My first baby and MIL

[LauraBrown1]

Okay guys AIBU? I just need to get this out there and know it's not me just being a hormonal pregnant girl.
So I'm 11 weeks pregnant and since about week 4 my partners parents went and surprised us with a pram and a play pen. I was shocked, I hadn't even given any though yet of what pram I would like and even the fact I would need one so soon! It's beautiful don't get my wrong. MIL has also bought bibs, babygrows, nappies, dummies etc... she's even had cardigans knitted (like the old fashioned type) I expected these kind of things as you usually get them as gifts from friends and family at baby showers and such. She told me how my partners grandad almost bought us this old Victorian cot from a charity shop the other week so I had to butt in and tell her to tell him not to as my parents offered to buy the cot. Our vision of our first child's baby room is exciting, as any parent-to-be would be.. we want to paint it all neutral colours like grey/ white and cream and saw some lovely light wooden colour furniture from ikea. This is our dream nursery. She's messaged me today with a picture of a BLUE rocking bed for baby.. I feel like I want to cry. We (obviously) don't know the gender yet but we've mentioned loads how we would love a little girl. Now my problem is, I feel like I'm not going to have a chance to buy anything for my baby myself. Also I'm 11 weeks pregnant! I haven't even had my first scan yet! I'm so early, and not to put a black eye on stuff but I'm not in the 'safe zone' yet. I feel like she's clearly excited as it's her first grandchild too but it's overwhelming! DP hasn't mentioned anything to her and I'm scared to bring this topic up with him.
I've just spoken to my mother on the phone and she's quite annoyed as she wanted to buy the rocker and feels as if it's so early too. What do I do? Or AIBU and stupid?

[coffeekittens]

YANBU. You need to bring it up with your DP and he needs to tell her to back the fuck off. I usually read MIL threads and think that the OP is being precious but yours is really over stepping the mark. Try and grow a thick skin and ignore her, do what makes you happy for your baby, if she carries on buying baby stuff after being told then more fool her.

[Bluelady]

It's too soon. Much too soon. But that's the least of it. As a grandparent, I know how excited your MiL is but she needs to calm down. How does she get on with your mum? Can you ask her to have a word with MiL and tell her how unkind it is to rob everyone else, especially you, of the pleasure of buying nice things for your baby?

[Idontbelieveinthemoon]

Stand firm and tell her you don't eat anything buying, making or ordering until you're ready. Each time she says she's bought something say "lovely, that'll have to stay at your house, though" and don't deviate.

It sounds as though it's coming from a nice place and it's well-meant, but it also sounds as though you're going to have to deal with it head-on and stop her bulldozing her way through your pregnancy.

[CosmicCanary]

Its understandable that she is excited. However your DP needs to speak to her about reining it in a bit as it is overwhelming.

If he is a good DP he will listen to you and chat with his mum and if she is a good MIL she will understand and back off a bit.

[Biancadelriosback]

Speak up now. Be kind though, she sounds just so excited and overstepping the line. Tell her that you've sorted stuff (eg bed, furniture etc) and if she keeps buying stuff, tell her you simply don't have room and can she store it until you are ready for it/another grandchild.
Perhaps she thinks she is lifting a financial burden? But speak up now. I didn't and my ILs bought loads of my DSs 'firsts' and big ticket items I was saving up to buy him. It makes you start to resent them which isn't good.

[frazzledasarock]

I’d look at it as grandparents being super excited and going a bit OTT.

Equally I would point blank refuse the cot and say as we discussed we’ve already chosen our baby’s cot you can keep that one at yours for when we visit.

My MIL bless her was crazy excited when I had DD, she bought lots of stuff too but respectfully kept it at hers and it does get used when we go, but not that much as obviously we don’t visit that often, the Moses basket she got was never used as dd outgrew it before we visited her.

Try not to get upset, but also don’t let them take over. Buy whatever you want.
Alternatively tell her you want the specific cot you’ve picked and they can buy that for you.

With my first my own parents we’re awful bought utterly shit crap for dc and would put it up so I couldn’t refuse/return it.

I’ve learned to put my foot down firmly since then.

[MoreCheeseDear]

It is too early but your MiL is excited and has got carried away.

Your DH needs to tell her to not buy anything else because you have firm ideas about what you both want. My in laws just threw money at us. Much the best way.

[sackrifice]

Try this:

'Hi. No need, we are not getting any more stuff until nearer the time. Thanks for asking.'

