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Delicate topic and unsure if it's worth the upset

(59 Posts)
gazingahead Fri 20-Sep-19 11:14:18

In a conversation with MIL recently she told me that she has incorporated a special clause in her will stating that, since DH (my DH, her son) was a sperm donor when much younger, any children who seek him out aren't entitled to any of her money.

I said this was news to me as I was certain DH had never been a sperm donor. Our child is donor-conceived (male donor) because DH did not want to have his own genetic offspring because of the risk of passing down an inherited condition on his side of the family. It was his decision and I respected it.

Everyone in the family knew about this and it's not kept any kind of secret, including from DC. I have had conversations with her about it.

Obviously throughout the whole process it would have been the world of weird if my DH had not mentioned that he himself had donated and I told her I did not believe it. She was just very sure she was right and said she had had it confirmed. I queried who by and she confessed that it wasn't DH, but his sister had told her and her own husband had confirmed it.

DH has since confirmed to me that of course he never donated, but did remember discussing it once with his sister when he was broke at university (back in the £40 quid a shot days), he was only pondering.

My Aibu is, would I be aibu to mention it? MIL and I have an outwardly good relationship but much crap has flown under the bridge. If DC were ever to see that will, for example after we are dead, he could think that his father chose not to beget him but to beget others? I know this is incredibly unlikely but I just don't want it written down .

I asked DH to update her doesn't seem to have got round to it.

StealthPolarBear Fri 20-Sep-19 11:17:40

I'd get all of them together, mil, husband, sister, once and clarify for sure. It sounds like there are some Chinese whispers goi g on

gazingahead Fri 20-Sep-19 11:21:00

The sister died 20 years ago. She divorced FIL (who also mentioned something to me about sperm donation but I just thought he was getting confused because DC was donor-conceived) and he is now out the country. Actually, he will also need to be told!

Dutch1e Fri 20-Sep-19 11:21:34

I'd feel uncomfortable too, but if there is a history of your MIL being a bit difficult then you probably know that anything you say might make her dig her heels in. It's her will after all.

Might be more straightforward to mention it to your son in a lighthearted way when he's the right age. Just so he knows it's a silly rumour

TabbyMumz Fri 20-Sep-19 11:25:13

Do you think potentially he did sperm donate and then found out about the inherited gene afterwards, and just didn't want you to know?

OrangeSlices998 Fri 20-Sep-19 11:32:01

Your DH needs to clear it up, and remove the ambiguity. Nothing for you to do, your children are unlikely to actually see the will and it doesn't affect them anyway.

gazingahead Fri 20-Sep-19 11:32:51

Tabby I'm sure. DH is very honest and what's more there would have been no reason for him to lie. He could just as easily have told me. The inherited condition wasn't clear back then, certainly not to a young man, so there wouldn't have been any real reason for him not to donate. He just didn't.

blackcat86 Fri 20-Sep-19 11:46:11

It sounds best for DH to explain to his DM what actually happened and reassure her that he never donated. Presumably they would have a screening questionnaire at least to rule out those who know they may carry serious genetic conditions so he wouldn't have been a suitable donor.

Apolloanddaphne Fri 20-Sep-19 11:51:12

I would remind your DH to speak to his DM as it is preying on your mind.

icontrolthebullshitnow Fri 20-Sep-19 11:59:03

This would be atrocious if true and I'm sorry to raise it but could it be a convoluted way of disinheriting your DC as her son is not the biological father? Just picking up on the fact there have been issues with her in the past.

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses Fri 20-Sep-19 12:04:36

Your DH needs to clear it up, and remove the ambiguity. Nothing for you to do, your children are unlikely to actually see the will and it doesn't affect them anyway.

That depends on the family. I saw my DGPs wills, not that there was anything contentious in there. The content was open knowledge in the family for many years before my DGPs died anyway.

BlockedAndDeleted Fri 20-Sep-19 12:13:08

I’m confused.

Is your MIL intending to leave your husband/her son money/assets?

Is it that inheritance on which she’s putting clauses?

Is that even possible?

Or is she intending to leave her grandchildren a separate inheritance and that’s what she wants to protect?

Is it clear that although technically your child isn’t her biological grandchild, your child will not be included in this clause?

dollydaydream114 Fri 20-Sep-19 12:16:35

Your DH just needs to speak to her to clear up the confusion. That's all.

Tighnabruaich Fri 20-Sep-19 12:23:48

Would her will against donor-conceived children apply to your own DC?

