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AIBU?

AIBU? Huge row with Husband

261 replies

Sadsoph · 17/02/2019 08:51

Hello lovely mumsnetters, I could really do with some perspective on a horrible disagreement I had with my husband yesterday.
Bit of background. We have had a terrible couple of months as he is having a huge midlife crisis and apparently doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He's miserable at home and can't be himself around me (he says). We had been doing fertility treatment as he is desperate for a baby but when he told me he wasn't sure if we had a future, I halted the 3rd round of donor egg ivf I was about to do as why the hell would I have a baby with someone who is unsure of our relationship?
Anyway, he decided he can't live with me but can't live without me, gee thanks 🙄 so we are still together muddling through and he's putting quite a lot of pressure on me to start the treatment again which would be next week. So i am super stressed (quietly, inside, freaking out) about that.

Anyway, I digress..... it's his birthday today and he is working at midday, he invited his brother and wife and kids over for dinner last night.
I did all the grocery shopping, spent hours cleaning the house and was cooking something quite complicated at his request.
He didn't lift a finger to help me, I had asked him just to clean the lounge but it was getting quite late in the day so I just went ahead and did it as it didn't look like it was going to get done.
He walked the dog in the morning, had a snooze in the afternoon and announced about an hour before everyone was arriving that he fancied a pint.
In order to not cause an argument and to be nice, I said great, but please can you just be half an hour as I will need a bit of help.
An hour later, they arrive, with his mum in tow as he had forgotten to tell me she was also coming.....and he was still in the pub.
I was super stressed by this point and called him and said ffs everyone is here where the fuck are you?
He got home and I was a bit annoyed but had dinner etc.
When everyone left I tried to explain to him why I was a bit peed off, he'd done nothing to help all day and wasn't even here when everyone arrived.
He completely lost his shit with me, he'd asked my sis in law to call him so he'd be at home when they arrived and she didn't, so it wasn't his fault.
I'd tricked him into thinking it was ok to walk the dog, have a sleep and go to the pub... because I didn't complain when he did all those things and I had said it was fine to go so I had no right to complain that he hadn't done anything to help. I'm devious and trick him. Lull him into a false sense of security and then have a go at him when everyone leaves... (not quite sure when I'm meant to talk to him... when everyone was here?)
He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.
So last night, at his insistence we slept in seperate rooms and he doesn't want to see me today as he doesn't want to be stressed out before work.
Am I being unreasonable to think he should have offered to help? He knows I have a bad back, it was his family coming over. I just know if it was the other way round I would never do this to him.
Another night spent crying on my own. Joy.

OP posts:
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ChesterGreySideboard · 17/02/2019 08:54

Oh honey.
I don’t have much advice but I didn’t want to read and run.
I’ve had ivf and it tests the strongest of relationships.

Do you really want to stay in a relationship with this man?

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DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/02/2019 08:55

Have you considered taking the decision out of his hands, and making up your own mind whether you want to be with him anymore?

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HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 17/02/2019 08:55

Tell him he's a twat and you are going to split up. You've had enough of his testify behaviour and he can fuck the fuck off ... then sit back and see his reaction - that will be the cue for what he actually really feels - then take it from there - will go one of two ways - but at least you'll both know and can move on accordingly.

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RabbityMcRabbit · 17/02/2019 08:55

He sounds horrid. Do you really want to be in a relationship and have a child with this lazy, gas-lighting individual?

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Baby1onboard11 · 17/02/2019 08:56

Why on earth are you continuing this relationship when it’s told you he doesn’t want to be with you? If it’s half arsed then tell him to get out

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Serialweightwatcher · 17/02/2019 08:56

He sounds selfish and horrific and no way, after what he's said to you and the way he treats you, should you consider having a baby with him - if you think there is anything worth saving you need to speak to him properly and explain how he makes you feel - if he doesn't apologise or have any intention to change his ways (for at least months, not days btw) you need to get rid quickly - sorry but you don't deserve to be treated like that Flowers

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Livid21 · 17/02/2019 08:56

I’m so sorry. You know the immediate answer to this is you CANNOT go ahead with the treatment next week. The rest you can worry about when you have headspace to, but you can’t be putting yourself through the traumas of IVF right now. I’d tell you that you should leave him and you should, but take that at your own pace. Cancel with the clinic today though, before he has chance to wheedle you round. You can do this x

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MuddyMoose · 17/02/2019 08:57

He doesn't sound pleasant to be around at all & it sounds like it's been going on for longer than last night's meal. YADNBU.
Please don't bring a very much wanted (on your behalf) & longer for child into such an unstable atmosphere. I can almost guarantee you he would become less supportive & helpful after a baby & they are bloody hard work.