[purple776]

you are going to have to speak to your DP and I suspect this is going to be the least of your problems when baby is here she will be nightmare. Stand your ground now. Send that ugly blue rocker back she tell her not to buy furniture and stick to babygrows if she feels compelled to buy things

[PhoebeBear]

She's a wonderful woman and I get on with her like my own mother. She's always been there for us, we live across the road from her so she'll come over with the odd bit food shopping or more furniture for our TINY house 🙄

I think I'll mention it to her today as she'll be bringing it over later on tonight. I'm thinking something along the lines off 'I really appreciate it but we've had our eyes on a few things we'd like to buy too' I'd never want to upset her or for her to take it the wrong way of course.

[AlisonW1982]

You need to nip this in the bud now or else you're going to have months , years of her being overwhelming.

Just tell her, don't ask. "I wish you'd asked what we want We appreciate the thought but since this is our baby, we want to buy / choose it. The charity shop will put it to good use."

Then make her take it away, or label it up next to a front door with bags marked "charity shop".

Painful the first couple of times but she'll get the message the third time

This assumes your partner is fully on board though - if not, you need to come to a firm agreement around boundaries with him first. Only then, together, can you eforce them with consistency (like you would a child).

[Confusedbeetle]

Her son, Mum I know this is very exciting but you are jumping the gun, it is very early days. Things can go wrong so please dont buy any stuff

[AlisonW1982]

@PhoebeBear the problem with that is you're not CLEARLY stating your wishes. Be honest, adult, calm - but say what you want to happen. Stop with the waffle or expecting others to guess / realize what you're asking for (stop buying stuff!).

[PhoebeBear]

@AlisonW1982 this is what I'm worried about, will it be like this in the future? She mentioned on the DAY we told the news we're expecting.. that next years holidays she'll book a family room for all of us when we go abroad! I did stand my ground there and said it wouldn't be necessary.. I'm having a baby not a bomb tied to my leg!

[Greenglassteacup]

All before your 12 week scan?

[QueenOfCatan]

As the others have said, stand your ground now. This will only get worse and you will start to resent your dp. And don't get him to deal with it, do it yourself firmly and clearly.

[PhoebeBear]

@Greenglassteacup I'm due my first scan on the 5th feb, I'll be almost 13 weeks then

[Heyha]

"thank you so much for what you've got for us so far, it's brilliant to have you so involved but my family want to buy some major items for us too and we don't know what we're doing for nursery yet so please don't get anything else like that for now. I know how excited everybody is so if you see any more nice clothes or little toys while you're out and about that you can't resist I'm sure that won't be a problem, can never have too many baby grows!" I'd be wary of buying anything before 12 weeks but, assuming you will try again if the worst happens, enabling her to scratch the itch by buying small practical things that will keep (or be much appreciated as charity donations even if they sit in the cupboard for years first) should work for everyone.

[Greenglassteacup]

It’s very early days for buying all of this stuff.

[PhoebeBear]

@QueenOfCatan DP and his mother are VERY close.. almost as I'd do I dare say mummy's boy. I've had a text written to him for over an hour now and I'm debating wether to press send. He's at work. It says 'you really need to tell (MIL) to stop buying stuff , you know we want it all grey and white themed and what are we going to have left to buy ourselves for our first child? In the nicest way just please tell her we want to buy baby things later on'

[Theyellowsquare]

If you get on fairly well with her maybe involve her in your planning. You have someone to discuss every aspect of the nursery without their eyes glazing over.

Maybe then she will buy the stuff what you like rather than stuff you don't.

[Returnofthesmileybar]

"MIL I appreciate everything you have bought for us, I do, but as I am sure you were when you had your own children, we want to buy things or at least pick them out ourselves. We also have other people, including babies other grandparents who would lime to buy things too. Can you please not buy anymore, the rocker is lovely but will need to stay at your house, once you are happy with that too, if not I won't be offended if you return it. I know you mean well, it's just I am only 11 weeks so although well intentioned, it's a bit much"

[PhoebeBear]

@Theyellowsquare that's a good thought actually. I might send her to pics we've found from Pinterest and stuff and show her how we imagined it to all look like. Thanks 😊😊 maybe then she'll cut down on the pointless buying stuff for now

[GoldCloud]

She's messaged me today with a picture of a BLUE rocking bed for baby.. I feel like I want to cry. We (obviously) don't know the gender yet but we've mentioned loads how we would love a little girl.

This sounds bizarre, her buying a blue rocker isn't going to have any influence on the baby's sex

To be honest you probably should have kept quiet until your 12 week scan, but now the cat's out of the bag you need to get your partner to have a word with her.

[PhoebeBear]

@GoldCloud I know it's not, I just feel like as soon as she sees anything in shops she buys it. If baby does turn out to be a girl I just imagine her buying boys clothes if she sees them on bargain and vice versa.

I know, we were just too excited! It was the first of December and I had to decline a drink at her house (which is never like me) I think she realised then so we told them. I'm very impatient I know😂