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AIBU- Inlaws dilemma- Help!!

(188 Posts)
Advice79 Thu 09-Aug-18 10:19:27

Apologies for long post!

DH and I have been married 8 years 3 kids and currently expecting our 4th child.

We took FIL to his GP appointment yesterday, and they advised a repeat blood test needed. FIL is out of country 6 months of year due to work, and flying out of country on Saturday. I quickly drafted a letter to GP from him asking permissions for full medical history including bloods/results/appointments could be discussed with Husband, and sister in law as there have been issues in the past over communications from which meant him flying back unnecessarily.

I asked FIL if he wanted me in there he said yes, so I added myself too. (For background I usually sort out his appointments, repeat prescriptions, collections etc). Note we live almost 80 miles from his GP, and SIL has never done this in the last few years.

FIL took letter into surgery and I emailed it to SIL, me and hubby so everyone is in the loop. We then took FIL to hospital for blood test to be done asap.

SIL then messages me to say following

"Hi I’m not comfortable with the GP discussing my Dad’s medical condition with you at the same time that it will be discussed with Hubby and I. It’s not appropriate and it’s not right as we are his children. I’ve spoken to FIL about this in the past when you have suggested this before and he agreed that that is not what he wanted. I’ll speak to him about it again but there appears to be crossed wires here.

I say "ok".

At this point I speak to hubby who is in hospital with FIL and he says SIL called him, and he explained to her that FIL was happy for me to be added to letter, and consented, it wasn't done in a malicious/cohersive way.

She replies

"I’ve just seen your email. I’ll write back to the GP today once I’ve spoken to FIL to get the letter reverted. In future I would ask that as my Dad’s daughter matters such as these are discussed with me also before any action I’d taken. It’s going to now look odd that a further letter is done"

I replied stating it's inappropriate she contacts me and that she needs to discuss with FIL and my hubby. She states she doesn't know what's inappropriate and that she is well within her rights to have this view. I state the following.

"To be honest if you dont know there is no point in discussing it with you. There are many different ways in which this situation could have been dealt with and I didn't need to be involved in any of it. What is clear is that you clearly have an issue with me, and that's fine, but I am pregnant, and dont need this addition stress and attitude from you, so I would appreciate it if you don't contact me further. As previously stated please discuss with Hubby and FIL . This would have been the most appropriate way of dealing with it, as it is his medical record, and I only did what FIL discussed with me and hubby and followed his wishes. This is my opinion and I'm well within my rights to have a view too just like you"

She then replies "Stop messaging me then and stay out of family matters"

Heated conversations then took place later that evening between hubby, FIL and SIL, and SIL states to hubby that I shouldn't get involved as I'm not her family, and these are family matters, (but I'm good enough to sort out flight bookings, collecting prescriptions, take him shopping etc when needed). I only get involved in things if FIL directly asks me to help him with something.

Hubby states I am family and she doesn't get to decide who is family or not. She repeats about 10/20 times I'm not her family.

Hubby then asks if our kids are her family, she states Yes, but Your wife is not family. Hubby then states if I am not family then there is no point in any family relations, and that she needs to apologise for her comments. She says never. Hubby explains situation cannot be left as is, and things cannot just go back to normal after her comments. SIL doesn't understand and that they can! Hubby states that if she doesn't understand there is no point in continuing contact.

Who is being unreasonable here?

LongtimeLurker29 Thu 09-Aug-18 10:34:46

She is a knob!

Tell her to take over all what you have been doing and leave her to it! If she's that worried about 'family' she would have been doing it all in the first place and not letting you do it as you are not 'family'.

You sound like a lovely person thanks

StepBackNow Thu 09-Aug-18 10:37:49

She's a cah. Ignore and go NC until she sorts herself out.

Aprilshowersinaugust Thu 09-Aug-18 10:41:51

I would by email hand over all care of your fil and his ailments and needs to her. Suggest you know she will make a fantastic carer.
And bow out.
And mean it.
You will soon have 4 dc.
You really don't need added responsibilities imo.

SimplyPut Thu 09-Aug-18 10:42:41

She sounds unhinged!

BlueSuffragette Thu 09-Aug-18 10:43:03

Leave her to organise it all. She'll soon realise she's been ridiculous and it will serve her right. She sounds obnoxious. Keep as much distance as you can away from her. Pity poor FIL, she obviously has no idea about families and how you help care for each other.

Nicknacky Thu 09-Aug-18 10:45:20

I think her nose has been pushed out of joint and it’s all blown out of proportion. I can see her point though and in her position I would be (rightly or wrongly) annoyed that you were included in my dads medical matters when there are off spring perfectly capable of dealing with it.

Bluelady Thu 09-Aug-18 10:46:16

She's a piece of work. Poor FiL.

PitchBlackNight Thu 09-Aug-18 10:46:19

She is being unreasonable. It’s a shame it all blew up.

Maelstrop Thu 09-Aug-18 10:51:09

You know she’s the unreasonable one, quite clearly. Just hand over all medical responsibilities and anything else to do with fil to her. She’s a silly bitch.

divadee Thu 09-Aug-18 10:52:14

nicknacky well why isn't the SIL currently dealing with them then? Why is it down to OP to deal with all the repeat prescriptions etc.....?

