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MIL - ladies first rule...

(198 Posts)
Summertimeandlivingiseasy Tue 19-Feb-19 06:01:22

AIBU to feel that is not necessary lesson for a 6 year old. Staying at MIL for 2 week holiday. She encourages kids to eat healthily and behave on promise of a sweet treat. (Which I don't mind) my 6 year old gets all excited when she gets the sweet box out but then MIL insists his 8 year old sister can choose first as it's polite to let 'ladies to go first'. He then gets upset as his big sister always gets things before him. We've always taught them guests first and have occassionaly mentioned ladies first. Is it something everyone teaches their sons from a young age? Is it fair with siblings?

Huntawaymama Tue 19-Feb-19 09:28:25

I was the eldest of three, two younger brothers and we had the opposite, I always had to wait until last so my littlest brother didn't kick off. I was very resentful about it growing up, although somehow now my brothers are "proper" gents and behave very respectfully towards me

GreenTulips Tue 19-Feb-19 09:35:45

would be ladies or youngest first for me

Why does being the youngest get additional Benidorm? Same for eldest first

Some people will never be the younger or elder sibling

Makes no sense to continually put one child second

Jinglesplodge Tue 19-Feb-19 09:40:32

This thread makes unnerving reading to me: I can't understand why it's considered a good thing to be teaching boys to be "chivalrous" or "gentlemanly" any more than we ought to teach girls to be "ladylike".

Why can't we teach boys and girls equally to respect one another and take turns? Why is it good for a restaurant to serve ladies first? Outside of genuine physical need, like a pregnant lady needing to sit, I don't think there's any room in modern parenting for teaching children that there's a difference between boys and girls.

BrizzleMint Tue 19-Feb-19 09:45:52

When we go out for a meal DS is always asked last what he would like, sometimes I will go with it and other times DD or I will ask him what he would like and he chooses before one of us. We haven't ever discussed it, it's just something that we sometimes do organically.
DS has been told he is the man of the house now, that pisses me off.

easyandy101 Tue 19-Feb-19 09:46:00

Where fo the non-elderly visibly disabled fit into to your hierarchy of people you give way to?

Infirm. But the way I wrote it wasn't clear

MereDintofPandiculation Tue 19-Feb-19 09:55:06

easyandy101 Ah, you meant, eg, elderly woman/infirm woman, rather than a woman who was both elderly and infirm. I understand now.

zzzzz Tue 19-Feb-19 10:00:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maelstrop Tue 19-Feb-19 10:04:25

Sex st shite and offering sweets as a reward is not ideal, Imo. I know others will disagree and think bribes are fine.

Cranky17 Tue 19-Feb-19 10:05:41

Why can't we teach boys and girls equally to respect one another and take turns?

This in bucket loads ✊

EstrellaDamn Tue 19-Feb-19 10:08:48

I'd just laugh it off in private with the kids and says 'sometimes granny is a bit old fashioned isn't she?'

It really isn't a big deal though. I wouldn't pull her up on it and make her feel awkward; it's her home after all.

FlagranceDirect Tue 19-Feb-19 10:09:29

I thought the idea of 'women and children first' in a disaster situation was to ensure continuing procreation. The more women and children who survive, there's more likelihood of survival of a race or species.

Obviously this is specific to a disaster situation. Maybe it's just trickled down the centuries.

mummmy2017 Tue 19-Feb-19 10:18:14

I think you need to let you MIL be..
I bet if you really look, you will find times your son is always compensated by her, but have not realised as your a but hooked up by the sweet thing.
Remind him that he does get a sweet, that at home this does not happen and that in the world there will always be inequality, and that learning to lose and just enjoying getting something without having to be first makes him the better person.

lyralalala Tue 19-Feb-19 10:25:15

That would annoy me. Learning to take turns is important.

No child should get to go first all the time at any activity just because they are male/female/youngest/oldest. The only time a child should get first pick of the sweets every single time is if they are an only child.

Jux Tue 19-Feb-19 10:33:42

Turn-taking is by far the most sensible way to go. For instance, a sister in between two brothers constantly loses out if eldest or youngest first is the rule. The boys always lose out if the rule is ladies first. Etc. Far better to have turn-taking and some means of indicating where you are in the turns for things which are longer between them (visits to granny once a month or less).

Eliza9917 Tue 19-Feb-19 10:52:00

He then gets upset as his big sister always gets things before him

Stop giving her things before him then.

diddl Tue 19-Feb-19 11:03:58

"He then gets upset as his big sister always gets things before him"

But we are just talking about 2wks at MIL-with you there?

DontCallMeCharlotte Tue 19-Feb-19 11:08:43

It may not be correct these days although I personally think it is but it is correct for your MIL's generation (how old is she?).

I think pick your battles and this shouldn't be one. Also, how would you counter it anyway? "No, DS, it's absolutely NOT ladies first, it's er...."

EstrellaDamn Tue 19-Feb-19 11:08:54

I'm so not getting the angst. Surely just say that different people do things differently, and at granny's it's ladies first, although we all know that at home that's not how we'd do things.

F1amingo Tue 19-Feb-19 11:24:21

My DH has always brought our boys up to let ladies go first etc and they have hardly been traumatised by it fgs!

This reminds me of when I was helping out at DDs prep school Xmas party. There was some kind of lucky dip for prizes and rather than all rushing and grabbing at the box, two boys automatically said, “ladies first” and then all the boys hung back in the queue. It’s reassuring to think we’re still bringing DC up to have some self-respect in society today, as there are so many clueless people about unfortunately.

Jinglesplodge Tue 19-Feb-19 11:29:03

Why is arbitrarily letting girls go first teaching kids self respect? That's teaching them one group has priority over the others. We wouldn't say "white children first". Why girls?

F1amingo Tue 19-Feb-19 11:36:51

Jingle - having such manners and codes of behaviour is what differentiates is from animals. Imagine a society where there was no concept of letting women go first or no concept of “difference.” They’d be pushed sideways trying to get into a bus or tube in rush hour, never get a seat because men would just push them aside. And so on.,.

JacquesHammer Tue 19-Feb-19 11:40:02

magine a society where there was no concept of letting women go first or no concept of “difference.” They’d be pushed sideways trying to get into a bus or tube in rush hour, never get a seat because men would just push them aside. And so on

Wouldn't we be better served teaching a concept of "waiting your turn" to EVERYONE rather than use an outdated concept? I wouldn't expect a man who was in front of me to allow me to go first just because I have a vagina. There's absolutely no need.

Jinglesplodge Tue 19-Feb-19 11:41:47

YES, Jacques.

We totally need a code of conduct. But it's "don't be a dick", "let others go first", not giving priority to people who may or may not need it and reinforcing the idea that girls and women are weak and need to be patronised by boys and men.

AryaStarkWolf Tue 19-Feb-19 11:41:50

Oh no I have one of each and I would give them turns of being first, ladies first is so unfair

Mushroomsarehorrible Tue 19-Feb-19 11:54:37

F1amingo
Some people on MN will literally make an argument out of thin air. Yes, of course, you teach your DS’ to offer their seat for women, let them go first, etc etc. What is the alternative fgs? It doesn’t need a big song and dance made about it, but I can’t fathom why some women can’t differentiate between basic chivalry / good manners and misogyny. The two are not the same at all. Only on MN do people get worked up about this kind of thing. Why?

^ THIS x 1000000

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