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To be in love with work mate whose been flirting for 4 years!!

(76 Posts)
Brickedit Wed 10-Apr-19 17:07:51

As it sounds.

I have completed fucked it emotionally. I have been avoiding him, I have tried.

I have feelings for him that I really shouldn't. I can't even walk around the office because I'm trying so hard to pretend I'm not thinking about him all the time.

We are both not available.an

We keep going through this cycle of getting really close and then releasing we've gone too far and backing off again. Then we start talking again, lines get blurred.

He does so many things that make me feel like he feels the same way but then does other stuff which reminds me that this is stupid.

I feel like a damn teenager, a reckless idiot one.

I've got a works do next week we are both going to. Can't get out of.

I'm dreading it. How the hell do I act. I had to speak to him for something yesterday and my face was flaming.

Can't leave this job either. Fuuuccckkk!

Help, life experience or a slap in the face/groin is very much welcome.

Why did he have to be soo him?

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 10-Apr-19 17:11:28

How the hell do I act.

Do not drink. At all.

Deep breaths for the blushing. In through the nose out through the mouth. It really works.

Brickedit Wed 10-Apr-19 17:21:38

Last time I didn't drink and he did and I realised how much sexual tension there was.

I don't want to cheat.

Treaclepie19 Wed 10-Apr-19 17:36:48

It's going to sound harsh but, you have to options.
You either don't cheat and keep avoiding or you tell your husband you want to be with someone else.

That's it. Nobody can choose for you.

Treaclepie19 Wed 10-Apr-19 17:37:10

Oops I meant to say partner not husband 🙄

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks Wed 10-Apr-19 17:40:18

I'm not sure it's massively fair to your partner to string them along when you're never going to feel this way about them. Sounds like you need to reassess your own relationship at home before thinking about what you want next.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 10-Apr-19 17:42:13

I agree that something is wrong at hone if you've felt this way for this long.

TeaForTheWin Wed 10-Apr-19 17:45:28

How can you 'love' him if you are with someone else? If I loved someone I wouldn't be with someone else, even if I couldn't be with the person I loved.

Also, work dickhead is fannying you about.
The whole getting too close and then realising thing...
He doesn't respect his partner, let alone you. Mind you, seems like that is mutual.

Either you leave this job and get far away from this person or you split from your partner. Perhaps then you can see if he wants to split from his, then date. For now - you.are.in.a.relationship. Find your morals and try make use of them. If you fear you won't be able to do this then don't go to this do. Drink would not excuse any 'mistakes' made fyi as you clearly have an incline already that you may choose to cheat.

kaldefotter Wed 10-Apr-19 17:46:24

I don't want to cheat.

And you are perfectly capable of choosing. Cheat, or don't cheat. Don't pretend later that you just couldn't help yourself. If you do cheat, live with the consequences. They will be of your own making. This is not a game. Act like a grown-up.

PresidentHump Wed 10-Apr-19 17:46:41

Have you guys actually talked about how you feel? Do you want to leave your partners and be together? It does happen. You're not terrible people. Don't be dramatic about it

EleanorOalike Wed 10-Apr-19 17:50:47

I was in this situation. It was all led by him and I stupidly fell for it. I was available, he was in a very long distance relationship. When I saw her texts, I put a stop to any non work related contact, stopped socialising with him or agreeing to meet him outside, blanked any flirting, told him to stop with hugs/physical contact etc. It was hard as I was head over heels for him and it did feel like he completed me. I haven’t seen or heard of him for many years because I left soon after and moved away and so did he.

Years down the line he’s finally about to marry her later this year. I am apparently the love of his life and he’s certain I was his soulmate according to friends but he’s still marrying her.

He could have had me but not on the side. I get that it’s hard to hurt a partner’s feelings but no one wants to be with someone that loves someone else more. You are being terribly unfair on your OH. He deserves to have someone feel this way about him too.

A word of warning though. This guy’s behaviour is wrong and if he’s messing around flirting with you when he’s attached, he’s likely to do it to you too if you did get together.

aprarl Wed 10-Apr-19 18:00:02

What's with all the drama?

Just break up with your partner.

