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To not want my exes partner at my child's birthday party?

(253 Posts)
wherewego Mon 23-Sep-19 13:53:00

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but I'm looking for some impartial advice on this situation.

Me and my ex have a DD who is 6 together and get on fairly okay for the most part but we do have our moments.

For DD's birthday and for christmas we go shopping for her gifts together and he comes to the house to watch her open them, everything is pretty amicable and he is a good dad.

He has been with his partner for over a year now, at first I found it very difficult especially as I knew of his partner before he got with her. She used to live with my best friend when they worked abroad together and I've heard not very good things about her and I was told these things before she got with my ex so of course I did make judgements based on the information I was given.

Anyway I got over all that, she spends quite a bit of time with my DD and she really likes her. All good. However, I haven't met her and I really at this point don't have a desire to. They've only been together a year this month, they don't live together and aren't married so I just don't see the need to meet her at the moment.

My ex has asked to half in for a swimming party for DD's birthday next month. I agreed. On the phone with ex this morning he mentioned that his partner will be there in the pool with the kids whilst I have to stay out of pool to greet parents and children. I told ex that I didn't feel comfortable with his partner being there and could she step back and they could do something desperately with DD. My ex wasn't happy about this and said he'd think about it. But I had better get used to her being around. The thing that upsets me is he didn't even ask if this would be alright for me. I already struggle with anxiety and meeting parents etc makes me nervous so would prefer to not have to meet his girlfriend on top of that.

So my question is, would I be unreasonable that if my ex insists his partner needs to be there, that I say that's fine but I'm not paying half. I'll step back and let this be there party for her and I will do something separate with my family and my DD?

I feel guilty as it would be nice if I could be there but at this point I just don't feel ready to meet her.

Thanks in advance smile

Finfintytint Mon 23-Sep-19 13:56:33

Why don’t you meet her briefly before the party then it won’t be such a big deal.

Chamomileteaplease Mon 23-Sep-19 13:57:04

I don't think anyone can argue with your feelings. If you aren't ready to meet her then you aren't. And to be honest, meeting someone for the first time at your child's party isn't the best starting point is it?

I would think you were perfectly in your rights to say that you do not want to have a joint party if the GF is coming. You are not ready to meet her. End of. If he insists then he can do the party by himself.

Kids' parties can be lovely and they can be stressful and if you suffer from anxiety the last thing you need is an added worry.

In an ideal world you could all muck in together but you aren't ready for that yet and I think your ex needs to be understanding of that.

Lockheart Mon 23-Sep-19 13:58:16

You wouldn't be unreasonable to do your own thing, but for a pool party I'd say you need as high an adult to child ratio as possible, and your DD gets on with her, so it seems logical for her to be there.

HeadintheiClouds Mon 23-Sep-19 13:58:27

No, I don’t blame you not wanting her there.

wherewego Mon 23-Sep-19 14:00:57

@Lockheart well my ex did bring up that the swimming pool said there needed to be 4 adults in the water so my ex said it would be him, his brother and his partner and I can't remember who else he said. But I told him I can easily get a couple of my friends to get in the pool and supervise no problem. But it seemed like he was insistent that it be his partner.

dollydaydream114 Mon 23-Sep-19 14:01:25

He should have asked first but they've been together a year and your DD has met her and likes her, so I think you should suck it up and be a grown-up about meeting her. I agree that a kids' party might not be the best first time for that, but if I were you I would have asked your ex to introduce you prior to the party.

LochJessMonster Mon 23-Sep-19 14:01:28

I think YABU and your daughter is the one that is going to lose out.

she spends quite a bit of time with my DD and she really likes her. this is the important bit.

I would say a year is enough, surely you would want to meet the woman who is looking after your DD?

Vulpine Mon 23-Sep-19 14:01:53

You do not need her there as parents could stay

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Mon 23-Sep-19 14:02:59

Feelings are feelings and how you feel is not unreasonable. I’ve been separated from my ex for 5 years, and we’re still not at a point to do things like Christmas or birthdays together (tbh I could probably deal with his fiancée more than I could deal with him, but that’s my story!) We just both celebrate separately with ds and that works fine.

Oysterbabe Mon 23-Sep-19 14:03:16

I think yabu. Maybe meet her for a coffee before then so it's out of the way.

