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Not to visit my dying sister or go to her funeral?

(265 Posts)
Cruelstepmother Wed 24-Apr-19 17:59:43

She has cancer, will prob live a couple more weeks/months, lives about 6 hours drive away. She's surrounded by other family members, I don't want to watch her dying and my DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help. She hasn't asked to see me, but we're very close and love each other more than our other sisters.

Downthecanal Wed 24-Apr-19 18:14:32

You must go and see her.

optimisticpessimist01 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:15:02

you should go visit her OP, having a long travel time is an absolutely awful reason not to go visit your dying sister, sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm just being truthful. I think this is a decision you will regret for the rest of your life if you don't. I'd hate for her to think that her sister didn't even come see her on her deathbed

I have no problem with not going to the funeral. I hate funerals, I attended my grandma's years ago and haven't been to one since. The dead are already dead, it doesn't make a difference if your there. Funerals are for the living to grieve. I just don't enjoy being surrounded by people crying and being upset. It's probably my weird way of dealing with grief, but I think it would be ok not to go to the funeral

You should go visit her whilst she's still alive OP, don't live to regret not having a final opportunity to see your darling sister. I'm so sorry you have to make this difficult decision

Finfintytint Wed 24-Apr-19 18:15:16

I watched my mother die last month. It helped bring an end to a horrible process. I don’t think I’d have believed it had I not seen it. It’s up to you of course but it certainly brought finality to a truly shitty course of events and it helped me understand that death was a good thing for someone so ill. I saw the suffering and accepted that it was the best result in an odd kind of way. It did help me.

TinselAndKnickers Wed 24-Apr-19 18:15:41

Be there for your sister. thanks

QueenOfTheTofuTree Wed 24-Apr-19 18:15:52

shock Of course you should go!

PurpleDaisies Wed 24-Apr-19 18:15:54

She probably hasn’t asked because she doesn’t want you to feel you have to come because of your husband. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to see you.

You really don’t want to regret not seeing her when there’s no chance to change that.

Chickychoccyegg Wed 24-Apr-19 18:16:19

what a horrible situation you're in, but i think you should arrange care for your dh and visit your sister, as you are close, im sure she would love to see you, yiu dont want to regretnit when its too late.
i think if i were you i would also go to the funeral , but thats something to deside later

Chinnychinnychinnychib Wed 24-Apr-19 18:18:23

Jesus Christ
I hope this is a reverse.

MegaClutterSlut Wed 24-Apr-19 18:19:15

I think you really should go and see your sister op

marvellousnightforamooncup Wed 24-Apr-19 18:19:54

Go and see her if at all possible. Don't live with regrets.

woollyheart Wed 24-Apr-19 18:20:31

I agree with others, arrange care for DH and visit her before she dies. It will be important to her. It can just be a brief visit - you don't have to watch her die. Later, you will regret that you didn't see her, and it will be too late.

MarshaBradyo Wed 24-Apr-19 18:20:35

Go and see her

Coronapop Wed 24-Apr-19 18:20:50

I think you should definitely visit her, and go to her funeral unless your DH is seriously ill at the time.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered Wed 24-Apr-19 18:21:11

DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help

Think people just don't understand this.
Is there someone who can help with DH? What's his expectancy like?

JemSynergy Wed 24-Apr-19 18:21:48

I would go. Distance would not stop me from saying my last goodbye to someone so dear.

scubadive Wed 24-Apr-19 18:21:59

You should definitely go and see her and go to her funeral. Can you go by train rather than a long drive, can your DH travel? I would t ‘ask’ to see anyone ever but i’d Be very hurt if someone close to me didn’t visit.

MegaClutterSlut Wed 24-Apr-19 18:22:15

Just put yourself in your sisters position, would she visit you? imagine how upsetting it would be her not making the trip and come and see you before you passed

Reallyevilmuffin Wed 24-Apr-19 18:22:47

Most people would see family that close even if they didn't particularly get on. If you have a good relationship absolutely you should, and I would suspect if your DP knew you weren't going due to him he would feel mortified. However sounds more like you're making an excuse not to have to see how I'll she is, which is understandable.

See her definitely. Funeral can be missed, but she is on borrowed time as it is.

louisvootin Wed 24-Apr-19 18:22:52

you will regret it if u dont go

maggiecate Wed 24-Apr-19 18:22:58

Will you regret it if you don't go? Or will you regret it if you do? That's the only question you need to ask yourself really.
If you think that you will regret it if you don't go then try and find a way IF you think it will bring her comfort. There might be some respite care that would help with your husband for a couple of days.

Call her and talk to her about how you're feeling - presumably she knows her time is limited? Tell her you love her, that she's precious to you and see what she says. If she wants to see you then go, if you can bear it. Or she might rather you didn't come if it's distressing for you both, and prefer that you both have your memories of your last time together be a happy one rather than sad. But don't wonder 'what if...?'

homemadegin Wed 24-Apr-19 18:23:54

You need to go and see her and to the funeral. You will never get that back. thanks

SevenSeasofRye Wed 24-Apr-19 18:25:05

Absolutely go. You will bitterly regret it if you don't and she will be upset I imagine that you didn't make the effort.

LL83 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:25:21

Is she aware of what is going on? If she is barely conscious I can almost see your point, but I would go in case she did know.

If she is aware of who's around her then you should go, it would be incredibly hurtful to your sister if you don't and you will regret not being there. Take dh or organise help for him.

Funerals are for the grieving so if you would rather not go to that then fair enough.

eddielizzard Wed 24-Apr-19 18:25:34

You will regret. Huge effort, but you could do it in a day or over two. Is part of it that you're scared of seeing her like this? Scared of saying goodbye? It's incredibly hard, I really sympathise. I said goodbye to my mum. Hardest thing I ever did. But I don't regret it for a second. GO.

Inliverpool1 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:26:35

I couldn’t go and see a dying uncle, I just did not want to remember him that way, is there an element of that ?

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