To get miffed that DH invites DSS to tea every night?

[dragonstitcher]

I don't say anything because it's not worth the battle, but it does piss me off. DSS is nearly 20yo, he finished college a couple of months ago and is going to Uni in Sept. He stays at home (his mums house) all day long watching TV or playing on the PS2 when he should be looking for a summer job and DH invites him to tea every night and picks him up on the way home from work, so that he doesn't have to feed himself. We are a low income family, I get child benefit and child Tax credit for my kids but not for stepsons and I find it hard to feed everyone on a limited budget. Not only that but stepsons mum complains that she is having to throw away food that isn't getting eaten. Sometimes she sends it over here so that it gets used.

A few times a week is reasonable, but every bloomin night isn't, I feel.

I understand that DH is trying to see as much of him before he goes to uni, so it makes me feel unreasonable for feeling this way. Roll on Sept. BTW nearly 18yo SS fends for himself on junk.

[gringottsgoblin]

yabu. if you didnt get tax credit for your kids would you refuse to feed them? agree he sounds like a lazy toad, but he is dhs son, you must have been aware of his existance when you and dh got together?

[lisad123]

I dont think you are being unreasonable, he is 20years old after all. I would bite my tounge till sept, only a few weeks left
lisa

[Elasticwoman]

It is rude of dh to ask any one home for a meal without consulting you first, if you are the one budgeting for and cooking the meal. Ask dh for more money towards food and let him do all the clearing up. He probably thinks he's being so generous, feeding dss every night, but it is your generosity in time and money that he is assuming.

[NeverTickleASleepingSoupDragon]

Of course you're being unreasonable. It's his son.

[alicet]

I can see both sides. On one hand YABU because its his son and they come as a package. I think he's trying to be a good dad to his son and I think this says a lot for him as a person.

However every night is probably a bit much. Certainly without asking. Don't think it would be too much to have a night on your own with your dh. Especially as he's not going to starve as his Mum will clearly cook for him!

[lisad123]

If he was younger i would say YABU but I would think a 20 year old can cook for himself, and i think you should ask hubby for more money towards food, 20 year old boys eat tons!!
L

[Mumpbump]

Why not suggest that dss helps you cook as preparation for living away from home? Like that, he might be discouraged from coming to your house every night and you will look very reasonable and, indeed, helpful! If he does come, you get a hand with stuff which might make you feel a bit better about having to feed him every night.

BTW, I agree that a few times a week is fine, but I think I'd object to every night, tbh.

[alicet]

Top plan mumpbump! And hello - how are you?

[noddyholder]

I think its great your dh includes him

[Mumpbump]

Hi alicet! Feeling much better today and psyching myself up to ploughing through all the posts on the antenatal thread... Can't believe how busy it is on there!!!

[alicet]

Good luck mump - you'll be there a while!!! Glad to hear you're feeling better

[UCM]

There is a terrible thread on here at the moment about a woman who is about to put her poor 6 year old stepson in care, you should read it and be glad your DH loves his kids

[Bouncingturtle]

No YANBU, since you are already feeding him every night, so it's not as those you are already turning him away. Have you actually tackled your DP? Does DSS's DM work? If, as you say, he spends his time on his play station and watching TV, is his mum getting enough time with him? After all, she will miss him just as much you and your dp will when he goes to Uni! Reading through your post it seems she is getting a bit p*ed off especially if she is getting food in to give him for his tea that she is then having to bin or give to you.
I think your DSS is acting rather selfishly towards all three of you but unfortunately he is a teenage boy and teenage boys think that they rule the world. By the way it isn't "commendable" that your dp is spending time with his son - err DSS is his son so he is supposed to spend time with him!
But you need to speak to your dp and ask him to come to an arrangement that he and dss's mum are happy with.

[Biglips]

i am sorry to say but i cant see whats youre complaining about??? as IF my DSD was going starting her uni in Sept - i make sure that my DP see her as often as possible plus its be a bonus for my DD who thinks the world of her

Yes i do think you shud accept this and get on with it as ill be there one day too (my DSD is 8 and my DD is 2)

[WigWamBam]

How would you like your own children to be treated by their stepmother if the tables were turned?

Because that's the way you should treat your husband's son.

[Greensleeves]

I bet yours will be lazy self-indulgent buggers at 19 too

Honestly, galling though it may be to have a great hulking lazy sod of a teenager sponging off you - that's the reality of the family you've chosen to throw your lot in with! You can't cherry pick the bits of bringing up children that you like. He's still in full-time education. He's young. You really just have to put up with it IMO.

[Mercy]

I think all 3 of you are being a bit unreasonable tbh.

Your dh should have discussed this with you first.

At nearly 20, your dss is quite capable of helping you to cook, wash up etc - or to think to bring some food from his mum's.

[mumblechum]

I think mumpbumps idea of teaching your dss to cook is excellent. Not only is he learning an important skill, he's being made aware of how much work and time can go into making a meal so should be more appreciative.

Having said that, if that doesn't work, I'd be inclined to put up and shut up for another couple of months.

[dragonstitcher]

Blimy, methinks I'll need to grow another layer on my thick skin if I'm going to carry on posting on this board.

Just to reitterate, these are my personal feelings only, I haven't complained, caused a fuss or refused to feed any of the children in my family.

I do believe that DH doesn't do his sons any favours by 'mothering' them (for want of a better word). I wonder how DSS is going to cope in Sept without someone to do everything for him.

[Mercy]

lol, dragonstitcher - that's mumsnet for you!

I do agree with you about not babying the older dss.

[Elasticwoman]

People are talking about this nearly 20 year old as though he's an infant.

He may be family, but as he doesn't live full time at the OP's house, he is in effect a guest, and I agree with whoever suggested he should come early with some food and help prepare the meal. Good for him, good for the OP.

[dragonstitcher]

So yesterday, DSS1 (20yo) phones to say he wants tea. Tea is ready just as DH and DSS1 walk through the door. DSS2 (18yo) walked through the door 3 minutes later unexpected. He hasn't wanted any tea all week and now he does, when I have already cooked it. DH asked if there was any to spare. I replied I don't know. DSS2 had to wait to see if there were any leftovers (there was a bit) or wait to have something cooked after by DH cos I was going to work.

DSS1 pipes up as he is tucking in "It's OK xxxx, our mum is cooking a big meal for us later".

!!!!!!!! I'd like to know what you make of that!

[kslatts]

I agree with kerryMumbledore and think you are being unreasonable.