Hope everything works out in the end for the best for you Flowers

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Nottheboreworms · 17/02/2019 08:57

He's an arsehole. It's all about him and what he wants. What do YOU want? Do you want to live like this?

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LilaJude · 17/02/2019 08:58

He is, of course, being an unreasonable arsehole. Both in this situation and in general, by keeping you hanging.

Does this have to be his choice? Do you want to carry on this relationship? What are you getting from it? He sounds miserable and mean. You don’t need to give him the choice of whether this relationship continues - your happiness is your priority.

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ThanosSavedMe · 17/02/2019 08:58

The big question. Is do you want to be with him? He’s not the only one who can make a decision like that.

Absolutely do not go ahead with the ivf next week.

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SimoneStrasser · 17/02/2019 08:58

He has treated you appallingly.

If I was in your position I’d suggest him leaving and finding somewhere else to live while he figures out his midlife crisis.

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Gina2012 · 17/02/2019 08:58

Oh
My
God

What a total arsehole he is

Please don't have a baby with him

Please ask him to go away for a while (or forever) as his 'mid life crisis' is for him to deal with and isn't a stick with which to beat you

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TheNavigator · 17/02/2019 08:59

He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.*

Just no. I really think your marriage is done and you would be better without him. There is a long thread on here about how people in healthy marriages resolve differences and a common theme is that they can disagree on the issue but never mock, belittle or verbally abuse each other. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of the day, he is not entitled to speak to you like that and it does not sound like there is any true liking or respect for you. It really does sound like you need to put the IVF to one side and work on moving forwards with your life without him.

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Tractortod · 17/02/2019 08:59

Didn't you post before? Your husband is trying to use you as a human vessel to carry his baby. He clearly doesn't even like you! This is such an awful situation and my heart goes out to you but please think of yourself and leave him. He thinks he can pick you up and throw you down as he pleases. This is not a marraige and certainly not one for IVF or a baby.

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Gruzinkerbell1 · 17/02/2019 08:59

What Display said. Why on earth are you allowing this vile man to treat you like this? Please find your inner strength and self respect and tell him to fuck off.

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MoseShrute · 17/02/2019 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patr1ckJane · 17/02/2019 09:00

He’s being unreasonable. I’m assuming you wanted to stay together and he knows that so is acting like a twat because you’ll be too scared he’ll decide to leave if you call him out on it.

If tell him his treatment if you is inexcusable and you’ll make the decision about separating for him. You deserve better!

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Decormad38 · 17/02/2019 09:01

Kick him into touch. He’s an arse. I think you know that already though don’t you. You deserve better.

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BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 17/02/2019 09:01

You sound like a lovely giving and caring person. He doesnt deserve you. You need to put yourself first for once Flowers

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Serialweightwatcher · 17/02/2019 09:02

Just read your last post a month ago - basically nothing has changed and you're clinging on but you know this is all wrong ... you know the answer yourself

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Singlenotsingle · 17/02/2019 09:02

If you go ahead with having a baby, you're going to end up as a single parent. He's being totally unreasonable. Of course he should have done at least 50% of the prep work for his visitors, done some cleaning and cooked the meal. He's inventing excuses to have a row! Which means there's something going on in his head that he hasn't told you about!

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kbPOW · 17/02/2019 09:02

It's not you. It's him. Please LTB

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AuntieCJ · 17/02/2019 09:02

He's a prick. He keeps telling you your marriage is over. Believe him. Cut your losses and leave you deserve someone who will treat you with respect.

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TwitterLovesMAPs · 17/02/2019 09:04

He’s behaving like a cunt. Unless your next round of IVF comes with a free personality transplant for him, he’s not going to miraculously change once you get pregnant. Personally I wouldn’t want to live like that.

Also, I’ve been on these boards a long time and I have never seen a thread that stared with a variation of ‘he loves me but he’s not in love with me’, ‘he doesn’t know what he wants’, ‘I think he’s having a midlife crisis’, and the hasn’t been a OW lurking in the background somewhere.

Stop doing the pick me dance and cherchez la femme.

Or you could save your time and energy and just tell him to fuck off now, for being a massive twat.

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