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Ex doesn't want to pay CMS wants to pay half of everything

(68 Posts)
namechangedfor Wed 11-Jul-18 20:17:49

What are people's views on this.

Ex is self employed. Has freely admitted he pays himself the minimum to avoid tax and so that the maint payments for our child are in the region he wants. Freely admits his accountant does his books this way.

He does not want to pay Cms. He does pay but the minimum based on his 'wage' not on his actual income.

He wants me to declare what I spend on rent, utilities and food so he can decide what Percentage of these to pay. He wants me to disclose and provide evidence of what I spend on our child's clothes, activities, leisure, school trips etc and he will pay half.

I am not willing to do this.

I want a set amount each month so I can budget. I don't really care what that amount is but I want it done through the cms as I don't trust him.

Does anyone think IABU

Yokatsu Wed 11-Jul-18 20:19:25


Is he always a controlling git?

thirstyformore Wed 11-Jul-18 20:20:34

He’s being a controlling twat. Don’t agree to this.

lizkt Wed 11-Jul-18 20:20:41

Just do it through CMS. They'll look at his full income (salary and dividends) and tell him the right amount.

He's an eejit.

namechangedfor Wed 11-Jul-18 20:20:44


I know I'm not.

I just wondered if others saw it the same way.

WhenISnappedAndFarted Wed 11-Jul-18 20:22:43

YANBU however I have read many times that if an ex is self employed that they are very hard to get CMS out of. I'd definitely looking into things first to try and make sure he can't make it as difficult as possible.

FrayedHem Wed 11-Jul-18 20:25:46


He has a responsibility to pay towards his child, he does not have the right to scrutinise every penny of your spending. If he could pay more than the CMS based on his official wage but doesn't, he's not really likely to jump at paying more.

Hidillyho Wed 11-Jul-18 20:25:50

God no! That’s very controlling. Why doesn’t he look at his own bills and pay accordingly to that plus more for clothes etc

mineofuselessinformation Wed 11-Jul-18 20:28:48

Why don't you say that's fine, but you'll need to see his income and his bills also to decide how much he can afford to pay?
I expect you would see a sharp u-turn if you did..... grin
Yes, he's trying to control you.

Lollypop701 Wed 11-Jul-18 20:33:43

And then he will tell you that you have spent too much on X he could get it cheaper... you are out of control expecting him to find your that would be no you controlling idiot

eightfacesofthemoon Wed 11-Jul-18 20:36:26

Hmmm well if he pays himself minimum wage then you’re a bit fucked with cms.
Why don’t you take him up on it. With just a ball park. No giving him Tesco receipts and see how it goes?
I know you’re angry and you don’t want to. But you may get more out of him this way...
I would give it 3 months, then reasses

eightfacesofthemoon Wed 11-Jul-18 20:37:31

Just say rent is X
bills are X
Food is x
And leave it that, you’ll know pdq if he’s just using it against you

jennyFromTheRock Wed 11-Jul-18 20:38:41

How is it controlling to pay half of the cost of his children?

CMS will not work out well for you if he's self employed and making the most of his accountant.

Gruffalina72 Wed 11-Jul-18 20:40:56

That sounds more like he's just trying to find ways to control you, nothing to do with maintenance. I'm sure if you provided the info he wants he would then start criticising how much you're spending on xyz and telling you how you should be spending your money, etc. I wouldn't give him the opportunity.

namechangedfor Wed 11-Jul-18 20:44:39

Because he wants to decide what the figure should be based on my rent, utility bills, etc etc.

Ie deduct all that because I would live here anyway regardless (not true but hey ho).

He doesn't believe I should have anything left from his cms payments to put into savings for our child. (I opened an account when she was born and I've deposited every month from my salary).

I think it's controlling because then if he doesn't agree on the price I've paid for something then he's open to question my choices. Which is nothing to do with him is it? I.e where I shop. What I buy.

Xenia Wed 11-Jul-18 20:48:31

Like the idea above that he must also disclose every bit of spending to you then if he wants this all done!

If there were specific big things - we had full time childcare at £30k a year - 5 children and both worked full time and then school fees. That kind of massive thing it is reasonable to look at separately and plenty of absent parents are happy to pay say part of the university rent direct to the univcersity rather than to the ex or the child because they know exactly where it is going. If it's just the spending no food it's none of his business but if this is the only way to get the cash out of him then it may be better at least for now. At lest he is paying! My court order says the parent they live with pays (me) and whoever they live with I must pay all the school and university fees ( i earn a lot more than my children's father).

EveningHare Wed 11-Jul-18 20:49:13

what an arsehole

Whatiwishfor Wed 11-Jul-18 20:51:19

I have this! except my ex just pays me the minimum which is pittance for 2 children. The cms are looking into fraud but it all takes time. CMS can look into dividends but there is still loads of ways he can hide money.
Atm he is paying nothing!
I wouldnt want my ex knowing what im paying for things as hes very controlling and may try and find a way to use it again me at a later date. Maybe you could ask for a lump sum eg an extra £150. But be aware that he can stop it at any time.

eightfacesofthemoon Wed 11-Jul-18 20:52:46

Yes he is an areshole. But quite frankly you need to manipulate the situation to your advantage. Or just suck up what you get from CMS from someone who is on minimum wage.

Only you can know what the right thing is for you to do.

If freedom is worth more than the cash. Then take that and run
If you need the extra, try his idea out for size.
You can ALWAYS change your mind. You are in control

heymammy Wed 11-Jul-18 20:54:05

Don't provide receipts, he has no right to question your spending. give him a figure which you think is roughly half the monthly cost of raising your dc and say he can pay that reliably, every month, or you will use cms.

Whatiwishfor Wed 11-Jul-18 20:58:21

How have you found cm? i find them beyond rubbish!! they dont understand the whole self employed thing and certainly dont understand dividends. I really wouldn't use them if i didn't have to but i have no choice! The whole process makes me angry.

UpstartCrow Wed 11-Jul-18 20:58:54

Has he put any of his admissions into writing? Can you get him to?

LizB62A Wed 11-Jul-18 21:00:15

Just a word of warning - my ex managed to convince the CMS that he wasn't paying himself dividends so got out of paying Child Support.....

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning Wed 11-Jul-18 21:00:54

Hmm I do wonder if he just wants to know the exact amount you spend on everything. hmm

namechangedfor Wed 11-Jul-18 21:04:22


Believe It or not I do have all this in writing

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