Waveysnail Mon 23-Sep-19 14:05:33

He has been dating her for a year and your dd spends time with her. He should have at least introduced the two of you. I'd let her come tbh as sounds like dd wants her there if she likes her. Couldn't you and your ex great parents and then everyone head into the pool?

TwiceAsNice22 Mon 23-Sep-19 14:07:29

I think meeting her for the first time at your daughters birthday party is not the most appropriate idea. That’s what I would be telling your ex.

As for meeting her at some point, I think you should think about it. You may have heard false things about her, or she could have changed since she was younger. It sounds like your daughter likes her and that she likes your daughter and is making an effort with her. I think that’s the most important thing.

Doyoumind Mon 23-Sep-19 14:07:47

I don't think yabu. Your child might actually find it a bit weird too. It sounds like he's putting his needs first.

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 23-Sep-19 14:08:30

Get back to him and say that you want to be able to accept his partner in your child's life as your child does like her. BUT he rushed you with that suggestion and you feel uncomfortable over it.

Tell him that you will rethink, but that this is too soon for you. Instead of saying it's either her or me, a party together or separate ones, take away the combativeness and make a different suggestion, or the same one in a different way!

Good luck!

wherewego Mon 23-Sep-19 14:09:32

The issue is I just don't want to meet her full stop 😬. I know it's bad and very immature of me but I just really have no desire to meet her, before or at the party.

I know people will think "why wouldn't you want to meet someone that is around your child?" But the way I look at it is, even if I meet her and completely can't stand her and think she's an awful person, it won't change my exes opinion or feelings for her so what difference will it make. I know she's good to my DD as she tells me things and I've heard her when she's been FaceTiming with her dad and partner has been there.

I know some people won't get it but I just don't want to meet her for the foreseeable.

FunOnTheBeach20 Mon 23-Sep-19 14:09:46

The ex will be feeling awkward about this too. She will be gong along with this solely for the benefit of your daughter, you should do the same.

As pp have said maybe meet her before the event. Can you have a brief introduction at handover (assuming your daughter is being occupied by her dad).

FunOnTheBeach20 Mon 23-Sep-19 14:10:11

*sorry your exes GF

FunOnTheBeach20 Mon 23-Sep-19 14:11:04

I just really have no desire to meet her, before or at the party.

That’s the point, is not about you. It’s about your daughter.

harriethoyle Mon 23-Sep-19 14:11:05

Yabu. It's a settled relationship after a year and she's good with your DD and your DD likes her. Don't put your feelings before your DDs.

SD1978 Mon 23-Sep-19 14:11:32

I don't think it's fair if you trivialise the relationship as 'only' a year, although yes it's still a new relationship, but one which your daughter is aware and a part of. It's easy to be amicable wine neither of you have a new partner- the real test of amicable co parenting is when new partners come on the scene- then things do organically change- he may want to start spending time in birthdays and Christmas with his daughter and partner, instead of with you and your child, and that's reasonable. I think it's fair to meet her before hand, but if he's paying half for the party, It's fair his partner comes too- same as if it had been you that repartnered first

SleepingStandingUp Mon 23-Sep-19 14:11:40

He should have at least introduced the two of you OP does t see the point and isn't interested, is he meant to just turn up on the doorstep with her and push her through the door?

Sorry OP but they've been together a year, she wasn't the OW, daughter likes her. I think for her sake you have to suck it up. Does DD know about the party? Can Dad afford to finance it? If you had a partner would you allow him to dictate if your partner could coem to things yo u were paying for?

When is the party? Surely there's time to meet her?

Also why isn't Ex greeting people too? Why is he picking who does what and who goes where? Being told I must greet parents and he and his family will all be allowed in the pool but not yours would actually piss me off more.

NameChangeNugget Mon 23-Sep-19 14:11:58

Surely you should put your feelings aside for the child?

JustMe81 Mon 23-Sep-19 14:12:25

I can see why you feel the way you do so I don’t think you ABU for feeling like that, but as you said your daughter has met her and likes her it might be time for you to meet her too. Can you try and arrange a time before the party to have a coffee together or something? I’m sure she feels just as awkward as you about the whole thing.

Teddybear45 Mon 23-Sep-19 14:13:31

I think you are being unreasonable considering you and your ex are paying equally for the party. She will be in the water and you will be outside of it. You could engineer real reasons to not talk to her at the party if you want to.

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