Brickedit Wed 10-Apr-19 19:16:15

Okay maybe 'in love' is a strong turn of phase. I don't have another frame of reference for my emotions. It's more than friends but I don't get 'fanny gallops' as they say round here. My stomach drops when I see him and I feel like I want to die.

I caught his eye the other day and my instinctive reaction was to feel like I was going to throw up.

Maybe it's just the guilt. I'm not just going to break up withy partner, I have to be 100% sure. I don't want to break up with my partner for someone else either.

I love my partner a lot.

The angst is because I love my partner and before this dude turned up, I thought people that fell.in love with other people were scum to put it bluntly. I was brought up in a very religious household.

But now, this is my first long term relationship and I think I've been very naive about the scope of human emotions and maybe the possibility of me being fully monogamous. I don't know.

About the guy, I am very confused as to whether he's attracted to me or not because it would be very very at odds with his words. He expresses a lot of emotions about his partner. He confides in me about her and the relationship. He told me he was going to propose to her and did.

I really do not want to speculate about his relationship so I don't know the ins and outs.

This is completely at odds with his overally familiar behaviour with me.

I'm aware that I could probably never trust him if we ever did get together. So really I'm screwed either way.
I would like to talk to him about it and tell him how so I can ask.him politely to stay away from me but if he doesn't feel the same way it will be sooo much fucking drama.

Not really isn't the best time.

NicoAndTheNiners Wed 10-Apr-19 19:19:26

Do you think this could be limerence? Are you sure he feels the same?

Because in my experience if he was interested in you he would have made it clear, even if he was in a relationship. And I don't think he'd have been proposing to his gf.

NicoAndTheNiners Wed 10-Apr-19 19:22:11

And I do think it's normal to find other people attractive when you're in a relationship. It doesn't mean you have to do anything. Though you do sound like you have it bad.

Remember you don't really know him. So your idea of him will be an idealistic version of him and not who he really is. You don't get to see him being grumpy, not helping with the housework, whatever.......the little things which you do see in a partner. Remind yourself this guy will have his faults.

Amongstthetallgrass Wed 10-Apr-19 19:26:55

Er you can get out of it. You could have a blinding migraine. But in all honestly I think you enjoy it.

Penguinpandarabbit Wed 10-Apr-19 19:27:23

I would keep contact with him to a minimum, he sounds like he's just after an affair and will cheat. Even if you "won" and he left her, you could never trust him. He's good at being charming from plenty of practice.

I would not discuss with him or leave your partner - just cut or keep contact minimal with this man. If he asks why say you realised things were inappropriate to you and want things more professional. If you try and discuss things and initiate he's likely to get more flirty.

Sagradafamiliar Wed 10-Apr-19 19:31:12

Oh, you again.

NicoAndTheNiners Wed 10-Apr-19 19:33:27

Oh are you the poster who keeps starting threads asking if your colleague likes you!

Brickedit Wed 10-Apr-19 19:36:36

Im not sure if I'm the same poster you're referring to??

Ihatehashtags Wed 10-Apr-19 19:39:57

It doesn’t sound like you can accurately read signals in life. You are wondering if he feels the same way then in the next breath you say he’s telling you he’s going to propose to his gf! Are you for real. He doesn’t feel the same. Maybe he wants a quick shag with someone else. I’d say that would be about it.

Pianobook Wed 10-Apr-19 19:40:33

I don’t think you should tell him. That would be the worst thing to do if he declares his feelings too. That’s the start of an affair.

I think you should not drink on the night out and go home early. Get your partner to pick you up.

Brickedit Wed 10-Apr-19 19:44:45

I am confused though. What is limerance?

I could give you a long list of the things he's done that could evidence his attraction but I would be very outing. Instinctive touching, strange comments which I find odd for someone of his relationship status etc..

I don't want to win him. I want to stop feeling like this.

I haven't said more than hiya to him for month but this event coming up is my danger zone.

ShitAtScarbble Wed 10-Apr-19 19:45:11

Im not sure if I'm the same poster you're referring to??

No?

aprarl Wed 10-Apr-19 19:46:23

Your partner is so lucky to have you. hmm

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