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AIBU?

To be so fucking mad and wonder what the point is

175 replies

Ohkayyy · 19/05/2019 10:43

7th miscarriage happened last night.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm really struggling to keep it together.

I don't know how to carry on with normal life. I sit at work and think, I can't do this forever without a family. Just work, go home, sleep and back again.

I don't care about anything and hate myself and my body so much it makes me cry looking in a mirror. I feel pathetic and embarrassing. I don't want to be pitied by my friends and colleagues who are all moving on and having their children and leaving me behind.

DH has children already and I hate myself for thinking it but it makes me so jealous and lonely that we aren't facing the same future.

I don't know where to go from here. I am constantly being pushed back to square one, I just can't be satisfied with anything in my life. I have never felt so desperately miserable in my entire life.

Sorry for the rant

OP posts:

Report

Shahlalala · 19/05/2019 10:46

I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine the pain of 7 miscarriages.
I hope someone with better advice will be along soon.
Please don’t be cruel to yourself, you are amazing and dealing with so much. Do you have anyone IRL you could talk to? Have you seen a dr about the miscarriages?

ohfourfoxache · 19/05/2019 10:48

Oh I’m so sorry

No advice, just a virtual (and very unMNetty) hug x

Siennabear · 19/05/2019 10:48

Have you seen your gp about the miscarriages? There may be an underlying reason. I believe they can investigate if you have had 3.
I know how you are feeling. We were told we had no chance of children without ivf. As it turns out we now have 2 which happened naturally.
Hugs to you, take time to grieve x

Coronapop · 19/05/2019 10:50

Are you getting medical advice and help. eg has the possible cause been explored to see if there is treatment that might prevent miscarriage in future pregnancies?

Ohkayyy · 19/05/2019 11:17

Yes, we know the cause. It's basically just luck every time I get pregnant. Clearly I don't have very much of it.

I'm just so fed up. I honestly feel like doing H a favour by packing up and fucking off.

OP posts:

tenbob · 19/05/2019 11:19

I’m so sorry. It’s heartbreaking.

You say you know the cause - are there any (more) treatments you could explore?

Ohkayyy · 19/05/2019 11:21

No, it's either try naturally until it works (which I'm losing hope of) or ivf with genetic testing (we we can't afford)

OP posts:

Ohkayyy · 19/05/2019 11:22

I just want to leave. I want to fuck my job off and everything else and just go. I'm tearing my hair out at the thought of just carrying on normal life like I'm not broken.

OP posts:

iluvsummer · 19/05/2019 11:33

Have you been seen by a consultant? I have experienced this and it was unexplained, it’s heartbreaking as you’re not given an answers. I asked for progesterone suppositories which they wouldn’t give me so I went to a private fertility clinic and had a private prescription which I had to use as soon as I had a positive pregnancy test, fortunately I got pregnant again and used them for the first 12 weeks and have gone on to have 2 successful pregnancies using the progesterone each time. It may have been the use of them or just luck, I’ll never know but I’m thankful that I took them. It may be worthwhile looking into having investigations done privately if you’re not getting anywhere with the nhs. Good luck cx

littlemisscynical · 19/05/2019 11:47

So sorry OP

FancyAPint · 19/05/2019 11:48

Fucking off won't change anything, don't do that xxx

Ohkayyy · 19/05/2019 11:51

iluvsummer

Thank you, mine are explained. I have a translocation that affects chromosomes. There's no treatment other than IVF with genetic testing to select an unaffected egg prior to implantation. That or I just carry on naturally until it happens which I just can't believe it will.

OP posts:

Ohkayyy · 19/05/2019 11:52

How do I just sit at my desk tomorrow and pretend I'm fine? I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 19/05/2019 11:54

7 isn't luck. 7 has a cause, which may be discoverable.

Have you tried a private consultant?
The public system can be a bit "general" and anything outside of that general expectation (i.e. rare) can get lost.

PicsInRed · 19/05/2019 11:55

Ahhh, cross posted.
I'm so sorry. Have you considered the genetic testing. Would that be something you would want to do?

Shelby2010 · 19/05/2019 11:56

Are you sure you don’t qualify for IVF funding with genetic testing? NHS England should fund 3 cycles, not sure what the other inclusion criteria are though? So sorry you are going through this 😕

swingofthings · 19/05/2019 11:57

Just a suggestion. Could be two different issues? The genetic one AND the issue with progesterone. Would it be worth trying it? That is when you are ready to try again. In the meantime, you need to grieve and shout your pain.

cakeandchampagne · 19/05/2019 11:57

I agree with Pics, 7 isn’t luck-related.
How old are you?

Ohkayyy · 19/05/2019 11:59

7 isn't luck. 7 has a cause, which may be discoverable

There is a cause and we know what it is. It's called a balanced translocation. It's a genetic problem inherited from my parents.

What I mean by luck is it's essentially luck every time I get pregnant whether the egg will be affected or not. Clearly, my luck isn't very good as I haven't managed 1 out of 7.

Every time I allow myself to hope and think positive it gets taken away so I'm just a negative now, it's easier.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 19/05/2019 12:00

"
Today 11:52 Ohkayyy

How do I just sit at my desk tomorrow and pretend I'm fine? I don't know what to do."
You don't, you've just had a miscarriage. Take some sick leave

Ohkayyy · 19/05/2019 12:00

They haven't offered IVF yet (I am under the recurrent miscarriage clinic at hosp) but I understand there are certain catchment areas and the fact my H has children already may mean we won't be able to.

OP posts:

Ohkayyy · 19/05/2019 12:01

You don't, you've just had a miscarriage. Take some sick leave

I've had 7 though. I can't keep taking time. Their understanding will wear off eventually

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StealthPolarBear · 19/05/2019 12:02

Oh I see. Yes.
Is your manager generally understanding and sympathetic? What do you do, could you arrange to work from home later this week?

Ohkayyy · 19/05/2019 12:03

That is when you are ready to try again. In the meantime, you need to grieve and shout your pain

It sounds daft but I'll be trying again the minute I stop bleeding. I can't stop. I feel like I'm wasting time if I do.

How old are you?

27

OP posts:

theWarOnPeace · 19/05/2019 12:03

I remember your last thread. I’m so sorry it’s happened again, I really am. I wanted last time to implore you to get IVF with the genetic testing, and stop putting yourself through this ‘luck’ scenario every time. You’re going to destroy your mental health. I know it’s expensive, and stressful, but you can’t keep doing this to yourself. The cost of IVF is of course insane, but not huge compared to how much children cost overall. Have you been given prices for IVF with the genetics by a clinic near you?

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