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MIL - ladies first rule...

(198 Posts)
Summertimeandlivingiseasy Tue 19-Feb-19 06:01:22

AIBU to feel that is not necessary lesson for a 6 year old. Staying at MIL for 2 week holiday. She encourages kids to eat healthily and behave on promise of a sweet treat. (Which I don't mind) my 6 year old gets all excited when she gets the sweet box out but then MIL insists his 8 year old sister can choose first as it's polite to let 'ladies to go first'. He then gets upset as his big sister always gets things before him. We've always taught them guests first and have occassionaly mentioned ladies first. Is it something everyone teaches their sons from a young age? Is it fair with siblings?

Northernparent68 Tue 19-Feb-19 06:03:51

It’s a bit dated, can you suggest they take it in turns to go first, and I’m not sure bribery with sweets is a good idea.

Myfoolishboatisleaning Tue 19-Feb-19 06:06:57

Guests first is ok, but surely turn taking is more important.

PinkSmitterton Tue 19-Feb-19 06:27:41

I hate "ladies first" it's outdated sexist crap.

Easy for me to say I know, but I feel strongly enough about it that tell MiL not to say it and have an argument about if necessary!

What's the benefit of letting his sister go first? It's upsetting him unecessarily

Hunter037 Tue 19-Feb-19 06:35:16

I don't see the reason for "ladies first". Why should girls (your DD isn't even a lady) go first? Ask you MIL to take it in turns or just offer them the box together.

The only time I've ever heard anyone use the expression is if an older man holds the door or lets you go in front in a wueue o rsomething

Saylav Tue 19-Feb-19 06:36:23

It would be ladies or youngest first for me. A bit like the Titanic. Women and Children only. Except a few men jumped in too. Nothing wrong with not jumping in because you're bigger and stronger.

ShaftOfWit Tue 19-Feb-19 06:37:47

I hate "ladies first" it's outdated sexist crap
This. I'd take a very dim view if anyone tried spouting this nonsense to my child. And I find it patronising and offensive if anyone suggests that I should go first because I'm a 'lady' (even the word makes me cringe).

EdWinchester Tue 19-Feb-19 06:38:27

Sexist, patronising crap. Nip it in the bud immediately.

Politeness and courtesy is what matters - to everyone.

(The sweet reward thing would annoy me too).

Saylav Tue 19-Feb-19 06:40:40

I wonder what sort of sons the next generation will be. From the parenting here, it doesn't bode well.

barryfromclareisfit Tue 19-Feb-19 06:42:51

Throwing the baby out with the bath water.

brookshelley Tue 19-Feb-19 06:43:58

So old fashioned. They are siblings of similar age, there are no "ladies" involved. As the oldest she probably has had her pick of items first as well. They should take turns or just be offered two of the same thing so the person choosing first doesn't get the better one.

I'd be bothered by bribing with sweets in general too.

brookshelley Tue 19-Feb-19 06:44:51

It would be ladies or youngest first for me. A bit like the Titanic. Women and Children only. Except a few men jumped in too. Nothing wrong with not jumping in because you're bigger and stronger.

How is this relevant to a 6 year old boy and 8 year old girl hmm

Aridane Tue 19-Feb-19 06:44:58

my 6 year old gets all excited when she gets the sweet box out but then MIL insists his 8 year old sister can choose first as it's polite to let 'ladies to go first'

Is to the case that MIL thinks the younger one is being a bit rude and pushy with indecent haste to go first and so is inviting his sibling no to go first?

ukgift2016 Tue 19-Feb-19 06:45:19

Omg who cares?? Seriously.

Saylav Tue 19-Feb-19 06:53:59

The 6 year old boy will grow up with manners or he won't.

JacquesHammer Tue 19-Feb-19 06:56:03

The 6 year old boy will grow up with manners or he won't

If the only way you can model manners is by sexist tropes then there’s something amiss.

I do love the totally irrelevant Titanic comparison though grin

Summertimeandlivingiseasy Tue 19-Feb-19 06:59:06

Ukgift2016 I care and genuinely couldn't decide whether to say something as I didn't want to undermine MIL who I like and am staying in her home as a guest. Arcane I think you might be right I hadn't thought if that. Next time I will suggest turn taking more important as 8 year old isn't a lady yet. Thanks folk!

MerdedeBrexit Tue 19-Feb-19 07:24:29

It's generational, clearly. Things have changed a great deal since WWII. My mother brought me up on "Ladies first" and a load of other sexist rubbish. She would be in her nineties if she were still alive, though, and she had realised by the time she was retired that the world was very different from when she was a girl (lady wink). My own daughter has been taught to be polite and to respect other people, first and foremost.

easyandy101 Tue 19-Feb-19 07:49:07

Funny how many people seem opposed to it but never in my life has anyone ever turned down a seat I've offered, or insisted that I do indeed go first if I wave someone ahead.

I know this isn't a great example, this is sweets, there's no real negative implication to going last in a sweet selection but it's a "lesson" that MIL assumes ds is capable of extrapolating to other circumstances, although if adults can't understand it as a concept (wtf there's no lady therehmm ) maybe she's asking quite alot.

We read frequently about the real physical differences between men and women, about how we're built differently, our superior strength and fitness and the general physical inability of women in comparison to men so it's interesting that on a flip side we shouldn't try and accommodate those central facts in any way.

My priorities wrt who I allow ahead:

The elderly and infirm woman
The elderly and infirm man
The Pregnant
The Small children
The Women
The Anyone else

I never take a seat in case anyone else wants it generally, man or woman, but until someone tells me otherwise IRL then I'll stick to my outdated ways, people with manners, even some outdated ones, have been making my world a nicer place to live since forever

JacquesHammer Tue 19-Feb-19 07:51:05

We read frequently about the real physical differences between men and women, about how we're built differently, our superior strength and fitness and the general physical inability of women in comparison to men so it's interesting that on a flip side we shouldn't try and accommodate those central facts in any way

That’s ok. I might be a weak and feeble woman but I can cope with opening a door or standing on public transport.

My rough guide to being a decent person is “give those a seat/help those who need it”.

easyandy101 Tue 19-Feb-19 07:52:13

I've never said ladies first though

Noticed in the restaurant last night actually that they did a genuine (and proper imo) serving the women first, pouring their drinks first etc even though the table layout made it harder. Was happy as I've noticed it's missing from some places now

2rachtin Tue 19-Feb-19 07:54:52

I'd say something if it's every time as being fair as far as possible is important to me. My MIL thinks men should sit at the head of the table which I pulled her up on (gently) when she said that to my children.

easyandy101 Tue 19-Feb-19 08:09:44

My rough guide to being a decent person is “give those a seat/help those who need it”.

Need is a relative concept and as previously inferred regardless of your strength and fitness, weakness or feebleness I always, as a (semi pro athlete) man, am stronger, am fitter, am categorically less in need

I'm not gonna stop doin it grin

JacquesHammer Tue 19-Feb-19 08:12:11

I always, as a (semi pro athlete) man, am stronger, am fitter, am categorically less in need

Ah the arrogance of male

Skittlesandbeer Tue 19-Feb-19 08:14:15

I have a friend (late 30’s) who is determined to instil ‘gentlemanly’ values in her son (8yo). She makes him walk back through doorways if he’s pushed ahead of ‘ladies’, including his 10yo Dsis.

At the table, he takes his empty plate, my dd’s and his dsis’s into the kitchen. He is asked to pour drinks for the girls, etc.

It seems very old-fashioned when you see it in action. But my friend is sure it will serve him well in life. At the moment all I can see it doing is making him hate girls...!

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