up on the clothes horse. I refuse to do all of the cleaning so we have a cleaner. I manage all of our household bills, when an account was in his name he 'overlooked' repeated emails asking for meter readings which resulted in us owing a huge amount. The few things he does do are only when asked, aren't done well and seems to think he's done me a favour. I've tried talking to him countless times about how I feel and the impact it is having on me, but he's totally deluded, claiming he does everything around the house and I am the one who's nagging/controlling/mental.

Ultimatums lead to him promising to try harder but things soon revert back to normal. I have tried leaving him to his own devices but he's oblivious and for my own wellbeing I cannot leave the house in such a state. I recently left him to pack his own bag for our weekend away and he arrived with no toothbrush or change of clothes. Due to all of the above any sexual attraction I once had for him has gone, which DH frequently moans about.

I'm 26 now but met when I was 20, he was 29. We have a house together, DH is very successful career wise, no reason he cant use his brain at home. Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'... but surely there is more to life than this and there are better men out there. We don’t have any DC as I know I'd be left to it all. I don't want to be the person who gets divorced after 2 years and I know family will be disappointed but I feel like I've exhausted all options… AIBU to be considering divorce?

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Wherearemycrayons · 15/10/2019 13:03

No you are definitely not being unreasonable!! Being married is a partnership, has he always been like this? My ex was exactly like this, thankfully that’s all he is, an ex!!

5foot5 · 15/10/2019 13:04

YANBU in the least. You are only 26, still young enough to start afresh with a grown up.

mbosnz · 15/10/2019 13:05

Have you told him that you are considering divorce? Do you think some mediation or counselling might help?

(FWIW I'd be considering murder at this point. . . just jokes. . .)

Butchyrestingface · 15/10/2019 13:05

Well, you sound very unhappy, don’t want to have sex with him and have no faith that he will change his ways.

Plus you don’t have kids and are only 26.

I say go for it! 👍

AbbyHammond · 15/10/2019 13:06

We don’t have any DC
Run! And don't look back!

There are lots of better men out there, and now you know to choose better before having DC. Don't waste another minute of your youth on this loser.

Winterriscoming · 15/10/2019 13:07

@Wherearemycrayons he used to make slightly more of an effort but it’s never been great. Been like this for the past couple of years at least. Looking back I should have noticed the signs but I guess I was young and naive and madly in love with him.

5foot5 · 15/10/2019 13:07

Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'...

Biggest load of rubbish, they definitely are not. My DH is in his 60s and we have been together more than 30 years. He has always pulled his weight around the house and done his fair share of all aspects of housework, childcare, DIY etc.

Happyspud · 15/10/2019 13:07

Fair do’s to you for considering divorce. You can either keep him as your man child like a noose around your neck, but assuming he brings something of value to your relationship.

Or you make your life easier and hit the restart button.

Winterriscoming · 15/10/2019 13:08

@mbosnz I’ve told him I’m at breaking point and he says he’ll change but I’ve heard it all before

Tableclothing · 15/10/2019 13:08

YANBU.

He's had 6 years to sort himself out. That's quite a lot of time for an adult without additional needs to learn how to basic household chores. This one has refused. Good on you for putting your foot down before getting tied down with children too.

All men are not the same. There are plenty who are net contributors to a marriage/shared life.

Why on earth would you want to spend your life being a slave/carer for someone who is just lazy?

HEMammajamma · 15/10/2019 13:09

Had he always been like this? When you met him what was he like?

You're not being unreasonable based on how he is now from your OP but it would be unreasonable if he was always like this before you got married and you now expect differently from him.
If he changed to this, then he needs to sort himself out.

gamerchick · 15/10/2019 13:09

I wastes my 20s on someone who didn't deserve them. Get out now, you have a long way in front of you.

Windydaysuponus · 15/10/2019 13:09

Why op you certainly do have a dc. A ready made teenager.
Actually my teens do a lot more than him!!
He needs eviction ime.
Life will suddenly become so much more enjoyable.....
Ime.

Loopytiles · 15/10/2019 13:09

In short term, completely stop washing and cooking for him.

Divorce.

You’re married to a sexist man. His responses when you’ve challenged him are also a massive red flag.

Having DC would make this a billion times worse.

ELM8 · 15/10/2019 13:10

Life is too short to commit to this for the rest of your life. Can you cope for another 50/60 years?! Not all men are like this.

The problem you've got is that he doesn't actually see the issues and it's him not doing stuff which is harder to tackle. I find it's much easier to ask someone to "stop doing X" rather than "can you start doing Y" - you will have a lifetime of this.

Lovemenorca · 15/10/2019 13:10

but he's totally deluded, claiming he does everything around the house and I am the one who's nagging/controlling/mental.

But if what you say is accurate - surely this is very easily proved incorrect?

FeelingUseless100 · 15/10/2019 13:10

Jeez, walk away before you have kids. It’ll get a million times worse after that.

If you don’t fancy him, he’s already a man child and you are only 26 FFS get out. You have so much time to find a true life partner.

I have a lot of kids, my DH works hard and also does 50/50 at home. And I still fancy the pants off him. We were your age when we got together, and they are NOT all the same.

Pinkbonbon · 15/10/2019 13:10

Didn't even pack you a Chang if clothes for your trip?!

Sorry op but that was deliberate. Surely you can see that. He isn't a man child, he is a manipulative wanker. He even gaslights you and calls you crazy when you dare to imply he does sod all. When he does infact, do sod all.

Hope you adjust your perspective now and start seeing this for what it really is.

Loopytiles · 15/10/2019 13:11

Yeah, given that he’s the problem, your age and the (understandable) loss of sexual attraction, leaving (rather than counselling) is clearly the best option for you IMO.

Drabarni · 15/10/2019 13:13

YABU, you married him and it couldn't have come s a shock to you, unless you'd not spent any time with him.

Batcrazy101 · 15/10/2019 13:14

Is it worth while making a list?
A list of things you do a list of things he does and then a shared list as it is just now. Then have a sit down, show him how unbalanced the work load is and start dividing the work load up more evenly and in relation to the time you both have?

It might be an eye opener for him. If he still doesn’t change or refuses to see the in balance then I would maybe look at counselling or mediation before going straight to parting ways. You loved him once despite all these things. Maybe something else is going on?

Pinkbonbon · 15/10/2019 13:18

Ah wait it was his clothes he didn't pack.
He's still a dick though xD
I think the idea about lists might be worth a shot but tbh it sounds like you've been clear enough already. Sod the counciling. It doesn't sound like he wants to change. Give him one last shot at it and if he doesn't shape up, you should ship out.

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user1471548941 · 15/10/2019 13:20

I was with a man like this, the attraction disappeared very quickly when we moved in together and I realised. Especially with all of his family laughing over supposed mishaps. He couldn’t even put items he wanted on a shared shopping list for me to pick up and would then moan that his yoghurts for his lunch had run out!

I left after 6 months, met my new partner shortly after. 2 years later, I’ve bought my ex out of the house, new partner has just moved in and already does more than his fair share! Attraction is still strong and I’ve never looked back!

mbosnz · 15/10/2019 13:21

YABU, you married him and it couldn't have come s a shock to you, unless you'd not spent any time with him.

So? She's fed up with it. She can UNmarry him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/10/2019 13:21

Can you imagine just how awful it would be for you if you ever had kids with this man.

YANBU, is cut my losses now. Oh and by the way, not all med are like this at all!

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