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AIBU?

39 year old friend has 18 year old girlfriend

338 replies

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:24

Our good friend is coming to a bbq with us tomorrow and bringing his gf who he's been dating since January

We've not yet met her but he's 39 and she is 18.....!! She is closer in age to my children than me

My DH and I are horrified that he's going out with someone so young. DH has expressed this to him plenty of times and how it's so wrong but it doesn't register. To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

He's actually a really nice guy (he's our sons godfather) but I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

OP posts:

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Rachie1973 · 22/06/2018 20:26

He's actually a really nice guy (he's our sons godfather) but I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

Normally. You don't know the dynamics of their relationship. She's an adult, and it's not your place to interfere. Regardless of how you feel about it.

Branleuse · 22/06/2018 20:27

ew I'd be really concerned about her

TantricTwist · 22/06/2018 20:27

If he was her teacher she's young enough for him to be arrested and put on the register.

Neolara · 22/06/2018 20:27

Eww. Yes, I know its legal blah, blah, blah. But it's pretty unsavoury especially given the gfs history.

Cheby · 22/06/2018 20:28

Ummm that would be a massive nope from me. I’m not sure I could be supportive of a friend who thought dating a vulnerable woman who has only just turned 18, when he is 21 years her senior, is the right thing to do.

TantricTwist · 22/06/2018 20:28

Just to put it into context

NewYearNewMe18 · 22/06/2018 20:28

DH has expressed this to him plenty of times and how it's so wrong but it doesn't register.

Could you elaborate on how two adults in a consenting relationship is 'wrong' ?

I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

I would suggest you treat you guests with respect, presumably like you would any other guests. Don't offer to cut her food up or anything.

To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

Completely irrelevant.

Bluntness100 · 22/06/2018 20:29

She is an adult. You need to treat her as such and as his partner.

I also don't like it, and I wouldn't like it if the genders were reversed either, but you need to accept their decision and be nice to her.

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:29

I wasn't sure if I was BU as I know she's a converting adult but I just feel it's very bad

OP posts:

Branleuse · 22/06/2018 20:29

it's not irrelevant. She is vulnerable to predatory men.

Trinity66 · 22/06/2018 20:31

Gross, I have an 18 year old daughter and I'm 39, id be horrified if she started seeing someone my age, technically she's an adult but she's still a kid in so many ways

Biologifemini · 22/06/2018 20:32

She’s vulnerable
And he does want the aggro of an adult female questioning him
He sounds awful
Yes it is legal but it doesn’t make it pleasant
You will just have to watch and cringe and let them be though

sue51 · 22/06/2018 20:34

I would be really uncomfortable around him. 18 might be legally adult but it does not sound like a healthy relationship when you take her past into account. I would be judgey about it.

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:35

I will be pleasant but I'm not sure I'll engage with them as feel fake

Her previous experience is very relevant I feel as she would likely not go for someone his age otherwise

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 22/06/2018 20:35

Run this buy me again - so this bloke is really nice, nice enough to be trusted to be godfather to the OPs children and be guardian of the childs moral and spiritual guidance (that's a god parents role) … yet now hes a predator, preying on vulnerables? This is based solely on age.

Fantastic piece of MN prejudice at play.

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:35

He is after all, old enough to be her father

OP posts:

WindsweptNotInteresting · 22/06/2018 20:36

My parents were 22 and 41 when they met, so not too far off what you're describing. They are still together over 40 years later. It certainly wasn't 'icky' in their case.

I guess one difference was that they had both been married before (and had children - even my mum who married her first husband at 19 and had my sibling at 20), but even so, I think you would be unkind to mention anything.

The thing is you have no idea what the dynamic is, whether her history has any bearing, or whether he is behaving inappropriately. In which case I would go into it with an open mind (they are both adults after all) and not assume anything, as all you are likely to do is push them away.

NewYearNewMe18 · 22/06/2018 20:38

OP - indulge me please on this -

To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

Her previous experience is very relevant I feel as she would likely not go for someone his age otherwise

Are you this adults ex teacher/keyworker/health professional - or some how connected to her in a professional capacity so you know the inner most working s of her mind?

RachelfromFriends · 22/06/2018 20:38

When I was 16 through to turning 17 I dated a guy in his late thirties and now I think WTF?!?

He was a nice guy but he can't have been cos because it's creepy!

domesticslattern · 22/06/2018 20:39

I had a 39 year old boyfriend when I was 19 or so. It was quite nice actually. He was very grown up and respectful, treated me well. Everything was fully consensual and he was a kind soul (and quite immature in many ways!)
It was a good relationship. Set me up well for the future.
I was pretty pissed off when his friends called him a "dirty dawg" behind my back. I was old enough to recognise a good relationship when I saw it.
I can see you might be worried if you thought she was vulnerable to being treated badly. But if he is a nice guy, what's the problem? She is an adult after all.

Sirzy · 22/06/2018 20:40

I would see what the dynamic is like tomorrow before passing any judgement.

There is 15 years between me and my partner BUT we were friends for over 10 years before getting together and part of they was because when we were younger (I was 22 when we met) the age gap felt more significant. So whereas I feel hypocritical judging I do think that when she is so young it sounds slightly worrying.

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:41

I've got no problem with a big age gap, just when they are so young and fresh out of school!

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ScipioAfricanus · 22/06/2018 20:42

I’m sure there are some exceptions like PP’s parents. But most men dating someone this young at the very least are seeking to avoid someone who challenges them. It’s not a good power dynamic in general. I went out with someone 12 years older when I was in v early twenties. I remember a few of his friends raising eyebrows. It wasn’t great in general though he was a nice guy.

What’s his previous relationship form OP?

rosesandflowers1 · 22/06/2018 20:43

She's a consenting adult. Not your place to interfere unless you see something actually troubling, IMO.

18 is a funny age. Maybe she'll be very mature.

Unless their dynamic is very odd and weird I'd not say anything at all. I think it's rude of your DH to "express" his feelings on this without even meeting her - several times!

Even if they are very weird tomorrow, approach it from that angle, not from the age.

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:44

He's a divorcee and since he's been single he's got massively into BDSM and gone our with younger and younger women / girls...

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