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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Delicate topic and unsure if it's worth the upset

58 replies

gazingahead · 20/09/2019 11:14

In a conversation with MIL recently she told me that she has incorporated a special clause in her will stating that, since DH (my DH, her son) was a sperm donor when much younger, any children who seek him out aren't entitled to any of her money.

I said this was news to me as I was certain DH had never been a sperm donor. Our child is donor-conceived (male donor) because DH did not want to have his own genetic offspring because of the risk of passing down an inherited condition on his side of the family. It was his decision and I respected it.

Everyone in the family knew about this and it's not kept any kind of secret, including from DC. I have had conversations with her about it.

Obviously throughout the whole process it would have been the world of weird if my DH had not mentioned that he himself had donated and I told her I did not believe it. She was just very sure she was right and said she had had it confirmed. I queried who by and she confessed that it wasn't DH, but his sister had told her and her own husband had confirmed it.

DH has since confirmed to me that of course he never donated, but did remember discussing it once with his sister when he was broke at university (back in the £40 quid a shot days), he was only pondering.

My Aibu is, would I be aibu to mention it? MIL and I have an outwardly good relationship but much crap has flown under the bridge. If DC were ever to see that will, for example after we are dead, he could think that his father chose not to beget him but to beget others? I know this is incredibly unlikely but I just don't want it written down .

I asked DH to update her doesn't seem to have got round to it.

OP posts:

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 20/09/2019 14:02

In one way it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever. Your MIL is naming her grandchildren individually to ensure that there won't be a claim by any unknown genetically-related grandchildren. But these are hypothetical children not real ones, they don't exist so it doesn't matter that they are excluded. My grandmother did the same thing for grandchildren (me and my cousins) and great-grandchildren because there was a possibility in both generations that previously unknown people might turn up claiming to be the child of my uncle or one of my cousins (lifestyle rather than sperm donation). She didn't want those people to inherit her money, and that was up to her as it was her choice.

If it bothers you that she has been misinformed then your DH could contact her and tell her that he once mentioned that he was considering it but didn't do it in the end.

Crockof · 20/09/2019 14:03

I'm sorry but you have no idea who is telling the truth here. In light of his problem and the fact your ds is conceived via donor sperm could be the reason why he doesn't want to tell you. Plus in the past you could donate anonymously so your dh would be fairly certain you would never find out.
It would bother you as shown by your reaction to your son finding the will in the future.
The fact that mil believes it enough to change her will makes me think she believes it to be true, unless this is a massive drop feed and she has form for hardcore lies.
I think you should def speak to everyone together, I hope your faith in dh is well placed, but you only have to spend 5 mins reading threads on here to find there are lots of people who are lied to when they least expect it.

everyonecaneffoff · 20/09/2019 14:04

Mmm...I'd want to find out a bit more about what exactly is in the will.
How old is she? I'm just wondering if she's a bit confused and actually means she doesn't want your child to inherit who was conceived with donor sperm and is trying to put a clause in to that effect.

It's a very strange thing for her to come up with especially as DH says he has never donated so why does she think he has?

Laiste · 20/09/2019 14:07

She wasn't thrilled that we took that route, and has mentioned it to me a couple of times, along the lines of she wishes he was DH's genetic child.

Her opinions about the subject are not something i'd want laid at my door unless she'd been directly asked, and I'm afraid if i were you under these circs. i'd want the truth pointed out to her from the horses mouth, so to speak ie: by DH, pretty smartish.

Laiste · 20/09/2019 14:08

And i'd want to be there when it happened. So there could be no nonsense comments about it in the future.

Missingstreetlife · 20/09/2019 14:12

I think she's confused. There's a risk she only wants to give to
a, people she knows, &/or b, people who she is genetically related to.
I would leave it, if it's b, your dc could miss out.

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2019 14:13

What I find odd here op is your husband knows how you feel about this and hasn't updated his mother.

The question there would be why.

Original poster

gazingahead · 20/09/2019 14:13

Oh god, I just emailed her! I wove it in among a load of other stuff I needed to discuss with her. I'm sure she'll know that was the reason for my email but we don't see her that often. DH is going to mention it when he next sees her as well.

She will know that if DH has said he didn't, then he didn't. DH gives zero fucks what people think anyway and is utterly upfront and honest in life. Honestly we all wish he'd tell the odd lie when appropriate.

She's definitely not confused, she's still quite young.

OP posts:

QuimReaper · 20/09/2019 14:16

Why are your husband and his mother discussing this through you? Very weird that he "hasn't got round to" setting her straight!

In any case, you could explain to her that donor-conceived children don't have any legal or financial rights with regards to their biological parents. She needn't fear a "claim" on her estate, and I don't think that a contract could prevent your husband gifting them any money after her death once it had passed into his property.