It seems she wants the "glory" of being a wonderful, caring daughter but none of the day to day stuff that goes with it to me. It also sounds very controlling and how she should make decisions on her father's health.

Nicknacky Thu 09-Aug-18 10:54:28

diva I do think there is a difference between running errands, helping out when needed and being privy to medical information when it’s not required.

The op can quite happily stay away now from any errands with no guilt at all!

Advice79 Thu 09-Aug-18 10:59:01

Hi thank you everyone for your words it's greatly appreciated. It's my first post so was very apprehensive about putting this into a very public forum. SIL has never sorted out the repeat prescriptions, (in laws divorced 3 years ago, and FIL lived with us for two years and used to sort them out himself, he moved out as we needed an au pair to live in for childcare reasons as we have no other help and both work full time) Then he started travelling between countries and it became more difficult for him to sort out. Even though he moved out reluctantly I still wanted to make sure he had all right medications etc so took it upon myself to order, pick them up and then get them to him when he was back in the country.

TheProvincialLady Thu 09-Aug-18 10:59:04

Why is a man who is capable of working abroad for six months of the year getting all these women involved in his health care?

None of this is anyone else’s concern except FIL and the people he gives permission to get involved. SIL’s opinion is neither here nor there. If he’s capable of working I should think he’s capable of making that decision for himself.

dinosaurkisses Thu 09-Aug-18 10:59:14

At face value I can see her point, but she obviously hasn’t engaged any critical thinking to work out that it’s nescessary because you pick up on so much of the donkey work with her dad.

I would have blandly replied to her first message to say that you understood and that going forward you will assume that all of your FIL’s life admin will be handled strictly between her and her brother.

Although I am a bit confused about a man who is obviously in decent enough health mentally and physically that he can work out of the country for six months out of twelve, but he needs three other adults to handle the Wife Work for him.

SnuggyBuggy Thu 09-Aug-18 11:00:19

As people have said back of completely and let her get on with it

PatchworkGirl Thu 09-Aug-18 11:01:08

This is ridiculous - surely it's up to FIL. What's the point of the other three of you bickering about this? Can't he just email himself, stating what he would like and asking (nicely) whichever of you he wants to help him? I don't really understand why he is sitting back while the three of you fight over who gets to do everything for him.

deepsea Thu 09-Aug-18 11:01:16

Focus on your pregnancy and children and have nothing more to do with her, if FIL needs something from now on ask him to text his daughter as you are now no longer allowed to be involved. You won't have time for this soon anyway, so she is doing you a huge favour.

I would reply with:

I understand you don't want me to be involved anymore, I completely agree. The baby is due soon and I was worried how it was all going to work. Glad we have it all sorted out x

End of.

Then leave her to your dh. Don't engage with her anymore. If you are not family then she can do it all!

You are now free make the most of it!

ToadsforJustice Thu 09-Aug-18 11:01:41

Does FIL have a lot of money? Is SIL staking her claim on any inheritance?

PrimalLass Thu 09-Aug-18 11:02:45

Why is a man who is capable of working abroad for six months of the year getting all these women involved in his health care?

This

KC225 Thu 09-Aug-18 11:03:58

She is very rude and has handled this badly. If she jealous that FIL goes to you and not her. You say there were texts going back and forth from her, your DH and FIL. Does FIL agree with her then?

I agree with the above posters - stop doing all the arrangements, booking flights and appointments, prescriptions etc. Let her take it over as she is family, concentrate on your family. Good luck OP.

PatchworkGirl Thu 09-Aug-18 11:06:07

"I quickly drafted a letter to GP from him asking permissions for full medical history including bloods/results/appointments could be discussed with Husband, and sister in law"

Genuinely baffled about why you were the one to do this - surely FIL can write a letter? I'm not criticising you at all, just wondering why he is being so passive about his own medical needs. If you hadn't said he works away so muvh I might have assumed he was incapable but it doesn't sound that way.

mumsastudent Thu 09-Aug-18 11:06:22

this kind of thing is so familiar (unintended pun!) & similar story to any situation where the carer (sibling/dc of disabled/sick individual) who lives nearest being told that they should do (a) or (b) because that's what the noncarer not at hand person would do. I think sometimes it is worry rather than lack of power. But I think as long as your dh & fil are happy I would redirect all messages to your dh WITHOUT reading or reacting to them & let dh answer them & deal with her & carry on doing what you WANT to do to help.

rainbowstardrops Thu 09-Aug-18 11:08:08

I don't think that SIL handled the situation well but I can understand why she'd be a bit peeved that decisions were being made behind her back and I can't see why anyone other than FIL, DH and SIL need to be emailed test results etc anyway.
Having said that, she's sat back and let you do all the donkey work so far so I would have politely arsily told her she's welcome to take over.
Bit shit to say you aren't family but at least that gets you off the hook for any boring family get-togethers with her! grin

EdisonLightBulb Thu 09-Aug-18 11:08:41

Why is a man who is capable of working abroad for six months of the year getting all these women involved in his health care?

Yes me too. Why cant he even get himself to the GP if he can fly out of the country to work, why does he need two people, one pregnant and with three dependent children and living 80 miles from the said GP?

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