Mummyoflittledragon Fri 20-Sep-19 12:25:21

When your dh and your mil are together, I would definitely discuss it and ask her to reconsider. If both of your died and your dc saw this it could prove very emotional. How odd of her not to discuss this with your dh first especially seeing as he chose not to be a biological father to your dc.

gazingahead Fri 20-Sep-19 12:34:12

I'm not sure of the exact content of the will but I imagine she will leave equal amounts to all her GC, and will have mentioned our DC by name as she loves them and has been generous to them before. I think her specific fear was that children born before donor conception became non-anonymous (so in the time when she thinks DH donated) would find her through their DNA (now those kits are so popular) and make a claim on her money. I don't know if she's leaving money to DH.

I know there's almost no chance of him seeing this will, unless DH, me and her all died together (or I killed them both and turned the gun on myself - dark humour), it just irks me. If it wasn't for our use of a donor it wouldn't bother me, I don't think.

PrayingandHoping Fri 20-Sep-19 12:51:49

@gazingahead I would check the law.... I'm not sure donor conceived children have a legal entitlement to inheritance from the donor.... hfea say the donor has no financial obligations. I would assume that would mean inheritance too

Pringlesfortea Fri 20-Sep-19 12:53:02

My money is on her not giving your child any money ,you used a sperm donor..she’s clearly against that ..

Skittlesandbeer Fri 20-Sep-19 12:55:25

I think the chance of your DC ever seeing (or caring about) this document are nil.

Be honest, you are the one cross about MIL suggesting you’ve been lied too. Or possibly you have a teeny doubt it might be true that DH donated in a moment of oblivious poverty. Neither of which are ‘LTB’ crimes.

That’s ok, but deal with it directly.

As far as your DC is concerned, attach a letter on your own Will that explains his conception, and adds the true story as you know it of your DH’s fertility/inherited issue. Perhaps getting your DH to write & sign that note will make his hand tremble (if he has something to hide). Or maybe it wont. In any case, if your concern really lies with DC, and not some far off in the past presumed family conspiracy, it’ll be solved forever. And you can get on with things.

gazingahead Fri 20-Sep-19 13:03:31

I don't think she would cut DC out of her will. I don't think he has a problem with donor conception per se. She wasn't thrilled that we took that route, and has mentioned it to me a couple of times, along the lines of she wishes he was DH's genetic child. I don't love it when she says that, but I do understand it as a feeling.

He is her youngest DG by far and she has been lovely to him.

I just don't want it written down when it isn't true. It's not even as if they would have any claim, as prayingandhoping says, there's no financial liability from those births. Our DC are legally DH's, on the basis of a document he signed before we had the treatment.

gazingahead Fri 20-Sep-19 13:11:11

Skittles I think you are absolutely right that I am cross that she basically said that DH had lied to me and she was right. I could also perhaps think that she was quite pleased to get one over on me, but I'm not sure really. Maybe it was completely innocent. I'd be lying if I said the thought of putting her straight wasn't vaguely pleasing, but I don't want to cause unnecessary upset, so I'm happy to button it, hence the AIBU.

However, I am absolutely certain that he has never donated and knows I wouldn't remotely care if he had. Many of my friends did. If MIL had said to me that DH himself had told her he donated then I would be very confused indeed. But the fact is she got the info from his sister who had mental health problems of the most serious type.

Robs20 Fri 20-Sep-19 13:15:32

I don’t think donor children have any legal rights in relation to donor parents. This is why you sign the 1000s of forms when doing donor ivf. They have a right (in this country) to contact their donor parent at 18 but that is it.
As someone who was just about to undergo donor ivf to avoid a genetic condition, I would be VERY concerned that your DH had donated sperm but has a genetic condition in his family. That should automatically rule him out from doing so. Sorry if I’ve misunderstood.

gazingahead Fri 20-Sep-19 13:24:44

Hi Robs, it's been a few years since we were in the clinic, but our DC has a non-anonymous donor. This means that our DC has the right to contact the donor when he's 18 - neither we nor the donor have any rights. I think the donor has to respond in whatever way he sees fit. There is categorically and absolutely no right to any money or inheritance. As for donor births dating back to the time MIL is talking about, donation then was completely anonymous. There have not been cases of children seeking money from any sort of donor, like you say it's all very clear.

DH definitely has not donated sperm. It was his awareness of his inherited condition that meant he didn't even use his sperm for our own baby, let alone anyone else's!

Donors do answer questions about inherited conditions.

Robs20 I wish you all the luck in the world for your donor IVF. I'm rooting for you (anonymously, and without expectation of course!)

gazingahead Fri 20-Sep-19 13:25:45

Oops, just saw you used the conditional tense, but wish you good luck in all your other endeavours anyway grin

Windydaysuponus Fri 20-Sep-19 13:32:48

The fact mil thinks she is privy to info you aren't would make me sort it out!!

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