Original poster

gazingahead · 20/09/2019 14:17

She is constantly traveling with her new husband and we only see her occasionally. I saw her last time, for lunch with DH and one of her other 3 biological grandchildren who is now an adult so we couldn't mention it then. I've only mentioned it to DH once, when I first told him what she said, and he just clarified the truth and said he'd tell her. I haven't reminded him. He's not particularly close to her - she usually calls me.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 20/09/2019 14:17

It would be worth trying to get DMiL to state clearly what her intention is re DGCs.

I am aware of a situation where a badly written clause which was intended to rule out children from outside the marriage coming forward and making a claim had the unintended effect of disinheriting one of the children from inside the marriage. Fortunately resolved through goodwill but deeply unpleasant at the time for all concerned.

Laiste · 20/09/2019 14:20

Phone call on loudspeaker.

I'm sitting here cross on your behalf OP and i'm not quite sure why it's affecting me so much!

WonderWomansSpin · 20/09/2019 14:21

There's nothing to be gained by speaking to her again. She's still going to think you're wrong. The only person who could change her mind is your DH and although I understand posters saying you should get everyone in the room, the fact is that if MIL thinks DH lied to you then she'll think he's lying again because you're there.
DH and MIL need to have this conversation without you.
Since you're reacting very strongly to the idea that your DC could read the will and find out their DF donated, I think your DH could be lying. You're not acting like someone who would be fine that he had donated.

TatianaLarina · 20/09/2019 14:23

I wouldn’t get involved personally. It’s between DH and his mother.

Original poster

gazingahead · 20/09/2019 14:28

Quim, she never mentioned it to DH, even when she altered her will! She just slipped it in with me, when we were alone (DH was away on a trip). Very weird.

Obviously I know very well that were it to be true (which is isn't) such children would have no claim on her money. It's common knowledge. Although there has been a lot of press recently with children finding donors using DNA kits, so maybe that's what put it in her mind?

Laiste, thank you for understanding. I just feel this niggling annoyance! I've sent the email now and copied DH in, for CLOSURE.

The reason we know I am cool with sperm donation, wonderwoman, is that my beautiful DC was a gift from a sperm donor. I hold the whole process is the highest regard. I even offered my own eggs in the clinic (turned down, too old!).

OP posts:

ElizaPancakes · 20/09/2019 14:29

I wouldn’t bother tbh. She’s not going to believe it if he says he didn’t, and if her will says issue from DH donation is excluded and there is none then it doesn’t matter.

I’d leave it to DH to decide if he wants to thrash out the details with her or not.

TriDreigiau · 20/09/2019 14:31

I'd have probably ignore then had a conversation with the kids when they were older so they didn't worry - just say it was family whispers that devolved from the truth with time and retelling.

However that's because I have a family where some older members wouldn't listen and would insist they were right not you whatever.

icontrolthebullshitnow · 20/09/2019 14:32

The more I think about it, I think this is definitely a circuitous way of her non-bio grandkids not inheriting. She can do what she likes with her money of course but I'd get clarity in that point.

mathanxiety · 20/09/2019 20:12

Exactly when and how did DH learn of this hereditary condition that only shows itself later in life?

Sagradafamiliar · 20/09/2019 20:19

Yeah I'd have assumed this was her way of referring to your child, OP. Sorry. It's very odd otherwise.

LemonAddict · 20/09/2019 20:26

Well your DH could have cleared this up with MIL in a matter of one phone call, a 2 minutes or less conversation. Or a one line email.

But he hasn’t.

That speaks volumes.

Vilanelle · 20/09/2019 20:37

This is her way of saying she will not leave money to your child.

Cherrysoup · 20/09/2019 20:45

Genuine question because this has never occurred to me: if the man in the couple isn’t the biological father, does he have to formally adopt the baby?

OP, did you say that you also aren’t the biological mum, your eggs were too old?

Original poster

gazingahead · 20/09/2019 21:45

Cherrysoup, when you have IVF with donor sperm, if you are married you do not need to do anything. The child you have is legally your husband's. If you are not married, the man signs a form to say that if the treatment results in a child, it is his. You have no legal obligation to tell the child it is donor-conceived (although of course we did). It was my eggs, they worked perfectly, but I was too old to donate.

Mathanxiety, it is schizophrenia (which is not really a clearly definable disease). Even now, ten years on, we can see the impact of those genes all through the family, as people reach that critical 18-20 age group. Back then he wouldn't really have known, but by the time I met him, when he was mid-thirties, he was very clear about it.

Lots of people saying MIL is cutting DC out of the will, but this is definitely not the case. She would never do something like that.

I have only mentioned it to DH once, when she said it. I haven't discussed it with him since.

OP posts:

icontrolthebullshitnow · 20/09/2019 22:12

Lots of people saying MIL is cutting DC out of the will, but this is definitely not the case. She would never do something like that.•
How do you know with certainty?

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